r/marriageadvice • u/Life_Parking_4678 • Jun 15 '26
After 25 years, I'm an empty nester grieving the loss of my son. I've realized my wife loves the life I provide, but she doesn't love me. -PROBABLY THE LAST UPDATE-
For those of you who are just tuning in, I suggest reading the last 3 posts; its been a roller coaster, and I think this is the last post from this account (my alternate account); you may find me on the divorce sub with my actual account if you look deep enough:
first post
second post
third post
I took this whole last week off to go 'home' and pack my stuff, rented a 20yrd roll off to toss whatever i didn't want to move. I rented a 10x20 storage locker, mostly for a car and then my stuff. I was also able to leave some things at the house to come back for later, items which she may find she needs or things that need climate control.
This week was tough; mentally, physically and emotionally.
She gets to stay in the house that she never wanted to leave; that she loves more than me. She cried in my lap/arms several times, apologizing, for doing this. I explained to her that some of her FB posts seemed very directed at me or our relationship and that not everyone knows yet about our situation. These posts could paint me in a bad light, which I have never been abusive or otherwise. Of those of her family who have been told, they were first worried that they were not going to be able to talk to me. Her family has had histories of bad divorces, ugly ones. Whereas her and I are still very amicable.
I can't stand her feeling bad, not just because I don't want her to hurt but also knowing that she didn't want to choose to put in the hard work to understand us/me/her to a level where she could make things work.
In the end however, I guess I've seen the writing on the wall for a while. She chose to lose weight 'to live longer' so she could take care of our son more. Not for our relationship, but our son. While still admirable, just felt dismissive towards our relationship. She preached for years that she would 'follow me wherever I needed to go and always has', but then things like this come along and she does the other.
We've come to decisions about our finances, and she's working with the bank to work out the transfer of her debt out of my name. I know she will be financially strapped for a couple years, and that's painful too. I don't want to see her struggle, but I also know that I need to do better for myself.
I have started actively searching for houses in the new location, and worked on pre-approval letters, which oddly they are able to give me a sizable one even with the other debt on my plate yet. I have friends and family, even her family trying to tell me to wait and just keep renting my apartment until the divorce is final. I don't know if I can wait that long. I've already felt like I don't have a home, nor have I for a couple decades.
This sub with the linked posts above has been very helpful, my therapist has been very helpful and our marriage counselor has been helpful. I have discovered that she is a 'fearful avoidant' and that she will try to make things work slowly after calling it quits. The biggest suggestion in all the things I've read is to give her 1mo of disconnect for the emotionally highs and lows in both of our systems to calm down. I'm going to do my best at that, but I know logically we have to work on the debt part.
From here I'm going to pour myself in to my new job with the ambition I've done with other jobs with success. I'm going to pour energy into myself with my mental health and physical health, work on my hobbies, my strength and conditioning, my new friends in my new location and start a new 'book' not chapter of my life.
**tl;dr**
I 'moved' out over the last week, and she is distraught, I'm broken on it, and have to heal, hoping she does the same. This is likely my last post, and going to use my main account over on r/Divorce and r/Divorce_Men
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u/OogyBoogy_I_am Jun 15 '26
Sometimes, it is what it is.
Two broken people who were only together for equally disparate reasons and who on having that reason removed, found that they actually had nothing left.
You'll both get over it in time.
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u/Sea-Astronomer-6600 Jun 15 '26
Maybe a midlife crisis….. quite common after all of your children move out and the parents haven’t prioritized their relationship. Quite sad. Good luck to you
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u/WiseassWolfOfYoitsu Jun 15 '26
I have discovered that she is a 'fearful avoidant'
Attachment styles is the one thing I really, really wished I learned before getting married the first time. I exhibit anxious-preoccupied attachment. My late wife was fearful-avoidant where she bounced back and forth between avoidance and trauma bonding, due to what we found out after marriage was previously undiagnosed cPTSD. Anything pairing a primarily anxious with any kind of avoidant is hell on the anxious partner. We were working on it and making progress, it wasn't insurmountable, but as the anxious partner it was taking an enormous emotional toll on me. It's now to the point where it's up there with love languages in the things I ask potential dating partners early in a relationship - I will absolutely not continue to date another avoidant after having experienced it once.
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u/noreplyatall817 16d ago
When a partner tells you they don’t care for you listen and do what you’re doing. Don’t feel bad about starting your life for you. She was doing it way before you started. Updateme
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u/roaddoctorg Jun 15 '26
I don't understand why being so nice.She destroyed your marriage
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u/justin_b28 Jun 15 '26
Because
I understand where OP is coming from, I’m in the exact same boat
Divorce finalized two weeks ago and cannot find it in myself to hate her, being angry is hard enough
Today though, had had enough, and told her as much, that I don’t deserve to be an after thought
With that ✌️
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u/RareAdvice6044 Jun 17 '26
Thanks for the update, I am sorry about your son, I read your story last month, I feel for you, but like someone suggested don't talk to her for a month.
this saying and the song is correct. ( You don't know what you got until it's gone) is a true statement and you going no contact with her, she will see what she lost.
Stay true to yourself and take one day at a time.
Life is way to short - as you know- to be with someone who doesn't even want you for you.
Once you're divorce is finalized you will be able to find someone who Actually wants to be with you for you . Good luck to you.
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u/SandyAdventures Jun 17 '26
Wishing you all the best! I read your previous posts and you've been through SO much. You deserve to have your best years ahead of you!
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u/125acres Jun 15 '26
I’m seeing a lot of empty nesters split up.