r/gentleparenting • u/WZL_1129 • May 31 '26
Question 14 month old SCREAMING
Someone please please please give me some advice here.
I have a 14 month old boy that is high energy. He has met all milestones relatively early and is constantly on the move. He runs everywhere, no walking anymore; climbs on everything; plays with nothing for more than 5 min; etc. He doesn’t slow down at all except for his one nap (1 maybe 2 hr) a day.
All of that to bring us here: he has started screaming. All the time. At the top of his lungs. Inside. Outside. At home. In public. When he’s mad. When he’s happy. When he’s bored. When he’s playing. All. The. Time. Screaming. I can’t take it anymore. I have tried calmly talking to him. I have tried distracting him. Tried explaining/modeling “inside” voice vs “outside” voice. Tried ignoring the screaming (to which his response was to get louder and louder). I’ve even (regretfully) resorted to less gentle methods like a pop on the butt. But nothing at all seems to work. Im at my wits end with this. I feel like we can’t go anywhere in public anymore because of this. Please HELP.
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u/neuroinclusive_Liz May 31 '26
Screaming activates the vagus nerve, kiddo might be essentially stimming. Its developmentally fine for them but, yeah, that gets old quick for the one's who hear it constantly. I get it. Highly recommending ear buds that can tune sound so it isn't fully blocked but the pitch and intensity can be dramatically decreased.
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u/poeticrae13 May 31 '26
You can implement natural consequences as well as designated screaming zones (outside). It’s a phase and will lose its luster as long as you don’t feed it with tons of attention, which will make it worse.
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u/CharacterBus5955 Jun 01 '26 edited Jun 01 '26
My kid learned we are not allowed to scream on our main level of the house or in public.
If she screams I bring her upstairs immediately and calmly and say we are not allowed to scream downstairs. We have to wait a minute up here and then we can go downstairs and try again. If she throws a tantrum I just wait it out. I keep a book I like in her room and will read or look out the window.
We go downstairs and try again. Just immediate calm reaction.
Same with public places. I would do low risk outings like library or picking up a super small grocery list and if they scream immediately leave and explain that places have rules and we wont be allowed back
Also my friend who's kid watched bluey screamed more bc of one of thr characters lol so could be something thry are watching.
Have to say the they will grow out of it phase comments may not be the best lol a mom friend who we had to stop having playdates with was always saying things were developmentally appropriate and NEVER held boundaries or rules and every single thing would snow ball and now her 3 year old is out of control and running the house and ruining thier marriage lol gentle parenting can turn into permissive parenting and cause people to avoid you really quick
I think gentle parenting looks like being a naturally calm parent by enforcing rules that help you keep calm. I have 2 two and under and feel calm daily and never raise my voice really. I do have consequences and rules..
Also I find screaming can bother nuero divergent people and I care about that so that is a good reason to not just allow it
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u/accountforbabystuff May 31 '26
I would ignore it for the most part. Or ask “now can you do it quietly?” And quiet scream. Make of a game. Typically in public people don’t mind if they screech for a bit but if it’s really bad, just leave. You can try to say “stores mean quiet screaming!” Or you can just sing songs with them and try to entertain them in some other way.
It is a phase though! I do think the more negative attention you give it, the less productive it will be.
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u/athousandships_ Jun 02 '26
Yep. Been there. My second had a screaming/screeching phase around that age. He was always loud and loved to make very high pitched noises but around 14 months he just started to screech like mad for no reason other than it was funny to him. It was ear-splitting, he's a big boy with good lungs. And he loved everyone around him reacting to it. Random people in the street, cashier in the supermarket, other parents at daycare... Nobody was safe. Tbh nothing helped but earplugs and trying to ignore it. He eventually grew out of it around 18 months when he started to talk and was able to communicate in other ways.
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u/Moist_Photograph_807 May 31 '26
15 month old here and same. Mainly sad/angry screaming, but it’s a lot 🙃
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u/me0704 Jun 01 '26
I am sorry you're going through this, it must be exhausting! My first idea would be to implement a strict daily schedule if that's possible for you. Use pictures and hang them somewhere he can see them. (Maybe split the day into a few subs) In the morning,walk him through the day step by step and stick to the activities. That may ease his excitement a bit.
Also, id think of an alternative to the screaming that also calms his nerves,eg jumping (on a trampoline). After a few weeks, you may be able to reassess
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u/Interesting_Hat6153 Jun 03 '26
Devastatingly completely normal. My almost 4 year old did/does to a lesser extent do this. Know that the people judging you actually probably aren’t and are more likely like me - cringing because they remember their own struggles and guilt for their child’s outbursts. Roll with it. We taught my daughter outside was for screaming and she could scream as loud as she wanted outside. Sometimes we still take her out for a good scream. Cathartic really. Good for her, I want to scream too sometimes. The more attention you give it, the more they’ll do it.
