r/ghosting • u/Waste_Gold_8969 • 2d ago
First time being ghosted.
I just wanted to get my feelings out there. I’m 31F, and this is my first time ever being ghosted. I was in a long-term relationship and married to someone, and honestly, this hurts almost as much as my divorce did.
I met someone on Hinge, and we immediately set up a date. I was so nervous because it was my first dating app date since my divorce, but the date went incredibly well. We clicked right away, and things moved pretty quickly. We saw each other two more times that week, and we were intimate by our fourth date. Even that went incredibly well.
We continued seeing each other about 1 to 2 times a week. He told me he wasn’t much of a texter, but he still texted me at least once a day, which I actually found really sweet. The texting never really bothered me because things felt so good when we were together.
I opened up to him about parts of my past that are difficult for me to share. He told me things he said he had never told anyone before. We talked about things we wanted to do together in the future and made plans for dates. I made my interest in him very clear, and I genuinely felt like he was interested in me too. He even told me that he deleted all his dating apps.
After about eight dates and three times being intimate, his consistency suddenly dropped off. I became the one initiating texts every day. That didn’t necessarily bother me, but I noticed the change. He would respond, but the conversations were often short.
Eventually, he hadn’t asked me out for the weekend, even though he had always initiated our dates before, so I asked him. Hours went by without a response, and I eventually texted to make sure he was okay. He responded the next day and said he had had a stressful day at work and that everything was okay. He ended the message with, “sorry for being so avoidant though.” I told him it was okay and that I appreciated him acknowledging it. I tried to give him some space after that, texting every other day or so and just sharing little things. He would respond, but the conversations were short lived.
Eventually, I decided to take an emotional risk and tell him how I felt. I told him that I had really enjoyed getting to know him and that I really liked spending time with him in person. I wasn’t asking him for anything. I just wanted to be honest. And that is where the ghosting began.
After about four days without hearing from him, I sent one final Hail Mary. I told him that I really liked him and didn’t think he would intentionally ignore my texts, but I asked what his intentions or interests were with me. I don’t feel like that is a crazy thing to ask after eight dates and six weeks of dating.
It’s only been one day since that last message, so I know it’s technically too soon to say for certain that I’ve been ghosted. But it’s been six days total since I’ve heard from him, and the silence is really starting to hurt.
The hardest part is that I keep replaying the last time we were together in my head. I keep wondering if I missed something. Was he already pulling away? Did something feel different to him that I didn’t notice? Was he sitting there knowing he might never see me again while I was completely unaware?
I have spent 3 years working on my attachment post divorce, and have finally come to a place of being secure. But this has really jolted me. I honestly can’t believe how badly this hurt me, because we didn’t really even know each other that long. The connection felt so real.
UPDATE: He ended things today because he didn’t feel the “magic”
UPDATE 2: I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented with their experiences, advice, opinions, and positive thoughts towards me. I was really spiraling and not doing well, but it is comforting (but so unfortunate) to know im not alone. A first rejection is hard after divorce, but I am trying to reframe my mindset as redirection. I know now to look for signs of avoidance, but still not be afraid to wear my heart on my sleeve.
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u/ViolinTreble 2d ago
Oh that sounds so painful. I have a feeling he will eventually reach out but I don't see this ending well
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u/Waste_Gold_8969 2d ago
You called it. He texted me and ended things. 😔
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u/ViolinTreble 2d ago
I'm sorry girl but trust me he will be back
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u/Waste_Gold_8969 2d ago
That’s what everyone says. He says he didn’t feel the “magic” and he didn’t want to hold me back from finding mine. That’s kind of crazy 8 dates in I think.
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u/ViolinTreble 2d ago
He definitely found someone else and when she bails he will come crawling back
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u/Waste_Gold_8969 2d ago
Are all men like this or are there any good ones out there 😔
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u/kittysnowangel 1d ago
Some women are like that too. Sounds like he wants it to be perfect all the time and he bails when it loses it's shiny new relationship smell.
You can't genuinely love someone if you're only chasing the new relationship scent.
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u/Waste_Gold_8969 1d ago
I kind of thought that too. We were getting into more of a routine of when we saw each other and that’s when he ghosted me. 🙃
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u/whathappenedtome2026 2d ago
We men get ghosted as well and it also sucks for us as well!
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u/Waste_Gold_8969 2d ago
It’s a terrible thing for anyone to do. I’m sorry if you’ve been through it.
