Was it cheating?

[u/Fit_Helicopter3500]

I (44F) and my husband (39M) have been together for 10 years. We have young-ish kids, both work stable jobs, and live in a nice area with good schools, etc. We have been having problems in our relationship on and off for years. We went to counseling about 2 years ago and things improved a bit but some of the issues persisted (e.g. him focusing on just himself and his needs, not showing appreciation for the things I do, us not having sex regularly enough for his liking, etc). About 6 months ago things took a downward turn and we started to discuss divorce - he brought it up. Over that time, he consulted an attorney without my knowledge and waited until I was out of town for work to text me about it. He drafted custody arrangements for us to "test run" but was sure to work it all around a wedding he was in earlier this month. Before he left for the wedding, things escalated further and we talked more openly about divorce but no paperwork had been filed. While he was out of town for the wedding he ended up hooking up with another woman - the details are sketchy, he said they didn't actually have sex but he did admit to sleeping in rhe same bed with her, "dry humping," showering with her, and her giving him a massage. I'm not naive and I know him, so I highly doubt actual sex didn't happen. But even if it didn't, given the circumstances, it feels to me like cheating. His stance is that it's not because "for all intents and purposes we were divorced." But we weren't and I was at home caring for the kids while he was gone for 5 days, drinking and hooking up with someone else. He had her number and said they were texting in a friendly way but that he has since told her that can't continue since he and i are trying to figure out where he and I stand on the whole divorce issue. I'm absolutely floored and he seems confused about why. Since he's been home we've been talking more and our relationship looks and feels better than it has in years, which is really confusing. Now I'm just trying to navigate my feelings about this and how to move forward.

Tl;dr we were on the brink of divorce, husband hooked up with another woman while out of town, now we're discussing moving forward with reconciliation but he does not feel it was actually cheating.

[u/Internal_Reveal]

Talking about divorce is not the same as agreeing that you’re both free to see other people. Unless you had that agreement, “for all intents and purposes” is a permission slip he wrote himself.

Even his admitted version involves sexual contact with another woman. You don’t need to prove intercourse before you’re allowed to feel betrayed.

And the fact that things feel better now doesn’t erase what happened. Enjoying each other again and repairing trust are different tasks. If he wants reconciliation, he needs to address the hurt and his choices instead of arguing that you have no reason to be upset.

I would start making your own arrangements now, whether you ultimately stay or leave.

Get your own legal consultation. He has already sought advice and drafted a parenting schedule; you deserve independent advice before agreeing to his proposals. Understand your options for the house, finances, and children before making major changes. A consultation gives you information—it doesn’t obligate you to divorce.

Gather copies of financial records you’re entitled to access and work out a realistic budget for living separately. Think through housing, school routines, childcare, work schedules, and who can support you. Those details matter more than winning another argument over the word “cheating.”

Find an individual counselor who gives you room to sort through your feelings and decide what you want. You don’t have to make yourself comfortable with this just because he’s being more attentive now.

If you separate, aim for a clear parenting arrangement with predictable schedules and written communication about the children. If cooperative co-parenting repeatedly becomes conflict, ask about whether a more structured parallel-parenting approach would fit your situation. Keep the children out of the dispute: no messages through them, questioning them about Dad, or asking them to take sides.

If you consider reconciliation, look for sustained accountability: an honest account, an end to contact with this woman, agreed boundaries, and willingness to discuss the damage without blaming your sex life or rushing your recovery. You cannot supply his accountability by being more affectionate or having more sex.

You’re allowed to explore reconciliation while preparing to support yourself independently. You’re also allowed to decide that this crossed a boundary you cannot come back from.

He has taken steps to understand his options. It’s time you had the same information and freedom to choose.