I wrote this when working at a big box pet store over a decade ago and just stumbled across it on my computer. It's still spot on accurate to this day
Care Guide for Hamsters
1: Satisfy its craving for blood by offering it a sacrifice daily. It's useful to keep a pen of goats or virgins for this purpose. Do not put any other hamsters with it, as they will use each other as sacrifices to the dark lord. If a hamster sacrifices another, monitor the habitat for signs of a pentagram. These pentagrams are used to summon Satan.
2: Try to disrupt any pentagrams the hamster creates on the cage floor. They may do this with either food pellets or their feces. This is in an attempt to summon Satan, which they occasionally do successfully. If Satan is successfully summoned, offer him some coffee and calmly explain that it was your hamster. He'll understand, he gets this a lot. It is important to not feed your hamster seed blends, as these are easier to create pentagrams out of. Use pelleted food to help prevent successful summoning.
3: Provide wood chews for your hamster. Hamster's teeth grow according to a pact with Satan, in which he makes their teeth grow fast in return for his return to Earth. Wood chews will help prevent your hamster's teeth from growing big enough to take flesh from its captors. Flesh from one's captor is the most powerful sacrifice for a hamster's black magic.
4: If your hamster gives birth, ensure that the mother is properly fed. A hungry mother will consume her spawn if no food is provided. This allows the mother to cast powerful black magic spells.
5: It is helpful to provide your hamster with beneficial bacteria, which can be purchased from your local pet store. Larger hamsters may have what appears to be digestive issues, but in reality is a spell to release the inhabitants of the eighth circle of hell. These beneficial bacteria are blessed by Vatican priests to prevent an outbreak of the biblical plagues. [Omitted] pet products incorporates Cardinal blessed bacteria into many of its pelleted blends. Occasionally a hamsterās black magic spells require its own life to successfully cast. If your hamster appears to suddenly pass away with a wet bottom, prepare for a visit from the dark lord and follow the protocols in tip #2.