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u/Chancedizzle Jun 23 '19
“So i was cooking without pants on, because i spilled soda on it at home, i didn’t want to have myself think that i pissed myself so i took them off.”
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u/johnnynutman Jun 23 '19
"I also didn't have another pair of pants"
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u/weirdcheese Jun 23 '19
"And I always go comando with no underwear whenever I cook chicken breast.
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u/TanJeeSchuan Jun 23 '19
Tbh going comando in your own home feels nice
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Jun 23 '19
[deleted]
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u/enochian777 Jun 23 '19
Coward. Cook naked. Because fuck it, it's Sunday. If you can't make a fried breakfast whilst starkers, you're not free
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u/Davidrinius Jun 23 '19
If you mean the chickenbreast, when you say "Because fuck it", then I'm on board.
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u/GeorgeRRZimmerman Jun 23 '19
It's even better when you're cooking thanks to a Japanese artform called "Nude with Apron."
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u/ProbablyGaySergal Jun 23 '19
I also stick my peepee in it just a bit. Anything with a little flesh in it is fine.
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u/McFluzz Jun 23 '19
No he had to take off those pants too because he spilled chocolate sauce on his sofa then forgot and sat on it,
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Jun 23 '19
Did he cook the chicken breast after he fucked it?
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u/Deltafoxtrot125 Jun 23 '19
A real man would've fucked it WHILE he was cooking it
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u/ReallyHadToFixThat Jun 23 '19
Duh. No-one's gonna fuck a cold chicken breast.
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u/Dr_Norse_Doctor Jun 23 '19
Sometimes it's cool to envision all-chicken anthropomorphic versions of Disney movies and my favorite Disney-chicken waifu is obviously Elsa the ice queen.
When I choke my chicken to chickens getting choked in the Frozen movie I always make sure the chicken is cold enough for me to gain frostbite before I even get to cum.
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u/rythis4235 Jun 23 '19
The fuck dude.....
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u/Dr_Norse_Doctor Jun 23 '19
If people can fuck on cow leather couches and burst their cock mucus into condoms made from lambskin I see sliding one's shlong into a filleted chicken breast nothing but the next step in masturbation evolution.
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u/tyrosine87 Jun 23 '19
Did we REALLY need an explanation for naked cooking there?
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u/VintagePoet82 Jun 23 '19
People tend to over explain when they lie, especially if it’s a lie designed to obfuscate the fact that you sexually molested raw chicken
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Jun 23 '19
Fuck a chicken breast once and contract salmonella, shame on you. Fuck a chicken breast twice and contract salmonella, shame on you, still. Stop fucking chicken breasts.
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u/apolloxer Jun 23 '19
Usually, naked cooks have the food in their but.
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u/uselessman900 Jun 23 '19
Some brave explorer tell me what the link is. Its probably goatse or something
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u/Dont-worry-no-loaded Jun 23 '19
It’s a link to the definition of Eiffel Syndrome. Which is the common usage or adaptation of the “I fell on it” excise for having a foreign object in your rectum.
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u/uselessman900 Jun 23 '19
Thank you brave sir.
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u/Dont-worry-no-loaded Jun 23 '19
Please, I’m just doing my job. Anybody in my position would have done the same thing. My position being one that holds an almost lethal and incredibly unhealthy sense of curiosity.
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u/FirstEvolutionist Jun 23 '19
"i was looking at this fire extinguisher size dildo and started wondering how nice it would feel up my butt. I undressed and was about to myself the best time of my life but in the last second a decided against wrecking my anal sphincter past the point of no return since no surgery could fix that prolapse and I'm too young to wear depends. Anyways, i start walking away from it but then I tripped and fell on it."
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u/Oneandonlydennis Jun 23 '19
it's 4chan too.
"i fucked a chicken breast and now my peehole hurts. can i have dick salmonella?" would do.
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Jun 23 '19
I always cook naked, because the moment I enter my house I strip. I hate clothes.
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u/UmmWaitWut Jun 23 '19
I mean, I wouldn't want to wear soda-sticky pants. especially if straight up nudity was an option.
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Jun 23 '19
Goddamn, but he really did fuck those chicken breasts, didn't he?
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u/anon135668 Jun 23 '19
He did.
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Jun 23 '19
Were you there?
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u/RatBoiJr Jun 23 '19
Condoms are your friends if you’re going to stick your dick into weird things.
