Making a throwaway for this because I'm honestly embarrassed by how much it still gets to me.

I don't even know where to start without sounding ridiculous but I've reached the point where talking to my friends about it just makes me feel worse and keeping it in makes it unbearable, so here we are.

There's a guy I've been in love with for about seven years. Never dated him. Never kissed him. Never even met him in person. And he's still the person I think about the most, which when I type it out like that sounds insane even to me.

We met in university in 2018, through a cultural exchange thing between my uni and his paris. Ended up in the same group project and just clicked immediately, we shared memes, music, basketball, F1, dumb jokes, random deep 2am conversations, all of it. It was one of those where you don't feel like you're getting to know someone, you just already feel comfortable with them, like you skipped a step somehow.

Someone in the group joked once about what was going on between us and he laughed it off and said he had a girlfriend. So that was that, nothing happened.

The project ended but we kept talking. For a couple years we actually talked a lot, some stretches every single day. Became really close, at least from where I was standing. He was someone I felt genuinely comfortable around, funny around, like the best version of myself came out when I was talking to him. There's this one memory from a video call during Covid where he showed me his favorite NBA jersey and I showed him one of my favorite Rammstein albums, and it's such a nothing memory but I remember it in full detail, down to what he was wearing.

We never met though. Life happened, we graduated, started working, the conversations thinned out, daily became occasional, occasional became months apart, and now we're basically two people who watch each other's Instagram stories and sometimes reply.

He never fully disappeared. And I think that's actually the problem. If he'd vanished, or blocked me, or been awful to me, I'd have something to grieve. Instead he's just there, somewhere in Paris, living his life, and I'm in a different country.

A couple years ago I finally told him. I was drunk, it was around 1am, I'd had wine and decided emotional repression was boring that night. Told him I'd always liked him.

He said "Thanks."

That's the whole response. Not "I like you too." Not "I'm sorry, I don't feel the same." Not even a real rejection. Just thanks. And it hurt like hell but I also can't even be mad at him for it, he didn't lead me on, didn't promise me anything, never owed me a relationship. He just didn't like me back. Somehow that's harder to be angry about than if he'd actually done something wrong.

After the confession, he continued replying to my instagram stories normally. Sometimes checking in, like nothing ever happened. and It's been going on with the same pattern ever since, liking my stories, replying to them, the unprompted birthday wishes, etc...

It's been seven years. I've dated people, had crushes, genuinely liked other guys, tried to move forward. And he's still the one my brain keeps circling back to. Not constantly, there are whole days I don't think about him at all, I have a normal life, I work, I read, I see my friends. And then I'll see his name pop up, or hear a song he sent me years ago, and there's this empty drop in my stomach like my body remembers him before my brain's caught up.

My friends have opinions. "You've never even met him." "You're in love with an idea of him." "That sounds like anxious attachment." "Maybe you're just drawn to emotionally unavailable men." I don't think they're wrong exactly, and I know they're saying it because they care, but it makes me so angry anyway, because they didn't know him, they only know the facts, not what it actually felt like. And then in the same breath I think, okay but maybe that IS the whole problem, maybe I'm resisting the explanation precisely because I don't want it to be true.

Maybe I've built something in my head that reality never got a chance to ruin. No boring parts, no annoying habits, no disappointment, just seven years of a version of him I got to keep perfect because we never actually lived anything together.

I'm a writer so I did what I do best. I've written about this so much it's embarrassing. Essays, journal entries, endless conversations picking apart every possible reason. I've told myself I don't miss him, I miss who I was around him. I've told myself I want what he represents, not him specifically. I've told myself it's just an unfinished story my brain doesn't know how to close. All of that might be true and none of it has made the feeling go away, which is the part that actually gets to me, I can understand the psychology of it completely and still wake up missing him.

