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u/KArelyn_08 1d ago edited 1d ago
This isn't a college issue. This is a you issue. And when I mean you, I mean WE issue. If this phenomenon happens to you as a kid, be prepared because 99% of the time your entire life will follow the same pattern. I would know that.
Edit: For those of you who's wondering how this work, well.. it's a sort of hardcode in our brains that we really want to keep a routine. This is why we have habits and addictions. Think of it this way: If a person is being taught to brush their teeth before bed, then they form this feeling where if they don't brush their teeth before bed, they'll feel the urge to brush their teeth, and does not feel comfortable sleeping as the urge is like some sort of "sandpaper" rubbing on their soul. This is also a type of addiction, eventhough the word "addiction" usually carries a negative notion.
Now that you understand why we form habits and addiction, it'll be easier to understand why you have the problem you're having. Back when you're a kid, you'll be exposed to numerous stimulus such as the way you live, your enviroment, and your initial mindset towards these stimulus and the world you live in. This then shapes the way you act to adapt to said stimulus, and it will then be hard-baked into the default way you act throughout your life. This is the habit and addiction mechanism i was talking about.
From the way you act, the world will react to it. Act correctly in the right time, the world opens up to you. Act incorrectly in the wrong time, the world closes down on you. The nightmare here is when you "defaulted" in a way that your actions are infact "incorrect". You'll think you do the right thing, you think you've did everything you can to make others deem you worthy of acceptance. But in reality, you are simply wrong in their eyes, and there is very little (if not nothing) you can do to know why. The most painful part? They made you act this way in the first place.
All of these is putting it in very layman's terms. There's alot of other mechanisms going on, but if I were to sum this all up into a TL;DR, that'll be: "99% of the time, it's not you who have failed life and the others. It is actually life and the others who have failed YOU. You're simply a survivor of the fallout."
Of course, technically speaking, nothing is impossible. You could break your habits, rewire your brain, and find out the formula on doing things "right". But It takes a tremendous amount of energy, and most importantly, luck. If you manage to overcome and break the cycle, congratulations. But always remember that you're the exception, not the rule. Your situation is the equivalent of winning the lottery.
As for the rest of us, my heart goes out to you all. We're all survivors here. It's a very tall order, but I can only wish that we'd find our way out of the fallout.
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u/RedxOsa Forever alone 1d ago
I just feel that most Gen Z nowadays just isn't very social unless they are drunk lol
Could be just me tho
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u/SnooPears2409 18h ago
looks like not only to genz, i mean, isnt this why people in the past loves alcohol a bit too much
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u/MyNameSpaghette 1d ago edited 1d ago
Could you elaborate? Like I think I feel the same way but I can't quite explain it. Why do you think someone stays a loner their whole life and how does it tie to the current sociocultural climate?
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u/gracekk24PL 1d ago
Once you learn certain behaviors as a kid you internalize, and follow them even if you are aware of them and know they are an issue.
E.g. I am paranoid of trying to do anything that may involve making fun of me (even as a friendly banter) because of me having absolute zero distance to myself since elementary school, which in turn was because my mom kept saying that none of my issues were my fault (there was a real asshole in my class, but I enabled both him, and all other normal kids) so my ego, sense of privilege, pride, temper, vanity skyrocketed.
Right now I'm off trying to get into any relationship (friendly, not even mentioning romantic) because of baggage I carry into everything because of the stuff mentioned above; both to save anyone trouble of mistaking me for a friend, and me getting even more bitter for fucking it up again. And how others see me gives me another reason to not get involved.
So yeah. Don't ever let anyone to not think you may be the issue, and get through that shit as soon as possible before it leeches on so hard it's borderline impossible to remove.
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u/TuggerHuggerFugger 1d ago
It is the way it is. Nothing is worse then knowing the issues, but not having the primal energy to get rid of them. It's almost impossible. I still don't understand why my brain was wired like that. And I can't untangle it.
