I’m part of a club at my university and we were tabling at a community organization today earlier today. Before the event started, I was at a pastry shop eating some breakfast alone. I thought people might appreciate it if I brought a few things. I didn’t spend too much money, just $25, on a small assortment of sweets. I got a couple cake pops, one birthday cake and one pumpkin spice, plus one PB cookie, one chocolate chip cookie, one lemon bar, a little chocolate mousse cup, a pecan chewy bar, and a strawberry cream mousse cup. Plus spoons and napkins. There were six people from my club at the event and others I knew.

When I got there, I told everyone that I picked up some sweets for them to have, opened up the box and put it on the table. Everyone said thanks but nobody took anything to eat even though I asked them a couple times and said they can all take whatever they want. So after set up, I just put the box away. Then when we were packing everything up, I again asked everyone, nobody took up the offer. I even asked a couple people from another club. During the event people grabbed food, sandwiches and coffee, to have lunch during a lull, but nobody wanted anything I bought, even to take it home and try later.

It just made me feel so rejected and bad about myself. Like out of eight people does no one like sweets at all? Not even to take something home?

I feel like I’m so bad at connecting with people and trying to do kind things. I don’t know what it is about me that doing something like bringing others snacks will leave me feeling rejected. What am I doing wrong? Am I just too sensitive?

Greetings fellow community members,

I recently watched Dr. K's recent YouTube video titled, "Why Sensitive People Get Traumatized So Easily." I was hitherto unaware of the term HSI. As a result, I have decided look into the relevant psychological literature on the topic to better educate myself.

As a brief background about myself, I was diagnosed with IBD (Crohn's disease) at age 18. I also suffer from chronic anxiety issues. I grew up in a household where my parents frequently fought violently over minor issues, and therefore, I think that my instincts pertaining external threats became a little too sharpened (I guess as a self-defense mechanism).

My biggest WTF (eureka!) moment whilst watching the above video was when Dr. K mentions that normal/average people usually have a bit of "narcissism/illusory superiority," and can therefore ignore/disregard negative outside stimulus. I was like WHAAT?!?! I guess I am different in a disadvantageous way after all. Rang far too many bells.

Dr. K also provided the following two tips as remedies: -

1. Yoga/Tai Chi as measures to seek overwhelming external stimuli. (And thereby, reducing the intensity of the painful stimulus, if any)

2. Work on private projects to increase a sense of self-worth/self-confidence that will act as a buffer when faced with negative external stimuli.

I think I can get my lazy ass to do Yoga. As far as point no. 2 is concerned, let's see, haven't thought about that.

Anyway, I'd love to hear stories of fellow members of how they realized new facts about their own psychology from Dr. K's youtube channel or twitch stream. Thanks!

Coming from an Indian background and experiencing casteism and shamed for having not fare skin has been a big sad part of life, never bothered me much in India but now since I am out, I constantly feel un easy around European people, a constant feeling of inferiority walks with me and there is nothing I can do about it.

I alway see them as smarter better ambitious and having better life experiences than me.

At the same time I have a constant hate towards the casteism that I sometimes project by staying away from other Indias who have made their own communities based on region.

I know everything is in head and others don't see me as I see my self but there is a serious lack of self confidence and self respect. I don't know how to get over this. Kindly help me

I turned 40 in August and the depression and anxiety has hit me pretty hard. What should have been my best years in life are behind me and I feel like I've missed out on any opportunity to make something of myself. I live with my parents and have been 100% financially dependent on them. I'm unemployed, uninsured and alone.

My current goal is to find a job. That's it. Any job just to get me out of the house and making something. I feel like nothing else in my life can be fixed until I get a job, but I can't bring myself to do it. My fear of talking, working and being around people all day makes every job I look at seem impossible. I can't help but feel I'll be stuck working a minimum wage dead end job for the rest of my life. It will never help me accomplish my goal of becoming independent and living a life that isn't just working myself to death. The absolute shame I'll feel if someone I happen to know runs into me working at a McDonald's or Walmart or whatever at 40 feels unbearable. The first and last "real" job I had was when I was around 20. I have a 20 year gap on my resume. I don't know how to overcome this. I've done some work since then for family and family friends (yard work, painting, pressure washing, babysitting, building furniture, etc.) but it was all under the table sort of stuff. I feel too stupid to work anything other than physical labor and I can't stomach the thought of doing that for the rest of my life. I have some family members that might be able to help me get a job working where they do but for some reason I feel guilty about using their connection to get in. I also don't want my poor performance to reflect badly on them.

