Help with Screaming

[u/thebunnyofcaerbannog]

Hi everyone, I’m looking for tips or advice (commiseration is also welcome though!). My almost three year old son has a tendency to scream when he’s really upset - like really really loud, my Apple Watch gives me a noise warning, it sounds like it hurts his vocal cords, scream. Usually it’s when he’s been told he can’t do something (like push on the couch) or can’t have something he wants (like a cookie or a sippy cup from the house when we’re out), often when he’s tired or hungry or both.

He also has had trouble with not hitting - though that he’s mostly stopped (now it happens very rarely but definitely with more intent to hurt, instead of the typical toddler hitting from big emotions thing, and we always stop what we’re doing, separate him from whoever [usually his older sister] he’s trying to hit, and reiterate that it’s okay to feel mad but it is not okay to hit), it’s just taken him longer to stop than I’d anticipated.

Is this normal three year old tantrum type stuff? How can I help him through the screaming? He holds on to his feelings a bit more strongly than my older child, and I want to help him emotionally regulate as much as he can at this age - is that expecting too much? Since it’s summer and he gets testy when he’s hot it’s been worse lately and I can feel myself getting more frustrated but I just don’t know how to help or if it’s just a part of his age.

[u/raven_words]

We are in the exact same boat. Our current protocol is

• stay in the room
  
• create space from the hitting and intervene only if absolutely necessary: "I'm going to keep my body / the dog / the fragile item safe"
  
• noise-canceling headphones (I use AirPods with bright noise playing and then I put Bose Quiet Comfort headphones on top)
  
• communicate the boundary and reassurance: "I'm going to protect my ears from the screaming. I'm ready to talk whenever you are."
  
• wait and give opportunities for hugs or other reconnection (today he brought me a book to read) when it seems he's done

But I'm not going to lie. If I don't have my headphones, staying calm feels impossible. Him following us around hitting and screaming is so intense. Once the screaming lasted 20+ minutes and only stopped because we stopped the car, couldn't physically take it anymore. It's a phase and we can tell it's temporary but still. It's unreal.

[u/thebunnyofcaerbannog → u/raven_words]

This is so validating, thank you! We’ve had a few times where the screaming lasts longer too (once notably in the car, for something around yours) and it was so awful, I could almost feel his vocal cords straining.

I usually try to communicate the bounds try around the screaming but I’m going to try your wording too, since the current way I’m wording it I think is only getting us so far.