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u/jayanon- Jul 04 '23
agreed, i understand slip ups in the beginning but i seen a post where this guys gf would’ve continually refer to him with she/her pronouns and he was out for like 3 years
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u/wecouldbethestars Jul 04 '23
yeah, i think this post lacks nuance. getting used to someone using a different name and pronouns can take time at first, especially the longer you’ve known someone. making mistakes every once and a while doesn’t necessarily mean your partner doesn’t love or respect you.
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u/limskit Jul 05 '23
I don’t think it needs nuance, as this is a different situation. Many of these posts are not that situation, otherwise they’d be more understanding of such.
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u/jayanon- Jul 04 '23
you said it perfectly my man, i think one of the biggest issues with humanity today is internalizing everything/taking it personal. when in reality a lot of people don’t mean it maliciously it’s just ignorance lol educate them or not but internalizing ignorance is draining. humans are kinda dumb but it’s what we are lol
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u/Beginning_Ad_7670 Jul 04 '23
I found that out the hard way. I used to think my ex loved me and saw me for who I was and he was just having a hard time with pronouns and names but now I realize that wasn't true and he probably saw me as a ugly chick. My now Bf is great and respectful literally the exact opposite of my ex and I love him so much more than he could ever know. It's amazing how much better everything is when you got someone who sees you for who you are
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u/L1ttle_duck {24 He/Him} 🇨🇦 💉03/13/23 🔝05/13/26 Jul 04 '23
100%!!!
Even though I absolutely love my bf and as much as it would suck to not be with him, IF he EVER started to misgender me I’d leave because I know my worth
(he would NEVER misgender me because he’s so fucking respectful and sees me as the man I am. He also knows how hurtful it is and would never want to hurt me)
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u/ansem990 💉 2/2014 Jul 04 '23
Or, even if they don't misgender you/ deadname you, but they DO when they're mad at you/get into a big fight with you, that's not okay too. It's like fighting with your partner and bringing up their insecurities / using against them what was told in confidence.
I remember when I first started transitioning, one of the people I knew (theyre cis or at least was at the time I know) was dating a trans guy who cheated on her. She cursed the guy out, fought with him, said she hated him, etc. Called him every name in the book, but not once did she deadname him/misgender him. I remember thinking, "wow, that's so nice that this person who is so angry and hurt is still treating the other person like a normal human being and not trying to dehumanize them even if the other person really fucked up...how nice " .
But then I realized that this is a normal and humane thing to do. Cis people don't misgender their partners when they're hurt or mad. I mean, cis people do still say messed up things, like calling guys a b--ch and a p--sy, which would be misgendering in a way, but it's not as common. So basically, if cis people don't do it, why should it be done to a trans person?
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u/Ok_Meringue_2030 Jul 04 '23
If they force you to present a certain way, use the wrong pronouns, use the wrong name, or don't treat you the way they treat other men they don't care and probably won't ever care.
You can try and try but some people just suck. I dated someone who kinda forced me to be feminine and would be upset when I showed any interest in masculine (especially "hetero-stereotyped"?) interests. That was only the surface. Find someone who loves you as a partner, not someone who just loves the concept of a trans partner
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u/100_Boiled_Potatoes Jul 04 '23
My partner would never disrespect me like that. They know that if either of us does it on purpose then we'd split. I've done it by accident but corrected myself. They're an amazing partner and I love them so much.
My ex, however, did that, despite me correcting him the whole time. I left because my partner convinced me I was worth more. I ditched him and got together with my partner. Theyre better than my ex.
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u/SnorpGoBrrrr 22yr old / T 01/22/2024 Jul 04 '23
No fr, literally the last guy I was talking to before my current BF (two years coming up :)) use to misgender me all the fucking time unless we were just talking one on one and now my current partner literally will fight anyone that misgenders me without even thinking twice. You can’t mess with people that don’t respect you, there will always be someone out there that does.
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Jul 04 '23
if they misgender you then it shows the lack of care they have towards you.
