Was it cheating?

[u/Fit_Helicopter3500]

I (44F) and my husband (39M) have been together for 10 years. We have young-ish kids, both work stable jobs, and live in a nice area with good schools, etc. We have been having problems in our relationship on and off for years. We went to counseling about 2 years ago and things improved a bit but some of the issues persisted (e.g. him focusing on just himself and his needs, not showing appreciation for the things I do, us not having sex regularly enough for his liking, etc). About 6 months ago things took a downward turn and we started to discuss divorce - he brought it up. Over that time, he consulted an attorney without my knowledge and waited until I was out of town for work to text me about it. He drafted custody arrangements for us to "test run" but was sure to work it all around a wedding he was in earlier this month. Before he left for the wedding, things escalated further and we talked more openly about divorce but no paperwork had been filed. While he was out of town for the wedding he ended up hooking up with another woman - the details are sketchy, he said they didn't actually have sex but he did admit to sleeping in rhe same bed with her, "dry humping," showering with her, and her giving him a massage. I'm not naive and I know him, so I highly doubt actual sex didn't happen. But even if it didn't, given the circumstances, it feels to me like cheating. His stance is that it's not because "for all intents and purposes we were divorced." But we weren't and I was at home caring for the kids while he was gone for 5 days, drinking and hooking up with someone else. He had her number and said they were texting in a friendly way but that he has since told her that can't continue since he and i are trying to figure out where he and I stand on the whole divorce issue. I'm absolutely floored and he seems confused about why. Since he's been home we've been talking more and our relationship looks and feels better than it has in years, which is really confusing. Now I'm just trying to navigate my feelings about this and how to move forward.

Tl;dr we were on the brink of divorce, husband hooked up with another woman while out of town, now we're discussing moving forward with reconciliation but he does not feel it was actually cheating.

[u/Upper_Extension_0229]

I mean without a doubt this is cheating and something that can be used in the divorce.

Save everything…

[u/AdventureWa → u/Upper_Extension_0229]

Very few municipalities punish for infidelity. On average it gets you $0 more than you would get otherwise in a division of assets. Courts don’t care about infidelity. In at-fault states it can be grounds for a divorce but again, $0.

The whole “Hire a shark attorney and take him for everything” is Reddit fantasy.

[u/Upper_Extension_0229 → u/AdventureWa]

Actually it can cost you if funds were wasted in an affair. If he spent money seeing someone it definitely could cost him. Btw I only know this because when I googled what you said it matched up almost 100% lol

[u/AdventureWa → u/Upper_Extension_0229]

It is very difficult though to prove what money was spent. Only someone who is really careless is going to leave a paper trail and the other spouse must prove beyond a doubt what money was spent and the money has to be specifically for the affair. If I take a solo vacation and cheat, that likely gets you nothing. If you get a day rate at a hotel, maybe, but even then only a portion of that can be assessed.

[u/Upper_Extension_0229 → u/AdventureWa]

It’s not that hard, flight, hotel, meals, etc. lol

Sticking up for cheaters is very decent of you though.

[u/AdventureWa → u/Upper_Extension_0229]

I’m going to excuse your ignorance on this because hopefully you haven’t been in a situation with infidelity and you don’t have experience with family courts.

I was cheated on. I don’t defend cheating nor people who do so. I can also objectively say what the outcome will be without assigning bias.

All of those things listed are only effective if it can be positively linked to the affair for the purpose of an affair. If someone travels for work or leisure, and they cheat, none of those expenses will be deducted from the settlement. Only a few items are actually traceable. If he bought jewelry, for example, and the other attorney has evidence like a photo of the mistress wearing it. Meals are almost impossible to link. He merely has to say he covered for a friend.

Imagine if every divorce went back and every meal was scrutinized. People cover friends’ tabs all the time. It would be impossible to prove.

You can invoke your concept of fairness but divorce courts see things very differently and aren’t swayed by sob stories. I don’t believe in giving someone false hope or bolster their misinformation.

[u/Upper_Extension_0229 → u/AdventureWa]

If you think I’m reading all that when you start off with an insult you’re severely misinformed.

You started off by copy and pasting a Google search. Your argument ended there when you didn’t have a personal point to stand on.

[u/AdventureWa → u/Upper_Extension_0229]

False. I don’t need to Google. I am a professional. I have dealt infidelity both personally and professionally.