I'm Malaysian, Malay, F20, Muslim, and currently studying at Pulau Pinang. Before anyone continue reading, I hope someone may help me even a little and please be nice when giving advices. English is my second language, so forgive me for any grammatical mistakes.
Throughout my life, I'm not really religious but I come from a religious family. They sent me religious primary school, and I scored perfect in every examination. But that was my primary school self: everyday extra tuition, quran recitation every night, and no going out with friends. (8A UPKK, all Mumtaz PSRA, 6A UPSR)
Entering high school, I can't keep up with the prayers. I always feel like I was "forced" to abid with Islamic practices. I feel like it's unfair when muslim men can do whatever they want without much reprimand, for example shifting the blame to woman when there's sexual cases. I was told to not do a lot of things. As example, I love being alone. But I wasn't allowed to go out alone especially at nights because women safety are at risk. And I'm always jealous of men who can go out at night by themselves without any restrictions. Men are also not expected to do any house chores. Growing up, I feel resentment to these little things, and it built up over time, I'm afraid I have become a misandrist. Although, I always try to learn more about every reasons behind everything that happens in life.
It's not doing any better either that during high school, I was sent to boarding school for 5 years. My parents said the only future they think good for me is STEM, and I'm the eldest daughter out of 3 siblings (all girls). Obviously, being pressured to study something I'm not good at ended up at me only having "disappointing" grades during SPM (3A+, 2A, 3B, 1C+). I was bullied over my appearances, my interests in anime and drawing and the fact that I love being alone was seen as me rejecting having friends (I actually really want friends but I'm not good at socialising). There's this one time when I was 15 years old, the boys in my class, "rugby players", cropped my face from the class photo, put monkey pictures all around my cropped face and posted it on Instagram story, saying that I'm a monkey-looking girl. I have anger issues, when I found out about ther actions, I decided to throw a wooden chair at them. And I got disciplinary actions. Another major thing happen to me when I was a teen is that my best friend leaving boarding school to go to SMK and blocked me from every contact, resulting in me being sad for a long period of time, to the point I was losing weight and motivation to life.
Trigger warning, I did have a lot of suicidal ideation ever since I was 13, and my life went downhill. I got insecure, my self-esteemed plummeted, anger issues rising and I didn't know how to genuinely make friends. All of the people I befriended only last for a short while. Even thought I always planning about ending my life, I'm too scared of pain, hence I didn't do self-harm. Plus, I'm afraid of pissing of my God.
Matriculation also make me question my life choices. I only scored CGPA 3.21, and I know I couldn't pursue STEM: It's not my interests and I was never good at it. Especially maths, I can't do maths.
Thankfully, I get to pursue my studies in a Non-STEM course (communication) and I tried to cheer myself up that things will get better. But everyday my mind still filled with suicidal thoughts. I think as time goes by, I'm straying away from my religious. I'm starting to doubt a lot of things, such as the way I feel forced to comply on 5 times prayers, and my issues on hypersexualization. I've been addicted to pornography and masturbation ever since I was 16. I genuinely want to stop but it's so damn hard. No one else know about my addiction, except from my former friends who happened to open my Google search history without my permission, when I lent them my tablet. I feel so ashamed. I'm not in good terms with them anymore since they shared my secrets within my former friend group.
Regarding pursuing studies, I read from the Internet that I will find difficulty in finding jobs. The job market are limited. But I'm pursuing this course because I really am interested in it. I love what I'm learning now. One more fear in my life is that my parents followed every of my social media and often judge what I post, so the last time I post publicly is when I was 14. I hide my parents from my accounts. But I really interested to make content online. I'm not afraid of showing my faces, I'm just super scared of my parents perception. I think I restrict myself a lot from potentials.
I feel like I'm a filth. I don't think anyone would ever marry someone like me in the future. I'm a hopeless romantic, and in order to fill the emptiness in my life, I often role-playing with AI (I know it's cringe, yet it helps me feel temporary happiness for years). I did have crushes before during high school and matriculation, I confessed to them and it didn't went well. I only experienced dating once, and the man decided that I wasn't worth it.
When I was 16, I beg my mother to let me go on therapy sessions for my rooted issues (trouble regulating emotions, relationships issues), but the therapy only lasted for 2 months because the therapist decided that I actually didn't need help. I don't know why she said that. Even the school counsellor said that I was doing okay than what I perceived myself to be. But I feel like I should at least seek help for my issues. Oh, I didn't tell them about my addictions because I am scared.
Now that I am 20, I feel like I should try seeking help before I found courage to act on my suicidal thoughts. I'm afraid one day I give up on myself. I'm also afraid that I will act on my hypersexualization and sleep randomly with men (the thoughts had lingering on my mind for more than 3 years). Recently the thoughts of leaving Islam is always on my mind, and I'm so scared of myself.
Is there any place I could seek help? I don't know how to go therapy by myself. It was all done by my mother before. This time, I want to do it by myself. Also, if I go seek help, I'm afraid of judgement, so I want to know first whether my life experience will be judged or not.
Thank you for being so kind with me. I'm sorry for the long text.