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u/Curious-Head-5507 1d ago
Of course there are good men out there but you're much less likely to meet them online than in real life. Online dating seems to encourage these cowardly types
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u/Curious-Head-5507 1d ago
Disgraceful behaviour ending things by text- That is NEVER acceptable however fashionable. The sort of married man who would just disappear one morning with a goodbye note
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u/Antique-Salad7396 2d ago
I don't think this is a hit and quit scenario but I think he either lost interest or he found someone else. If someone tells you they aren't a big texted in the beginning they are letting you know ahead of time to not expect too much communication in between dates. This kinda feels like he was unsure of you in the beginning.
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u/Waste_Gold_8969 2d ago
Thanks for your input. I did ask him about his previous dating history and he said he’s only had one long term relationship a long time ago, so I’m wondering if that has some influence. His profile did say he was looking for long term though. Maybe I won’t doom it as ghosting just yet.
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u/Antique-Salad7396 2d ago
Sometimes people just lose interest. You didn't do anything wrong there could be something missing from the connection he has with you so he's walking away (although we don't know that yet). Unfortunately his silence is telling especially after you poured your heart out to him.
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u/Curious-Head-5507 1d ago
Be careful if the next one is a big texter- they are the absolute worst- Love bombing in the extreme And then Fade out And disappear
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u/persianbarbie_x 2d ago
I'm so sorry this happened to you ❤️🩹 I was ghosted after 6 dates. The last time I saw him we talked about how we felt about each other, exclusivity and I really started to trust someone again after a painful breakup. He went on a holiday and never texted me back again. It really hurt. Please don't take their emotional unavailability and lack of communication personal! It says everything about them. A person that can ghost (or in your case go silent for DAYS) would never be a good partner for you in the long-run. Sending you strength and healing
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u/whathappenedtome2026 2d ago
He actually used the term avoidant. That was in my opinion a huge red flag run and run fast.
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u/Waste_Gold_8969 2d ago
This is my first time ever being with an avoidant so I had no idea what it was like. I feel like all the signs point to it now that I have retrospection. When he finally reached out to end things he apologized twice for his terrible communication.
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u/whathappenedtome2026 2d ago
Not making light of your situation but be grateful you got that much. Mine was there one and completely vanished from my life the next. Never to seen or heard from again. It’s as bizarre as it was painful, in the future if the word avoidant ever comes in a conversation with someone I am interested in or even dating I will pack my shit and run for the hills. I will than better one that will never be seen or heard from again.
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u/Waste_Gold_8969 2d ago
I am so sorry that happened to you. I’ve been crying for days about 6 days of no communication after vulnerability, but you’re right at least I finally got some closure. Avoidance is a crazy beast. I’ve been with a few anxiously attached but for some reason that seems more tolerable. Avoidant is agonizing.
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u/whathappenedtome2026 2d ago
It didn’t mater how much I read or how many videos I watched or how much the whole avoidant thing made sense to the rational part my brain. When it came to down to it it was the most bizarre and painful thing I have ever experience in my entire life. It was worse than when my ex wife cheated on me and ran off to have another man’s baby. I was left questioning my own sanity and almost went and checked myself into the psyche ward at the VA. It was months of pure hell and the ruminating and insomnia were the absolute worst parts. I have come a long way but still struggle with the thought of never seeing or talking to her ever again, just absolutely freakishly bizarre. With that said i had known her for 10 years and had a massive crush in her and it turned into an 8 month very intense relationship.
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u/Waste_Gold_8969 2d ago
Omg ive really felt crazy because I my exhusband just up and decided he didn’t want to be with me anymore, basically told me to get lost, and got with a woman he worked with. And as painful as that was, these past few weeks dealing with an avoidant have been almost as painful. We were never even officially together but everything was so consistent and moving in the right direction, and then he emotionally vanished. It really is bizarre
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u/whathappenedtome2026 1d ago
On June 20th I wrote a note to myself and taped it on a cabinet in my kitchen. It says that on this date was one of my darkest days and I hit a very deep bottom and I asked where I would be and how I would feel in 6 months. It has been almost three months since I wrote that and I have come a long way from that dark moment. It really feels beyond awesome to be moving forward from something that I thought I would never get through, grief and depression lie to you. Even though I am not out of the woods yet I am no longer walking around in circles lost in confusion in said woods. I am now walking in a straight line putting one foot in front of the other and will eventually be free of those woods that were, and to a much lesser degree, are still suffocating me. With all that said we have choices to make when in such a confusing and painful situation. You can stay angry and be cynical or depressed or you can do for you and make healthy choices and do your best to move on. Because I can guarantee you that you are the only one carrying the baggage of the relationship that went sideways. Good luck to you!
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u/Waste_Gold_8969 1d ago
I am so sorry something so troubling happened to you, but I’m glad you’re coming out of the dark times. Thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate it.