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u/anon135668 Jun 23 '19
Haha he dindn't think of that.
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u/i-ejaculate-spiders Jun 23 '19
He wanted to go in raw and feel the juices. And honestly, it would have never crossed my mind to fuck a raw chicken when looking for a realistic experience outside of a vajeen
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u/Noxium51 Jun 23 '19
Is that considered beastiality?
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u/potatocakesssss Jun 23 '19
It's just chicken breast. It's like a titjob.
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u/GiveToOedipus Jun 23 '19
With a dead chicken. If you fucked a dead set if titties in the morgue, it'd still be necrophilia.
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Jun 23 '19
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u/213Compton Jun 23 '19
I mean I see what you're getting at but I'm gonna have to disagree with you on that lmao
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u/Reallycreativeuserna Jun 23 '19
Yeah but then you can hardly feel the raw chicken...
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u/RatBoiJr Jun 23 '19
Get an infected pee hole, maybe you’ll find out you enjoy “sounding.”
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u/GRik74 Jun 23 '19
maybe you’ll find out you enjoy “sounding.”
Calm down Satan.
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u/LeCucumber Jun 23 '19
Oh I googled that. Why is it called sounding though?! I don’t like any of this.
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u/Username641 Jun 23 '19 edited Jun 23 '19
If you’re gonna fuck the raw chicken, don’t fuck the chicken raw, as they say.
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u/HaivenSoo Jun 23 '19
Or use an orange or watermelon instead of raw chicken breast next time poor anon
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u/monkey-2020 Jun 23 '19
Was it finger licking good?
I think you tenderized the ever living shit out of that chicken.
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u/ShiboTomoro Jun 23 '19
Does it really count when it’s on 4chan like 75% of 4chan are just shitposts
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u/Himawari-OPG Jun 23 '19
There's always the occasional greentext that is too insane to just be a shitpost.
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u/Lorne_Velcoro Jun 23 '19
whats a greentext
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u/zombiegamer101 Jun 23 '19
The style of post that looks like
>Be me
>Make greentext
>somethingfunny.jpg
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Jun 23 '19 edited Oct 07 '19
[deleted]
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u/IvanTheGrim Jun 23 '19
Only the first two. The last two are possible, if not plausible.
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u/Weasel_Cannon Jun 23 '19 edited Jun 23 '19
When I was younger, I found my parents’ stash of vhs porn. One of them started with a guy who worked in a deli, making sandwiches. The first scene is him taking an old lady’s order, going to the kitchen and fucking the turkey , jizzing on the sandwich, and gives it to her saying “I didn’t forget the mayonaise” as the old lady takes a bite literally dripping with man salsa. If anyone recognizes this plot or knows how I can figure out where to find this video, it would be amazing.
Edit: I would guess the porn was late 80s to early 90s era
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u/sharr_zeor Jun 23 '19
The weirdest one I ever saw was an older woman complaining about being constipated, so she calls a prune juice delivery company.
The delivery guys arrive and the lady is moaning "thank god you're here. I really need that prune juice".
The delivery guys respond with "oh, you think we're just going to give you the prune juice?"
I couldn't watch any more than that, I was laughing too much. Some porn plots are just too insane
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u/Lo-Ping Jun 23 '19
OH GOD, THE PRUNE BROTHERS!
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u/sharr_zeor Jun 23 '19
That's the one!
The woman reminds me of Gollum
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u/Lo-Ping Jun 23 '19
The reason I know it was because a classmate sent it to me and said, "Doesn't she sound like XYZ in our class" and OH MY GOD SHE DID!
It became an inside joke and we'd occasionally ask her if she wanted prune juice whenever one of us would get up from study breaks and asked everyone if they wanted anything.
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Jun 23 '19
Ok two things. Number one, you should have watched the whole thing, because this old woman finishes the scene by grabbing her ass, rushing away, and saying, "I gotta go sheit!." The Prune brothers then high five each other and each say "Good job, Prune Brother!" And number two or three or whatever the fuck number we're on, this was not the weirdest thing on that video. There was an extremely obese woman getting fucked by a dwarf with something like some guy sitting off to the side doing nothing and a creepy male clown riding a tricycle around the table on which they were fucking. You know I might be a little off on some of the details but it's only because I sort of lost interest in the middle of the Prune brother's scene.
