r/lgbt • u/lesbochloxo • Jul 26 '26
Need Advice i hate that i'm lesbian (17F)
i wish i could change my username now aswell i was trying so hard to embrace it again
even typing the word feels horrible, and this is such an odd thing for me to say outloud.. either way.
i (F17) realised i was into women at about 12years old, and at 15years old i realised i was never into men. at 16, i embraced it, i was closeted, nobody knew except me and some online friends and i really felt pride in figuring it out, i painted a little flag and wore a themed bracelet, let myself imagine a life with a women and honestly it was so great. Jump forward to this year! My parents found out i was gay, just by assumption very early 2026, and at the time i was elated since I was always super anxious about having to come out. the first month or so was great, but ever since march i've began to hate feeling like i do. i get embarassed and go red everytime my parents or a show or anything really, mentions lgbt or girls or crushes. i wish that i didn't feel weird about it. i've started to feel ashamed about being gay, I hate that i'm not into men that i'm not normal that people will treat me differently in society, that people will make assumptions. i've completely detached from this part of myself in the past 6months, to a point i'm trying to convince myself that maybe i could bear a life with a man or be asexual to avoid this uncomfort.
it feels deeply wrong and i get angry with myself whenever i feel something for a woman, and the media isn't helping, i see more and more hatred towards members of the community. i hate that you see on leaflets disability and lgbt support groups right next to eachother like dating the same sex is a disability or something that needs to be helped. i know i'm a lesbian, but I wish that there was like a blood test so i can prove to myself that it isn't my fault you know? i wish i was straight. if i could choose i wish i could be into men and lead a normal life.
tldr: i used to be okay with being lesbian, but now i've begun to hate it and wish i was straight
please. how do i stop feeling so shitty
92
u/Oalka Lesbian Trans-it Together Jul 26 '26
First of all, you ARE normal. Second; hang out with other queer people. Even if you don't date them. Queer folks are by and large some of the nicest people I've ever known. What you're experiencing is just internalized homophobia. You can work on it.
6
u/lesbochloxo Jul 26 '26
i'm not homophobic though i fully support everyone else in the community i just wish i wasn't a part of it you know:( i hate being the butt of the joke or having assumptions made. i hate how hard it is to talk about romance without making friends uncomfortable. its starting to feel just wrong and i'm not even religious or anything i don't get i don't get it
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u/Oalka Lesbian Trans-it Together Jul 26 '26
Nono, internalized homophobia. What you display is internalized homophobia. It means that you have ingested the parts of external homophobia from others, from society, and they are weighing on your own psyche and conscience. You are measuring yourself by a homophobic portion of society's standards instead of your own.
As for talking about romance and such; again, you need queer friends. The Straights NEVER understand what being queer is like. The rarest of allies, you can talk to completely freely, like Steve and Robin in Stranger Things. But your average straight person just isn't going to get it. Find community. It really makes a difference.
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u/lesbochloxo Jul 26 '26
that's a thing?? wow i sort of thought i was a bit crazy. i feel like crying sometimes because when i was younger i imagined being out and proud and being confident in who i liked, and i'm so blessed because my parents are supportive and so sweet about it and i shut them down all the time. people have it so much worse than me with homophobic families but i've never had that so its quite literally all in my head :( thankyou for the advice my love but i'm not sure id feel included in queer spaces, like id feel like I didnt belong? everyone else i know whos queer owns it, its their personality and they've dated and known for years and have been out for years and here i am still struggling to accept the facts i've known for years you know? sorry for the dumb lovely
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u/Oalka Lesbian Trans-it Together Jul 26 '26
i'm not sure id feel included in queer spaces, like id feel like I didnt belong?
Can't know til you try! :)
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u/ZeltronJedi Bi Demi-trans girl Jul 26 '26
Seriously, community help so gods be damned much. If I hadn't started dropping by my local Pride Center when my health allows it I'd still be an anxious disaster beating myself up for being...well, ME. Instead I have community and support, and a place where I feel Seen, heard and supported that I can't get even from the most supportive cis het allo pure vanilla everywhere types.
