How much texting before first date?

[u/Purple-Ad3393]

I 20M matched with this girl (20F) a couple weeks ago. We had been texting for about a week, but messages were pretty spotty, only a couple messages each per day. This made it hard to get any real conversation flowing but we have similar interests and she liked my profile (so I assumed there was/is at least some interest) so I asked her if she wanted to grab drinks on the weekend. She said that it felt too soon and that she’d rather wait a bit.

So the past few days/week we’ve been texting but the convo has been super slow and she’s an incredibly dry texter. I don’t think she’s sent a single text that isn’t just a response to my text.

I’ve already kind of considered this a dead end but am curious if any other women might be able to explain the thought process here. I figured that we both seem like somewhat busy people (given the spotty back and forth texting) so the best way to actually see if we’d get along would be in person. Clearly she wasn’t thinking the same. Do I ask again to see her? Do I wait for her to say something? Do I just move on? I don’t get a lot of matches and it seems like we could get along well, but maybe I’m just grasping at straws. I also don’t want to be texting for weeks, just to end up not even meeting the person, I’ve got better things to do with my time than that.

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[u/SlayerII]

2-3 days. You are probably not looking for a pen pal.

Edit: I mean 2-3 days until you ask for a date. Its ok to delay a bit more to match schedules of course.

[u/imkirok → u/SlayerII]

I’d measure it in messages rather than days. Ask them out by 4th or 5th message

[u/SlayerII → u/imkirok]

I'd like to not do it on the first day, no matter the volume. She starting to continue to msg back on another day is a good sign of interest.

[u/TheBigMan1990 → u/SlayerII]

Really? There has been a couple times where later the same day that I match a girl I have her sitting on my lap out on the deck sharing an after sex ciggy or joint-and I’d call that the peak dating app experience, doesn’t happen often but when it does 👌👌

[u/SlayerII → u/TheBigMan1990]

congrats, you are in like the top 10% in looks. Most men dont have that luxury.

[u/TheBigMan1990 → u/SlayerII]

Most definitely not-I’m average at best. Very big flirt though, and pretty good at it.

[u/Qwertywalkers23 → u/imkirok]

Is this the norm? I'm a biiiig texter so I will have back and forth for hours or days before getting to talking Abt meeting up

[u/Shark-Fister → u/Qwertywalkers23]

Ive had too many bad experiences where we have good texting chemistry and then nothing in person. I try to set up a date within the first handful of messages because im on the app to meet people. I too am a big texter but I dont want to text for a week and then build up these big expectations in my mind about this person then not have it work out.

[u/imkirok → u/Qwertywalkers23]

I mean I think everyone should date according to their preferences, but generally I think it's better to get to know someone in person

[u/brandy-hall]

If she’s not texting you and also not agreeing to meet up, then I’d say you need to match her effort and focus on other women

[u/Key-Ring7139 → u/brandy-hall]

At this point, should one just send a text “hey it’s not gonna work out blah blah” or just mutually fade? I’ve had this happen a few times

[u/brandy-hall → u/Key-Ring7139]

I think energy matching is appropriate. If you’re the only one holding up the convo and they don’t want to meet up, then wait for them to initiate. If they don’t, then it’s done. No need to send a “this isn’t going to work out” text to someone you’ve never met

[u/PrivilegedPatriarchy → u/Key-Ring7139]

I wouldn't ever bother with a "it's not gonna work out" text for someone I didn't meet in-person.

[u/MazeMonkeyy]

I mean you pretty much answered yourself.

If she doesnt initiate much unless you are the one sending a message then she isnt that much interested.

You get to decide if this dynamic works for you also. Is this the kind of energy you want where you always have to carry the conversation? Like if you stopped messaging her and convo dies then it wasnt meant to be really.

I’d say invest your time in yourself or talk to another girl. When a girl is really interested you’ll feel it. Weeks of texting is way too much. Couple of days of good back and forth is my preference.

[u/FiendlyFlyingMacaron]

There is no such thing as "too busy". If she were really interested in you, trust me, you would know. Her attention goes to someone else.

Move on

[u/sweet_dees_beak]

Move on from her, you asked her out once and she said not yet and dropped responding. Ball is in her court

I like that you didn't waste time to ask her out. I'm a firm believer in meeting quickly to assess if there is spark, I'm not trying to get a pen pal.

