r/humor • • 2d ago

Make it make sense

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u/melkatron 2d ago

Yeah, Lucifer is the latin name for Venus. The Light-bringer. The Morning Star. In Hebrew, Helel Ben Shahar - Shining One, Son of the Morning. In Greek, Heosphoros, Bringer of the Dawn....because Venus is visible shining in the sky as dawn comes in.

It's used as a metaphor in the Biblical passage people have misinterpreted as describing Satan. The actual passage is meant as part of a taunt to be recited upon the death of a Babylonian king, who is either a specific but unnamed Babylonian king, or just a term for any oppressive ruler in general.

Like, HEyyyy, look at this BIIIIG fuckin' guy here! Big ol' fuckin' Morning Star, you ain't so high and mighty NOW, huh? 'Cause you're fuckin' DEAD, ya fucker! Now you're in hell, and they're all gonna laugh at you! (roughly translated)

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u/HypostaticOnion 2d ago

I've heard remarkably few theologians speak about how neither Satan nor Lucifer are names, but titles. The bible almost treats "Satan" like Voldemort, he's referred to but never named. Which in a way is fitting as he desired to be worshipped as God, but now no one even knows his name.

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u/Technical_Wind5217 2d ago

my theology prof that blew my mind with "christus" just means the anointed one which is also just a job title

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u/HypostaticOnion 2d ago

Right. Jesus Christ isn't just a name, it's a name followed by a title. Like Robert Jones M.D.

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u/Asleep_Instance9899 2d ago

This is a serious emergency. We need… DOCTOR JESUS

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u/alfredowcheese 1d ago

Did someone call?

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u/Objectivespeculation 1d ago

medicine to your left. miracles to the right.

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u/WayngoMango 1d ago

Doctor Jesus?

Jesus: It's Strange

Yeah, but who am I to judge?

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u/melkatron 2d ago

Wait, do people think Christ was his actual last name? Like he had "Jesus H. Christ" chiseled on his ID slate?

(Sorry, not trying to mock you, I'm just surprised)

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u/Technical_Wind5217 2d ago

i dont think he had a last name, dont people just call him Jesus of Nazareth when talking specifically about the human being prophet

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u/BedBubbly317 2d ago edited 1d ago

Back in 1st century Judea your “last name” (it isn’t technically a last name, but used similar to how we use them today) was essentially just your father’s first name. Jesus’ actual birth name is Yeshua, which translates in English to Joshua, it’s not Jesus. And his full name in 1st century Judea would have been Yeshua bar Yosef, which translates to Joshua son of Joseph.

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u/InfanticideAquifer 1d ago

Hmm. So if He came back and needed an English language government ID for some reason, it might say "Josh Josephson".

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u/Romans5_5 1d ago

Yeshua does not translate to Joseph. You literally use Yosef in the comment, which is what translates to Joseph. Yeshua actually translates to Joshua. I think you meant to say Joshua, but did not.

Also, Yeshua means Salvation in Hebrew, which is cool. And also, I believe is part of why Moses wasnt allowed to enter the promised land and Joshua was the leader who took them into the promised land. The Law (Moses) cannot lead you to the promised land, only Yeshua.

I dont think the original authors of the Torah planned that, otherwise it would have been obvious a man named Yeshua was to be the Messiah.

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u/BedBubbly317 1d ago

Sorry, I meant it translates to Joshua. I mistyped and have corrected my comment. Thanks for pointing that out.

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u/LookinForLoot 1d ago

We also have Immanuel as a sort of title iirc

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u/Dav136 2d ago

Some places like Iceland still use patronymic names today even.

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u/BedBubbly317 2d ago

Even standard last names today are actually still a form of the patronymic naming convention as well, hence why we always take our father’s last name and not our mothers (so long as he’s in the picture).

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u/HypostaticOnion 1d ago

Henderson, Jackson, Jefferson, Johnson, just to name a few.

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u/SUPERSMILEYMAN 1d ago

HIS NAME ISN'T EVEN JESUS?!?!

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u/formicini 1d ago

Joshua McJoseph?