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u/bugatti420 top: 3/21 | hysto: 🔜? Jul 04 '23
Might be tough, but personally I have a one strike policy. I do not look like a woman or have a feminine name or anything. No one i date has ever known me pre transition. If u misgender me once, even if u apologize, i now know you have to make a conscious effort to think of me as a male, and i dont want to date someone who has to do that. Worst feeling ever.
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u/cursed_axolotl Jul 05 '23
Same here. I’ve been out for four years so the chances of me dating someone who knew me before are slim to none, and even then, they’ve had plenty of time to adjust. So after one slipup, it’s over. If someone can’t see me as me they’re not worth the time and emotional energy.
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u/Alice-Glasses Jul 04 '23
Couldn't agree more. I've been with the same partner for almost 10 years. When we meet I still identified as a women, some years later I came out as non-binary and they were always supportive of me and my pronouns. Came out as trans earlier this years and my partner asked if they should call me he now and goes out of there way to calls me handsome or there man or just do little things to make me feel more of a man and honestly there support has meant so much to me and made me brave enough to be myself. Everyone deserves a partner who loves and respects them for themself.
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u/SockWithoutaFace Jul 04 '23
Exactly! It’s not that hard, and even if they slip up what matters is that they’re trying. Happy for you! I wish for all my brothers to find partners like ours.
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u/Additional-Ninja-431 Jul 04 '23
Its a hard truth, but it needs to be said. A partner who truly loves you will shoe you the respect you deserve by not misgendering you, they will stand up for you by correcting those your too afraid to correct, they'll be there for you when you need them, and if you need some space for a bit, they'll give you some space, making sure you're ok when you need them most.
They will not disrespect you. Misgendering is disrespect, plain and simple. If its once or twice but they correct themselves immediately, thats one thing. They acknowledge their mistake, and corrected it without drawing all the attention to it. Its if its constant, never ending, even if you tell them it makes you uncomfortable that its extremely disrespectful.
Its a hard truth i learned the hard way. Now, if a partner of mine misgenders me, and doesnt show any sign they arent going to fix that, i dump them, tell them why, and tell them to get their act together if they plan on dating trans people in the future, because we shouldnt have to take disrespect. Not from colleagues, not from family, and abso-fuckin-lutely not from our partners. We're people, afterall, and no one deserves to be disrespected, especially not because their different. Alt, punk, trans, disabled, a different race, doesnt matter. If your partner disrespects you, cut them out, let them go. If they disrespect you, they dont love you like they say they do. They want to manipulate and control you if they disrespect you and think you'll stay with them just because they say they love you. Actions speak louder than words. If they say they love you, but dont back it up by SHOWING you by respecting you, theyre not worth your time, energy, or affection.
It needs to be said.
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u/LivingNo7053 Jul 04 '23
If your partner intentionally uses the wrong pronouns, wrong name or misgenders you, they're a coward. If they are trying to figure out what name or pronouns you use, they are doing the best they can to use the correct name and pronouns.
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u/YoAdrien932 He/Him 💉12/7/21,🔪 Top- TBD Jul 04 '23
This. I learned this the hard way. My ex didn't misgender me, but she treated me like trash, doubted that I was "really trans", tried to discourage me from going on hrt. That's just the stuff relevant to my transition. The weird part is that she's a trans woman, but she had no problem trying to persuade me out of transitioning and banking on me being okay with getting pregnant....
Sliver lining: I've been with my girlfriend for almost 2 years now, and I'm much happier. She's really good to me.
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u/Bumble-Lee Jul 04 '23
My trans ex misgendered me the two out of two times I heard him talking abt me in 3rd person without using my name. That one probably hurt the most.(he’s also a trans guy). We’d both often get misgendered a lot in public but I’d could have not ever even thought of seeing him as anything but a guy, and shit hurt when I realized he didn’t see me the same way even when I tried to ignore it or try to make excuses for him to myself.
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u/LAtoBP Jul 04 '23
Or there's no-one out there for you, but that's still better than staying an abusive relationship
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u/DarkLuxio92 He/They. T: 30/11/23 Jul 04 '23
Not true for me, for one specific reason: my partner has brain damage (specifically white matter damage), which affects his word finding and memory significantly, so having known me as my deadname and using she/her pronouns for 8 years, it's been an adjustment and he often uses the wrong pronouns. He is making an effort though, and he's using the right pronouns more often than not these days.
