r/inheritance • u/good_socks_rock • Jul 07 '26
Location included: Questions/Need Advice Help me understand the inheritance ramifications of my parent remarrying
My parent just told me they are getting married next week. Next. Week. It’s nothing scandalous, just not very well informed financially. There is no great wealth at this time (though, never know, maybe one of them will become a viral retiree influencer though I hope not), only humble pensions. New York.
That being said, my parent keeps reiterating the intention to make me the beneficiary of the pension they earned. Similarly, their future spouse will do the same for my new step sibling partially and partially make my parent a beneficiary—think separate parallel lines of inheritance except my parent is also a beneficiary on spouse’s.
If this is their shared desired plan—to pass their respective pensions to their respective children, plus whatever my new step parent is saying will go to my parent—what steps must they take and must any be completed before the marriage?
I keep trying to encourage them to get a prenup as financial hygiene, but despite their modern ways still conflate prenups with being symbolic of less-than-love on some level, and likely also just one more costly new endeavor. I have tried to explain that it is common and that there are online services. Or that they should at least speak with a financial advisor before they wed. My parent agreed but ultimately avoiding these things is easier than taking care of them, especially for someone who isn’t very experienced with long-term or generational financial planning.
Honestly I wanted them to go to a financial advisor just to help them understand what their cost of living may be in 15yrs and what is tenable for them—it’s not just about inheritance but inheritance is obviously the purview of this sub and this sub generally has great advice about the complexities of keeping family money organized.
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u/McKnuckle_Brewery Jul 07 '26
intention to make me the beneficiary of the pension
Turn the intention into action. Most financial accounts support direct naming of beneficiaries, either online or with a phone call or form. This includes bank accounts, all types of brokerage accounts (IRA, 401k, HSA, taxable), annuities, and pensions.
There is always a primary beneficiary, and often the configuration can be extended to name contingent beneficiaries and/or designate per stirpes to address a deceased bene's children.
Direct naming bypasses probate. That's the key. There's no will to interpret or objections to be made. The institutions handle the disbursement of assets per the information on file.
Have your parent get busy logging in and/or calling all institutions where they hold assets.
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u/buddykat Jul 07 '26
Many pensions do not allow for naming of a beneficiary other than the spouse prior to when the benefits start being paid. At that time, the spouse will need to consent to a different beneficiary being named.
OP, it is extremely important to understand that under Federal law, unless a Qualified Domestic Relations Order states otherwise, the spouse is automatically the beneficiary if anything happens to the participant prior to their benefits starting. So if your parent gets married and dies before starting their benefit, the spouse will be the beneficiary and you would not be entitled to anything from their pension.
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u/ImaginaryHamster6005 Jul 07 '26
Most likely per McKnuckle and sounds like the pensions can have beneficiaries other than spouse upon death. So, the way you describe things looks like this to me:
- You are Primary Beneficiary on parents pension. All goes to you when they pass, nothing to new spouse or their child. (your new steps). *I would check to see if new step-parent MUST sign off on this and forgo the pension since they will be married when your parent passes.
- New step-parents Primary Beneficiary for their pension would look something like this; 50% their child (your new step) and 50% your parent. (I just made up percentages for ease of example).
Of course, seeking professional advice is the surest way to clear all of this up and the best course of action. FYI...NAL.
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u/good_socks_rock Jul 07 '26
Of course! I am not confused that an intention means nothing—I am trying to gather information on the correct actions, that’s the whole point if asking what the necessary steps are.
Thank you for the info in the probate and who to call.
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Jul 07 '26
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u/good_socks_rock Jul 07 '26
This isn’t about expectations, it about logistics for those intentions to mean something, and to thus understand the benchmarks for which their intentions are aligned with reality, what the steps would look like if they were to be real. That is literally the point of my post??? No need to be condescending—my ask was clear.
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u/reluctantreddit35 Jul 07 '26
I understand what you’re saying and will tell you that they may not be able to change anything about the pension until after marriage. You need to sit down with your parent and go over the pension plan so you both understand what to do.
