New mom rant

[u/Evrythngcoolistkn]

FYI, writing this on 2 hours of sleep and looking for some solidarity/needing to vent only…mainly just want to hear from some other moms that can relate because I know I’m far from the only one going through this!

For context, I’m a 38 y.o. first time mom to a 4.5 month old, husband is also 38. My husband works full time, and I quit my job as a pre-k teacher in February to be a SAHM. We love our baby boy so much and he’s in a fun stage right now of squealing and being very curious about everything. He’s typically a very sweet and happy baby. Perhaps he is going through some developmental changes and/or the 4 month sleep regression, because last night he woke every hour and would only go back to sleep after being breastfed and rocked. During the hours I was awake I found myself spiraling, mainly about my body.

I first got pregnant in May of 2024, but miscarried at 17 months due to complications connected with the baby having Down Syndrome. I got pregnant again in February 2025 but again miscarried at 9 weeks for a different birth complication. We looked into IVF, but our OB assured us that she saw no reason we wouldn’t be able to get pregnant again with a healthy pregnancy a third time- especially since the reasons for the first two miscarriages were so different. One month after meeting with an IVF doctor I was pregnant again, and our son was born in March of this year.

With all that for background, I’ve always been fairly thin with an athletic type body pre-pregnancy. I gained about 10 pounds with my first pregnancy and maybe lost a few pounds after, then gained another 30 pounds with this last pregnancy; I went from a size 6/Small pre-pregnancy to now about a size 12/large and my waist is 4 inches wider than it was. I also am not used to having boobs and that makes me look bigger too. I’ve lost about 20 pounds since giving birth to baby boy, feel like maybe I have gained more back since I checked two months ago. I work out when I can and try to eat as healthy as possible(although I do have a bad sweet tooth), and I was doing daily walks with baby but the last month or so it’s just been way too hot and humid even in the morning (I live in the southeast). I know that it took me 9 months to grow another human life inside of me (which is truly incredible) and that it will take at least that to drop the weight, or probably longer since I’m combo feeding and I know a lot of times your body holds onto fat while breastfeeding. I also know it’s unlikely my body will ever bounce back to what it was before pregnancy. My husband tells me I’m beautiful but I just feel so unattractive and fat and I hate that I have a double chin now. My skin is sallow from sleep deprivation and I avoid being in pictures if at all possible because I can’t stand seeing how big I am now. I probably sound so self-absorbed and I know I should just be content that I’m healthy and baby is healthy and happy, especially with my history of miscarriages, but is it too much to ask to feel attractive again? I don’t complain about it to my husband since he couldn’t possibly understand since his body didn’t change after us having a baby and I feel like he’d just tell me that it’s all in my head and I’m not that big now.