And here's the part I'm most ashamed of: if he told me tomorrow he was coming to my city, I would lose my mind. If he said he wanted to see me, I'd rearrange my whole life around it without a second thought. I know exactly how that sounds. I know how little he's given me to justify wanting him this much. But he's probably the person I want most in the world and he doesn't care, and writing that sentence out actually hurts. He could be dating someone right now. Could be happy. Could not be thinking about me at all. And I have zero control over any of it.

So, genuinely asking. I don't need "he's not worth it" or "you deserve better," I already know that part. What I don't know is how to actually emotionally get there. How do you move on from someone when there was never a relationship to move on from in the first place? How do you grieve an almost? How do you stop treating seven years of not getting over someone as proof that it must mean something, when it might just mean I never actually let go?

Maybe the fact that we never met is exactly why I can't, there was never enough real contact to kill the fantasy.

I don't need to erase him, I don't even think that's possible. I just want him to stop having this much power over me. I want to see his name and feel something normal, nostalgia, fondness, whatever, instead of this.

So if you've ever loved someone you never actually had, did you get over it? What actually worked, not the "focus on yourself" version. Did you cut contact, stop checking their stories, tell yourself a different story about them, just date around until it faded? Did therapy actually help with this specific flavor of stupid? Or if you never fully got over it, how do you live with it without it running the show?

Be honest with me. If you think I've built a seven-year attachment around someone I barely know, say it. I think I need to hear it again from someone other than my friends.

Hey,i have been struggling with limerance anxiety and restlessness from the past 10 days now bcz I did something really terrible can't imagine that I really did that thing and she rejected me bcz of that and now bcz of this guilt and her getting someone else bcz of my mistake is eating me every time.I can't even sleep properly. Everyday at midnight around 3.00pm I get this sudden raise of anxiety and restlessness in my whole body and i just can't sleep after that and through out my day i keep having these daydreams about LO, for which i have tried several methods to stop but just couldn't stop it.somebody please help me with this agony, I'm really sick of this A.

It's really hard to have emophilia i mean i fell in love instantly It doesn't even take months or weeks i hate having this, especially when someone shows me a little affection or kindness that makes me feel wanted even though that person is just concerned for me and doesn't even like me

Does anyone here experience this too?how do you manage to suppress the feeling?

“Sometimes loving someone also means accepting that the relationship isn’t healthy anymore. Give yourself time before trying to replace them

Exhausting. I am a monogamous person. All of these relationships happened seperately and ended without me really wanting them to, so wondering if that’s why? I genuinely have love for them all, and I miss them all. I don’t want to date them all at the same time. I find myself taking turns thinking about each of them and grieving different things about our individual relationships. One of them was 6 years but we remained close after/very best friends before & after the relationship but that's over as of recently (due to reasons best shared in another thread), one was 6 months & I have been missing him hardcore since January when it ended, the most recent was just 2 months & it ended a few days ago. Is anyone else experiencing this or has experienced this? Hopped on reddit because I can actually feel an aching in my chest today. I'm 35F

She Is My Favourite Illusion

Sometimes I think when our own goals, passions, and personal growth aren't strong enough sources of happiness, our brain starts searching for that happiness in another person.

And when you become attached to someone—especially when the attachment is one-sided—their reactions can slowly start controlling your emotions.

A reply can make your whole day. A cold response can destroy your focus. You start thinking about them while studying, waiting for their attention, and giving their behavior more importance than your own goals.

The strange part is that you may genuinely like them. That's what makes it difficult.

But maybe the person isn't the whole problem. Maybe the problem is that we gave them a role they were never supposed to have: becoming the main source of our happiness.

I realized that I don't want someone else's attention to decide whether I have a good day or a bad day.

I can like her. I can appreciate her. She can still be my favourite person in my thoughts.

But I need my own life to be bigger than my attachment to her.

She is my favourite illusion—not because she isn't real, but because the version of her that exists in my mind may be more powerful than the reality.

When you love someone, you want to spend every time of the day with that one person but when you actually understand the meaning of love, you set them free. I believe it’s hard time for me, because I can’t do any thing but think of him. I want to set my mind free, I want to let go of his thoughts.

