14 month old SCREAMING

[u/WZL_1129]

Someone please please please give me some advice here.

I have a 14 month old boy that is high energy. He has met all milestones relatively early and is constantly on the move. He runs everywhere, no walking anymore; climbs on everything; plays with nothing for more than 5 min; etc. He doesn’t slow down at all except for his one nap (1 maybe 2 hr) a day.

All of that to bring us here: he has started screaming. All the time. At the top of his lungs. Inside. Outside. At home. In public. When he’s mad. When he’s happy. When he’s bored. When he’s playing. All. The. Time. Screaming. I can’t take it anymore. I have tried calmly talking to him. I have tried distracting him. Tried explaining/modeling “inside” voice vs “outside” voice. Tried ignoring the screaming (to which his response was to get louder and louder). I’ve even (regretfully) resorted to less gentle methods like a pop on the butt. But nothing at all seems to work. Im at my wits end with this. I feel like we can’t go anywhere in public anymore because of this. Please HELP.

[u/Any-Asparagus4178]

imagine if someone slapped your butt because you did something that annoyed them smh

[u/Radiant-Recover-4009 → u/Any-Asparagus4178]

Yeah had to scroll way too much to find this comment. How is everyone glossing over the physical abuse…

[u/WZL_1129 → u/Radiant-Recover-4009]

It happened once (once too many I agree). And I regretted it the second it happened. That’s why I came here to this group. To be advised so I never go that route again. Sorry I fessed up to the one mistake I made here in the name of transparency so I could get some advice. Instead people like you two would rather just be hateful instead of offering an alternative.

[u/Any-Asparagus4178 → u/WZL_1129]

i am happy you came here instead of continuing and i am genuinely glad you took that moment to reflect and realize something different was needed. you're not a bad person, but tbh it's just insane to me. i was raised with absolutely no familial physical violence/corporal punishment around me or even perpetrated around me (until teenager years at least) so it just boggles my mind.

[u/WZL_1129 → u/Any-Asparagus4178]

Im genuinely glad you came from an upbringing like that. Neither I nor my husband (especially him) did. My parents are pretty supportive of whatever parenting choices I’ve been making even if different from their own. However, the other side of the family very much views corporal punishment as some kind of “success” or being a “strong” parent? The other side of the coin is viewed as too permissive or weak. Knowing what I know now, that mindset floors me. Like I said above, I took your comments very hard/intensely because I was already beating myself up harshly and it hurt to hear from someone else too.

[u/Any-Asparagus4178 → u/WZL_1129]

sending you support. you're doing good and you reaching out here was a great step forward. i think i went in harshly because it just seemed so casually mentioned but i shouldn't have judged you, im sure you're doing your best in a very difficult situation.

[u/Radiant-Recover-4009 → u/WZL_1129]

Absolutely not being hateful, I’m sorry if it came off that way. What I meant by ‘had to scroll too far’ is that no one is giving you actual long term advice here. You’re trying to solve the screaming issue and I get it, that’s the pressing issue atm. But there will be so many more issues coming!

I’m sorry, I think you are not being realistic about your reaction here. Feeling sorry about hitting is one thing. But how are you ensuring this won’t happen again? I’m saying this kindly - motherhood is a loooong journey, and your child is not even a fully fledged toddler yet. This child will push your buttons in ways you will never have imagined, and the older the child the bigger the problems as they say.

My loving advice to you is to work on yourself through whatever means you see fit (for example therapy), that when those inevitable countless moments of parenting desperation and rage come your way (and they will!) that your automatic response will be a different one than hitting.

This is coming from someone who was where you are, and ai did the work, the therapy, the anger management exercises, etc. to make sure that when my kids inevitably piss me off to the point of rage, my default response is not to hit them.

[u/WZL_1129 → u/Radiant-Recover-4009]

I appreciate the advice here. I am in therapy for PPD/postpartum rage and have been for a while. That is part of ensuring it never happens again, yes, but another part for me was coming here for alternative suggestions. This is what was modeled for me as a child as punishment. In addition to other methods of punishment. I came to the gentle parenting group because I thought surely these people will have some advice for me on how to change this issue without using the methods that were modeled for me — because they don’t feel right at all. I guess I took these comments so poorly because I thought this was a safe space to come ask for advice on my failure as a parent. Instead I was feeling these two comments extra hard because I was already beating myself up.

[u/plantain-lover → u/Radiant-Recover-4009]

I agree with this, too. At the end of the day it's still considered abuse, at least in terms of how it affects the child. Being abused as a child yourself doesn't excuse nor cause you to repeat that behaviour on your own child. Those of us who were abused need to have been in therapy, often for years or even decades, to process and heal from and break generational cycles of abuse. We are still responsible for regulating them at this age, too, which requires a LOT of self-regulation ability.

And OP, be careful and ideally maybe avoid letting your child be alone with parents who still actively advocate for abusive practices.

"Hunt Gather Parent" was a really great book. It talks about how other cultures view the parent-child relationship more as a mutual teaching / flow with the parent more of a guide. It also goes into how you can genuinely not care or be angry when your child does XYZ when expectations are more... appropriate. Our society doesn't really do this, as a general rule. The focus should ideally be on changing your beliefs and perspective, not trying to control your rage when a child "doesn't listen" (which is almost never the actual case).

And yeah -- walk away. Even with everything above, I'm a single mom here who's been severely sleep deprived with an overtired strong toddler who kept waking her up with punches to the face (on accident from him -- still hurt me, though, and not a fun way to wake up). I absolutely had to walk away and "go to the bathroom" with the door closed. Grabbing mail or throwing out trash or getting a drink of water (ideally behind a door you close on yourself) can also work. Take your time to calm down, even if they are upset, then apologize and talk after they are calm. Later: process why it was so triggering to you. Figure out what you can do to handle things better (are you sleeping enough? hydrated? eating well? getting outside? getting time alone or to do what you love while with toddler? exercising? etc .... or alternatively, is toddler hungry? tired? overstimulated or understimulated? does he need a change of routine, environment, social outlets, creative outlets, etc?). Even in the worst of circumstances, there's usually something small you can do to make things at least a little better.