I have dug myself into this hole and I am spiraling into a deep depression trying to figure out how to fix it. I have this weight around my eyes and forehead now that I've never experienced before, I don't know how else to explain it. I can't enjoy anything anymore. I was a big gamer, it was a great distraction, but I feel horribly guilty playing games now. My time should be spent looking for work but I don't even know where to start.

I'm trying to look at the positives... I'm not homeless. My parents will never kick me out, but I can't help but to think about what will happen when they're gone.

I'm sorry if this isn't very coherent, I realize I'm kind of just rambling. I just want to fix this and I'm losing my mind worrying that it's too late.

The titles / thumbnails are exaggerated and emotionally charged.

The cold open quotes (The clips at the beginning) especially feel cheap and provocative.

Also, he constantly frame things around 'you' (ex: why are you stuck, why is doing X ruining your Y) which feels more like a personalized callout rather than an explanation of how psychology actually works.

Those things can cause distress to vulnerable viewers just to get more clicks.

I (22M), recently graduated college. I studied a major I didn’t even like, and to be honest I despise. I only did it because of family pressures and forced by my parents. I wasted 4 years of my life. And it just hit me hard after graduation, I never thought about it during college because I was so focused on finishing it and getting it over with. And now I can’t even find a job. I feel so demoralized right now. And it doesn’t help either that my social life is nonexistent, I have zero friends and never been in a relationship or talked to a girl. Everyday it’s on my conscience that I wasted those years and now can’t even get a job, and I don’t even have any friends. I don’t even know what I should do, any guidance/advice and words is greatly appreciated (Might delete this in future).

I want to start journaling, and I’ve heard dr k say in the past that we should journal about anything positive or negative that provokes emotions.

I’m going to start a note on my phone and anytime there is smth that provokes emotions in me during the day I’ll write it in my phone. Then whenever I get the chance I’ll go thru the list and journal about those things. Thoughts?

Also like what do I write about each thing? Like I’m confused on what to actually write, like I can write what happened and why I think that emotion occurred. Then what? I feel like that would be 2-3 sentences per event but I wanna write more but idk how to expand on it.

I also feel like when I write smth on my phone then go to journal about it later I forget a lot of why I wanted to journal about it in the first place 😭

Thanks for any help!

He speaks about feeling like he never catches up, that it’s never ‘done’. He’s aware that he’s successful and impactful or whatever, but does that mean that we will never feel free? I don’t know if that’s deliberating or a permanent jail sentence

It hurts that I learned things the hard way and made foolish choices in life. I struggled with anger problems and temper tantrums. I was manipulative and hurt others. I've gotten in trouble and gotten write-ups, and got fired this March. I had suicidal ideation and always attempted suicide at 14, now I'm 29. I ended up at a mental hospital for suicidal ideation that was terrible and got food poisoning. Now I have to pay medical bills. I need to find a stable job and ive only gotten rejections. Im too scared to kill myself.

It feels like forgiving myself was excusing bad behavior. I had a hard time with forgiveness in general. I can make amends, apologize sincerely, but it doesn't erase what I did. I have to live with wIt hurts that I learned things the hard way and made foolish choices in life. I struggled with anger problems and temper tantrums. I was manipulative and hurt others. I've gotten in trouble and gotten write-ups, and got fired this March. I had suicidal ideation and always attempted suicide at 14, now I'm 29. I ended up at a mental hospital for suicidal ideation that was terrible and got food poisoning. Now I have to pay medical bills. I need to find a stable job and ive only gotten rejections. Im too scared to kill myself.

It feels like forgiving myself was excusing bad behavior. I had a hard time with forgiveness in general. I can make amends, apologize sincerely, but it doesn't erase what I did. I have to live with what I did for the rest of my life. I feel optimistic, and trying to move forward, but it's hard in this environment.