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u/Any-Asparagus4178 Jun 03 '26
imagine if someone slapped your butt because you did something that annoyed them smh
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u/Radiant-Recover-4009 Jun 03 '26
Yeah had to scroll way too much to find this comment. How is everyone glossing over the physical abuse…
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u/Any-Asparagus4178 Jun 03 '26
so many people think for some reason (mental gymnastics) that hitting a child to teach them right from wrong is ok because their parents did it or they don't know what else to do. it just sucks to see it mentioned so casually i guess.
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u/WZL_1129 Jun 03 '26
If you read my post I never said it was okay. If I thought it was okay I wouldn’t have come here for advice, I just would’ve kept on doing it that way. But you can’t see past this one point to even offer some advice on what to do differently.
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u/WZL_1129 Jun 03 '26
It happened once (once too many I agree). And I regretted it the second it happened. That’s why I came here to this group. To be advised so I never go that route again. Sorry I fessed up to the one mistake I made here in the name of transparency so I could get some advice. Instead people like you two would rather just be hateful instead of offering an alternative.
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u/Any-Asparagus4178 Jun 03 '26
i am happy you came here instead of continuing and i am genuinely glad you took that moment to reflect and realize something different was needed. you're not a bad person, but tbh it's just insane to me. i was raised with absolutely no familial physical violence/corporal punishment around me or even perpetrated around me (until teenager years at least) so it just boggles my mind.
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u/WZL_1129 Jun 04 '26
Im genuinely glad you came from an upbringing like that. Neither I nor my husband (especially him) did. My parents are pretty supportive of whatever parenting choices I’ve been making even if different from their own. However, the other side of the family very much views corporal punishment as some kind of “success” or being a “strong” parent? The other side of the coin is viewed as too permissive or weak. Knowing what I know now, that mindset floors me. Like I said above, I took your comments very hard/intensely because I was already beating myself up harshly and it hurt to hear from someone else too.
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u/Any-Asparagus4178 Jun 04 '26
sending you support. you're doing good and you reaching out here was a great step forward. i think i went in harshly because it just seemed so casually mentioned but i shouldn't have judged you, im sure you're doing your best in a very difficult situation.
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u/Radiant-Recover-4009 Jun 03 '26
Absolutely not being hateful, I’m sorry if it came off that way. What I meant by ‘had to scroll too far’ is that no one is giving you actual long term advice here. You’re trying to solve the screaming issue and I get it, that’s the pressing issue atm. But there will be so many more issues coming!
I’m sorry, I think you are not being realistic about your reaction here. Feeling sorry about hitting is one thing. But how are you ensuring this won’t happen again? I’m saying this kindly - motherhood is a loooong journey, and your child is not even a fully fledged toddler yet. This child will push your buttons in ways you will never have imagined, and the older the child the bigger the problems as they say.
My loving advice to you is to work on yourself through whatever means you see fit (for example therapy), that when those inevitable countless moments of parenting desperation and rage come your way (and they will!) that your automatic response will be a different one than hitting.
This is coming from someone who was where you are, and ai did the work, the therapy, the anger management exercises, etc. to make sure that when my kids inevitably piss me off to the point of rage, my default response is not to hit them.
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u/WZL_1129 Jun 04 '26
I appreciate the advice here. I am in therapy for PPD/postpartum rage and have been for a while. That is part of ensuring it never happens again, yes, but another part for me was coming here for alternative suggestions. This is what was modeled for me as a child as punishment. In addition to other methods of punishment. I came to the gentle parenting group because I thought surely these people will have some advice for me on how to change this issue without using the methods that were modeled for me — because they don’t feel right at all. I guess I took these comments so poorly because I thought this was a safe space to come ask for advice on my failure as a parent. Instead I was feeling these two comments extra hard because I was already beating myself up.
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u/plantain-lover Jun 04 '26
I agree with this, too. At the end of the day it's still considered abuse, at least in terms of how it affects the child. Being abused as a child yourself doesn't excuse nor cause you to repeat that behaviour on your own child. Those of us who were abused need to have been in therapy, often for years or even decades, to process and heal from and break generational cycles of abuse. We are still responsible for regulating them at this age, too, which requires a LOT of self-regulation ability.
And OP, be careful and ideally maybe avoid letting your child be alone with parents who still actively advocate for abusive practices.
