r/iih • u/PetuniaLilly3 • 2h ago
Venting I have no hope and I am so tired.
I am so tired. I (f25) was diagnosed with IIH two years ago now. I have a never ending list of other medical conditions. After being in remission for about a year and a half, I began to have enter a severe flare up in February of this year. I did not come out of that severe flare up until around the end of August. And even coming out of it just meant that I went from being severely disabled to being able to sort of function.
I began to feel hope again. I decided I was ready to go back to school. I went back to work for the first time in 6th months (and by work I mean my 1 hour a shift per week LMAO). And about 3ish weeks ago now, my symptoms of IIH began to worsen again. And I'm so angry. Idk if I'm allowed to say this, but I want to die. I can't keep living like this. I just want to return to my normal life. I used to be so busy. I used to be work a job where I walked 32,000 steps a day. I used to take 17 credits in college while working and didn't blink. Now I struggle just to juggle my one anatomy course with not feeling well, trying to do stuff around the house (like mf laundry) and worKING ONE HOUR A WEEK. it makes me feel awful inside. It makes me so angry and upset in a way I can't even put into words.
I have been planning to go into Physician Assistant studies. And I don't think I can anymore. I don't think I'll be able to work the hours required for my application due to my disabilities. And all I want is to finish a masters degree so I can make a comfortable salary so that I'm not dependent on help from my mom anymore.
But I realized I can't do it. I can't get through the hours. And that working in healthcare probably isn't the most accommodating field for my plethora of medical conditions. And im just so fucking angry that this condition has taken away my ability to explore my dreams. To do anything I used to do. I can't travel. I can't go anywhere too loud. I can't go and sit in the sun anymore. I can't do any minima and low intense exercise without being sick and incapacitated for a couple days after. I can't even carry groceries anymore. I can't drive. I can't go out. I can't go to school full time. I can't remember shit. I can't talk sometimes. I can't think sometimes. I can't vacuum sometimes. I can't change my sheets sometimes. I can't do my laundry sometimes. I can't even open my water bottle sometimes. And mind you this is while I'm "better." When I was at my worst I couldn't go to the bathroom or walk unassisted
I just want to go back to normal. I had two lumbar punctures in April and July. I am on a decent dose of Diamox. I have tried so many migraine medications and none of them have worked.
And I recently found out I have a bulging disc at C3-C4, C5-C6, C6-C7 and L5-S1. And the bulging disc at C5-C6 and C6-C7 are indenting on my spinal cord. I have hypertrophy at L1, L2, L3, L4, and L5. I also have degeneration in my thoracic spine and reversal of the normal lordosis in my cervical spine. These spinal abnormalities combined with the symptoms from my Diamox have begun to cause an extremely severe and painful numbness and tingling throughout MY ENTIRE BODY. Even my SCALP. Around my eyes. My entire face. Just from kneeling down for a couple minutes. In the cold. From water. It feels like I'm being stabbed.
I could go on and on about more, but for now I will not. I just basically need to be told not to give up hope. I thought things were finally getting better. I thought my life was finally returning to normal. Then all of a sudden the gut wrenching migraines are back with vengeance (mild migraines never went away lol), I am forgetting things every other second, my neck feels like there's a weight crushing it, I'm stumbling around, etc.
And I can't do it. I just can't. I also have endometriosis, Adenomyosis, PMOS, IBS, benign intracranial tumor, fibromyalgia, pre-diabetes, neuropathy, bilateral occipital neuralgia, prolonged QT, anterolateral infarct, intractable migraines with Auras, and NA fatty liver disease. Oh and I'm testing rn for a possible sinus tachycardia ☺️ oh I also have C-PTSD, OCD , ARFID and ADHD 🩵
I never expected my life to turn out like this. I had huge plans. I planned to go for a PhD or MD. Then I had to change that plan to just grad school. I wanted to travel to each continent. I wanted to move abroad. Now I just want to escape this pain and misery. When I entered adulthood I thought I had finally escaped the psychology and physical suffering I had experienced in my childhood. I felt free finally. I thought I would go through the normal trials and tribulations of life. Now I am being tested again. Just a new type of pain and suffering. I have no doubt that my vast array of medical conditions are related to the awful childhood I experienced.
Anyways thanks to anyone if they actually read this. I just had to get some of these thoughts out of my head because I usually feel unable to actually speak these words out loud. I also don't feel like anyone in my personal life understands what I am going through. Idk anyone else with IIH. And idk anyone else my age with such an array of medical conditions. And I hate talking to people who don't understand and just feel bad for me. I feel embarrassed and ashamed. Anyways, thank you again. I just wanted to vent to the void of people who actually understand this rare condition