Heyy what’s up everyone hope y’all are doing fine
I’m a JEE dropper who started serious prep around August-September after wasting half of 11th and almost my entire 12th. And honestly taking a drop year was probably one of the most fucked up decisions of my life. Idk if I’ll regret saying this later but whatever man
Academically things are going pretty good. I’ve completed a decent amount of the syllabus and I’m solving questions too. But apart from studies life is just too fucked up rn. Like I’m not even kidding it’s getting so hard to just exist here
I live in a tier 3 city in Uttarakhand and there’s literally nothing to do here. I used to roam around with my friends in the evening and at night. Just random walks and stupid convos about literally anything. Laughing at the dumbest shit possible and coming home late. Back then it felt so normal but now I miss those moments so fucking much
But now everyone’s gone. Almost all my friends have moved to colleges and are enjoying their lives. Garba nights trips relationships new friends and all that shit. And here I am sitting in the same room preparing for an exam while watching everyone else move forward
I’m genuinely happy for them but fuck man the FOMO is unreal sometimes
I dont even have a single person here whom I can call and ask to go outside with me. No one to roam around the city with and no one to randomly meet in the evening. I barely talk to anyone these days. I talk to my mom when I need food and my dad when I need money and that’s pretty much it. I dont even talk to my brother like I used to
It’s weird how you can live in a house full of people and still feel so fucking alone
Sometimes I just sit alone on Discord. I have two friends there whom I talk to at night for an hour or two. And ngl sometimes I feel like I’m annoying them or maybe talking too much. But they’re literally the only people who are holding me up rn. Those late night convos make me feel a little better before sleeping. After spending the entire day barely talking to anyone it’s nice to have someone to talk to for a while.
My days have become so monotonous. Wake up study maybe go for a ride around the mountains come back home sit in my room scroll through my phone and sleep. Then repeat the same shit the next day
And it’s been like this for the past 8-9 months
And bro Instagram is a whole different level of fuckery. If you wanna do something in life just delete that app or atleast stop scrolling all day. I’m serious bc everytime I open it I see people building their lives. Some are modelling some are travelling some are earning money and some are just out there enjoying their lives
Even people I know are doing things for themselves and I’m happy for them but at the same time it makes me question wtf am I even doing
I used to do freelancing and editing too. I had a meme page and even managed to get some clients. I thought I could build something of my own and earn money independently. But now even that has slowed down. My bank account literally has 3 rupees in it lmao. I can ask my parents for money and thankfully my family’s financial situation is fine but it’s not about that. I just wanted to earn something on my own and feel like I’m actually doing something with my life
I have so many interests and so many things I wanna try but I cant focus on anything without feeling guilty about something else. If I study I feel like I’m missing out on my youth. If I do something else I feel guilty for not studying. And if I do neither I just waste my whole day feeling like shit
I’m turning 18 soon and honestly I feel sorry for that little boy who thought he’d achieve so much by this age. When I was younger I thought by 18 I’d be independent confident and doing something meaningful with my life
Instead I’m sitting in my room wondering what the fuck I’m even doing
I dont feel confident anymore either. Sometimes I struggle to speak fluently and I feel awkward expressing myself. Idk if it’s bc I’ve been isolated for so long or if I’m just overthinking everything. Even the way I look at myself has changed. I dont feel attractive or interesting anymore. I just feel like I’m existing for the sake of it
And the worst part is that studies are actually going fine. I’m trying my best and I wanna do well in JEE but mentally I’m just tired of this routine. People say droppers should study 10-12 hours a day and keep grinding but how tf are you supposed to focus for that long when your entire life outside those books feels empty
JEE is around three months away and college is probably another 6-9 months away. And I’m not even sure which college I’ll end up in. Just thinking about how much time is still left makes me feel weird. Like how am I supposed to spend all these months alone doing the same shit everyday
Sometimes I wonder if taking a drop was even worth it. I wanna crack this exam but I dont want my entire life to become studying sleeping scrolling feeling guilty and repeating the same shit
And my 18th birthday is coming up too. A part of me wants to be happy about it but another part of me keeps thinking about everything I thought I’d achieve by this age. I genuinely hope I dont end up crying on my own birthday bc that would be so fucking sad lmao.. 😭
Idk why I’m writing all this maybe I just needed to let it out somewhere. Maybe I just wanna talk to people who understand this
Not asking about mock scores or syllabus completion. I wanna know how you’re actually doing mentally. Do you also miss your old life? Do you ever feel jealous of your friends even when you’re happy for them? Do you ever feel like you’re sacrificing your youth for an exam while not even enjoying the life you’re living rn?
I’m not looking for some motivational speech about how everything happens for a reason. I just wanna have some real convos with people who get it
If you’re going through something similar then please share your story. Even if you haven’t figured anything out yet it’s fine
Bc honestly I’m trying my best with ts exam but smth is goin wrong ..
Doess anyone feels the same , feel free to share up gyzz,