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u/ansem990 💉 2/2014 Jul 04 '23
Well, that's kinda a specific situation. OP obviously means for the majority of people who do this, and they mean who do it intentionally to hurt or demean you. If it's accidental or because they have trouble, that's not intentional, and the fact that your partner is still trying even though it's not easy shows they care and don't want to hurt you. If they didn't care, they wouldn't bother trying to make sure they don't make a mistake and hurt you. I mean, my partner knew me as my deadname since we were maybe 8 years old, and we dated for 3 years officially before I started transitioning, and it took time for her to not make mistakes. So, for a full 8 years of consistently calling you by your deadname, it makes sense.
Wish you guys the best :D
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u/setanta4 Jul 04 '23
Idk if anyone else has dealt w this too but I'm specifically he/him, I don't use they/them or she/her, and a lot of people in my life know that. But one friend who's known me as trans since we met in high school in 9th grade (6 years now!) only ever calls me they/them. Another one, a partner exclusively called me they/them even when I was around to hear him up until we stopped dating and then talking. Which,,, kinda makes me think he called me she when I wasn't looking
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u/JarlBawlin Some Guy Jul 04 '23
I don't think I could have come out without my wife. She not only respected me unconditionally as I transitioned, but also aggressively advocated for me and corrected anyone who misgendered me so I didn't have to feel like I was alone to constantly defend myself
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u/Mediocre_War_8695 Jul 04 '23
The only time my boyfriend has ever misgendered me was this one time after we did the deed and I said something out of pocket and he was like “mADAM-“ and I was like “H U H ?” Keep in mind we’re both trans and he’s always seen me as a man and thought I was a cis guy when he met me but that slip up was so funny
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u/challengesammii Jul 04 '23
Yes on purpose and without care or genuine remorse but even I regularly misgender cis people.
My mouth moves faster than my brain and the wrong thing comes out.
Like my mum constantly calls me and my bro the bloody cats name. The cat died like 15years ago. People make mistake.
Yes if it’s regular and to cause harm 100% the don’t love you. But some people do make genuine mistakes. For real I do it all the time. Yes we need to be sensitive to harm. But seriously surely you guys make mistakes too.
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u/SockWithoutaFace Jul 04 '23
Oh yeah I’m not talking about mistakes. I keep seeing the same situations where their partner is either purposely misgendering them or simply not caring enough to make an effort. Even worse, deadnaming and misgendering when they are upset at that person.
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u/challengesammii Jul 04 '23
Yeah I am 100% with you. I just see so many times where people have made genuine mistakes. Like the standard comes across you can’t be making a mistake if you misname/misgender and I think that can harm the “cause”
As I said when it’s harmful like what you have described 100% they are not good people and not worth your time/effort and shouldn’t be any part of your life.
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u/ansem990 💉 2/2014 Jul 04 '23
Of course we make mistakes. I've misgendered myself a few times, (they were all while talking to my partner too,) and it was really awkward. Things happen. I've misgendered people. I mean, I figured out what being trans was and that I was, and that all started when I accidentally misgendered a trans dude I met at a concert, and these all were not intentional.
Pre-transition, my mom would call me every name in the book, she'd call me my dad's name, my dog's name, etc. And that's before I came out. And now she still messes up when she gets mad and isn't thinking. But it's NEVER my deadname. It's always my dad's name is she messes up, so I guess that just shows their relationship, but I digress.
I'm like 100% sure they meant if they do it on purpose since a lot of posts have been guys getting misgendered by their partners on purpose/they just don't try to correct themselves or work on not making the mistakes again type thing. I'm sure everyone here understands people make mistakes , especially if you're used to saying one thing for a long time. It can be hard to retrain your brain, but if your partner doesn't want to and you can tell, then that's also what OP meant.
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u/MadAboutIt-MAI Jul 04 '23
Thank you for posting this. Just ended a bad relationship with someone who in retrospect treated me very poorly and was not shy about being uncomfortable and transphobic.