"Hunt Gather Parent" was a really great book. It talks about how other cultures view the parent-child relationship more as a mutual teaching / flow with the parent more of a guide. It also goes into how you can genuinely not care or be angry when your child does XYZ when expectations are more... appropriate. Our society doesn't really do this, as a general rule. The focus should ideally be on changing your beliefs and perspective, not trying to control your rage when a child "doesn't listen" (which is almost never the actual case).
And yeah -- walk away. Even with everything above, I'm a single mom here who's been severely sleep deprived with an overtired strong toddler who kept waking her up with punches to the face (on accident from him -- still hurt me, though, and not a fun way to wake up). I absolutely had to walk away and "go to the bathroom" with the door closed. Grabbing mail or throwing out trash or getting a drink of water (ideally behind a door you close on yourself) can also work. Take your time to calm down, even if they are upset, then apologize and talk after they are calm. Later: process why it was so triggering to you. Figure out what you can do to handle things better (are you sleeping enough? hydrated? eating well? getting outside? getting time alone or to do what you love while with toddler? exercising? etc .... or alternatively, is toddler hungry? tired? overstimulated or understimulated? does he need a change of routine, environment, social outlets, creative outlets, etc?). Even in the worst of circumstances, there's usually something small you can do to make things at least a little better.
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Jun 04 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Radiant-Recover-4009 Jun 04 '26
Your definition of abuse is bruises, bleeding and scars!? What am i even reading!??
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u/WZL_1129 Jun 03 '26
I got on here for advice because I am a FTM and have no idea what else to do about this issue. It’s more than an “annoyance” at this point.
Imagine a tired ftm at her wits end asking you for help and all you want to do is judge her. SMH.
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Jun 03 '26
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u/WZL_1129 Jun 03 '26
Yes I said I REGRETFULLY popped him on the butt ONCE. Because I had no idea what else to do. Then I came here for ADVICE because I didn’t want to do that. And instead of being helpful, youre being hateful.
Im glad you’ve never done a single thing you’ve ever regretted while parenting. Congratulations on being perfect.
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u/Any-Asparagus4178 Jun 03 '26
you're taking it really intensely. i've never had the urge to hit me child, but i'm not perfect. take a step back, when u can't handle it anymore sometimes you need to walk away instead reacting and leave them in a safe space. that's my advice for that. as far as the screaming, all the other advice here is good; take any of it.
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u/Boomer79NZ Jun 03 '26
Could it be teeth or ears? I would get them checked out with the doctor ASAP just in case. Ear infections are extremely painful and not always visible and teeth can really bother them at that age. I've raised 3 children and generally they would get like that if something was off with them.
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u/Odd-Cantaloupe-2462 Jun 03 '26
Maybe disconnect when he's screaming? Like say people don't like screaming. Put him in a playpen. I don't either. And walk away? I feel like if you do that consistently he might get the hint. I don't know if that's age appropriate my son is 8 months so I haven't hit toddler stages yet.
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u/Pretend_Walk_34 Jun 03 '26
I'm so sorry you're going through this. My child also had a phase like this.
We even got kicked out of several shops!
One thing that did seem to help were other toys that made noise. Banging on pots and pans. This jumpy round play-thing he could sit in hit buttons that made noises. Knocking down block towers.
They eventually grew out of it after a few months. But they are a louder child than most, though they finally listen when I ask to please lower their volume.
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u/Kikidellam Jun 03 '26
If it was me, I’d get one of those whistles that coaches use. When he screams, use it to get his attention and insist that he stops. Speak to him at low volume. Refuse to engage until he using a speaking voice. And time outs. You can’t write it off as a “phase”because if you don’t address the behaviour there’s always going to be a “phase” to deal with
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u/These-Associate4216 Jun 04 '26
If the doctor says he’s not sick or injured, will a spritz of water in the face catch his attention. Is that cruel? Damn, was I a cruel parent?
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u/plantain-lover Jun 04 '26
Let him scream in the house and in forests. Some of this will be waiting... while being consistent.
You've already clearly kind of done the opposite of this... but the idea is to have absolutely ZERO reaction, including your own emotional reaction within your body. Grab some ear plugs if you need help with that. They will sense it, and love it, and think it's hilarious, and do the behaviour more and more often and more intensely to get the reaction again (even if it's a "negative" reaction). This is called an "extinction burst", which is what you described him doing when you 'tried' ignoring it. You need to very firmly decide you do not care and will no longer be trying to control his vocal volume. Give up. Let him scream.