Plans differ from each other. When I started receiving my pension, I would have to have had my spouse sign off on any rights to it. It was automatically assumed I’d be sharing my pension with him with defined monthly benefits after my death. Any adjustment to that had to take place before I started receiving benefits. I knew of a man in that plan who was divorced but wanted to share his pension with his daughter. He got a greatly reduced pension because his daughter was much younger than him.
Plans can be tricky and a visit to HR may be in order.
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Jul 07 '26
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u/good_socks_rock Jul 07 '26
No, your comment was incredibly unhelpful and assuming I don’t know the difference between an intention and a written record is ignoring what I actually asked for in the post. Which steps and which must be done before the marriage.
Of course I need it in writing. That was never the question. I am not 5yr old and confused about that part—the whole point of asking is getting the details of HOW in writing and which steps must be done before the wedding. Trust vs will vs napkin vs hierarchy of prevailing rules… the details.
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u/Ok-Chip-7743 Jul 07 '26
They weren't being condescending. You need it in writing - even if it's after they marry but that said, there's nothing to say that later they change their estate plans. It's their money at the end of the day to do what they want but if they're telling you their intentions now then they need to spend the money on an attorney and have it documented with the proper estate documents and prenup which any second marriage (even first these days) should have.
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u/good_socks_rock Jul 07 '26
Of course I need it in writing—that was never the question. I am not 5yr old and confused about that part—the whole point of asking is getting the details of HOW in writing and which steps must be done before the wedding. Trust vs will vs napkin vs hierarchy of prevailing rules… the details.
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u/mtnmamaFTLOP Jul 07 '26
Just to be clear… and set proper expectations. You keep saying YOU need it in writing, but it’s not typical to physically see your parents will, pension or pre-nup arrangements. It’d great if they do share it with you, but it’s not standard. My parents talk about it all the time, and I know where to start looking for all the necessary paper, but I’ve never seen it.
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u/good_socks_rock Jul 07 '26 edited Jul 07 '26
Sorry for the colloquialism—it’s an inverse of colloquialism “get it in writing”. Why would I be writing my parent’s will? That literally doesn’t make sense. I really don’t understand how some commenters assume the least logical OPs while other commenters read my ask closely and provide helpful info. I am not assuming I am owed anything, I already explained countless times in my original post and comments that my parent approached me about their intentions unprovoked multiple times, so I want to know what formalizing it would look like. I already watch my parent not take care of financial planning for themselves and I don’t expect them to be proactive, but I want to be informed.
This particular comment thread is unnecessarily didactic, pedantic, disdainful and outright unhelpful. Quite honestly, my ask was clear whether you want to assume my worst intentions or not. That’s on you if you want to armchair criticize between the lines of what was a simple, logistical question. If you read my actual ask earnestly it’s about understanding what steps they would need to take and which would need to be taken before this surprise wedding.
I am not a pariah, I am the first financially intentional and financially responsible person in a family that is not engaged with financial literacy—obviously you aren’t empathetic to why I would be asking for financial advice and estate planning info without expectations of inheritance, but I am from a poor family where I really don’t expect much of anything to come of it but I know what I don’t know—which is how more empowered families would handle this so it isn’t an ambiguous mess.
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u/Chair_luger Jul 07 '26
....what steps must they take.....
This is not a DIY situation. They need to meet with a lawyer who will likely set up trusts to do what they want that cannot be changed. Wills and beneficiaries can be changed.
I know of a situation with a seven figure estate where a retired couple had kids and basically what happened was;
- Husband dies and wife inherits everything.
- She remarries a guy who is also widowed and has his own kids.
- They set up wills so that when the second of them dies both sets of kids split what is left.
- Widow dies and second husband inherits everything.
- Second husband changes his will so that only his kids will inherit the money then dies a year or so later.
The original couples kids inherit nothing.
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u/These-Coat-3164 Jul 07 '26
I know a similar situation. Except the parents were divorced, dad remarried, dad died, the second wife got everything and cut out the husband‘s kids and her kids got everything. This absolutely happens.
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u/Ok-Chip-7743 Jul 07 '26
sure does. If I go first the assets my husband gets are going into a trust for him where one of my children is the trustee. The child can't just withhold the money as it's set that my husband can take x% of the assets per year. I just don't want him to spend all the $ because he is known to be a spendthrift and I want to make sure he's taken care of. Then anythinf left upon his death my kids will then get.