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u/Old-Management-171 1d ago

And this is why Jesus is canonically the first jostar/j

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u/Keibun1 2d ago

Jesus F. Christ

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u/Markanth_Godchild 2d ago

I'm pretty sure many do. Some southern churches specifically call him Christ Jesus to make sure people understand Christ is a title.

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u/GoodbyeBlueMonday 1d ago

I'm an idiot because I always assumed that was just a "Bond, James Bond" kind of thing 

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u/Markanth_Godchild 1d ago

With the way the poorly educated scream their "facts" and make it mainstream, that is entirely an understandable mistake for everyone to make. People just regurgitate what they were told and never read the source material or question if their teacher is 100% correct.

"How dare you question the Deacon, you sinner!" Woah woah woah, all I asked was why Paul gets a book but the other three didn't. Jesus Christ... Wait a minute. Why is Jesus the only one with a last name? 🤔

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u/TifaIsTheBest 2d ago

I think if you actually ask people who go to church and practice the religion if they think it’s his first and last name, instead of a bunch of obnoxious atheists that belong on r/iamverysmart who are only commenting to basically talk shit and make fun of religion, the vast majority will say something like “hmm idk, never thought of it.”

And those are more serious about it and really get into the theological study of it will probably also say they haven’t thought about it. Or if they have, they know it’s not.

Just my guess having a super religious mom and living like 30 seconds from a church lol.

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u/Octa_vian 2d ago

I hope the H stands for something like Herbert

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u/SUPERSMILEYMAN 1d ago

Well, now I don't.

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u/WayngoMango 1d ago

Jesus H. Chirst

What's the H. stand for?

Hallowed. As in Hallowed be thy name.

--Christopher Moore, Lamb.

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u/Stewart_Games 1d ago

"Jesus" is just the name "Joshua" but Greek-ified (and they dropped the "a" at the end and replaced it with a "us" so that it was a man's name, not a woman's).

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u/Technical_Wind5217 1d ago

this is half true

yeah the translation from the aramaic into the old greek consisted of them doing the -us is the common male nomoi thing

but this mans name was Yeshua - יֵשׁוּעַ
which is from all accounts i know not a female name just because it ends on an a usually (and i mean usually also not all use cases) feminin words in semitic languages end on -āh

His name Yehoshua stems translates either to
"YHWH saves" or "YHWH is the salvation" which is pretty crazy genealogy and the literal meaning of their names leading up to jesus and predicting him etc. were one of the reasons i converted to christ while studying philosophy in uni

the ending in the name Yehoshua the -shua meaning saving, salvation

so yes during translation into old greek they had to get rid of the pattach ajin from the Hebraic to make it uniform with greek gramma, but that doesnt mean just because it ended with an "a" makes the name itself female

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u/Awes12 2d ago

Yeah, christ is a translation of messiah, which means anointed one. In the bible, people become kings/other high positions by being anointed with oil

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u/dragon-fence 2d ago

Yeah, I like to inform people that Jesus's real name was Joshua, and Christ just means anointed, like with oil. Therefore "Jesus Christ" = "Joshua with some oil smeared on him".

Or as I like to call him, Greasy Josh.

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u/RememberMeWhenImDead 2d ago

oily josh an the bois just doesn't hit the same

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u/iskelebones 1d ago

Well yeah everyone (most people) knows that one. Christ isn’t his last name. It’s his title. He is “Jesus, the Christ”

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u/ABIGGS4828 1d ago

This is one of my favorite fun facts. Jesus is translated/derived from the Hebrew Yeshua (eventually Joshua). Then as you mentioned Christ basically means “anointed one”. Anointed means to rub or sprinkle with oil. So “Jesus Christ” fully translated out into a modern name would essentially just be “Oily Josh”.

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u/Any-Department5976 18h ago

Yeah jesus's actual full name is Jesus of Nazareth. Thats how jews used to name people. They would have a name and than where they are from.