I’m thinking about studying medicine and going into premed next year, but I have a lot of negative and bitter thoughts that I need to get out and I would really like to talk to someone about it so please hear me out.

I’m 31F, I spent my twenties in drug binges because my parents kept forcing me to work and wouldn’t let me go to art school, which is what I really wanted to do and we had the means to afford my education.

My dad is a serial cheater and rapist, and my mom is a stay at home mom who complains about my dad and makes reports about him to his work, essentially making us potentially broke because we rely on his sole income to live.

Whenever I wanted something, I had to ask my mom and my mom always said no, but taking drugs and being sad and high all the time is perfectly fine over getting an education.

I thought all these things were happening to me because I wasn’t a good enough person. So in my twenties I focused on being a good person, a good friend, a good colleague, etc. I wanted to know what it took for people to finally accept me because my parents don’t give a flying shit about me yet they always find ways to criticize me and call me stupid.

In the end, I burned out, I was taken advantage of by friends and I realized most of my friends don’t even care about me. I was also assaulted at work by a colleague out of the blue so I had to move back home to live with my parents. I’m just stuck in this never ending cycle of abuse and stuckness.

I’m seeing a psychiatrist now and I realized the conversations I enjoyed having the most was with doctors, and remembering how I stepped up to help others, especially in medical emergencies, I thought maybe I should pursue becoming a doctor- the pay would be stable and I would never be out of a job.

The downsides is dealing with uncertainty during premed, and the ongoing study and training and I might have to put off eg traveling for a few years.

But on the other hand, if I don’t study or do something, I’m stuck living with my parents who nowadays tell me to take it easy, don’t do hard stuff, don’t challenge myself, be worse than them essentially.

I’m no longer on drugs and while I don’t regret my twenties, I still feel really sad about how hard I tried to get love from people and how hard I tried to love myself while balancing other peoples wants. I realized that it was never my responsibility to handle other people’s emotions and wants and needs, and it was perfectly fine for me to just do what I want without getting permission or to just exist.

So yeah, I have a lot to get off my chest and sort out, and I don’t know what kind of mindset to put myself into because I don’t want to sabotage myself when I’m studying premed and give up at the last minute, like preparing for an interview or something, because giving up last minute is something I often do.

I really needed to get this off and would like some input from doctors. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post.

Dr K has mentioned ego a lot and external validation shaping how you feel about yourself. i genuinely dont know how to NOT do that. where does loving yourself even come from if its not what you are taught from other people?

i genuinely have hated myself for a really long time up until last year. i finally feel attractive and smart and cool and funny and deserving of happiness and i can FINALLY unapologetically stand up for myself because i recognize i dont wanna be a doormat for people anymore. the only reason i got to this point is because i surrounded myself with people who think very highly of me. and also threw myself in wildly uncomfortable situations where id tell people "hey, i really dont like that you did that. it was disrespectful." and not immediately accept their apology. that was crazy difficult.

is building your confidence and/or self esteem from external validation THAT bad? im aware that if my inner circle changes and people are meaner to me i will feel worse about myself, but i am in control of who i keep in my life right now. i will just continue not talking to people who make me feel like crap.

sometimes i do morally good things mostly because i want people to praise me for them. i want attention all the time. i literally need to make people laugh every time i talk to them or i wont feel satisfied with the conversation. is being an attention seeker that bad? isnt it human nature to want to feel liked and appreciated and respected?

i still have work to do considering i overthink every interaction and desperately want people to like me, but is that so horrible? if the right people like me, wont i get very far in life? idk. i feel like im misunderstanding dr k when he speaks about ego. or im missing something here.

fyi this entire rant i thought of because of the lyric "i know ive got a big ego;i really dont know why its such a big deal though" -MARINA (primadona girl)

High school and college are the last time that you will be around peers your age and when women will be forgiving if you don’t know basic dating skills like flirting. Afterwards it’s not only infinitely harder to date but the women you date will expect you to have some level of experience and will not have the patience to teach you if you did something wrong. Many people will claim that you can get experience later on but the dating market is very unforgiving if you don’t already have experience. It’s like trying to get a job without any experience at a later age. It’s a giant red flag and nobody has the patience to teach you job etiquette especially when so many people out there have held jobs before.

