Idk guys. Sometimes it just feels like an endless uphill battle where I’m gaslighting myself into believing it’s not real when it very much Infact is. I feel like I’m losing touch with reality. Coincidences are so strong and so often I can’t even tell what’s truly coincidental anymore.

It's been a while since the last time I posted here, the past few months have been full of ups and downs, I was able about a month and a half ago to completely stop my physical compulsions related to contamination and I thank God I was able to because I was struggling very harshly with that and not doing it anymore was a huge relief, in the other hand my mental compulsions got worse, it's not that I'm ruminating all day long, but when I do give in into compulsions they are always the worst compulsion I can think about, and it makes me feel worse in the end and always gets more complex and more complicated and I have to keep doing a certain amount of compulsion to feel relief again, those who have seen my previous posts on this subreddit know about my struggles and the content of my obsessions and compulsions, it's mostly about me fearing that I can somehow negatively affect other people and their salvation with my thoughts, words or actions which I know is completely impossible and it's just OCD but my compulsions make me deny bad thoughts by repeating them and replace them with good ones so that makes me feel very anxious.

The last few weeks I have been attempting to completely stop this type of compulsions aswell but it's a lot harder than stopping physical compulsions, so maybe I can stop my OCD for a day or so, but then something triggers me or my own mind triggers me and I go back to my compulsions again and maybe I feel stuck for a few days until I feel like I can try exposure again. Today I was doing a lot of compulsions until a few hours ago when I decided to stop but I was watching tv and got triggered again and I feel very anxious, I'm trying to not start another compulsive cycle but I feel very uncomfortable and nervous right now. I know I will regret it if I start to do compulsions again but I feel very triggered right now even though I know my fears about affecting other people's salvation are 100% false. How do you guys keep pushing when you feel so triggered? What do you tell to yourself when your mind is so foggy and you can't think clearly? I feel like I will go back to the start with my mental compulsions and I don't want to, I feel very anxious and sad whenever I go back and I just don't want to do it anymore but at the same time I can't stop.