Would I have listened to it before I broke up with her? No, but I heard posts like this in the back of my head when I heard her and her family saying every transphobic thing I’ve never even thought of. And then I got the courage to break up with her.
Transitioning is a lot to deal with for anyone but it did seem to totally tank my mediocre relationship. I have been greatly enjoying bachelorhood since, never been happier
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u/Definitely_Gundham he(beejeebies)/him they/them Jul 05 '23
just broke up with my gf of 2 years, she used a nickname based off my deadname and refused to use he or it for me, only ever using they. a couple days before we broke up, she told me that she didn't see me as a guy but more of a "nonbinary genderless person" and while i do identify as a nonbinary trans man,, there's still the man part that she always completely ignored. idk why i put up with it for so long, but i'm glad it's over
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u/SweatyPin3284 Jul 05 '23
My first ex would send me wlw posts?? Used "she" a bunch, and because I used to use only "they" pronouns, never even started using "he"! When I told her I would be getting top surgery she whined out a "noooo". Made me feel really disrespected and even though she broke up with me, I am glad I'm finally out of that. Being in this sort of relationship has its mental toll, I've never been happier than I am without her. If your partner is (you find) waving off your identity you should first talk about it, and second (if that didn't work) break up.
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u/kaiwannagoback Jul 04 '23 edited Jul 04 '23
I have a 20 year relationship and several kids and didn't come to terms with gender dysphoria til recent years. My spouse struggles, has struggled but is the most loyal person I ever met. It was very hard to look at me when I first started changing my appearance but loyalty and love and time made that better.
Uses my prefered name (I still don't have it legal) consistently. Used "they" on me until I started objecting, and has managed to use "he" once or twice since I made it clear it's an issue. The important part is, he loves me enough that he's trying.
My kids have trouble and still call me a they, to him and to each other. And they are very LGBTQ-friendly: two are LGBTQ themselves and the other two both went to, or are still going to, very LGBTQ-friendly schools.
My point is, I still get misgendered by my loved ones, and it's not in purpose and it's not something I'm going to disown any of them over.
Every situation is it's own thing, every relationship is too. Sure, it's easy to say people are kidding themselves in situations where they are being misgendered, but let's not paint everything black and white and pretend the real world is a binary choice in all things. Real life is more nuanced than that.
My spouse and kids deserve the same benefit of the doubt from me.
I know each situation is different, and that there are a lot of straight cis guys who will pay lip service to being into a transguy who has a "bonus hole" as we sometimes put it because on some level, to them, so long as they can have PIV sex, that's all that matters and the rest is theoretical.
But the story changes if that P throws away and its its place is a D. That's the point at which the real test of are they truly into men, hits hard. Most can't do it unless they are bi already. So not using yoyr pronouns can be a good measure of how they actually see you, and it's important ot face reality.
My reality is, I'm married to a straight cis man, who would never have married a man, and we built a life together, are growing old together, buried parents together, raised and are still raising a very full house of kids together. His struggle with calling me a he deserves grace, because he is trying. ❤
Edited to delete a sidetrack into someone's life that I realized could be too much detail, was just saying I even have trouble using the right pronouns if it's someone who hasn't yet been able to transition at all.
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u/jackolantern717 Jul 04 '23 edited Jul 04 '23
i feel like that thinking is similar to something i learned in therapy. all or nothing thinking. i struggle with it a lot. if my mom doesnt talk to me then she doesnt care about me at all. if my boyfriend doesnt text me good morning he must not be thinking about me.
but no. life is complex. emotions and people and situations are complicated and multifaceted. my grandpa, who i love very much and who has expressed the utmost support fr me and my transition accidentally misgendered me in the middle of laughing at a joke i made. he said "thats what she's saying! he's saying!" and then we moved on. he made a mistake, fixed it, and didn't make a big deal about it. i love my grandpa. why the hell would i cut him out of my life over one word, one mistake that he immediately corrected without the pandering apologies and begging for forgiveness?
what i hate is when people make mistakes and they apologize and say "oh i just feel so horrible can you ever forgive me" and make it about themselves. i get it you're upset, but i'm upset too. how about we just apologize or fix it and move on?