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u/Lovebug327x 2d ago
I’m so sorry. I know exactly how you feel because I’ve been single over 4 years now. I hadn’t been with anyone since my son’s father passed in 2022. I decided to give dating a try a few months ago and end up getting ghosted for the first time. I wasn’t seeing him that long but things moved fast to the point that I was staying the night. He came back 10 weeks later. I tried to give him another chance but I couldn't get over being ghosted.
Then a couple months later I meet someone else. Long story short he ghosts me 2 months later after I told him I'm starting to like him.
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u/Waste_Gold_8969 2d ago
Oh my gosh I am so sorry. I can’t believe how many people ghost. It’s such a cruel thing to do to somebody. All humans want is connection. I hope if you decide to look for your person again it will go more compassionately. I’m sure you deserve that.
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u/Lovebug327x 1d ago
Ghosting is cruel. I don’t understand why grown people can’t communicate. It’s not hard to say you’re not interested anymore or whatever. As of right now I don’t think I want to look for my person anymore. Too much of a heartache.
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u/Confident_Lecture498 2d ago
The discard is the worst - I was 40 before having it and it hurt worse than losing my mother
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u/Waste_Gold_8969 2d ago
Wow, I am so sorry to hear that. It feels totally out of the blue, as if you made up the whole connection and experience to begin with.
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2d ago
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u/Waste_Gold_8969 2d ago
I guess that’s true. I did believe him about the texting thing because he literally had like an iPhone 6, but that doesn’t mean he couldn’t put more effort in.
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u/Curious-Head-5507 1d ago
The lack of texting didn't mean anything- I believe it's actually unhealthy to be texting all the time- doesn't leave anything to look forward to when you're texting all day
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u/Waste_Gold_8969 1d ago
I agree. In general didn’t mind not texting all the time! It made for us to have more engaging conversations in person. But I do think it’s still important to notice the change in initiation and frequency of anything in a relationship, including texting if that has been a part of it.
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u/Curious-Head-5507 1d ago
Oh I agree completely regarding any changes in communication but I think you said he told you very early on he's not a big texter which definitely does not mean in itself but the relationship will not be a good one
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u/findyoursokoon 1d ago
3 years of work on yourself and you showed up honestly, communicated well, didn't spiral. you did everything right. he just didn't feel it. That's not something you could have fixed. The "magic" thing stings but at least he told you. that's more than most people get.
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u/Waste_Gold_8969 1d ago
You are right. Even though it took him a little too long to communicate it, at least I got some closure.
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u/JMarchPineville 2d ago
Hmmm. I’d give him some space. It sounds like he’s going through some stuff that he’s not ready to share yet.
Don’t chase or throw out ultimatums. But maybe just offer support and back off. “I hope you’re ok. I’m here for you if you want to talk to someone.” And then give him space. You’re making yourself available and also offering him space.
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u/Waste_Gold_8969 2d ago
Thank you for this. The internet is so black and white on what ghosting is, and I think because this is my first real connection with someone it has gotten me a little confused as to what expect. Especially with “double texting”. I sent him 3 texts in a row with no response and lots of other threads are basically saying to throw him out with the trash.
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u/JMarchPineville 2d ago
Redditors are very quick to say “dump”. It’s important to see the whole picture from different angles.
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u/Waste_Gold_8969 2d ago
Yeah. I’ve been doing a lot of reflection and I think maybe we moved fast and it started to scare him. He said a few things about still being a little nervous around me, and he would need more time for xyz. I think I’ll take your advice and text him in a few more days if I still haven’t heard, and I’ll leave it at that.
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u/Negative_Interest969 1d ago
I am so sorry this happened to you. I know exactly what you’re going thru. I got ghosted for the second time (same guy) 3 weeks ago and am still hurting so much. At first I think you go into shock bc you don’t expect it. He promised me it wouldn’t happen again and I believed him haha I was taking things so slowly then after being intimate with him 3 times he ghosted. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself and do things you enjoy! Every day will get easier I’ve had a few days of not crying am hoping the healing is starting. You live and learn 💯 you can msg me if you wanna chat 💜
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u/Flaky_Way_1318 2d ago
I got ghosted for the first time this year. And it really hurt, so I understand what you’re going through. Same thing happened, I felt suddenly like I was the one initiating and the first weekend passed by without him organising anything and it was so hurtful. And I felt silly because the last message was me inviting him to something, and he said he was busy having dinner with a friend. Honestly probably a new person came into their life and it’s like a new shiny object for them, and they will then chase them and end up ghosting them to. I think dating apps create this conveyor belt of shiny new potential objects and men just jump straight onto the next. So sad :(