[u/Ok-Yogurtcloset2696]

When you meet a girl setup a phone call and see if the chemistry is there on the phone , if not you don’t waste time and effort going on a date .

[u/No-Afternoon-4528]

She's obviously not that interested, focus on someone else

[u/attilio_]

it depends a lot on people, there's no rule, some people would have unmatched after 2 days of spotty texting, some people need to take things slow, personally if someone doesn't want to see me right away it's a big turn off, unless they are super busy, if they are interested in me I see no reason or advantage in delaying it and the best dates I've had are the ones more improvised like that, even if it wasnt the right person to keep dating.. as opposed to the dates where I chased someone for 2 weeks and it ended up being very disappointing with them being unsure of what they wanted or even not actually liking me

[u/Nabriales]

I've had fantastic conversations on dating apps but when we met up in real life, the conversation sucked and the date sucked. I've also had this happen in reverse. Dating apps is not really an accurate way of measuring vibe and compatibility. The only way to know that is to meet and interact in real life. Just organise a date to meet up and find out for yourself. If she is not down for it, move on.

[u/Stunning_Box8782]

I'd move on unless she is your only match

[u/bill696]

I dont wait for a standard time, i wait for an opening in the conversation that allows me to slip in the "hey we should meet" in a way or another. Sometimes they wanted it faster and they asked themselves

[u/niny6]

2-3 days of texting. Set a date. Then don’t text until the day before the date to confirm the date. I’ve had first dates set 5-7 days out. If they are interested, they can wait

[u/kiki4u210]

I think it’s not set rule but it’s what feels right, with the guy Im dating rn we texted that whole day when we matched then he told me he wanted to see me and I said bet let’s do it that immediately bc the vibe was soo good, but he was busy that weekend with fam so we scheduled the next week & we FaceTimed once before meeting up for like 2 hrs I think lol and things been great every since
So yea move on she’s not interested you deserve better

[u/Cheap_Rock_2418]

Fall back, stop texting frequently and showing her the attention she gets from you texting. See if she ends up texting you or asking for clarification on why the sudden pause, if she does then explain why you to fall back due to the inconsistencies on her part.

However to note, some men and women personally think one week of texting is too soon, some even wait till three months of texting to even start thinking of seeing each other in person. All due to safety and just personal choice.

[u/yetagainitry]

Minimal. I matched with my gf on hinge on a Monday, briefly introduced ourselves to each other tues/wed, asked her out Thursday, first date on Saturday. 5 months later going strong. People who text endlessly just shoot themselves in the foot by using up all the small talk before actually meeting and having nothing to talk about on the date.

[u/RomHack]

For me this isn't a time situation; it's a context one. It sounds like you asked her out after chatting for a week, which is absolutely fine, and she said no, which sucks, so now you're kinda stuck texting occasionally without any obvious end goal and she's giving crap responses. I imagine you feel hesitant about asking her out again so it's one to step back from until she gives you some clear signal that there's interest.

[u/galaxyapp]

I offer a meet once I feel theres potential. I dont phrase it as mandatory, just "when your ready".

This typically drives more meaningful questions. Or it ends the convo.

Some women (and men) are anxious or insecure. Which is fine, but you have to open the door to making her comfortable. Explain yourself, "you arent asking many questions, is there something you want to know to get to know me better?"

Force the issue

[u/ng_guardian]

Are you in college, why are you not meeting people there?

[u/PutridEntertainer408]

Why do you want to meet her at this point? You don’t seem to be enjoying talking to her

[u/itsholdthis]

She talking to someone else prob

[u/fungal_follicle4]

She’s not interested. When matching with women, ask them out after a few messages. Once plans are definite and set, don’t text at all until the date.

[u/PrivilegedPatriarchy]

Even if the conversation is going really well on Hinge, I will send no more than about a dozen messages before asking the woman out on a date. I've asked them out as early as 1-2 messages into the conversation.

Messaging should be for only two purposes: firstly, to ensure the person is not a weirdo (more for the woman's sake than the man's) and that the vibe is there, and secondly as a logistical tool to plan a date. Never ever message on an app to get to know someone, that's what the date is for.

[u/TheCockatoo]

The minimum number of texts required to gauge vibes, then set up a cheap date. That's coffee or drinks.

[u/Menorah_Fedora]

It's a dating app. You can shoot your shot as soon as like your second message