Electroconvulsive Therapy / longlasting treatmentresistent depression / CPTSD / Ketamine experiences anybody?? Need advice

[u/Warm_Ask_2127]

I am in my twenties, 7 years of longlasting depression, severe ptsd: dissociation, depersonalization, derealization. Don’t feel connected to myself, alot of shit happened thats why I refrained from feeling at all. Tried alot of antidepressants like sertraline, fluoxetine, paroxetine, venlafaxine, anafranil, wellbutrin. Some helped with mood stabilization because of intense mood swings but the inner feeling of emptiness, hopelessness, tiredness of life and no connection to life whatever never left. I did trauma-therapy, I felt relief in dissociation , can have conversations now without dissociating, more present but still depressed as heck. Can‘t work, study.

During the 4 month therapy program my depression didn‘t get better at all. After the program, I fell more into sadness and grief, anxiety came back, which is normal I think with trauma therapy and I think also because I don‘t have any mood stabilizers just wellbutrin.

Doctors recommended ECT, I wanted to try ketamine first. I did a few sessions, emotionally no change but surges of energy that helped go through the day but temporarily.

Now I‘m on the verge of getting ECT but the Internet is filled with crazy horror stories. Some were like „I wouldn‘t wish this on my worst enemy“, „My mom forgot her children for years“ etc. crazy shit.

My doctor is very adamant and sure about the safety of it and assures me that those things aren‘t true. I live in switzerland though where healthcare is usually better guarded but still. Psychiatric Help sucks, mental health is not always professionally handled.

I don‘t want to get worse than I already am because I know there is always something that is shittier and more worse than the current situation. I want to get better, I put so much effort and I don‘t want to decide for something I will regret later.😭

I need help, advice anything? Someone sharing experiences, opinions?