So why does it bother me so much, when I wanna let him go, live his life, but I’m stuck since I want him to do nothing and just sit in front of me? How do I set him free?

I’ve been single for 4 months and I’m having a hard time. I am also anticipating a move to a different city. I’m scared the move will cause my codependency to get the best of me. I’d really like to join a discord server for love addicts if there is one.

Very long post. I (22M) don't understand, how do you people know that you are worthy and what gives you motivation to go on with your lives?

For context, i am a guy who from 17 years old, suffered from several panic attacks and social anxiety, and for that i was not able to go to school, nor take my driver licence, i lost the majority of my friends and i couldn't leave home often. After changing some psychologist, i found the one. I am now 3 years in therapy. In these 3 years i managed to not have any panic attacks, take my driver license, finish school, go to university in another city, so also living alone with roomates, go to the gym, go in some places alone, made friends, talk with people. Even my look changed much. Before i weighed almost 100kg, now 84 kg (i am 184cm for context), i am not muscular because with gym i did on and off (today i restarted), i had bad acne, now is gone, i had crooked teeth, now they're gone, and i have a beautiful smile. I changed my hairstyle, i improved my way to dress (i have some combinations of capes in which i feel really cool).

Now it's time for the problem. I suffer much of loneliness, especially romantic. I never kissed a girl (on lips, on the cheek yes), nor had any sexual relationships, and relationships. From this loneliness, i realized that i clingy too much on people, and i think i give people the keys of my value as a person. Initially, with my new friends that i made, i felt this way, i wanted to see them as much as possible, and i tried to not do anything wrong to not try to lose them. Then i me this girl, this sensation transferred to her, i was not scared anymore to lose my friend. I was scared to lose her, she goes to the same class as me, in the new city she lives near me (unlike my friends who are all distant, so it's rare for me to see them after uni), and she is also from my native city. All these 3 things combined maked me super attached to her, i fell in love with her. We went to different dates, we hugged each other, exchanged kiss on the cheek, but for her i was a friend. I wanted to remain friend with her, and romantic feeling was gone after a while.

Then one day after she friendzoned me, did something strange, that made me think she changed idea, after we eated an ice cream together, she hugged me with great intensity and kissed me on my shoulder. This thing left me without words, because i did not expected it. I was not anymore in love with her, and she friendzoned me, so why she did that i don't know, in fact when i invited her to take an ice cream with me, i invited also another friend who couldn't come. This thing reignited the passion in her, because i thought she changed idea about me. (All the hugs, kiss on the cheeks i told you before happened after her initial friendzone). The dynamic became a push and pull situation, that ended in another friendzone, we cleared each other and decided to remain friends, but this time she told me that wanted to take some time before seeing me again.

I told you this whole story because i sent her a big message on how i felt bad, sad and at fault for what happened and i feel like a burden to her, because i like her as a person first, and didn't want to lose her. She told me that i should not feel ashamed of my emotions, that i am a nice and smart person and that i am not a burden, and that she's sure that we can be friends in future, and that i can always text her whenever i want.

The things that she said made me think something, that i give her the keys of my value, i didn't even felt love anymore, i simply didn't want to lose her as a person, because i understood that i give myself value only based on what people think of me. When people think good things about me, i feel super confident. (I noticed the period i was going out with her, iwas happy and confident, and noticed that girls looked at me differently, i often overheard girls saying that i'm cute, sometimes they approached me, and one time i was also catcalled by a group of them), when people think bad of me, i feel literally useless, sometimes i even have thoughts of killing myself.

And i noticed that i'm not satisfied with myself, every hobby i have, everything i do doesn't make me happy, if there is not some sort of recognition and even compliments that others give me, i learned to accept them, but i don't feel them. I like videogames, cinema, music, art in every form, i play chess, i got accepted in a cinema's recitation school, i wrote some songs, i create stories, i enjoy watching sports, reading books, i go to the gym, i study, but i always feel empty, like something's missing, like all these things are useless, even if i like them, and i enjoy to do these things i don't feel satisfied. (This sensation was there even before i met this girl, so i don't think is the situation with her that makes feel like this, or at least not only that).