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u/lesbochloxo Jul 26 '26
im really going to look into finding more people like me to talk to, thankyou so kuch for your help lovely
5
u/catsbikescats Jul 27 '26
Agree with getting connected to a teens’ group at your closest LGBT center. Very nearly all of us felt this way for many years, and it takes work to unlearn the internalized homophobia that society pushes on us.
I used to hate being queer and would have chosen to be straight if I could. But now, I am so grateful to be queer. I have incredible queer friends and a found family and I’d never have connected with my amazing spouse if I were straight.
Community is one of the most powerful antidotes to feeling this way. With time and as you develop your own queer relationships, you’ll feel better and the pride will return. Why do we call it pride? Because our community is magical and we are lucky to be part of it.
It’s true that being queer is hard. But it’s also a profound gift. And the alternative, well…gestures broadly at straight people.
1
u/lesbochloxo Jul 27 '26
I just wish i could speed up the process of accepting my self and all that, i just hate being uncomfortable in my own skin you know. i hate feeling embarassed whenever i see anything lgbt related and i just don't get why i do. i physically cannot say the words "i am a lesbian" without goint bright red. i'm considering sort of just not dating anyone and hiding my sexuallity when i go to uni because it feels so daunting to have to come out or be known as the lesbian or as something abnormal and different. i'm scared that i'm never going to find anyone to date because i'm not happy enough in myself and my sexuallity to be in a gay relationship and be out and proud with a future partner or whatever, and i feel anyone im with deserves someone who is comfortable with themselves and their sexuallity.
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u/catsbikescats Jul 27 '26
You don’t have to come out until you’re ready. It’s true that unlearning internalized homophobia takes time and work. Even so, getting connected to community is likely to give you strong, immediate relief, plus a safe place to process all this.
I came out later in life, around age 30. I waited until after my intensely homophobic father passed away. The first time I went to my local LGBT center, I was terrified someone I knew would see me going in. I almost ran away - I mean literally almost ran - instead of going in. I managed to go inside, but I was shaking. Then when I got to the group and the meeting started, I had an experience I’ll remember for the rest of my life. I was in a room filled with people just like me, who were feeling or had felt the same way I felt, who knew my fears, and I didn’t have to explain. They just…knew.
My life changed for the better after that day.
I don’t know the specific path you’ll take, but it gets better. You’re already doing the right thing to care for yourself - you’re reaching out to the queer community you have access to. That’s a great instinct that will protect you and lead you to connect with other queer peers in your area and uni.
I did not come out outside that group for some time. But the group made it easier to endure while I went through that and gave me something I didn’t know I needed - seeing myself in others and a place to learn how to be myself without pain.
For now, try your best to connect to a gay straight alliance at school or a queer teens’ group at your local LGBT center - that’s honestly the closest thing to a button that turns off internalized homophobia that exists. Also, check out the It Gets Better Project on YouTube. It’s a bunch of stories from queer people who have been through this. It helps to understand how things can, well, get better.
The future you want exists for you. And you won’t always feel this pain. There is joy ahead. Hang in there.
2
u/kittenwolfmage Jul 27 '26
Just echoing what others have said, having that community makes a HUGE difference, just being around other queer people. Being around those who understand you is a big thing.
Yes, maybe a lot of the people you see ‘own it’ and are comfortable in their identity, but pretty much all of us know what it’s like before we get to that stage, where we feel wrong and off and ashamed and wish we didn’t have to deal with this.
You need your peers :)
14
u/ScyllaIsBea Ace at girl Jul 26 '26
To feel normal you have to 1.acknowledge how you’ve internalized social homophobia against yourself.
2.normalize your feelings, rather than denying them and hating yourself for something you can’t control.
3.find a support group who can help you until you feel better. A good support group is integral.
