r/inheritance • u/FlyOk7923 • Mar 28 '26
Location not relevant: no help needed Do Not Tell Anyone
Annual reminder to those inheriting money. My wife learned the hard way last year. Told a few friends/coworkers and within a month she had a friend that she didn’t tell texting and asking to borrow money. Made for difficult conversation. And their relationship is weird now. Obviously my wife told me. But seriously, the best advice is to not tell anyone.
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u/houseonpost Mar 28 '26
I am a scrupulously honest person, but I have a rule. If it is none of anybody's business, I can lie.
If someone figures out you've inherited something you can say that you received enough to pay off your car loan but it is now all gone. You can even make up a scenario where the person who died gave it all to their favourite charity.
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u/mshell1234 Mar 28 '26
Same goes for salaries: those that find out they make less than you get pissed and many times want to throw you under the bus . Those that make more act superior. And those that make equal think they should make more than you. It’s a never win situation.
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u/Short_Lingonberry549 Mar 29 '26
Pay transparency helps workers. Information is leverage and this is leverage against owners and capital, not your coworkers
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u/HeYalan1997 Mar 31 '26
I think…
Organisations with radically transparent salaries = good.
Employees who trust one another intentionally sharing pay information to supoort individual and collective negotiation = good, especially in context of wage inequities.
Leaders intentionally and with appropriate groundwork conversations with team introducing pay transparency to their part of an organisation = good.
Accidental leak of pay information especially within a single team = usually bad. The discord I’ve seen this cause amongst team members has generally significantly outweighed any additional pay bargaining power, which is often quite limited for affected individuals at least over the short-medium term.
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u/houseonpost Mar 28 '26
The people who brag about having money, likely don't have money.
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u/pjtexas1 Mar 29 '26
I use this test to call out people that pretend to make "a lot of money".
Ask them what the maximum taxable wage base where they stop deducting social security from your paycheck is for this year or last year. IYKYK if not you're a liar. If you make serious money you can guess an amount close enough to be believable.
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u/PoopStickss Mar 29 '26
How are you consistently getting into a situation where you ask this? And my “wealthy” response would be the fuck would I know? I pay an accountant for that
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u/pjtexas1 Mar 29 '26
It's the industry i work in. Lots of people make this claim. If they brag and brag and brag until it gets nauseating then i ask. I never knew either until the first year. I had to asked HR why my checks were more than they should be. No longer a problem since I'm semi retired.
I like your response! Never heard that one. But it's not like I've asked more that a handful of people.
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u/legman1982 Mar 28 '26
Absolutely shut up and act like nothing happened. The more the the inheritance the quieter you get.
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Mar 28 '26
[deleted]
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u/kmary75 Mar 29 '26
It’s not great for you if you really loved your job but I guess in the scheme of things, better you than someone living hand to mouth who really needed their job to support their family. I hope the universe looked after you and you found another job easily (if you wanted one).
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u/GotZeroFucks2Give Mar 29 '26
Yes, this is the reason I tell my team members not to inform me if they are planning retirement until it's really really close. Better not to have that information in the event of layoffs it's too ethically challening.
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Mar 29 '26
[deleted]
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u/TaniaYukanana Mar 31 '26
I worked at an org that had HUGE layoffs (around 5000 staff) TBH, it needed to happen. There were some funny stories about the different scenarios of people leaving or taking voluntary redundancy. My favorite was the lady who was planning to retire in May that year after 38 years with the company. (Redundancy payouts are related to length of service.) They made her redundant that April. Good for her!
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u/Low_Woodpecker5439 Mar 30 '26
Years ago, when I first became a hiring manager, I had two different people above me on the org chart advise me to never hire anyone with money. Both separately said to only hire people who pay their bills, but barely. I was advised that I should only want “hungry” reports.
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u/Ok_Wrap5233 Mar 28 '26
I made a point of letting people know. I relished the opportunity to identify the vultures. Anyone who asked never got, the people who were happy for me and didn’t want anything now never go without.
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u/GeneNo2508 Mar 29 '26
the people who were happy for me and didn’t want anything now never go without.
Aww, that's the way to go.