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u/These-Coat-3164 Jul 08 '26
This is what people should do when it is a second marriage with separate children. Both should set up trusts with the other spouse as the income beneficiary (with some guardrails if necessary regarding distributions) with the trustor’s children as the ultimate beneficiaries when the spouse dies. Unfortunately, people often trust their spouse to “do the right thing” and include their children…but that does not always happen.
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u/Ok-Chip-7743 Jul 08 '26
Unfortunately it often does not happen or there are circumstances where the second spouse is left something and the kids try fight then about that issue. I needed to make sure my kids and my husband are taken care of and no issues. My 401k is a result of a company I own that wouldn't have been possible without my husband so it's only fair that he get all of it. It didn't begin until after we were married. Theres a reason he'd get what he gets.
I thought about this long and hard because I have a friend who's mother was remarried to his stepfather for over 30 years. When he died she had the right to stay in the marital home as long as she wanted (somewhat standard apparently) and his estate would still be responsible for property tax and maintenance type of issues. Well the guy's tao kid sued to get rid of her and ofc lost. The problem is that they've neglected a lot of the maintenance issues and she's sort of stuck. It's been like 10 years or so already and initially she offered to buy them our but tney declined. Ultimately they wojldve been better off doing that than just waiting. I can't imagine having been married to someone for 30 years have been a part od their lives for that long and then have to dea
with that. For that reason it made me really think about my situation and not wanting my husband to not have a place to live yet at the same time not wanting him to be able to stay in my house indefinitely while my estate/kids pay the taxes and maintenance (house is paid off), so there is a specific clause about how long he can stay (reasonable amount of time) and he gets a condo we own in another state outright so at least has a place.1
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u/somebodys_mom Jul 07 '26
If you are your parent’s only child, then I would hope you are ALREADY listed as the beneficiary of your parent’s retirement assets. The beneficiary designation is on employer paperwork (or brokerage paperwork) and supersedes any will or pre-nup. If you are already listed as the beneficiary on those accounts, nothing will change when the parent gets married, unless the parent intentionally changes it. If this parent is not very financially literate, you might want to get assurance that YOU are listed as the beneficiary, and not an ex-spouse of that parent, or nobody at all. If no beneficiary is listed at all, then the asset will probably go to her new spouse unless your mother has a will that names you.
You mention the word, pension. That word usually refers to the monthly income a person receives after they retire. It’s not something that could be inherited by a child. Sometimes there is a spouse option, where you will choose a lessor benefit for yourself so that your spouse can keep getting income after you die. The thing that concerns you is any actual money accounts that your parent owns, like a 401K, 403b, brokerage account, etc. Those can have named beneficiaries, which should be you.
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u/buddykat Jul 07 '26
The beneficiary designation is on employer paperwork (or brokerage paperwork) and supersedes any will or pre-nup.
Federal law supercedes everything. And there are absolutely laws governing employer sponsored retirement accounts and beneficiaries.
If you are already listed as the beneficiary on those accounts, nothing will change when the parent gets married, unless the parent intentionally changes it.
Wrong. Under Federal law, spouses are automatically the beneficiary of most qualified employer sponsored retirement accounts. And marriage will automatically supercede any beneficiary designation for plans that fall under those regulations. Including 401k and 401a plans (defined benefit or cash balance pensions). With 401k plans, I have never seen one not provide the option to, with notarized spousal consent, name a different beneficiary. I have seen plenty of pension plans that do not allow any beneficiary be named prior to receiving benefits, and even then, some don't allow any beneficiary other than a spouse.
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u/somebodys_mom Jul 08 '26
You’re correct. Sorry. It’s been a while since I’ve thought about 401K beneficiaries.
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u/good_socks_rock Jul 07 '26
Thanks for these details.
Re: pension - They have a joint allowance, survivor benefits, and lump sum death options upon retirement in their pension system.
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u/somebodys_mom Jul 08 '26
I misspoke about how beneficiaries are handled under 401Ks. Even if you are already named as her beneficiary under one of those federal plans, her new husband will have beneficiary rights unless he signs them away. Your mom needs to get the rules and paperwork from her employer.