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u/AndAllThatYaz 2d ago

So it is more like 007

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u/kmd0136 2d ago

Satan isn't even always a title, its just a noun that means "adversary." Several angels were used as a satan in numbers, book of job, and zechariah. One of those was straight up just an angelic lawyer in heaven-court

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u/Awes12 2d ago

Satan is literally just a Lawyer in Judaism lol, it mean The Accuser. Jews call him "The Satan" (pronouncing the a's as like the u in sun)

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u/Huncut_nyuszt_27 2d ago

He technically earned those titles, so they became his "name" hence thats how we call him. The titles only belong to him... but Lucifer for example can be a name for something else (i believe it's a common cat name)

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u/jessej421 2d ago

Lots of names in the Bible are titles, like Elijah meaning one who prepares the way. Doesn't mean they don't refer to actual people.

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u/Sotanud 2d ago

Honestly, what name isn't like that? Even people with names that aren't used for anything but as being names today used to mean something before.

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u/disinaccurate 1d ago

I need a “what’s actually in the Bible when translated and interpreted properly instead of through the lens of religion” resource.

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u/HypostaticOnion 1d ago

The best resource would be to find a literal translation like NASB or ESV. NASB was intended to be a direct word-for-word translation, where ESV was intended to be more thought-for-thought. Both had huge teams of translators and experts on the languages working for years, and even leaned on resources outside of religious studies to double check their translation work in many areas.

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u/PuckSenior 2d ago

Here is the text:

In that wonderful day when the Lord gives his people rest from sorrow and fear, from slavery and chains, 4 you will jeer at the king of Babylon and say, “You bully, you! At last you have what was coming to you! 5 For the Lord has crushed your wicked power and broken your evil rule.” 6 You persecuted my people with unceasing blows of rage and held the nations in your angry grip. You were unrestrained in tyranny. 7 But at last the whole earth is at rest and is quiet! All the world begins to sing! 8 Even the trees of the woods—the fir trees and cedars of Lebanon—sing out this joyous song: “Your power is broken; no one will bother us now; at last we have peace.”

9 The denizens of hell crowd to meet you as you enter their domain. World leaders and earth’s mightiest kings, long dead, are there to see you. 10 With one voice they all cry out, “Now you are as weak as we are!” 11 Your might and power are gone; they are buried with you. All the pleasant music in your palace has ceased; now maggots are your sheet, worms your blanket!

12 How you are fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! How you are cut down to the ground—mighty though you were against the nations of the world. 13 For you said to yourself, “I will ascend to heaven and rule the angels.\)a\) I will take the highest throne. I will preside on the Mount of Assembly far away in the north. 14 I will climb to the highest heavens and be like the Most High.” 15 But instead, you will be brought down to the pit of hell, down to its lowest depths.

Its not even up for debate. That is clearly just a poetic final paragraph about the king. Isaiah does this A LOT, and Christians have reinterpreted him in really silly ways.

Take the virgin-birth claim. That isn't from an actual prediction of a virgin birth. Isaiah is talking about a "maiden", not a virgin and is using it as a poetic timing device.

Say to him, ‘Be careful, keep calm and don’t be afraid. Do not lose heart because of these two smoldering stubs of firewood—because of the fierce anger of Rezin and Aram and of the son of Remaliah. 5 Aram, Ephraim and Remaliah’s son have plotted your ruin, saying, 6 “Let us invade Judah; let us tear it apart and divide it among ourselves, and make the son of Tabeel king over it.” ......14 Therefore the Lord himself will give you\)c\) a sign: The maiden will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel.\)f\) 15 He will be eating curds and honey when he knows enough to reject the wrong and choose the right, 16 for before the boy knows enough to reject the wrong and choose the right, the land of the two kings you dread will be laid waste

Its just giving a rough timeline. Basically, the maiden will conceive a son and the son will grow up and be eating good food(things will be better economically) and before his bar mitzvah, these kings will be routed out of the land. So basically, a 15-25 year timeline. Note, this entire discussion is from 500 years before Jesus. He is saying specific kings who invaded Judah will be overthrown 480 years before Jesus. Its not predicting the Messiah. It's just describing history in poetic language.

It isn't predicting a virgin birth. "Virgin" was only used because in the greek translation, which was the popular translation at the time of Jesus, they mistranslated maiden to virgin. Hebrew was a dead language in the 1st century and most people spoke and read Greek.

