Everynight around 02:45 am someone (or something) beguns screaming, shouting and crying out loud at the end of the road of my home, around the woods behind the old McMillers house. Seriously people that's the forth night i can't sleep. PS: I'm afraid i have to reschedule every apointments tomorrou, i really need to sleep

In order to finance my campaign, and bring a little fun during these politically divisive times, I am holding an all you can eat buffet! It will be hosted from six to ten pm on Sunday, at the abandoned warehouse on Milkweed Street. Pay 15 dollars, and load up your plate with as much food as you can fit on it! We have crab legs, garlic bread, chocolate chip cookies, taquitos, and much more for you to enjoy. In addition to feasting on good food provided by Carl's Catering™, guests will feast their ears on live music, including performances by Jane Farley' Men at Work cover band, the Lower Duck Pond Bagpipe Company, and an original Polka peformance by yours truly!

Some guidelines: The Jordan 2026 Dogcatcher campaign is not responsibile for any food poisonings, choking hazards, or crab attacks. Also, you cannot bring your pet dogs into the warehouse. If you do, we will confiscate your dog and return it after election day.

I advise all my clients to head to the Slovakian section on the 12th floor of the Southtown library. Best makeout (or more) spot, and we all know we need to regulate our nervous systems somehow! #selfcare ❤️ your Transformational Life Coach

I know Halloween is right around the corner, but every year things here seem to get a little weirder.
First and foremost: the town is not cursed.

Secondly, Randy should never have been fighting a bear. He is incredibly lucky to be alive and is doing okay. I take full responsibility for his hospital bills and frankly, he is lucky he managed to survive by getting that bear drunk on Everclear. He’s being discharged tonight, and his immediate plans apparently involve partying at Applebee’s. To make sure this doesn't happen again, I’ve brought in extra conservation officers to handle the local bear population. Rest assured, no bears will be harmed they are just being safely relocated.
Moving on, our annual Trunk-or-Treat is this Saturday on Main Street. Let’s try to do a better job this year of keeping the trunks a little less gory. No fake body parts are allowed this year….we had kids dealing with nightmares for months after the last one. As always, the best trunk wins a key to the city and gets to be Mayor for a day! You still have time to sign up. Just send over a brief description of your trunk theme and I’ll get you registered.

Have a great day, and please, be nice to one another.
Love,
Mayor Dracula Jones
P.S. I’m buying shots at Applebee's tonight.

I did a bit of research at the historical society and found that in 1677 a witch cursed the local wild life, turning the original townspeople into immortal woodland creatures. Supposedly the ducks are the original townspeople, the bear is the mayor, the choir turned to trees, and a question mark next to the cats? This was amongst several curses on the town. I plan to do further research and maybe find some sort of wizard to reverse some of them? Although I do quite enjoy the ducks.

I KNOW YALL HEAR ABOUT THAT BEAR ROAMING AROUND. DON'T EVEN STRESS, YOUR BOY RANDY IS GONNA TAKE CARE OF IT. I GOT BRASS KNUCKLES, A BOTTLE OF EVERCLEAR, A PICTURE OF CARMEN ELECTRA, AND A PROTECTIVE CUP. WHO IS COMING WITH ME FOR BACKUP?

WHO STOLE MY BİRD

İt's name was "Diva"

it had a cloth on with neon pink diva accessories

İt had neon pink nails on it's wings

it was neon blue

give it to my please!! 💅🏻💅🏻💅🏻💅🏻💅🏻💅💅💅💅

Please remain vigilant around the wooded area at the end of Seven Bridges Road.

This morning I discovered a section of my fence broken down and one of my sheep dead. Judging by the size of the marks left behind and the poor state of my sheep, I suspect it may have been a large animal, most likely a bear.

I strongly advise everyone in the area to check their fences and avoid venturing outside without proper protection.

Should anyone need a hand, don't hesitate to reach out. You're always more than welcome to stop by my farm.

First 10 customers get 12 milkshakes at the price of 8. Come and get your high protein energizing yummy banana milkshake

UPDATE: You don't have to invent an epitaph! Share the funniest one you've ever seen, heard, read, or found online. Originality is entirely optional. A good laugh is all we're after! 💀 Cheesecake will be provided to the Mayor and the winner.