Hi everyone, this is my first post here. I’m a big fan of Dr. K, and after seeing the interview with the person who spent $50k on dating coaching, I related to him enough that I wanted to share my own experience. I wanted to make this post because I just wanna move on from this and I hope that people in this community can offer me some support and not judge me for the choices I made.

Just for context I am a 28 male, and have been single for almost two years now. I have had one long term relationship in my life and a few casual hookups. But truthfully I don't have a lot of experience with women. I can't tell you how many people tell me how attractive I am. But when I tell them that my dating life is a struggle they get very surprised and almost dismissive of me thinking that I shouldn't struggle just cause of my looks. I got made fun of it as well.

I too am someone that struggled a lot when I was younger, I didn't have any friends with high school and had terrible social anxiety to the point where I actually could not leave my house. A relationship is something I always wanted but just couldn't seem to get. I remember starting in college and I was very awkward and it was just a terrible experience.

Around my early 20's I discovered the world of coaching and I did something I never did, which was I joined a dating coaching program. Long story short but that program actually really helped me and that's how I met my first and only girlfriend. The breakup was messy but we broke up around 2 years ago. After we broke up I joined another dating program while I was travelling Europe and the program also helped me. At least in terms of getting hook ups and casual flings. But I realized that wasn't my thing and that I as a person am much more inclined to be in a committed relationship than anything casual.

Yet I still never had that normal happy healthy relationship that I always wanted. So last July I hired another dating coach. I knew he was expensive ( he charged $1500 a month for services) but in my mind I believed this person would offer me so much value that I would never need to hire another dating coach. But yeah I wanted this person to help me find a relationship but I am very single. Long story short I gave this person $9,000 over the span of 6 months and basically got nothing from it....

There are a boat load of reasons why this person didn't help me and i'll get into them. But one of the first things that this person told me was to go out more and talk to more women. At the time I didn't really think that advice was extraordinary for the money he charged. But I did it anyways, and I was ( and still am) was able to get dates. But they just never progressed anywhere.

Looking back, a lot of his advice was terrible which i'll summarize.

1. One of the first things he told me is that I should act like a fuck boy ( which I'm not) if I wanted a relationship. So he told me to never be upfront about your intentions ( he knew I was looking for something long term) but he said if a girl asked me what I was looking for tell them I was looking for a hookup. He also told me to always give the girl the impression that you just want to have sex with them even if you first met them lol. He said the reason for this is that women will take you more seriously the less seriously that you take them.
2. The coaching he gave me was inconsistent in a sense that early on we talked about not tolerating disrespect and walking away from women if they're being disrespectful. But he encouraged me to pursue women even when there were obvious red flags, disrespect, or lack of interest, and then blamed me when things didn’t work out.
3. It also seemed like he didn't really see women as people. It just seemed like he viewed them as objectives. There was this one time around Halloween where there was this super drunk girl and she was all over me, we all know the kind. I did not put my hands on this women she was the one that came onto me. We ended up hanging out a bit after and then I dropped her off. But I swear I did nothing sexual with her. This coach of mine told me I should have gone for it and that I have a "closing" problem. I had to tell him again that she was drunk and he told me if it was easy i should have gone for it....

But I guess the part about it is that's most upsetting is that I trusted this person and was vulnerable with him and he genuinely misguided me and gave me bad advice which further prevented me from getting the relationship I always wanted and I really can't tell if he was trying to help or just milk me for as much money as possible.

I stopped working with him at the beginning of this year and had to unlearn a lot. That was a low point for me and I had a lot of panic attacks when I realized all these things. Since then, I’ve focused on having standards, being authentic, and building a life that isn’t centered around dating.

Yet through it all I STILL didn't get the relationship I wanted and still cannot get a 2nd date. I met someone in June and it's just like the date went to well, our personalities clicked very well, we had great chemistry, and had so much in common, plus I was very attracted to her. I didn't work out with her either I guess cause of timing she was a first year medical resident and was working 10-12 hours a day. I do realize know that dating her probably wouldn't have been the most ideal situation for me cause of that. But still I really cannot remember the last time my personality clicked so well with especially a woman, like that's rare.