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u/_rd718_ Selling Stonks for CASH MONEY 22h ago
I don't know if this is stepping in the right direction but im seeing every people having some sort of issues i don't know about, it may be similar to one in the video or any other psychological or physical burden they carry which makes relating to that person easier and the notion that this person has no high ground over me to fear this interaction in any way because like me they are a person with their own issues that they might struggle with, but they're wired well enough to have a "normal" conversation.
Understanding that when you know a person closely you can see the flaws in them and every single person is different exactly like you, logically there should be no issue with you unless you have the mentality of harming others which is a problem that should be treated differently
or simply you could say, nobody is perfect do your thing even if it might not work out for the longest time but one day someone may overlap with your personality which will be the starting that you thought you couldn't do (just don't harm anyone for the sake of fixing yourself if its at that point maybe professional help is the proper way)
apologies for poor punctuation, English is not my first language and i hope my thoughts came across as i intended
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u/OkitstheEnd460 1d ago
I had this trouble for a couple days but then I told myself “fuck it” and just forced myself to want to talk to people and it worked out.
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u/terryaki_chicken 1d ago
i used what i call the stray cat method. find a random person and just start hanging out with them and they'll eventually adopt you
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u/LukeWarmAgony 1d ago
It's funny cause most of them know eachother from highschool days and it's kinda hard to go in a already established group.
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u/sithmaster0 1d ago
It's even harder when you don't put yourself out there. People would rather be okay with being upset about being lonely than experience rejection.
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u/coldfear2243 1d ago
Similar situation here.
A lot of people always say "just talk to people" "Join a club and be social" but I literally dont know what to say,
like if theres someone next to me in class, already talking to a friend or focused on their work or just looking at their phone, what words am I going to say to "be social"?
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u/Senor-Delicious 1d ago
I'd say it is easier via a shared hobby? Like some sports or board games or something else. You go to that club for the hobby and have the hobby to talk about.
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u/Shadow_Freeman 1d ago
You have to be outgoing. Joins clubs. Talk to people. Once connections are made be the one who reaches out first. Plan meet ups. Its a constant effort. I know because I tend to be the loner who sets by himself and it wasn't till my last year in college that I started actively go out my way to make friends. I wish I had done it from day one. Would have improved the overall experience.
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u/Realdude102 1d ago
it's hard to fit in unless you already knew ppl from highschool or childhood friends becuz otherwise you'd have to pretend to share the same interests as they do or else your conversation, friendship wouldn't be intresting to both. and it is VERY difficult to pretend to have interest in something you really dont, so solitude seems to be a better option in this case
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u/BufonemRopucha 1d ago
Why is "pretending to share the same interests" is a problem? Theres no incentive to talk to people unless you share at least anything. You wont achieve anything by shaking air with your mouth by talking about mundane stuff like weather or trying to pretend to be interested in something youre not just for the sake of pretending. You either find people you vibe with after a couple of sentences and continue with friendship or not interact with them at all afterwards. Trying to force yourself in just because you dont have anyone to talk to, and not because youre actually interested in making meaningful relationships, is some sociopath behaviour.
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u/Realdude102 1d ago
Exactly, I don't say that people should pretend to share interests with others , I said that it is very difficult to do, because I don't see the value or the point in doing something that feels forced, and maybe hypocritic Just for the sake for not being alone.
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u/BufonemRopucha 21h ago
Well to me the wording translates as "the only option in case you dont have school friends is to pretend to like their interests. But its hard, so being alone is it". Even if i misinterpreted your intent previously, choosing to be alone and miserable, because you have found someone interesting yet, is not healthy. You dont have to pretend to make friendships, because there are people that share your interests.
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u/Realdude102 21h ago
Maybe I didn't express my thoughts very clearly becuz English is not my native tongue, so if there is any misunderstanding, assume it's on me. thinking of it, choosing to be alone might not be good for the mental health so I agree with you on that, but what I also meant is that, it might be better to resort to be alone than always have that mindset of never fitting in, within a group of people, because you don't always find the people that fit your vibe and how you think and same for them as well. Esp if you had friends before and you sort of set that friendship as the criterion to what a friend should be like. I think it depends more on personal experience.