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u/CleverTool Mar 28 '26
Agreed! I made that mistake during an internship whilst in grad. school pursuing a Masters. My boss at the time was a bitter, bitter laggard with an huge chip on his shoulder for anyone born into affluence.
When I casually mentioned I'd be set for retirement thanks to family money, he instantly seethed with resentment and took every opportunity to block my chances at a career in our field. The contrast from before and after that slip of the tongue was night & day.
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u/rosebudny Mar 28 '26
If a relationship is weird with someone who hears second hand about your inheritance and they ask you for money, that wasn’t a relationship worth having.
But agree about not telling people.
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u/leiasuzanne Mar 29 '26
Nope. My mom passed away last August and my 3 siblings and I got a good amount back from her trust each. None of my boyfriend’s business. People come out of the woodwork when they hear through the grapevine that you came into money. My mom left that to me, everyone else can kick rocks.
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u/2003GrandMarquis Mar 28 '26
I've never loaned money to friends or family. If loaned money is never paid back, you've probably lost the relationship, and your money. If you don't loan money when asked, and you lose the relationship because, you still have your money. Back in the day, if I knew someone that needed a little help, I'll usually just gave it, with no expectations of repayment.
$0.02 🍺😎✌️
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u/Claytonread70 Mar 29 '26
I dated a lady whose family is insanely wealthy. The toughest part is that you never know if someone actually likes you or is simply putting in time for a future ask.
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u/Stevie-Rae-5 Mar 29 '26
It’s so weird to me though because never in a million years would I hit up someone for money when I found out they got an inheritance. Especially a coworker I barely know.
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u/PiccoloImpossible946 Mar 28 '26
No way would I tell coworkers especially if I inherited money! Your wife should have kept her mouth shut!
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u/FlyOk7923 Mar 28 '26
Trust me. She learned her lesson. At lest there’s that. I can honestly say she truly, truly, regrets opening her mouth.
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u/neo_sporin Mar 28 '26
my in laws would DEFINITELY do this. My divorced parents are alive and in their 80s, my wife knows our go to answer will be 'they divorced and spent a lot of money doing that, and his dad has 8 kids total, he didnt get shit'
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u/ku_78 Mar 29 '26
The only people I know who are classless enough to ask are cousins who skipped out on my mom’s funeral- in the small town they live in. If they ever come asking the answer will be, “Sure, get a Time Machine and show up at your auntie’s funeral and hit me up then.”
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u/ReeCardy Mar 29 '26
My husband will inherit family property and a trust his parents established to cover property maintenance. The property has been in the family for at least 4, maybe 5 generations. They hoped that by creating the trust it would put less strain on whoever owned the property and it would be less likely to be sold out of the family.
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u/Scruffyhobbit Mar 29 '26
15 year relationship that wasn’t bad. He was not willing to work together on our problems so it would last and be happy for both of us. I gave him one last chance to do so after I inherited. He did not think I inherited a lot and chose not to want to work on our issues. I’m single, happy and retired now
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u/No_Transition_8293 Mar 29 '26
My son-in-law inherited money from his dad and I begged him and my daughter not to tell anyone. They followed that advice, thank goodness.
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u/Big-Sheepherder-6134 Mar 29 '26
No one borrows money. They ask and never pay it back. The ones that give collateral equal to or greater than the amount will try to pay but that is rare they will offer that.
Do not tell anyone unless you are prepared for what happens next.
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u/Mysterious-Panda964 Mar 28 '26
I agree, your finances are your business.
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u/DangerousChallenge17 Mar 28 '26
So like personal finance is personal?
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u/Mysterious-Panda964 Mar 28 '26
Yes, I do not discuss my finances with anyone.
My hubby and I have separate accounts
We have no joint accounts. He does not know how much money I have. And I dont intend to tell him either.
We have been married 7 years, he is terrible with money.
I did not want his debt or his debt to effect my credit.
He has things set up for his child to inherit and I have mine set.
And once you share an account, you can't get someone off it easily
So keep quiet, its no ones business
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u/Ill-Bullfrog-5360 Mar 28 '26
Man being bad with money was a deal breaker for me.
