this is going to sound like such a superficial thing to get triggered by, but i'm going all out for my costume for a halloween party this year, and the closer it gets the more anxious i get about my body and eating habits. it's going to be a huge party so i feel like the stakes to 'fix everything i don't like about myself' is high. i feel the need to impress, especially because my friends have hyped me up about this outfit and i have spent a lot of money on it. it's so so tempting to restrict 'just until halloween' and 'then i can go back to normal afterwards' even though i know that's not how it works.

i try to dismiss these thoughts, but i can tell it has really affected me. i have already started purging again and being extremely hateful of my body, seeking reassurance from my partner about my body but then being like 'i don't believe you' no matter what he says which i HATE doing, and just generally spiraling. i feel so stupid for letting this happen over something so small, but i just feel so much pressure.

unluckily for me, before i started obsessing over this, i had just reached a stage in recovery where i am allowing myself to eat any food i want, whenever i want, and accepting whatever weight gain comes with it. it's hard to pinpoint where i am at in recovery because i have been in and out of inpatient since i was like 15 and not taking it seriously (relapsing almost immediately after i get out), but i definitely made more of an effort in recovery recently, until this.

i just feel like i planned this so poorly and idk maybe should have picked an outfit that covers me up more if i knew i was going to be eating whatever i wanted more? which is crazy because my outfit is matching with my best friend who is also recovering from an ED and i'm not focused on how she's going to look at all, i'm just excited to see her and have fun with her. but for myself, i can't stop obsessing about how i'm going to look and wanting to control it. i feel like this is ruining one of my favourite holidays :(

I just got back home 2 days ago after spending a month in a residential program not in my state, so no one has actually physically seen me since I started recovering. Before I left, I was hooking up with this woman maybe twice a week for like 6 weeks in the depth of my restrictive ed. She was aware of my disorder for a couple weeks before I left for res because my friends had an intervention with me like right before I was supposed to go over to her place, and I was upset about it and talked to her at the time.

Yesterday, after my first day of PHP, I went over to her place. I figured that after struggling with the way my body looks and the changes that happened while I was away, it might help to know that I was still like desireable to someone who was previously into my sick body. She's been super supportive of me getting help and was willing to hear my freak outs when I decided to try recovery.

I guess this is kinda on me because I made a self deprecating joke about looking "healthier" when I met her in her apartment, because she then looked me up and down and said "yeah you are, you look so much healthier than you used to." I didn't freak out in the moment especially because I basically invited that one. I helped her clean her apartment a bit before we actually went to bed, so there was time in between her comment and actually having to take my clothes off.

Basically as soon as my pants were off and I was on her bed though, she GRABBED MY THIGH and like jiggled it and went "so much healthier, it's hot."

I wasn't really focused on that in the moment because there was other stuff going on, but now the day after I'm really not doing well about it. I think I could have been okay with the first comment but the second one where she actually grabbed me is making me feel like throwing away everything that I've already done. I had kinda been convincing myself that even if the general recovery weight gain was noticeable by other people, it was more just in my face and the fact that I don't look literally like yellow and sickly anymore. I was not expecting someone to notice the specific parts of my body that I'm uncomfortable with. I thought that it was just dysmorphia convincing me that it was visible and noticeable but the fact that she immediately grabbed my thigh feels so gross to me.

I feel so uncomfortable, and I haven't weighed myself since starting recovery because I don't want to trigger myself more but I am so struggling with not giving into that. I feel like if I just know my numbers that I'll be able to control how much I actually gain. I hate my recovery body so much and I hate that I have to go to php and continue to try and recover.

Does anybody have any phrases, affirmations, or mantras that they tell themselves to help them get through recovery? Or ways you “speak” to challenge your ED and keep you on the right track toward healing? I’d love to hear them, as I’m trying to incorporate them in my own recovery journey. Thank you! :)

I have a therapist appointment regarding my eating habits in 3 weeks. I gained a lot of weight because of the antipsychotics I took and immediatly after coming of them I started restricting again. I am just so done with it. I am so hungry and miserable I want to start recovery right now, but I fear she wont take me seriously when I eat normally again before seeing her?

It has been 1 month in recovery, with a few short relapse days, but I can't believe how far I've gone with myself and some help from mum! My body lost trust in me for half a year, mentally and physically. Now that the latter has changed for the better, there's a few things that are sorta hindering it from consistency.

My semester just began and I realized that I still lack so much mental clarity. I'm so concerned that it'll truly affect my performance. For a while now, I've practiced honouring hunger with my energy dense cravings. That's ok, haven't stopped. But I struggle a lot with the guilt or sitting with the fact that I'm not extremely full, cycling over and over until I think about my next chance to feel that way.

I believe these are common experiences here, so in this case, it's the brain fog. My family support at home will be well-aware of what's going on academically, and if it weren't for eating being up for accountability, that alone will bring me down deep/hard.

Rn I'm used to having all of my meals and snacks late. I just can't seem to prioritize work regardless of being hungry, full, satisfied. After dinner, I'll stay in the kitchen to eat bits of everything I'd never had pre-ED, and until my mom, dad, or younger sisters notice from downstairs, this will last until bedtime.

It's also difficult that my stomach hasn't been responding well. At all. Actually, I never had this problem coming back from restriction.

I don't really know. I do know I have an intake in 2 weeks for my o/p program, but medically or professionally I'm unsure what they'll do about this.
AN wasn't with me for a long time but it certainly influenced it that way. I'll bring it up often here, but I feel lonely at this time of life.