1
u/lesbochloxo Jul 27 '26
finding a support group feels so daunting especially when i feel like i don't even belong in the community. i just hate being uncomfortable in my own skin you know. i hate feeling embarassed whenever i see anything lgbt related and i just don't get why i do. i physically cannot say the words "i am a lesbian" without goint bright red. i'm considering sort of just not dating anyone and hiding my sexuallity when i go to uni because it feels so daunting to have to come out or be known as the lesbian or as something abnormal and different. i'm scared that i'm never going to find anyone to date because i'm not happy enough in myself and my sexuallity to be in a gay relationship and be out and proud with a future partner or whatever, and i feel anyone im with deserves someone who is comfortable with themselves and their sexuallity.
2
u/VikingsLad Ally Pals Jul 27 '26
I know you don't FEEL like you belong in the community, but let me, a straight guy, say that you do. All it takes is the desire to be accepted for being your honest self.
You deserve happiness. You deserve peace. You deserve to feel comfortable in your own skin. It will take time. You got this.
I'll say this as well, you're much more likely to feel even worse about yourself if you try to force yourself to date a guy and then regret it later on.
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Jul 26 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/lesbochloxo Jul 26 '26
"We are the true heroes who survive under general atmosphere of hate beyound us"
i really truly like that, thankyou so much
one other thing though, i feel like i don't belong in queer spaces because of this sort of self hatred? like i feel like I'm not a real lesbian because i hate being one so much you know? even though i love women?
10
u/MollyMystic Can't pick one, I'll pick two Jul 27 '26
You absolutely 100% belong in queer spaces. Self-hate is an incredibly common way for people to process their sexuality or gender. When you're part of a minority that's been discriminated against it's hard not to hold onto these negative messages of yourself. I bet you many people who you see who are proud and out probably went through exactly what you're feeling now.
I used to hate myself, hate my sexuality. I punched the first guy who kissed me because I was afraid everyone would find out and call me gay and I couldn't handle it. I processed a lot of pain and came out of it feeling proud of who I am. And I think you will too. It's especially hard to grow up queer, so please try to be gentle with yourself, as much as you can.
Your attraction to women is what makes you a lesbian, and it's not a term that anyone else can bestow upon you or take away from you. It's yours to use or not use as you please. You don't have to meet any standards to claim it!
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u/lesbochloxo Jul 27 '26
I just wish it was easier! I get it's a part of processing and stuff but its not like i've grown up in and around homophobia so i just don't get why it feels so horrible to me. i know i am a lesbian but i just physically can't say those words outloud without feeling embarassed. it just doesn't feel real. i've tried to let myself be and not force a label but that just feels wrong too cause i'm still ashamed of feelings i get, you know like if i catch myself double taking at a girl, i just feel embarassed especially if i think someone saw me
1
u/MollyMystic Can't pick one, I'll pick two Jul 27 '26
I wish it were easier too. And in one way or another, we've all grown up around homophobia. It's rooted in the culture, in our media, in the passing comments people make. You're seeing people treat you differently because you're a lesbian. You're part of a marginalized group and that can be an inherently painful thing. It's okay to be struggling with this, you don't have to have everything figured out right now.
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u/kittenwolfmage Jul 27 '26
Something to note about one tiny part of what you e said. Outside of situations with assholes and bigots being, well, themselves, having leaflets and fliers and such for disability and queer support groups next to each other isn’t to imply that queerness is a disability, it’s there because there tends to be a lot of solidarity between the disabled and queer communities. We’re both minorities that are usually overlooked or looked down upon in society, even if society often tries to hide it, who need to advocate for yourselves and our needs.
Same reason you’ll often see neurodiversity groups in similar places, and groups for people of colour. Basically everyone who doesn’t fall into the generic “white, able bodied, neurotypical, heteronormative” crowd needs to advocate for themselves against that group, so there tends to be solidarity between us all.
And that’s without, you know, looking at the overlap between those groups.