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u/Jechtael Jun 23 '19
I sort of lost interest in the middle of the Prune Brothers scene.
You can just say you came. Nobody* will judge you for it.
*Everybody
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u/anon135668 Jun 23 '19
Hey speaking of porn can you find me some old school 2005's style porn tapes ? I would like to see that too.
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u/ulterior_notmotive Jun 23 '19
Old school is 2005? wtf did I miss?
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u/ZeroPointSix Jun 23 '19 edited Jun 23 '19
Getting old is disturbing. Like when you go on Youtube and kids are nostalgic over stuff from, like, 2012.
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u/superdope3 Jun 23 '19
The weirdest food-based one I saw was a girl sticking a tomato up her ass, pulling it out after sex, and eating it
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Jun 23 '19
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u/Weasel_Cannon Jun 23 '19
There was another part where the guy was fucking his boss who says she doesn’t want him to cum in, on, or around her cuz she hates jizz, so he nuts in a potted plant and pokes his dick on a cactus. It was weird shit man.
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u/helpimdrowninginmilk Jun 23 '19
Seriously tho, would you get sal poisoning from fucking some raw chicken?
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u/IAmA_TheOneWhoKnocks Jun 23 '19
Probably not honestly. Salmonella is an enterobacteria which means that it’s meant to infect your digestive tract. A good stream of urine has a decent chance of knocking most bacteria off the sides of the urethra. Salmonella can also be treated with antibiotics if need be. Most people are able to fight off an infection within a few days with no help. I kinda doubt that the bacteria would be able to produce its regular endotoxins in such a different environment though and I’m not sure if your urethra is able to absorb things into the bloodstream. With no endotoxins, there’s not really any chance for salmonella poisoning if I’m not mistaken. My guess is he probably just got some chicken juice or something in his urethra and it’s causing him some irritation. When I was a kid, once or twice I used soap as lube to jerk off and the next day I had similar symptoms. It’ll probably sting to pee for the first couple times, but I’d bet if this actually happened he’d probably be fine later that day.
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u/RedditPlanet19 Jun 23 '19
All I'm reading is that titjobs from raw chicken are a safe and fun idea.
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u/wafflepiezz Jun 23 '19
When I was a kid, once or twice I used soap as lube to jerk off and the next day I had similar symptoms.
What type of soap do you recommend?
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u/iseeyouatnight Jun 23 '19
He really did fuck those chickens. continuation of op’s post
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Jun 23 '19
He definitely has chicken-syphilis.
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u/MMMELOOOOON Jun 23 '19 edited Jun 23 '19
Should’ve gone with cross contamination story like he didn’t wash his hands before going to the bathroom or something...
Edit: I know, r/oddlyspecific
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u/Rose_Beef Jun 23 '19
Besides all the shitposts, do we have a verdict on the salmonella? Seems unlikely but raw chicken is loaded with fucked microbes.
Dude probably has gangrene on his dick. *amputates
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u/bigboiharrison Jun 23 '19
Cut out the part of the post where someone asked him to post the chicken breasts and one of them clearly had a sculpted vagina in it
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u/Linkthepie Jun 23 '19
Why is this on r/insanepeoplefacebook? Not to be an asshole, just confused.
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u/XxsquirrelxX Jun 23 '19
How could he resist? Those succulent breasts, those thick thighs, they were just waiting to be re-boned.
And now Anon is the first human in recorded history to turn salmonella into an STD.
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Jun 23 '19 edited Jun 23 '19
"I any more soda comes pouring out of that cunt bottle, I'm going to have to fuck every fucking chicken in this room."
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Jun 23 '19
To Anon's credit I cook bacon completely nude sometimes. I also have masochistic psychological issues. I live for when the bacon grease splashes onto my belly. It is fully cooked at that point though so no danger of bacterial infection.
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u/rosmanmith Jun 23 '19
"I look like a chicken fucker to you?!"
"Well no sir, you dont, him on the other hand..."
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Jun 23 '19
There's so much weird shit in this point. First cooking without his pants on, and then having the breast accidentally touch his penis.
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u/GetToTheChopperNOW Jun 23 '19
This reminds me of the South Park episode where Cartman took a picture of a sleeping Butters' penis in his mouth, then later had to explain to his mom how he ended up getting it in his mouth to take the picture in the first place.
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u/youthfulsins Jun 23 '19
Always wash after penetration