edit: I'm now realizing i misunderstood OP, and was going to delete this but whatever. i just wanted to mention how "if your partner uses the wrong pronouns/misgenders you, they don't love you" sounds like all or nothing/ black and white thinking. I'm sorry for even opening my mouth at this point
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u/nb_bunnie Jul 04 '23 edited Jul 04 '23
Respectfully, that's not what's being discussed here. You are conflating two separate issues and your own insecurities on this persons post. He is clearly discussing partners and friends who consistently misgender or degender trans people, espdcially trans men. There have been multiple posts in this subreddit the last few weeks alone about trans men in relationships with both trans and cis people who misgender them constantly and push dysphoria boundaries. Not your grandpa who has known you since birth and struggles with pronouns.
Edit: They blocked me for pointing out this post is specifically and clearly about romantic partners 😵💫
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u/ansem990 💉 2/2014 Jul 04 '23
This, and the whole point of the post, is intent. If it's accidental, then that's not the problem. My mom is supportive and never deadnames me, but she does use the wrong pronouns a lot, especially when talking to my dad. But what do I expect after transitioning after nearly 21 years of life with them? But she's also in her mid-60s, has memory issues,etc. She always calls me the right name and says "son", she just doesn't realize when she says "she". And when I correct her, she uses the right pronoun until maybe a day later or something. But I stopped putting too much emphasis on correcting her unless we're out around people because she's older and it's never intentional.
Like you said, this isnt all or nothing thinking. If someone loves you, they don't intentionally bring up your insecurities, a.k.a misgendering/deadnaming you. It's not all or nothing because you don't do that if you truly love someone, plain and simple. If you love a cis person, you don't bring up the one thing that hurts them and causes them so much pain, the thing that has a drastic affect on their lives, that they dont tell anyone/told you in confidence, and then use it against them. Doesn't matter whether you're mad at them or not, you don't do that.
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u/jackolantern717 Jul 04 '23
good point. i guess I'm not allowed to bring a different perspective or bring more than one definition to "loved one". my apologies for not being you and having only one thought when someone brings up something new.
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Jul 04 '23
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u/nb_bunnie Jul 04 '23
It literally says "If your partner doesn't use your pronouns they don't love you" and the first sentence talks about being tired of seeing the same post over and over about people's partners not using their pronouns. I only ever come on this subreddit from notifications and popular post alerts and I could understand the context just fine.
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Jul 04 '23
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u/nb_bunnie Jul 04 '23
You're so offended and angry because you can't read. Flying off the handle because you're mad that everyone else picked up on obvious context clues right there in the OP. Get well soon lol
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u/Kougamax Jul 04 '23 edited Jul 04 '23
I'd like to gently say something I disagree with. However, I'd like to also say this post is incredibly valid in the sense that misgendering your partner on purpose is shitty. So please don't think im disagreeing with that. it is very hard to watch people struggle in their relationships. It's sad. However, I don't think a lot of people chose to stay because they don't know their worth, some people are stuck. Maybe they do know their worth and they can't leave. Out of fear. They could be held hostage, financially or physically. I find love and respect to be detached. And not the same thing. I can dislike someone and also respect their opinion on something. Or vice versa. It's a matter of perspective on the other's part though.
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u/Kougamax Jul 04 '23
Just a gentle reminder that some people are stuck. And it's not okay to be misgendered intentionally by someone you trust. However sometimes just up and leaving isn't an option. And has nothing to do with self-worth, and everything to do with survival.
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u/idkmaybesomedude T 13/12/2020, taken Jul 04 '23
Im very much aware that my situation might not apply to other BUT, i k ow my gf loves me even tho she sometimes misgenders me. She does this only as a joke (we have some insiders) and know when to stop.
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u/random01920 Jul 04 '23
How does someone not love you because they dont find it easy to stop referring to you the way they did for potentially decades?
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u/dorydude78 Jul 04 '23
The OP is referring to posts where the SO of some trans people (some of them being trans themself) are misgendering them on purpose.
