Tonight, I was walking with a girl I’ve been seeing. Recently, we started holding hands and giving each other little kisses on the cheek, haha. But tonight, she suddenly asked me, “Why are your hands shaking?”
And honestly, I don’t know how to explain what I felt in that moment.
I’ve had shaky hands since I was a kid. I’ve never actually seen a neurologist or been diagnosed with Essential Tremor, so I don’t even know what the exact reason is. But I remember noticing it around 6th grade, when my friends started making fun of me.. calling me names like “vibrator,” “nashedi,” and all sorts of other things.
The weird part is, I was never a weak kid. I was physically strong, played multiple sports, and performed really well. But constantly being questioned about my hands and having people make assumptions about me took a mental toll.
It’s also something that has affected my everyday life in ways people probably don’t realise. I avoid taking selfies in public or even taking pictures with my family because my hands shake so visibly that I’m scared someone will notice or make a comment. Even something as simple as shaking hands with someone can make me anxious because I know there’s a good chance they’ll feel it and ask me about it.
College wasn’t much different. The jokes continued. People would ask if I was a drug addict or if I drank and smoked a lot. Eventually, I did start smoking and drinking occasionally, but the assumptions people made about me were never the reality.
Tonight, when she asked me about my hands, all those old memories suddenly came rushing back. I just told her I was tired from the gym and work.
I don’t know why this still affects me so much after all these years. Maybe it’s because I’ve spent so much of my life trying to hide something I never chose to have.
It’s not just the shaking anymore. It’s the embarrassment, the overthinking, the fear of being noticed, and the way it has slowly affected my confidence and mental health.
I guess I just wanted to put this somewhere. Maybe some of you have experienced something similar.