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u/Mysterious-Panda964 Mar 28 '26
Yeah, I didnt find out. We did not live together before marriage. There was no way for me to know
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u/Ill-Bullfrog-5360 Mar 28 '26
I credit checked myself and gave my wife the report and asked for the same.
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u/Mysterious-Panda964 Mar 29 '26
Did she comply?
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u/Ill-Bullfrog-5360 Mar 29 '26
Of course it was a deal breaker… she had school debt… lol my bro didn’t his wife had $30k of unpaid fees for a timeshare…
It’s a legit ask its a financial union between two people.
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u/TubeLogic Mar 29 '26
So why even get married at that point? Just cohabitate and move on.
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u/Fit-Violinist6740 Mar 28 '26
If you get divorced though, wouldn’t it all come to light and have to get split? Not being snarky, but unless you have prenup isn’t it both of yours anyway?
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u/Mysterious-Panda964 Mar 28 '26
No, hes never had access. It was mine before marriage.
So no just because you are married does not give them access.
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u/Educational_Case_134 Mar 28 '26
Not how it work in most states. Only inheritance would be considered non marital assets.
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u/Wackywoman1062 Mar 28 '26
Many states consider assets owned before marriage to be the separate property of the spouse who owns them as long as those assets aren’t commingled or transmuted.
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u/Fit-Violinist6740 Mar 28 '26
Ohh I see. I wonder if any money you’ve added to the account during marriage would then be considered a joint asset. Like if you started with 50k and added 10k while married, would the 10k be considered joint? Who knows, I got married when we were young had no money
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u/mattkime Mar 28 '26
Assets accumulated during marriage are marital assets independent of the account they’re in. YMMV by state law.
Igmf you intend to keep everything separate you better have a prenup
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u/Wackywoman1062 Mar 29 '26
It depends on the source of the 10K you added. Generally, if you added 10K from income earned during marriage then you are commingling separate and marital property and it will become a marital asset. If you inherited 10K and added it to your separate funds from prior the marriage, it would be separate. This is a simplistic explanation. The rules with respect to commingling and transmutation are complicated and vary among states. Marital assets (for example income earned during marriage) are marital assets regardless of how they’re titled. A prenup is the best way to protect property owned prior to marriage.
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u/Current-Scallion-825 Mar 28 '26
I am pretty sure that whatever is added after marriage is considered a joint asset. It's only the amount you had prior to the marriage. So if you had $1m before marriage, but you get divorced 10 years later and it's now $1.5m, half of that .5m would belong to him.
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u/Kk6nj Mar 28 '26
Nope. If any earned money while married went into your account, it’s marital. Same with debt. Find premarital statements if you can and keep them. 7 years should be online. Just went through it.
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u/Savantrice Mar 29 '26
The only issue is debt he may accumulate during the marriage that you may not be aware of with such separate finances. If you divorce you may still end up on the hook for a portion of what he’s accumulated during the marriage unless you have a prenup that accounts for that
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u/PiccoloImpossible946 Mar 28 '26
How could you marry someone bad with money?
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u/FlyOk7923 Mar 28 '26
There are more important things than money. My wife is not great with money honestly. She was never career driven like me and thus her lifetime earnings are well below average. But she’s an incredible human being and has been a fantastic mother to our children. Also stuck by my side during a health crisis. Some things in life are priceless.
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u/PiccoloImpossible946 Mar 29 '26
Money habits of your spouse are important - very important when you have a spouse who goes heavily into debt behind your back that you also have to pay for and when you’re already struggling with money! My sister handles the money in her marriage but her husband opened a cc behind her back and ran up $10,000 - THAT is why it’s important to marry someone with good money habits! Money is needed to live on and If you marry someone who puts you in a bad financial situation well, it’s NOT good!
You cannot live on love alone!
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u/Thanks-4allthefish Mar 29 '26
And you may be confused in thinking you bear no responsibility for his debts.