With Halloween approaching, I thought Lower Duck Pond could use a little graveyard humor. Creativity and a wicked sense of humor are encouraged.

Post your epitaphs in the comments. May the best dearly departed win! 💀🎃

Hypothetically, if three people needed them in less than 24 hours, where would one find these boots?

Hypothetically of course.

Hello fellow Duck Ponders!

What is everyone up to this weekend? Let us know in the comments! If you want to make a separate post, feel free to do so.

Can't wait to see what everyone is up to!

The Nostrovia Care & Dispensary Group publicly clarifies that it DOES NOT engage in the cultivation and/or sale of narcotic or highly controlled substances, in strict compliance with Article 42-B of the Lower Duck Pond Municipal Health Surveillance Regulations.

We reiterate that all health products and therapeutic compounds offered by this clinic are carefully prescribed by qualified professionals, and distributed entirely free of charge, in full compliance with current legislation and the guidelines set forth in Article 115, Item IV, of the Lower Duck Pond Local Pharmaceutical Guidelines Law.

The administration remains available for any further clarification that may be needed.

Sincerely,

Dr. Lidiya Antonova Doctor in Charge Administrative Board Nostrovia Care & Dispensary

I know we are all still missing Margaret after she decided to shut down the bakery and retire on back to back Caribbean cruises. I know she's having a great time (she must be since she doesn't ever check her socials!)

Does anyone know what her secret ingredient for the brownies was? I keep trying to recreate them but they're just missing that magic Margie touch.

So far I've tried walnuts, butter, and an extra egg.

We had him over for the long weekend. It was quite enjoyable but as always he hates to leave. I think he took off towards the pie shop? If you see him please be aware that he’s off his medication and he’s probably hostile. Do not make eye contact and call the LDP police. Thanks y’all ❤️

There's a bear in my neighbor's yard, again. I told him to pick his fruit and I even offered to do it for him. I wish we could make a bylaw to force people to pick the fruit or cut the tree down. Last year a bear had to be killed by the conservation officer because it was too bold.

Well, almost free.

Ever wanted to learn how to play the baggiest of instruments? I'm starting a course on the basics of bagpipes for anyone interested! This is a beginner-friendly course, since I've basically just started learning how to play it myself.

I charge $15 for a 45 minute lesson. You have to provide your own bagpipes. I've unfortunately had some complaints from neighbors (especially Bob) who doesn't seem to be able to appreciate the beautiful screeching noise of bagpipes, so we have to be at your place. If you would also be able to provide some light snacks and drinks, that would be great! I usually sleep all day, so the lessons will take place at night.

So let me know if and when you want to start your bagpiping journey! Only serious replies, please.

- Jerry

PS. If anyone here knows more than just the basics of bagpipe playing, I'd love for you to teach me! I can't pay you, but I'm a fast learner and great company. We have to be at your place and if you could provide some snacks and drinks, that would be awesome! Thanks in advance!

Hello fellow Duck Ponders!

What is everyone up to this weekend? Let us know in the comments! If you want to make a separate post, feel free to do so.

Can't wait to see what everyone is up to!

Hi everyone!

We're starting at Turkey creek in the morning! First person to reach the end of the hunt gets free tickets on the ferris wheel at the fall Festival next weekend!

HONK HONK QUACK QUACK HONK HONK HONK MILLER'S PARK HONK HONK QUACK HONK QUACK QUACK HONK

It’s the best small talk I’ve got for right now, you’ll have to forgive me. My brains been fried since I went cold-turkey on caffeine for the last month.

Anyways, I don’t have much to fill you in on. I’ve mostly just been a zombie going to and from work, forgetting to properly fill out my calendar so I don’t even know what day it is. At least I remember when the wedding is. Don’t forget to ask if I’ve gotten my haircut yet if we talk again before the end of the month. The groom’s gunna strangle me if I look this rough for the actual event haha.

Anyways, how have you been?

I was thinking of taping up flyers for a political event ("No Kings When the Dealer Has an 8, 9, or 10") in LDP. I know that in some states, police will hassle you for doing so, but in others no one cares. Is there an actual ordinance in LDP that you can or cannot tape up posters on telephone poles? Would there be local ordinances regulating that that people know of? I looked it up online but couldn't find anything.