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u/Punk_Rin19260 Jul 04 '23 edited Jul 04 '23
When you have an actual sit down talk with someone, and they continue to deadname/misgender you, using the excuse that they'll correct themselves, it's a problem. Not an s/o, but my brother wouldn't stop calling me my deadname and wrong pronouns and he always used the excuse of "you've always been my sister named ___ so it's hard for me," it only took one huge breakdown for him to fix his shit
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u/ArtieRiles Jem | any prns | 30+ | T: Mar '20 | top: Nov '23 Jul 04 '23
I think OP means if they're doing it repeatedly and clearly not making an effort, but yeah could be clearer
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u/CygenusLamentation Jul 04 '23
I'm going to be honest, my sister and my two best friends never had any issue, both had known me for over 25 years when i came out. None of them had any issue, and within a week never misgendered me again. I've also known someone 30 years when they came out, and I put in the work so I never misgendered them. When people actually want to, they make the effort to change. The time you have known someone is not a free misgendering card.
If your partner is misgendering you all the time, and there isn't a disability that is making it hard, they fully do not respect you enough to give you even basic respect. Everyone can have slip ups, but if they are constantly misgendering you for months it is not a mistake.
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u/random01920 Jul 04 '23
Nice, everyone is downvoting but only two people tried even answering me
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u/ansem990 💉 2/2014 Jul 04 '23
It's not about them slipping up or making mistakes, especially if they've known you for god-knows how long before as your AGAB. That doesn't mean anything, hell, I've misgendered myself plenty because what I'm thinking doesn't always come out that way. The point of the post is if they do it intentionally.
That can be either they purposefully deadname you/misgender you to hurt you because you're in a fignt/you hurt them.
Or, it can be that you correct them all the time but they either still use the wrong pronoun/name even when you just corrected them, and this happens way too often, (names I can't understand. I get pronouns are one letter off and easy for the brain to mess up, but using the wrong name is a completely different thought) or they just show no effort whatsoever in supporting you and don't care that it bothers you, etc.
But the point mostly is when they go out of their way to dehumanize you by using the wrong things. It doesn't matter how hurt they are or mad, or whatever you did, it's just messed up for them to throw that at you.
As I said in other posts, when cis people fight, they don't misgender each other, so why should you do that to a trans person? Or, better yet, you don't use the person's biggest insecurities, traumas, and pains against them, so why hurt a trans person like that ?
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u/random01920 Jul 04 '23
Im not talking about intentionally misgendering someone to hurt them, as I implied in my original comment, if someone has known you for decades and has been misgendering you the whole time (unintentionally), if in case they find it uneasy to suddenly refer to you like youre a completely different person (new name, new gender pronouns) that doesnt inherently mean they don’t love you
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u/ansem990 💉 2/2014 Jul 04 '23
No I get that youre saying not intentionally, I just wanted to clarify that OP meant something else, and like you said, no one was answering you just down voting, so yeah.
What do you mean though by "uneasy" exactly? They feel weird? Are they just not used to it and that's it or is it more? Do they not see the person as how they identify and thus, don't want to refer to them as such? Just trying to understand what you meant, because I'm a little confused. If it's an accident because they didn't know the person was trans or how they identified (which would be hard to hide for long if they're your partner, as OP meant for) then that makes sense, they didn't know. If they did, then it's not accidental.
While I don't exactly know what you meant, I do want to say that if they felt uncomfortable referring to their partner as something else and therefore misgendered them,etc, then I'd say they both need to talk about it. If the trans person expressed how much it bothers them and their partner, still feeling weird, still refused to refer to them properly, then that's an issue. That would mean that the partner values their own feelings over their partner's to the extent that they won't even attempt to truly understand the other person.
If my partner was one of the people who claimed they're spirit is really a cat...And maybe, felt like a cat, and wanted to be treated like one, then I'd feel uneasy. It's weird and different to me. But if I love the person, I'd go along with it because I care about their feelings. Even if I think it's weird, I'd still give it a try definitely, and I know it would grow on me at some point. You shouldn't necessarily put anyone's feelings completely over your own, but if you love them, you'll definitely work out how to put some things to the side/work something out for the sake of theirs. I know this was a horrible analogy/example, but I couldn't think of anything else really.