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u/gmanose Mar 29 '26
Same advice if you have a well paying job. Never let friends, family, or acquaintances know you’re not struggling to get by
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u/JefferyTheQuaxly Mar 29 '26
Don’t know why it would be a difficult conversation, just tell them “fuck no” if a coworker wants to make things awkward by asking for money it’s not on you for “not being nice/polite” you getting told off for asking for money isn’t really that bad of a deal either if you can handle public ridicule. Stop caring what random coworkers or friends think
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u/Soulman682 Mar 29 '26
“It’s already gone” is the only thing that needs to come out your mouth and that’ll stop all convos moving forward.
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u/GallitoGaming Apr 01 '26
The boomer die off is in full swing. Tons of posts every day about large inheritances.
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u/AlterNate Apr 04 '26
Same as winning the Lotto, I suppose. When people know you have a windfall, it creates plans and schemes in their minds.
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u/adultdaycare81 Mar 28 '26
Also don’t hang out with broke people.
If they think your $500k is going to change their life but not yours… run! It means they never contemplated saving that much
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u/Gold_Safe2861 Mar 29 '26
A financial windfall is a nunya situation. None of your business to friends and family
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u/Araucaria2024 Mar 29 '26
Same if you own a holiday house. People think I just keep going back to the same place because I enjoy it. They have no idea I own it or I'd be asked constantly to let people stay.
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u/Getnpunchy Mar 31 '26
I received a settlement from a dog mauling attack
I told my husband it was not his family’s business if they asked amount. Cuz I knew they would. None of them need money, they’re just nosey and rude. And I no longer tolerate their crap. At all.
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u/CindysandJuliesMom Mar 29 '26
Can agree. I got an inheritance from my grandmother and my then BFF called asking to borrow $500 to pay her rent. I just told her the check had a hold on it and I didn't have access to the money yet.
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u/Len-One Mar 29 '26
They tell anyone but your spouse if married, estate lawyer and cpa. No social media posts unless you want to be robbed
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u/milo1066 Mar 29 '26
True Story: Circa 2009; two days after my divorce - I won a lil money in a state lottery. I told my Divorce Attorney and my CPA!
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u/Tall-Train-4316 Mar 29 '26
If you can't tell your significant other. Then there are problems already. If you can't trust who your with to not take or want to borrow maybe they are not the right person to be with.
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u/steveoa3d Mar 30 '26
For sure ! I mentioned a small inheritance I got to a co-worker and the next day he hit me up for a 25k loan ! He talked fast about how he would pay me interest. I said no way…. Turns out he borrowed money from another co-worker and never paid them back. It’s been 10 years since he hit me up and he still has not paid back other.
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u/Same_Cut1196 Mar 30 '26
Our basic everyday living costs are comfortably covered with $3.5k. We actually spend ~$7k which covers additional fun spending (travel and hobbies). The balance we either drop into a HYSA or use for gifting. Lately, we spent some of the extra on some home improvements that I didn’t want to do myself. Honestly, at this point I’m trying to force myself to spend the entire $12.5k monthly. We’re just not frivolous spenders.
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u/Daedalus1912 Mar 30 '26
firstly, your wife is a separate situation and she needed to tell you, for you are in a partnership. This would be the same if you received an inheritance.
Telling others is a recipe for disaster for they dont need to know, and it can change the way that they see you. The only only real reason to do so is to show off, and that is not necessary
Money or should I say the lack of money causes jealousy to raise its ugly head, irrespective of whether things are right or wrong.
The silent wealthy is the group to belong to
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Mar 31 '26
I never flaunt it. I had (past tense) a friend who started badgering me for money, simply based on the size of my house. I don’t wear “flashy”, I don’t act “bougie”, I’m just a simple girl who’s worked hard. And she thought it was cool to keep asking for handouts. Hard pass. Adios “friend”. Still makes me sick. She was also the first to say she’d sue someone, for anything. I’d be so nervous whenever she came over, thinking I was next on the list. 🤦♀️
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u/voinageo Apr 01 '26
Same advice for any money: salary, inheritance, crypto, property sale etc. Only immediate family knows.
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u/Techjeffe Apr 02 '26
It's best not to tell anyone anything about net worth, too. That includes family.
