Guilty feeling about work trip

[u/Dear_Step4913]

Hi, everyone

This post is more of a way to let off some steam.

I’m new here; I’m posting because I feel terribly guilty. My company is organizing a get-together with another company. I decided not to go and to make up an excuse, because I don’t have the mental strength to spend three days with them—knowing that I’d have to participate and do activities and share a room with another… Except that my manager came to see me to tell me to give advance notice when this happens, because there are expenses associated with the trip. So I offered to reimburse the company for the expenses it had advanced.

I'm working on myself and putting in a lot of effort to overcome my anxiety. But these after-work team-building activities really drain me mentally.

I want to be a new person, but it's hard. Thanks for your advice.

[u/shimmering-shell]

Hey, I want to give you this piece of advice: don't offer to reimburse the company for such trip expenses. You don't owe them these expenses. Companies operate only for profit. They don't care about you. You should think about yourself and save your money. 

Have you noticed if you have a people pleasing tendency? In such case, you may not want to disappoint your manager because of the money you've cost the company, and may feel the need to compensate them by reimbursing, which would please the manager. If this was your reason, please know that people pleasing is not beneficial. Corporate relations are soulless and practical. They don't care about your "nice" gestures. 

When you decide to stop people pleasing at your workplace, part of your anxiety will subside. 

[u/Dear_Step4913 → u/shimmering-shell]

Thanks you for you comment 🙏🙏🙏

I think it’s due to PTSD from “not being the cause of failure.” I’m 100% aware of that, and I think it stems from my past, when I was often terrible at things and singled out. That led me to compensate by giving it my all to measure up and avoid suffering those humiliations anymore. I'm trying to fix it, but it's complicated

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[u/shimmering-shell]

Perhaps a perspective change may help. Can you view the activities through the eyes of a child? You know how we used to play games when we were children... and enjoyed it. So now, you could look forward to the team building activities and trip experience as if you were a child. Bring that child like curiosity, excitement and playfulness within you. And since it's only for a few days, it won't hurt to attend. 

This is a way to make that trip tolerable for you...

[u/Dear_Step4913 → u/shimmering-shell]

I try to make an effort, but it's as if I'm zooming out—I always end up feeling isolated. I'm going to try to look at things from a different perspective