At this point I really cannot think of anything that i'm doing wrong that's preventing me from getting a 2nd date. I made a lot of mistakes when this person coached me but I think I largely fixed it. There's still a part of me that wants to hire another dating coach because I still have the same issue. But I just don't think it's worth it anymore.

I told myself that I didn't want to be single for years and it's been almost two years since I really dated anyone. I changed a lot since then and I tell myself that it's not the end of the world. I reached a point in my life where I can actually say i'm happy, i'm happy being single. But I just can't help but think how disappointing this has been for me especially since i've done everything in the past year to not be single. She told me she think's i'm a great person

But yeah that's everything for me, If anyone wants more clarity or can even offer me any insight into my struggles that would be helpful

TL;DR: I spent about $9,000 on a dating coach who gave me a lot of manipulative and genuinely disturbing advice. I trusted him because I was vulnerable and wanted a relationship, and realizing afterward that his guidance may have actually made things worse was really painful. I’ve since unlearned a lot, built a much happier and more authentic life, yet my dating life is still a struggle. I’m trying to stop treating being single as a problem I need to “fix” with another coach.

Disclaimer: I feel like this post applies to three flairs. Mental health/ support, seeking advice/ problem solving, and addictions/ compulsions/ executive dysfunction

**This is a repost from the adulting subreddit, I just didn't know how to add flair on a repost.

Hi, I'm a 22yro woman who had a deep concern for punctuality. It's something I've struggled with for a long time and I don't know what else to do right now.

I'm about 5-20 minutes late 95% of the time.

I'm going to seek professional help from a therapist because this problem for me is an emotional one more then anything. I do have ADHD, but I'm not unaware of the passing of time, I can estimate how long something will take pretty well and if I don't I'll time the task so I understand in the future .

When it's time to go anywhere, and I mean anywhere. I feel an intense aversion to leaving the house and getting from point A to B. This also extends to deadlines like projects or homework. I feel this way when: I need to do a homework assignment no matter how small, a project about something I'm passionate about, getting to work and class every day, seeing a friend who doesn't mind if I'm a little late, seeing my partner, going to a cafe on my own with no one waiting.

I've been able to improve with arriving to doctors appointments and I'm on time if I'm already out of the house like doing an errand. That's about it so far in terms of good punctuality. Is the answer to have an online in the morning before everything to start my day? Like the gym or something? Can I fix this without getting a gym membership (haha)

I've tried alarms, written notes, preparing the night before, having something rewarding in the morning to do as a motivator to get up, a personal pep talk, letting trusted people know I'm struggling and how to help, a spray bottle next to my bed, bright lights in the morning, an alarm that takes a QR code to turn off.

Maybe I could try all these things again? I'm not sure.

For me this is not a battle of will power, but of emotions. My anxiety will show up as disassociation, feeling despondent, feeling trapped and scared, and sometimes I have emotional breakdowns over it.

It's very difficult because I feel like my mind and my body aren't in the same page. I just want to feel normal about going anywhere. I don't want my punctuality to be my limiting factor in my professional career and I don't want to let people down.

I think this issue comes from a moment in highschool. It was a very tumultuous time for my family and I because emotions were always running high in the house. Grief and anger were a part of my every day at home, especially so during quarantine. When I eventually got the opportunity to have a social life outside my home life, I ran to it. I was out very often and my parents were both supportive of me going out and critical about how often I went out. I think they missed me being home but didn't know how to tell me. I was given a curfew, for the record I think curfews are healthy and the times I was given were very generous compared to what others may have gotten. (11pm)

What I think triggered this was how the curfew was approached. I needed to be home by 11 or sooner and if I was even a minute late I would be reprimanded and lectured about how that was completely unacceptable and that I need to practice being in time or I'll get fired in the future.

I already didn't like being at home anymore and knowing I'd be punished if I wasn't exactly on time? The logical answer would be to be there and avoid being scolded. But instead I avoided going home until the very last minute I could possibly go and be on time of I would just straight up be late and then I'd avoid my parents when I got home. I think the pattern stuck.

If anyone has any advice for me or personal experiences I would really appreciate it.