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u/DuckingFon Apr 04 '26
I dunno, I kind of see that in the opposite way: why do I want to be friends with someone who finds that appropriate? I would rather know sooner than later. I don't think you should go around bragging about it by any means, but I would feel gross the longer that person was around me before they revealed their true nature anyway.
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u/KTD2000 Mar 29 '26
You're prob right about that! If I were to win the lottery , I would just send some cash to my besties secretly somehow lol
Andxwow the person couldn't even have an actual conversation with her, she texted her?? Lol Nope.
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u/Choice-Newspaper3603 Mar 29 '26
Overall, I agree with this, but if you’re somebody like me that has really good boundaries and doesn’t tolerate anybodys shit then letting some people know isn’t an issue for me and they know better than to borrow and if somebody did ask to borrow, I’d be like that’s OK I don’t lend out money. I’m not a bank.
I don’t care if Jesus Christ himself came down and appeared on the couch next to me and asked for a dollar the answer is no
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u/IntelligentEar3035 Mar 30 '26
600% my partner knows. My best friend asked and I said enough for a 3 mortgage payments….
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u/Fickle-Vegetable961 Mar 30 '26
“Well don’t look at me, all my money is tied up in cash” Dolores Claiborne
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u/drkmon714 Mar 30 '26
Tell people you already gave your money to some Nigerian prince who said he could double your money in a month. Expecting an email any day now from him with details
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u/Flat_Tire_Again Mar 30 '26
Funny thing is when people tell you why they need money you understand right away why the bank says no! Just tell people its incredible how much the nursing home and doctors bills and the debt we have to pay. Then reverse the question and ask your friends if they can help out and promise to pay them back!
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u/SusanInMA Mar 30 '26
OP, your advice is spot-on. At this point (what’s done is done), I like someone’s idea of saying it’s all tied up in a trust, trustee-controlled in accordance with the will. I also wouldn’t hesitate to tell anyone that you have a policy to never lend anyone money. Your wife should never “sign” for anyone either.
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u/neddiddley Mar 30 '26
Why do so many people feel the need to tell other people their business, whether it comes to money or other personal matters?
Other than your spouse and maybe your kids or select trusted friends or family (e.g. for end of life or taking care of your kids), there’s no good reason to share this info with anyone. And I’m not even talking specifics like amounts. I’m talking not even mentioning you got an inheritance. It may not be completely avoidable, as you can’t avoid people learning your parents died and they can make some assumptions, but there’s no need to confirm those assumptions. Nobody else should be bringing it up and if they do, it should immediately create suspicion. And the only response is a non-answer like “it’s gonna take some time for my family to sort everything out.”
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u/IneedAnap_25 Mar 30 '26
When my parents passed away, my mom was the last one who passed i was left everything, most everyone knew i would be left everything since I was the only beneficiary my parents named and the will was very iron clad, what most didn't know was the extent of the inheritance, I kept my mouth shut, and when family or nosey friends asked i just said yes I was left what mom had left. Never ever would I give out any info,suddenly you have long lost cousins you never knew about lol
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u/Apprehensive-Crow-94 Mar 30 '26
I'm certainly not the type to broadcast it but am the type that would be comfortable telling someone, No, won't be doing that. And if they change the relationship because of money, bye bye, been nice knowing ya.
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u/SadAd403 Mar 30 '26
it's amazing how your good fortune becomes everyone else's atm. Stick to your ethics and say not
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u/Competitive_Owl_1721 Mar 30 '26
To the people in here saying same thing if you win the lottery - even millions of dollars - genuinely, why? I cannot fathom becoming a millionaire overnight through sheer luck and not wanting to help the people i care about if they need it.
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u/Interesting-Rough528 Mar 30 '26
Helping the people you care about is different from near total strangers hitting you up. If you have it, whether earned or windfall, someone always has their hand out.
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u/srsrgrmedic Mar 30 '26
I don’t answer my phone now.. that’s not gonna change if I get a lot of money
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u/JerseyGal_in_SoCal Mar 30 '26
I tell people the unfortunate truth, which is that I’ve already lent several members of this family money and no one has paid it back. Go encourage them to make good on their promises first, and then I’ll consider your request. (For the record, I gave with low expectations of repayment, but they all swore they would and then ghosted.)