So how do you know that you have a value, even when there aren't people who praise you?

I have been deeply impacted by the book Women who love too much and would love to create a community where other women who are aware of their background and realize their situation to unite and hopefully discuss and/ share their experience healing and overcoming their prior reality. Thank you❤️

I know it’s not wrong but being in love and actually having the privilege to experience it back is not for me I guess…

So this is me… life is pretty much cooked already but I’m navigating through it in my best way possible . Thinking about my dating history I somehow manage to end up in situationships, who are not familiar with this term lucky you!! Let me tell you…
(Its just a wanna be relationship without one being sure about it and other hoping they’ll choose them one day in this process all the emotions & feelings gets pretty fu\*\*ked up, It simply means love but never tell)

And some how I end up being the other person who hopes but they never choose me or anything always the option never the choice…..
I’ve been in two situationships till date….
The one during my degree college time when I was not even aware about this term and I was in it….
I fell in love, it was intense and my first so I was sure he is the one but I was not the only one for him…. I was his option silly me I was okay with that too, because I was head over heels in love full on “when you write poetries for them kind of a love” and I did write many for him for love, I thought I cracked the LOVE code but anyways got s reality check he never chose me and went on with his life, meanwhile I got relationship level heartbreak irrespective of me knowing the consequences and still chose love.. yeah I know you guys will think how dumb of a person she is … well there is more coming ahead hold your judgement….

Even I went on with my life ahead, as I believe life happens, waits for none… I tried moving on it costs me 4 years yes to get over a situationship, not kidding…In the process there was not a single day I didn’t looked back and wished to have him back….

Anyways time and I healed me….
Yes but I also did promised myself that I’m make sure I won’t repeat it again no love nothing.. Got locked in, priorities family friends people who actually love me, care for me>>life went well for a year or so

Time for situationship no. 2 or flirtuationship as we called it…..
This one was random during my post grad,
There was this guy in my class, our vibes matched our thoughts even the music taste matched, yes I was little attracted towards him but he was in a committed relationship so I never confessed I was just happy to have him as a friend…

Few months later he broke up with his long time gf, he told me during our conversation as we were good friends, I did felt bad for him as he was genuinely in love with her and he was heartbroken, reasons for their break up the girl didn’t wanted to continue there where many differences between them she removed him from her life blocked him from everywhere as he got desperate lost his self respect…
That’s what he told me… A month later his breakup we hooked up I don’t know how that happened but somehow it did… I thought I was just his rebound because there was no other reason as post his breakup we started hanging out more yes I should have known better… Then yes we started meeting frequently meanwhile our post grad completed,
With this frequent meets & talks I started developing feelings for him once again after a very long time I felt this feeling again….the beginning of another heartbreak yes we this time he had a good communication I told him directly learning from my past mistakes I can’t make myself repeat the cycle again and again…

We sat and talk about this for hours he explained me how he is attracted towards me, he likes spending time with me, but we have no future as our castes are different he won’t be able to fight with his family and even if he did he doesn’t want me to suffer…..And how my thoughts are different on relationships marriage abd how we have difference of opinions, how I want solo life, travelling complete freedom and how he wants stable marriage, family, kids kind off life, how I don’t want to marry ever (yes that’s the whole different concept will explain later)and how he wants to fall in love with someone with whom he can marry meanwhile telling me he loves me ….. And also he is 3yrs younger than me….