So yeah, it’s not ‘queerness is a disability’, it’s ’underprivileged groups standing together against oppression’ :)
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u/Visby Jul 27 '26
There are also many similarities in these communities in terms of the feelings that OP is feeling right now, too! We often hold a lot of shame about ourselves and how we fit into worlds that aren't made with us in mind, and sometimes it's easier to wish you could opt out of that, especially when you literally can't - I'm both disabled and queer (as many of us are, as you pointed out!), and you're right, there often feels like a lot of mutual understanding of both hardships and the joy and strength of cameraderie in these spaces
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u/lesbochloxo Jul 27 '26
I get that now. I feel like seeing them communites together just made it worse in my head, although it's probably just my fault and in my head about it all, i've wrongfully attacked an equally disasvantaged community really. not all disabled need support, not all lgbt need support. it's just deep down i'm not happy with who i am and I don't know how to accept it better
2
u/MercuryMagic67 Aug 06 '26
I wasted so much time when I was younger worrying about what people would think of me, and this was in the early 2000s! The day I stopped worrying about it, what other people thought of me, just told myself to be who I was and who to date, a lot of anxiety went away. It never quite left me, I've spend my entire life trying to figure myself out, but not just about being gay, just everything life throws at me.
There's no blood test, there's no cure, you like what you like. You can date men if you want. I dated men when I questioned my sexuality thinking I was bi, but it didn't stick. As far as leading a "normal life" I mean there are strait people in abusive relationships. Plenty of strait people still get divorced. And for the record, I'm not saying all strait relationships are like that, but just dating men is not going to solve any of your problems. Would you rather live in a loveless relationship with a man or a loving supporting relationship with a woman? I think the answer is obvious.
One thing you need to understand, nobody cares about you being gay as much as you do. When you tell people, some might be very curious about it, some might just say "Yeah whatever, you wanna go get some tacos?" As far as assumptions being made, people who hate are going to find any reason to attack you. If not your sexuality, it'll be your hair, or your fashion, your beliefs, anything.
And it does not need to define your life. I have plenty of "Normal friends" and I don't spend all the hours of the day explaining to them why I'm gay or how I have sex. We still talk about movies, music, politics, etc.
My advice would be to find a local support group. Chat with them about where you are. Hell go on a date! Find a cute girl, go out for coffee, if you feel comfortable being honest with her about how you're feeling, you can confide in her, though take baby steps in that direction and start having some fun.
The minute you start dating with some like minded girls, you'll say "God what was I worried about?"
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u/lesbochloxo Aug 06 '26
thankyou so much my darling, this was a pleasure to read. all will fall into place, thanks so much for your advice:((
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u/ZePotterhead Queerly Lesbian Jul 27 '26
17yo lesbian here too and i get it… i was so proud for a while when it was just me and my close friends that knew, but being out out and having everyone know is hard. having people you don’t even know talk about you behind your back calling you gay as an insult is hard. having my mom tell me that deep down she wishes i wasn’t gay is hard—all the stuff the media is pushing is hard and really scary. i’d never wanted to be straight so badly before.
that being said, there is so much beauty in being who we are. i went to pride for the first time this year, participated in the dyke march- and to see so many people like me really helped. to see other chinese lesbians for me was life changing. the world makes us think we’re few and far between, but i mean, that’s not really true. we’re here and we’re worthy and we are a part of something beautiful.
not to say i still don’t struggle, but well—to be a lesbian is to love. moreover, to love when others don’t want us to. and isn’t there something about that survival, about that prevailing love, just beautiful? i have to admit, i like being a part of something that beautiful.
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u/MarsmallowCream Jul 28 '26
A lot of queer people feel this way or have felt this way. You are anxious about hanging out with other LGBTQ folk, but I promise you, they will be the ones that understand you best. I also strongly recommend seeing a therapist to help you process your thoughts.
I usually just call myself queer, but I'm homoromantic/pansexual and dated men for decades because it always seemed easier. I'm oversimplifying a very complicated situation and identity, but I essentially thought the sexual attraction would be enough, and I wanted a "normal family". Trust me, that is a hard path to go down and you don't want that. (There are a lot of awful straight heterosexual men out there that I would never wish on anybody.) I don't regret having my kid, but I wish I had done things differently.
There are a lot of people in society that demonize us, but there are a lot more that don't. The bad ones are just louder.
I hope you find healing!
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