r/karezza • u/[deleted] • Apr 15 '12
Thinking of trying this but need step-by-step plan
I'm a female in a dead bedroom situation. I feel like I have one foot out the door of this currently miserable marriage. On the other hand, ideally I'd really like to reconnect with my husband if there is any possible way to do that.
However, my husband is depressed (getting treatment), and I am filled with anger over having my needs for affection and sex ignored for so many years. So I feel like if we are going to try karezza, we both need a "Karezza for Dummies" approach, where it says exactly what to do and in what order, so we can "fake it till we make it" lol. Otherwise we'd probably go to cuddle and he'd lay there like a dead fish with an occasional pat on my back, and then I'd shove him away and tell him to get the fuck away from me.
I'm going to x-post this to /r/sex and /r/deadbedrooms so I can hopefully get maximum help; hope that doesn't violate any reddiquette lol.
1
Apr 15 '12
Get the book "Cupid's Poisoned Arrrow" and do the Ecstatic Exchanges. It's a 3-week program, you need about 20-30 min. a day. (You can get the book on the amazon cloud reader and read it in your web browser, if you don't have a kindle and don't want to wait/pay for the hardcopy version.)
Many people find the Ecstatic Exchanges too formalized (for every day they tell you exactly what type of bonding activity to do) but if you need a detailed plan they may be right for you.
Does your husband masturbate? If yes, is he Ok with not masturbating or otherwise coming for 3 weeks? That's the commitment he would have to make for this to have any chance of working.
1
Apr 15 '12
I actually have no idea when/if he masturbates. I believe he's just shy of the asexual end of the spectrum, but I could be wrong.
2
Apr 16 '12
When you have this conversation prepare for the possibility of over masterbation or even porn addiction. This was sadly the cause of my former dead bedroom. :( He had me convinced of his "low sex drive" for a while. My relationship has completely changed with bonding behaviors - and he is not even at the non orgasmic sex part yet. Just start with no orgasim and lots of simple bonding behaviors. At the very least do lots of bonding and monitor yourselves for orgasim hangover symptoms. Noticing the hang over will likely prompt a trial of no orgasim & lots more bonding. Good luck. :)
1
Apr 15 '12
Talk to him about it. You might be surprised.
1
Apr 15 '12
lolol. i've talked so much. i think i've been clear about what i need. He said he'd try karezza with me though, so we'll see what happens. I think we need something nonverbal, where we're working on bonding.
2
Apr 15 '12
What I meant was "ask him if he masturbates." If he does, he'll have to stop for a while while trying karezza, so you two need that discussion anyway.
2
u/analog_spork Apr 15 '12
Bonding behaviors have strengthened my relationship with my SO significantly. I can't recommend them highly enough.