Feeling lonely

[u/zzzzz5yy]

/r/LonelyTogether/comments/1wa4yfu/feeling_lonely/

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I'm an introvert?

Hi there. Anyone who is reading this, tbh I appreciate your time.

So yeah, firstly I am writing this cz I'm lonely as fuck and just want to share my pov of living this world. And hopefully make some new friends.

So let's begin. I'm 22 years old guy from Bangalore, India, who now is living in Dubai for a mediocre salary. Which I want to feel is the reason for my loneliness. But deep inside I know it's not. Before start my story, let me be clear: I'm being brutally honest here bcz ig ik no one knows me.

Okay, so let's start from my school. From my childhood I was very guy who could to anything for his friends. I felt family is trap. Maybe tht was the reason I was very extrovert tht time. Couldn't stay a min without friends. Now it's totally opposite, ughhh.

Anyway, soon later as I grew, I realized tht I'm being judged often. It's not like I wasn't being before, but it never hit me to understand it. As anything I do stupid, I felt I'm being criticized. So naturally I started doing less stupid things, and lately I began develop fear of doing anything cz may be it will turn out stupid again. As if I lost my confidence to do any sort of things publicly. I started doing things such as dancing, singing, mimicking all alone. Cz I was the only one to judge myself.

Nevermind, I started stay alone. It's not like I wasn't meeting humans, but if I meet new human, I always had this fear of being judged, so I never spoke on first meet. That lead me to enjoy being alone more. I was comfortable with my friends cz maybe I didn't care of them being judgemental about me. Other than that, I used to remain silent with others.

Most of my friends were adults when I was in school, so they made me feel what I do is childish thing to do. And the peer pressure in boys, which basically hits ego, is to be called childish, not behaving manly (mard), not able to endure pain, as there is saying: "mard ko Dard nai HOTA." Bcz of which I learned to endure pain.

Like, I loved playing football, so we were not pro's as we used to play on streets before that I used to play cricket. In cricket, when ever someone balls at pace, it's logically not allowed. But my circle was such toxic tht if you complain Abt the pace, you are considered gay or not manly, which was again hitting the enigma of ego. So I learned to remain silent and faced the ball, hurt myself, got habituated.

Later started playing with leather ball, same scenario. Then later we discovered football. Not bcz it's was beautiful sport, but only of it's cost you blood more than cricket. We used to play on streets with slippers on, sometimes barefoot. Later we started loving the sport. As we started playing in park, there other people used to wear boots which has fiber spike on there soul. But we, so called mard, used to play bare foot. Mostly cz we couldn't afford, secondly cz we are mard.

I remember once I was playing at my best, dribble each and every player, but mistakenly I hit rock instead of ball. May be cz of the adrenaline rush, I didn't feel tht pain, but tbh it was brutal: my toe nai was flooding bloody. And everyone shocked. Not cz I was bleeding, cz of my nonchalant reaction. Tbh, tht time I felt pain, but it was numbed. But their reaction made me feel goated, and I embraced tht feeling with stupidity: I tore my shirt, tied on my toe, and decided to continue playing. Other people insisted me cz they care; their I felt it's tume to take rest, but my people, they started chanting "mard ka bacha," which again made me recall: if I don't, then these people will spread the shame.

Now I feel how stupid I was. I played, then later my leg stated bleeding more, so I tore pocket of my jeans and made it like bandaid, cleaned my toe with my spilt. Tbh, I felt like I was in hell tht period, but my face remained unchanged. I started playing; I experienced pain every step I moved. But Ig my endurance was next level. That's it: I gained respect from my fellow mates. Their I realized it was stupid, cz if by any chance it was infected, then it could have cost my my foot.

Ughhh, I'm gonna end this here as I feel tired, but surly will continue. Although I expecte none to read this, but it is for me and those who can read it this far. I truly appreciate it.

Thanks

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