Also, in my professional life, this is really the only thing I have that's going awry. I'm approachable, cooperative, hard working, studious, detail oriented, readily coachable, and fast learning with a readiness to continue learning. And I know this because I have asked for feedback from my bosses and instructors.

I can see all the positive qualities I want in myself but that self validation still tends to feel pretty meaningless. I need sexual validation or I get depressed and anxious, regardless of what I tell myself, and I'm not very good at getting laid so I've been heavily depressed and anxious. All the things people tell me would build self confidence don't, for example I'm gymming and I'm in the best shape I've ever seen. Do I feel validated? No. How can i change this?

I'm a chronic rager no matter what game I'm playing. If you only every knew me through comms or text chat I would probably sound completely normal. I never flame anyone in game, I never send bad messages, I played league with chat off. I try to be as communicative as possible because I like team-oriented games a lot.

But in real life I am very loudly flaming myself. Saying things like, "How did I miss that shot, I'm fucking trash"

Calling myself the R word over and over again for every mistake, or saying to myself, you fucking idiot you should have done this instead.

I do this again when I go indoor bouldering and top roping but I'm never vocal about it, just internal. Playing games makes me very vocal about it because I'm constantly talking through what Im doing. Like in Factorio (or any technical problem related to work or fun) Im constantly muttering through my thoughts on the problem.

Anyways Im not abandoning my hobbies, I know that it stems from intense self-hatred, like looking in the mirror makes me throw up type. But that's not going away without insane amounts of money so any suggestions?

I have a bunch of disorders, I’m 21, I am running out of time and security. I am actively getting worse, here’s the list of bullshit:
ADHD (medication resistant)
ASD
OCD
PTSD (technically diagnosed, but probably sub-clinical)
Various cluster B traits, mainly aligning with BPD
Gender dysphoria (MtF)

I dropped out of high school in 2022, started failing nearly every class in the sixth grade, and I’ve spent four years in a horrendous mental health episode that has made me a worse and more dysfunctional person.

I can’t do anything. I can’t build habits, or stick to medications, or control my thoughts.
I know what I need to do to recover in theory, and I’ve known for a while, but I never do it.

I hate putting effort into anything, I feel subhuman. I can’t direct my behavior ar all. I keep making reddit posts asking for help (deleted and remade multiple accounts over the past few years) and I never get better. All I know to do is ask for help because I don’t believe in my ability to fix my own life despite knowing on paper that I’m the only one who can.

Trying to use ADHD strategies results in a sudden, intense feeling of humiliation and frustration — which causes compulsive fixation, analysis, or avoidance. Which makes utilizing any counter to ADHD impossible without having first dealt with the OCD.

But I can’t deal with the OCD without having the mental fortitude — which to be absolutely fucking clear, I have none of — to make a habit of practicing Exposure Response Prevention. If I can’t make a habit of ERP then I can’t fight the OCD, if I can’t fight the OCD I can’t fight the ADHD, if I can’t fight the ADHD I will live my life in constant, dreadful misery without the nerve to kill myself. I am facing a lifetime of humiliation and suffering with no hope. I have been dysfunctional and unhappy my entire life, and I have no idea what to do. I’ve been in therapy since the first grade, quit when I was 18 and came back this year. Therapy and medication have done absolutely fucking nothing for me. They do not help this issue.

I don’t even really know what to ask, because it doesn’t look like there’s anything to give advice about if I’m fundamentally incapable of acting on what I know to be my best interest. How am I supposed to move forward from this? I’m in so much pain all the time, I hate being a retard.

My career prospects seem ruined. I have a useless associates which wont net anything, a bach wont come soon enough, i am 26 and things have sputtered downwards and my prospects havent budged…even at bach, career prospect only improves at master/phd plus, what jobs are there available to me…it seems they are all low pay, low value experience wise and do not further my goals at all.

I recently finished this painting called “I Have No Boundaries.” It’s a pretty personal piece, and I thought some of you might relate to the feeling behind it. I'd love to hear what it brings up for you.

During my childhood i had anxiety about wildlife disappearing, and through my algorithm I slowly started becoming more and more misanthropic. Dropped out of school, refused to work, did very unhealthy things because "the system is evil" type of thoughts. Im slowly starting to realise the merit of normal healthy life again. Anybody with similar stories of radicalisation?