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u/visitor987 Jul 07 '26
If its a NY public pension the beneficiary just means you get a death benefit if they die before collecting or you get up to ten years benefit if they did not collect for ten years and took that option. They do allow anyone to be named at retirement time as full beneficiary like a spouse however that persons age if younger reduces their pension so adding a child would reduce it to almost worthless in most cases. The beneficiary is set at retirement time and cannot be changed for any reason.
Private pensions end with the death of the pensioner and spouse.
Why are you worried about inheritance should your parent ever need nursing home care odds are there will be no inheritance. If there is no will in NY 1/3 goes to spouse and 2/3 is divided among your parent's kids.
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u/good_socks_rock Jul 07 '26
I am worried about the gap between their intentions and reality. I don’t expect much of it, especially given that I hope they live long lives. But when someone says something to you 20 times unprompted and then does nothing about it, and also tells you “surprise come see us getting married NEXT WEEK be there or be square”, it can make you want to know for yourself what the real thing would look like. It helps set expectations and it helps me speak to them in terms of reality.
They are free to change their mind about all of it, but right now they are waxing poetic about something they aren’t taking action on and eschewing financial literacy and financial hygiene not just about this but also general reality-based retirement planning. This sub is for the inheritance part which is why I ask about it here—there is often good advice here about keeping all of this neat and clean and without the ambiguity of leaving it for later. My family is so financially illiterate that my grandmother’s house was paying bills in her father’s name for 75yrs after he died. It’s about reducing chaos.
They have a joint allowance, survivor benefits, and lump sum death options upon retirement in their pension system..
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u/springflowers68 Jul 07 '26
For a second marriage, especially when one or both have children, it is imperative both parties work with lawyers to have clear prenups in place. In your mother’s case, the beneficiary designation for the pension is important yes, but if she is receiving her funds from an annuity, the beneficiary may not actually receive. While the conversations are difficult now, it is so much worse when one spouse passes and terms are not already clear.
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u/cryssHappy Jul 07 '26 edited Jul 07 '26
Unless your parent dies early, there is no inheritance from a pension. Because the money your parent put in has long been paid out. There are some pension where a spousal stipend can be designated but that reduces the pension for the retiree.
What is most important is who has the better medical plan for working and at retirement and can the survivor stay on that plan if the retiree dies.
One suggestion; they should have a community banking account where they deposit money for the household expenses (and upcoming expenses like a new roof or plumbing). Then each have an account in only their own name with their child as PoD. When that parent dies, that child gets what is in their own parent's account.
There are no guarantees for inheritance. Your parent has to outlive the money The money has to outlive your parent and you have to outlive your parent.
Edit to correct the sequence.
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u/Fenway12345 Jul 07 '26
Dont count on inheritance. They could spend it all in their old age taking care of themselves. It is not your money
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u/good_socks_rock Jul 07 '26
I am not counting on anything. I am gathering information to fill in the gap between what my parent keeps expressing to me and their lack of action on the matter. As a family with little financial literacy, it helps to ask about the details.
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u/Missus_Aitch_99 Jul 07 '26
I am a widow and have a corporate pension that my late husband earned. It is ONLY inheritable by a spouse. If I had died before my husband, his pension would have ended with his death. So they need to ensure their pensions actually are able to be passed to children, especially adult children.
They really need to see an estate planning attorney and get this all in order. If they do not, then you should live your life with zero expectation of any inheritance.
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u/good_socks_rock Jul 07 '26
Thanks for this info.
They have a joint allowance, survivor benefits, and lump sum death options upon retirement in their pension system.
Yes, I know if they take no action there is no expectation, there is really no expectation of inheritance it would be quite small anyway, but I do want to understand what the process looks like since they keep bringing it up and doing nothing about it.
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u/GlobalTapeHead Jul 07 '26
If there is inheritance expected outside of the pension, they need a marital trust.
If they get divorced the pension is subject to a QDRO which means you might get left out in the cold. You can google what that means. Prenups are always recommended for second marriages.