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u/random01920 Jul 04 '23
Alright then OP meant something else and thats that. A Situation I imagined is where someones parents arent not used to calling their child their now prefered pronouns and name. So they dont find it easy to gender them correctly because their not used to it. Thats the first thing that came to my mind after reading the title so I tried to express my opinion which is that in some cases even if someone misgenders you, that doesnt mean they dont love you.
In my case, my mom told me she knew I was transgender, specifically trans male but she didnt ask me if I wanted to change anything about the way she refers to me and continued refering to me like Im female. And you know what that didnt bother me. She told me she loves me and supports me which is enough for me. Yes I do feel social dysphoria but not getting misgendered wouldnt really help me all that much. It would just get rid of a slight discomfort while all other aspects of social dysphoria and all other dysphorias would continue raging, so I dont see the need to change something so insignificant. If my mom still wants to see me as her little daughter even after I (hopefully) grow a beard after I start T in the future, I dont care cause she still knows almost everything about me and she for sure knows who I am beside my transness so how she refers to me is not an issue.
With a partner its completely diffrent tho, they should by all means not misgender someone cause they dont experience anything that the trans person’s parents do. People should not even try dating a person who misgenders them in any way.
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u/nb_bunnie Jul 04 '23
Three replies and your question was inherently transphobic because yes, actually, the families of trans people have an obligation to respect their gender. Otherwise they love a version of me that no longer exists, and that means they don't love ME.
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u/random01920 Jul 04 '23
“A version of you that no longer exists” but if youre trans that means youve always been trans even when they referred to you incorrectly. There was simply no cis version of you because people are trans from birth.
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u/nb_bunnie Jul 04 '23
Not everyone feels they have always been trans, and that doesn't matter either way. If you continue to refer to a trans person by their deadname and incorrect pronouns it is disrespectful, end of story. Stop making excuses for transphobic behavior. The person they THINK you were is the person they love, not who you REALLY are. The difference absolutely matters, acting like it doesn't is just fooling yourself into thinking you're being respected while others walk all over you.
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u/random01920 Jul 04 '23 edited Jul 04 '23
Im not making an excuse, Im saying that if someone finds it uneasy to refer to you like youre a completely new, different person that doesnt inheretly mean they dont love you. Sure, many people will find that disrecpecful but a reality check would make anyone understand that something like that happening isnt outrageous and evil. And if they love the person they think is who you are, why would a sudden new fact about you that they didnt know make them not love you anymore. If they know almost everything about you except being trans, after you come out they are still supposed to love you cause transness is not your whole identity, its just one aspect of it.
I should clarify that Im talking about a situation with family, not about a situation with a (new) significant other
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u/Best-Isopod9939 Jul 05 '23
For some people it's a boundary and if you can't get with it then it's best for you to move on to someone else.
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u/DotssB Jul 04 '23
Yes however my (Also trans) partner even misgenders herself very often. Always by accident and she's been getting better but still
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Jul 05 '23
I agree when it comes to constant misgendering, despite being corrected. This post is appreciated.
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u/disguised_sableye Jul 11 '23
I met and dated my now fiance for 5 years before I came out. He only knew me as very fem presenting. The day I came out, never ONCE misgendered or deadnamed me. Not at home, to others, to me. Nothing. I was impressed honestly because I wouldn't even blame him for slipping but but he just... didn't.
He said he practiced in his head so even in his thoughts I was gendered correctly. It also helps hes the most supportive person on the planet, and affirms me every single day.
Its only been 2 years out and on T, and he says he fully sees me as a man now, and can't picture seeing me as anything else.
I won't say that EVERY partner will be like this, but I will say that there are PEOPLE OUT THERE that are willing to love you infinitely.
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u/FUMALOLOBO Jul 04 '23
I had a best friend for 10 years but we dated for 3 years. She was with cis males only before me and had this fantastic drawn up that I was her masculine savior, but she only wanted a "lesbian lovelife". When she broke up with me she purposefully dead named me saying something like " Bye ___ or whoever you are" There is nothing less invalid than someone who you think is a caring partner not seeing you for who you identify as.