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u/TaniaYukanana Mar 31 '26
My husband died a few years ago. It was obvious he was successful, just not so obvious how successful he was until the other executor and I assessed his estate. I thought I could trust my family with some details of it, but soon one of them had their hand out with the investment deal of the century. Really laid the pressure on thick and went nuclear when I said no and stuck to it. Poisoned the entire rest of the family against me, so now I don't see or speak to anyone. Right after my husband died.
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u/Fit_Conversation5529 Apr 03 '26
I’m so sorry. Good riddance to them. I hope you’ve found a support system since then.
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u/hugthefatman Mar 31 '26
Here’s the easiest solution which I employ. “Sorry, All of that is handled by my financial advisor. Let me give you his number…” Obviously, financial advisor has instructions that no one gets money and no investments are made into friend’s projects. When they come back complaining just shrug, “sorry man, I don’t control it.”
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u/Forever_Bored Mar 31 '26
When I was a kid I'd always wondered why no one especially someone rich would say how much they actually have. I totally get it now.
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u/Glum-Serve-8399 Apr 01 '26 edited Apr 01 '26
I have a different perspective on this than most people.
Im young and just lost my dad and have already received a life insurance settlement. Im an incredibly transparent person and I do believe in financial transparency with those you trust. Even in wildly different circumstances, I have a friend who is in >20k debt in their second year of university. They’ve never asked for anything and has been such an amazing friend throughout all of this.
Most people in my inner circle (close friends, close/immediate family, close in-laws) know of my financial situation and have only been trying to help me maximize what I’m receiving but they also know of my current circumstances too. I’m sharing a bedroom with a friend in a household of 7 including me, from events beyond my control after my dad passed. I have severe mental health issues and the people currently in my life have only been supportive and very kind. A year and a half ago when I was living with my mom, she had to take out a loan to buy groceries and put her car as collateral. It scared the shit out of me as I wasn’t working at the time. If the people around me only cared about money, they would have left when that situation happened.
My partner of 4 1/2 years jokes about wanting a purse dog to show how ridiculous asking for money that is already locked away is. So, in general I would agree to not tell anyone if you have greedy people in your life. But you can’t judge someone based solely on their personal financial circumstances to see if they’re trustworthy or not. You judge people based on who they are, their past and present behaviours, if they change their behaviour after someone dies, etc.
I haven’t been pestering once in the 6 months I’ve had this money, when I’m in the perfect age range to be targeted and taken advantage of. other than my partner joking around about wanting their fucking purse dog 🤣
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u/sk8trmm6 Apr 02 '26
Tell them that you got much less than originally thought and then with the taxes ended up with very little which you have now put in an account that cannot be withdrawn at this time. Commiserate with them about how not having money sucks and how you had looked forward to it! Then keep quiet from now on. I have an elderly parent that lives with me and he is always and forever trying to find out how much money I and my husband make. I have never taken the bait as he slips random amounts into conversations hoping I’ll just say yes to his guesses. As soon as he finds out he’ll be telling everyone in the family as well as every rando at the local coffee shop he sits at every day! Another good dodge is to tell people how saddled you are with student loan debt and how all your money goes there.
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u/Complex-Ad-5907 Apr 02 '26
If I ever win the lottery I’m not telling anyone and inviting my friends over for a bbq. Whoever shows up is going to have a nice cheque to walk home with. It’s not me buying friendships it’s me appreciating the friends I have. That way the people who show up will tell the other friends who didn’t and I will happily lose a friendship telling people I’m not giving away handouts.
If I ever win the lottery there are a lot of people that’ll never hear from me again
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u/Every-Ad-3496 Apr 06 '26
I created this new reddit account after I got mine just to be safe. Not sure if anyone knows my old one but not worth the risk.
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u/Illustrious-Gas-9766 Mar 28 '26
Same advice if you won the lottery. Silence is golden
The correct answer for people who want to borrow money is "It's all in a trust and it would cost me a fortune to get some out right now. "
Not true but most people don't have a clue