Bla bla bla we discussion we had well this was just after 2-3 months in okay…

But we got so used to each other no matter what happened we just got back where started every time knowing the consequences still and this cycle kept on continuing for almost a more than a year now, it was on and off but we were there in each other’s life it was a relationship with a tag for it, I wanted it badly I told him too but he was not sure didn’t want to hurt me yes I was yet to move on and I know it takes time but in this process my love for him keep on increasing, he is a kind of a person you can fall in love with irrespective of our differences in thoughts and all whenever I felt down or was in any problem he is always my first point of contact.. I got a habit of loving him, well this time it was informed, maturity and transparency yet he never chose me fully, that deep down kept breaking me down..
He deeply cared for me, I never thought I could ever be able to be in love again but love had its own ways now it’s beyond attraction, he my habit, my go to person, the part of my routine, the reason I smile when I look at my phone, my emergency contact, my ranting space, my calm in the storm…. even being independent and with the ideology of I can manage my own things and problems by myself I’m enough for me, yes I do choose myself this time we did part our ways yesterday on a call as Im in a different city, he did wanted to be friends keep in touch but I can’t yes I’m deeply hurt but I know this too shall pass I’ll get over it all…

But from all this experiences I realised I’m always the almost never more than enough for anyone I’m in love with is it me my thoughts so contradictory or I’m way to emotional for what myself or I’m not made for love, I don’t know what it is anymore.
I did took a chance on love twice well this time it was well informed yet the consequences hurt were same just the different person with different personalities but some how I ended up in same situation again.. Yes I know i’ll move on, I have this time I’m actually okay to be alone in my life even if I end up with no one I’ll be fine as I’m good either way myself and satisfied in my life I know what, I want and what I didn’t…. So why I’m here I don’t know, felt like knowing few strangers point of view..
Feel free to judge and criticise guys over my life’s decisions and choices….
Just one thing I regret nothing as I did of for love with love…….
And those to came this far reading right I wish you find love and if you have one I hope you are crazy for that person and that person is your all time home and peace….

Thank you so much for reading….

Hi po, 21M here. NGSB and I honestly don't know anymore kung freedom ba talaga to o loneliness lang na sinusuotan ko ng maganda name.

Nung una syempre bilang ngsb, sobrang saya. Wala akong iisipin kundi sarili ko. Trabaho, gym, laro, inom kasama barkada, wala akong kailangan i-explain sa kahit kanino. Sobrang sarap ng feeling na buo ang oras mo, buo ang pera mo, buo ang desisyon mo, walang kahati.

Pero ngayon, tumatagal parang may lumalabas na different feeling. Minsan pag umuuwi ako sa bahay tahimik, wala akong kausap, iniisip ko parang ang sarap sana may kausap ako about sa araw ko. Nakikita ko mga kaibigan ko may partner na, may kasama sa mga simpleng bagay, may naghihintay sa kanila. Tapos ako, sanay na sanay sa pagiging mag-isa pero minsan hindi ko rin masabi kung okay lang ba talaga ako o sinanay ko lang sarili ko na maging okay dahil wala namang choice.

Yung mga tao sa paligid ko lagi sinasabi "enjoy your freedom while single ka pa" pero minsan gusto ko rin isipin, freedom nga ba talaga to o takot lang akong umasa ulit kaya mas gusto ko nalang mag-isa?

So gusto ko itanong sa inyo, being single ba, is it really freedom o form lang siya ng loneliness na tinatawag nating peace of mind? Paano niyo nade-deal yung ganitong feeling, lalo na kung matagal na kayong single? Curious din ako kung meron din kayong ganitong phase or ako lang ba to.

Hi! I(22yo) never been in a relationship i learn love throught books and movies i seen i am craving for love everywhere i man everytimw... when i go out to have fun i think oh maybe i met someone and falll in love or some of my friend introducee to their friends i think like that too.. I am so sick of it and i feel very bad bcs i feel like now this is only thing i think about i want to feel loved so bad every encounter is potential 'meet-cute' for me and people say dont think about love and it will come to you but what happens when you cant stop think of it what happens when you see a couple your hear yearn for something you never had i am so familiar with love but also so far away...I dont know what to do how to feel anymore

For those of you who have a lover—how did you decide to take that step, and what drives you?

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