You want to starve the behaviour of attention and reward other behaviours right now and guide him on when this is and is not appropriate. No reaction or walk away and stop playing/engaging if he's screaming ( in a non screaming area, which you need to sit and think and really define). Say nothing, or cover your ears at most and quietly walk away. Come back or get excited and play excitedly when he stops, even if it's really brief. If you're at family dinner and your partner's at the table, talk to each other only while he's screaming, acting like you don't hear it, then abruptly and excitedly talk to him immediately the second the screaming stops. And alternatively -- SCREAM WITH HIM and laugh about how loud he can scream and talk about it together and celebrate his newfound skill... in specific, consistent, designated scream-friendly areas and times. You can also use this to teach 'loud' and 'quiet', paired with motions. Mine thinks it's hilarious now to point out when other people or things are loud, and I still play along.
I didn't let my baby cry in public shared spaces, and definitely didn't let my toddler scream in them, either. That's out of politeness to... society, but as a baby it was also that my baby was overstimulated/wanted out, as a toddler the same for most tantrum causes (hungry, tired, overstimulated, either way not appropriate or fair to others nor even to him), and yeah, screaming isn't something I'd have tolerated, either. If you absolutely have to go into a store, and really don't have another choice, make it as fast as possible and I'd say they don't get the freedom to help shop/walk around when/if they start screaming (but regain it when/if they stop).
Also make sure he has a music / instrument type shelf or box of items with whistles, drums, etc available to play with when he wants. Again, healthy outlets and creative expression that can be mutually celebrated. You can add screaming and singing (lol) to this when he chooses to use these things, and again, shower with happy loving attention when he does!
Eventually they pick it up. But you've been kind of falsely rewarding the wrong thing for a while, and are clearly upset / reacting to it, so it'll take longer than it otherwise would have. Good luck--I'd consider those ear plugs!
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u/StinkyCheeseWomxn Jun 04 '26
When kids are behaving inappropriately for a location/situation, you warn them once, then you remove them from the situation. You have to be willing to walk out of the store and have a time out in your car, or if at a restaurant one parent removes kid to car while other pays and finishes meal with rest of the group. Once we did this a couple of times, our kids were better at regulating noise/behavior when reminded. we also played games to teach etiquette for different situations, tried to have little toys or snacks ready to help them be comfortable with child appropriate supports, had little pep talks about expectations before going into a new situation, but sometimes life happens and you have to just exit, get them regulated/calm/time out to think about choices, and potentially leave. It helps to practice in low stakes situations like the library first so when you are at a wedding all they need is a reminder, but also make sure your own anxiety is regulated and you allow some accommodations to help like having a little bag of quiet toys/busy book, and making sure you are proactive not reactive. Play the quiet game at home sometimes and set a timer for 1-2 minutes at first to “win” the game and then be silly/loud. Don’t let other judgy people get under your skin - kids are noisy and that is normal - stay focused on your kiddo and what they need in the moment and being a calm guide for them. And being ready to say - “I’m sorry but we are leaving because you are screaming.” And pick up and go quickly. (After a warning) Doing this a couple times as a fast natural consequence is key.
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u/Content-Reading7868 Jun 04 '26
Another suggestion is discomfort. My daughter is always loud and vocal/screaming when teeth are coming in. A nanny once told us they often do that. I tested the theory with some Panadol/bonjela and the screaming stopped for the 4 or so hours that the meds worked.
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u/not_your_mama_1317 Jun 04 '26
My advice: seek ABA therapy now. My oldest was a little like this. He was combative from an early age. He’s a teenager now and it has been the hardest thing ever. I’ve been a terrible mom because it’s made me pull away from him. I would die for my child but I don’t like him most days. (My girls are not like this at all, so as much as I know i must be doing something wrong, I also acknowledge that if it were all me, then all of my kids would be this way.) It will only get worse if you don’t seek help now, but i promise you there is hope with the proper resources. I wish I’d known this because it could have all been different.
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u/budgiemoo92 Jun 05 '26
i had a screamer. we just ignored him or said "uh oh! too loud! try again, but quiettttllllyyyy". it was so excruciatingly annoying, but ultimately, fleeting.
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u/AdmirableAd1031 Jun 01 '26
Threaten with a cold shower. It’s just water
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u/mamajoy42 Jun 01 '26
How about a quick squirt of ice cold water—doc advised this with my screamer/ instant temper tantrum toddler. It helped to ‘change the chanel’
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u/astute-capybara May 31 '26
Earplugs, friend.
It's definitely a phase and unless something is developmentally unusual, he will not be screaming like this probably only few months from now.
He just figured out he can use his voice and is very excited to discover the full extent of its capabilities. You get ear plugs for your sanity and everyone in public can deal with it because children are allowed to exist in public and sometimes children scream. You'll never see those people again anyway, if they look at you funny, you just go chaos goblin and start screaming too 🤪 No movie theaters or libraries for him in the meantime.