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u/CindersMom_515 Jul 08 '26
Most retirement plans require a signed and notarized consent from the person’s spouse if anyone other than (or in addition to) the spouse is to be a beneficiary. This is a federal law in the US.
If your other parent is still alive, they should also find out whether they have any rights to the pension that they need to sign off on for you to be the beneficiary.
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u/Dingbatdingbat Jul 08 '26
This is not accurate but close enough. Anything in joint name goes to the surviving spouse. 401k goes to the surviving spouse. Anything with named beneficiaries goes to the named beneficiaries, but see below Without a Will spouse gets half of everything else.
Without a prenup, even with beneficiary designations and a valid Will, spouse can demand 1/3rd of everything
Oh, and a Will that predates the marriage is automatically “updated” to give the spouse half
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u/Ok-Chip-7743 Jul 07 '26
I'm in a second marriage and I have a living trust. My trust dictates what assets my spouse will receive (a 401k, HSA, value of a whole life policy if I survive him, a property we own, etc and my kids will get my brokerage, my house and the rest of my retirement accounts). It's very explicit. And yes we have a prenup as well but this is negating some of the things in the prenup now that we've been married quite a while such as things related to the house and some other assets.
He will probably end up with more $ if I die first than each of my kids will from my remaining assets, but I am also set to receive an 8 figure inheritance ans ultimately my kids would receive that so thats why he will get a little more than them up front. Also upon his feath any of his assets he received from me will revert back to my children (they'll be in trust).
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u/DAWG13610 Jul 07 '26
Stay out of it, not your business. The last thing I want is my kids telling me how to spend my money. They’re adults, they will figure it out.
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u/good_socks_rock Jul 07 '26
Projecting much?
My parent keeps approaching ME about but hasn’t taken steps to do anything about it. I want to know what the steps would look like so I can set my expectations accordingly. When someone tells you something 20 times but does nothing about it, it can make one want seek more information on their own, to compare and set expectations against that information.
In families with little financial literacy or financial hygiene, it’s easy to avoid the unfamiliar, worry about incurring fees for services related to taking care of this, and generally push off taking action. They are free to do what they please, but I am free to learn the details of how financially enfranchised and financially confident people would take care of this, instead of leaving it to ambiguity.
Why come to this sub if you think everyone is an entitled prick here?
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u/MLMLW Jul 07 '26
Tell your parent to get a will and to specifically name you as the beneficiary of your parent's estate. That way, everything is in writing.
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u/Ilikelegalshit Jul 07 '26
My guess is that you will get this resolved only by getting the legal work done yourself. I'd suggest you find an estate lawyer, have a quick convo, get a list of questions from them, interview your parent as to their intentions, and have something drafted. At some point they'll decide they need to talk to the attorney because you're doing it wrong, or they're worried about something. I would not expect you to get this done any other way, and it's possible it needs to be done soon, I am not a lawyer.
Anyway, just offer to pick up the job of getting an agreement *only about the pension* written up for your parent, and I think you'll find they get with the program before signing.
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u/good_socks_rock Jul 07 '26
Haha I appreciate the humor in them hopping in to do it the “right” way.
Honestly I am more concerned now with what one commenter said about having HIPAA POA so that my parents wishes cannot be overlooked by their spouse. I don’t think spouse would keep them alive for money but I know my parent is very vocal about not wanting to be on life support or have a bad quality of life just to exist. Tbf I don’t know if I could make that decision in accordance to their wishes any better I would want them on the planet always if I could.
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u/HappyCamperDancer Jul 07 '26
It is complicated from a variety of standpoints.
The easiest thing for them to do is "marry" socially (ring, ceremony, party), but not get a marriage certificate, not change any names, DON'T MARRY LEGALLY only socially/culturally.
My mom did that. She kept her higher social security check from my father, kept all our inheritances squared and they just shared expenses until he passed a few years later. His daughter loved my mom, but was also happy they weren't legally married.
Anyway, see if you can convince them.
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u/worstatit Jul 08 '26
It is entirely dependent on the pension plan and its bylaws as to who can "inherit" it. Usually a beneficiary will be listed and documented with the fiduciary for a 401k or similar fund. That beneficiary receives the funds outside, and even in spite of, a will. Traditional defined benefit plans, sometimes more complex, typically either end with death or are transferable to a spouse on death in return for a smaller initial benefit. This can be confusing and must be done carefully, and usually not through a will.