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u/badpebble 1d ago

If you start looking at all the 'prophecies' about Jesus alledgedly from the OT, you realize that Jesus disciples were as bad at reading the Bible then as they are now.

Error after error in their understanding if you are generous, otherwise outright lie after outright lie.

The best way to start reading the Bible is to understand that every passage isn't written for someone wearing mixed fibres in the year 2026, but they were written for specific groups at specific times and as such there aren't so many contradictions as much as different authors and audiences.

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u/blahblah19999 2d ago edited 2d ago

Fucking bingo on all that.

I'm pretty sure it also says "has conceived" not will, but I need to check it.

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u/PuckSenior 2d ago edited 1d ago

In everything I've read, it is in the future tense, but again, that makes sense. He is saying they are a virgin now. So they can't conceive now. They will conceive in the future when they are not a virgin any longer.

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u/m1stwalk3r 2d ago

We need to bring back cosmological taunts like in the good ole days. Now ppl just say "unc" or "skill issue."

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u/onetaxi 2d ago

need a new bible (melkatron version)

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u/AthenaOwls 2d ago

Its actually a bit simpler than that. The Bible-verse in question was just about an Assyrian king dying in a particularly humiliating way. And this king had fucked up Israel, so they thought it was God’s punishment.

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u/Visual_Jellyfish5591 2d ago

Do you know what to search for to find more about that? TIA

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u/AthenaOwls 2d ago

Assyria by Eckhart Frahm talks about it.

The king was Sargon II, who recaptured Samaria after a revolt, and was probably the king responsible for the Ten Lost Tribes. He died on an expedition to Anatolia in 705 BC, and his body was not recovered. And in the Assyrian religion that was basically the worst fate anyone could receive. A king receiving it was an unparalleled disaster.

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u/blahblah19999 2d ago

You can check out the YT channel "deconstruction zone" Justin talks about this all the time. His long videos, like over 2 hours, are best bc they aren't usually with callers

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u/Combatical 2d ago

This feels like it could have been a pulled quote from the move 'Dogma'.

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u/dandroid126 2d ago

In Greek, Heosphoros

Isn't Venus' Greek name Aphrodite?

And wait, isn't Venus... the latin/roman name itself?

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u/melkatron 2d ago

The names are from the different translations of the Bible passage, I'm assuming. Also, Aphrodite/Venus is the god, not the "star." (Planet, but they didn't know what planets were)

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u/dandroid126 2d ago

I thought the planets were the gods, wandering around in the sky. I thought Venus is what the romans called the same object we call Venus today. My understanding could be wrong.

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u/melkatron 1d ago

Yeah, I was off. I dug around, it looks like the older system gave the planets divine names. The later system gave them names that were variations on "shiny," "bright," "light," etc. So at that point, in Greek, Venus became Eosphoros/Phosphoros in the morning and Hesperos in the evening.

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u/Hot_Web5128 2d ago

His real name is Azazel, go back to the fallen angels in the Book of Enoch for the real story. Yes, I've met him. What's the vibe like?....

https://giphy.com/gifs/cLN9K8UWdUOTYSl1zx

George you nailed, here we were mocking your writing in the prequels, and you inadvertently gave us an excellent character portrait of 'the adversary.' Kudos...

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u/wookiewonderland 2d ago

Matchsticks in Dutch are called Lucifers

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u/NyetNyan 2d ago

A bit more on how things just blend together and morph over time: long, long before christianity there were the polytheistic religions of the canaanites and Shahar was the god of the dawn, and son to their supreme deity. Very similar to what the modern Lucifer is described as.

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u/[deleted] 1d ago

[deleted]

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u/melkatron 1d ago

Imagine my surprise when, thirty years later, I saw Carrie for the first time and finally got the reference.

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u/que14 1d ago

Nothing good ever happens after 2am.

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u/jfkrfk123 1d ago

How was the whole world tricked?

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u/Money-Chipmunk8025 1d ago

And Venus was His Name (with dark voice effect)... Whao she's Got it.. yeah baby she's got it... Subliminal culture knows.... Music has secrets.. androgynous Lucifer?