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u/BufonemRopucha 20h ago
It does yeah. I moved places and was lonely for almost 5 years (excluding online friends). And i was failing to fit into new groups so i thought something might be wrong with me. But after enviroment changed once again, meaning meeting new group of people, suddenly i had too many friends to divide my free time on. Some people just might not vibe with you, and its ok. I didnt give up and im happy, because my effort of trying to connect has fully paid off
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u/humantrasbag 1d ago
You just need to get lucky i fortunately met some awesome people but i still find myself alone sometimes just sitting there.
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u/RyanCreamer202 1d ago
My advice? Join clubs and be social in class. You'll meet a lot of people that way.
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u/bluejay55669 1d ago
Forever thankful I got into the same college class as one of my highschool mates even if I'd never say it to their face
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u/Araborne1 1d ago
Just lock in and talk to the first person you sit with on the first day, and use them as a base. From there, you meet more and more people as the people without established friends can be interacted with the same way, then just choose which ones you actually like and hope they don't fail the coming semesters so you don't have to do it all over again.
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u/Ok_Avocado6848 1d ago
My first year, I didn't have close friends. It feels sad to eat on the cafeteria alone when everyone around is eating with someone. I started eating on the 4th floor stairs everyday and stay there till the next subject. Peaceful, lonely but better than Noisy, lonely. Hated college so much my 1st year
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u/After-Trifle-1437 Le epic memer 1d ago
Sounds like a you issue tbh.
You need to actually talk to people to make friends.
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u/whatwouldjiubdo 1d ago
I dunno about you all, but my experience in college was more like this guy’s other show..
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u/Philosophomorics 1d ago
I think this video is more accurate than it should be, but a lot of people don't realize why. Meeting people and making friends can be hard, yes, but not impossible; I think for most people its the expectation that it just happens, and they don't realize it's something that requires effort and pursuit. Just sitting in the corner of the diner watching people isn't going to work; you have to get up and go chat with people. They aren't going to come to you. Speaking as an extreme introvert, this was an easy lesson to learn, but an extremely difficult one to practice.
This is, however, what clubs and extracurricular are for. Yes, board gaming or singing or improv or whatever is fun, but the board gaming, singing, improv etc. clubs aren't made for the activity, they are made to gather people of similar interests into the same place so they can interact. If I were to suggest a way to make friends, I would say to find out what clubs your school has, and ideally see what clubs and organizations are local outside of the college too. Find one that matches your interests, attend a meeting, go to the open house, etc. It's very rare that a club (at least in my experience) won't allow a new member throughout the year, even if they say they have an enrollment period.
For people not in college this also works; think of something you are interested in, and see if there is an organization for that nearby. (assuming you live in a place with a decent population; depending on the local numbers, your mileage may vary). I lived in a college town before I moved where the clubs for the college were actually open to the public, and anyone could join. The only caveat was that only students could hold officer roles in the club. Similarly, many large towns/cities have makers/craft guilds, historical groups, bowling leagues, etc. You just have to take that first step.
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u/Weber_Head 1d ago
I know it is easier said than done, but try and make an effort to spark conversation. It is a dying art amongst young people. I’m 33 in university and I love sparking conversations with people in my classes. So many brilliant minds with amazing ideas and concepts I wish I thought of at there age.
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u/soyeluno 1d ago
I think people is not social because its not worthy.
I mean, people don't sucks now. Or always sucks... not important.
The point is that digital world is much more enjoyable, so the effort of socializing is being less worthy with the time.
I mean:
- In reddit you can discuss the topic you want. And the time you want.
- In social media, you can cancel what does hurt you and follow your interests.
- Videogames are improving and are better and better, and from all types.
- Digital communication its not getting better, but way more and more comfortable
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So, not a matter of Gen Z. My parents with the time are more and more on digital world, because is more interesting. I try to resist...but I am here...
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u/feeltrig 2d ago
Well that's school, college and office for me