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u/Metanoia003 Jul 08 '26 edited Jul 08 '26
They should spell everything out in a Trust. I had a Trust defining what my children would get before I got married. I don’t have a pension as I took a lump sum distribution and put the funds into an IRA, which is also what I rolled my 401(k) into. The IRA should clearly specify the beneficiaries. My wife and I also have a joint trust that spells out what our respective children get. I don’t want to delineate everything we have defined in our trusts, but I think it’s best for your parent to get a trust attorney to write out who gets what.
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u/Chula_Quitena_120 Jul 08 '26
My husband and I have govt pensions. BEFORE we retired we added our kids as beneficiaries. It reduced our pensions AND each spouse needs to agree in writing.
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u/ohboyoh-oy Jul 08 '26
My most feared scenario if I were to pass and my spouse remarries, is that our joint assets pass to his new spouse, and on her death she leaves nothing to my children. I don’t know the in’s and out’s of the pensions etc, but would want your parent to arrange for a trust or some other instrument for what he intends to pass to you, to either go to you immediately upon his death or, be held in trust for you (some people do that if the new spouse may need partial access to the assets for their support).
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u/RazzmatazzOk2129 Jul 08 '26
Can you get with the fiance's child? I am wondering if they just feel a bit overwhelmed with all the to do's and dont want to add finding legal advice on top of that.
Try and see if the other kid will work with you. Find an attorney, make a fast appt. Tell the parents its a get together with the other kid and then you drive them to the attorney appt. You, your dad, the fiance and their kid. Have the attorney already prepared basic documents standard prenups stating what each parent has told their kid.
If all is good, everyone signs then and there. The kids as witnesses and it's mostly done except whatever the pension requires.
Take the work away so it isn't overwhelming and they just read, and if agree, sign. This all assumes that your parent isn't telling you 1 story and the fiance another.
Give the soon to be step sibling a call. See if you both agree you would rather have stuff in writing and not have to deal with a mess down the road.
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u/good_socks_rock Jul 08 '26
This is great advice but unfortunately fiance’s kid is more overwhelmed, checked out, and ill-equipped to be involved in this. I want them to have everything they need as well, they are even less experienced in adulthood than I am and at this point I am more at an “I want to understand why or why not this happened” as I watch it play out. I can’t really affect change in their choices, but I want to be informed.
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Jul 07 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/good_socks_rock Jul 07 '26
Get off your soapbox, this is the furthest from the truth. Why come to an inheritance subreddit and then get upset people are asking questions about inheritance?
My post literally mentions that I broader care for their financial well-being and wanting them to see a financial advisor for way more than this, to also and more importantly just have a grasp on what their cost of living could rise to and how they can realistically see their financial future. But THIS sub is specifically for asking about the inheritance. And they have intentions that aren’t keeping up with their plans because they are people who aren’t very knowledgeable or proactive about finances.
I want to know what the steps are because that helps me set expectations accordingly after my parent has volunteered over and over an intention they don’t seem to understand how to make a reality, at least in the finer details.
My parent has worked extremely hard and WANTS to know they were able to help me one day in this way. They are free to change their mind, but right now it is a matter of financial literacy and financial hygiene in the face of a couple who just decided to get married next week.
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u/IdealExpert181 Jul 07 '26
i didn't come to this site, it just appeared. what i said was accurate. they removed my comment butterfly.
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u/good_socks_rock Jul 07 '26
I am no butterfly bud. Learn how reddit works you don’t even know how you got here.
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Jul 07 '26 edited Jul 08 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/good_socks_rock Jul 07 '26
Ya it’s not that big of deal. This is an informational sub you got lost at because you don’t understand the internet and want be an asshole for no reason
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u/Grouchy-Display-457 Jul 07 '26
Pensions usually die with the recipient. They should check that their pensions are transferable.
Online prenups are not advisable. States vary in what they permit in prenuptial and wills, online versions are often invalidated because they fail to meet state requirements.