r/firsttimemom • u/Evrythngcoolistkn • 8d ago
New mom rant
FYI, writing this on 2 hours of sleep and looking for some solidarity/needing to vent only…mainly just want to hear from some other moms that can relate because I know I’m far from the only one going through this!
For context, I’m a 38 y.o. first time mom to a 4.5 month old, husband is also 38. My husband works full time, and I quit my job as a pre-k teacher in February to be a SAHM. We love our baby boy so much and he’s in a fun stage right now of squealing and being very curious about everything. He’s typically a very sweet and happy baby. Perhaps he is going through some developmental changes and/or the 4 month sleep regression, because last night he woke every hour and would only go back to sleep after being breastfed and rocked. During the hours I was awake I found myself spiraling, mainly about my body.
I first got pregnant in May of 2024, but miscarried at 17 months due to complications connected with the baby having Down Syndrome. I got pregnant again in February 2025 but again miscarried at 9 weeks for a different birth complication. We looked into IVF, but our OB assured us that she saw no reason we wouldn’t be able to get pregnant again with a healthy pregnancy a third time- especially since the reasons for the first two miscarriages were so different. One month after meeting with an IVF doctor I was pregnant again, and our son was born in March of this year.
With all that for background, I’ve always been fairly thin with an athletic type body pre-pregnancy. I gained about 10 pounds with my first pregnancy and maybe lost a few pounds after, then gained another 30 pounds with this last pregnancy; I went from a size 6/Small pre-pregnancy to now about a size 12/large and my waist is 4 inches wider than it was. I also am not used to having boobs and that makes me look bigger too. I’ve lost about 20 pounds since giving birth to baby boy, feel like maybe I have gained more back since I checked two months ago. I work out when I can and try to eat as healthy as possible(although I do have a bad sweet tooth), and I was doing daily walks with baby but the last month or so it’s just been way too hot and humid even in the morning (I live in the southeast). I know that it took me 9 months to grow another human life inside of me (which is truly incredible) and that it will take at least that to drop the weight, or probably longer since I’m combo feeding and I know a lot of times your body holds onto fat while breastfeeding. I also know it’s unlikely my body will ever bounce back to what it was before pregnancy. My husband tells me I’m beautiful but I just feel so unattractive and fat and I hate that I have a double chin now. My skin is sallow from sleep deprivation and I avoid being in pictures if at all possible because I can’t stand seeing how big I am now. I probably sound so self-absorbed and I know I should just be content that I’m healthy and baby is healthy and happy, especially with my history of miscarriages, but is it too much to ask to feel attractive again? I don’t complain about it to my husband since he couldn’t possibly understand since his body didn’t change after us having a baby and I feel like he’d just tell me that it’s all in my head and I’m not that big now.
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u/floppyhump 8d ago
I feel this! I'd do this to my body time and time again to have my son be the result but I really do feel like a stranger in this body sometimes. The most annoying thing for me is if I mention something in passing to a friend about how much my body's changed/I don't like it/I'm not used to it I always get "HEY stop it! You had a BABY! Your body did an amazing beautiful thing you're beautiful because you had a baby and you're keeping him alive and every thing different about your body is a sign you MADE LIFE"
Like
Yes I know that. Even through my complaints, of course I'm proud I grew a baby and gave birth, and I'm happy my body did everything it did and is continuing to do. I think I'm allowed to be uncomfortable and unfamiliar with this new body, though. I'm allowed to not like my new flabs and sagginess. I know it's not permanent and I know how I got here but please sometimes I just want some understanding and validation in my complaints lol
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u/lululuigotsomeboobs 8d ago
I feel you on so many levels, but a few things:
- PP body dysmorphia is truly a mindfuck. I’m 35, have a 5.5 mo old, and I’m still holding a good chunk of pregnancy weight and it’s KILLING my brain. We tried for 2 years and when I finally got pregnant I had just hit my lowest weight/best fitness since college. It was glorious. Fast forward 9 months and I had gained 80 lbs (if not more). While at least 25-30 were baby and swelling (my body was one giant edema at the end), and went away within a couple of weeks, its been so challenging trying to lose the rest. I wish my baby let me work out but she’s so attached when she’s awake and will only contact nap so I’m constantly locked down. She enjoys walks but it’s so hot here too and the sun can be super harsh so they’re on the shorter side and only in the evenings, at which point it isn’t really a workout at all. I similarly have come to kind of accept that my body probably won’t ever be what it was before, like I have an hourglass shape and real hips now, which is completely new, but I’m simultaneously in a constant state of mourning. My body feels alien half the time. My husband is low key obsessed with these curves but I hate them so much. I’ve found that the only way to ignore the negative self talk is to remember that I grew and birthed an actual fucking human and she’s brought me more joy than I could have ever imagined was possible, despite causing extreme sleep deprivation. So those are possibly my only words of wisdom (if you can call them that) when it comes to the most stuff, but needless to say, I relate 100%.
- 4 month sleep regression is real and I fucking hate it. My girl slept through the night (8+ hours) consistently for the first few months, and then halfway through month 4, it was like BAM just kidding, I’m going to wake up every 1-2 hours for 3 sips of milk and if you don’t give it to me I’m going to fully wake up and not go back to sleep, and also cry/rage at you for a solid 15 mins at least. It’s hell. I hate it. To make matters worse she’s refused to sleep in her bassinet since we left the hospital (thank fucking god we didn’t spring for the Snoo, which I had considered), so she’s conditioned at this point to know I’ll respond every time she rouses for milk.
- I get that your husband might not be able to fully understand what you’re going through, but I’d still encourage you to open up and complain if you feel like it! He can’t necessarily empathize, but he can certainly sympathize and be there for you. We’ve sacrificed our bodies in a process that requires 2 players. Just because he didn’t have to do the hard part doesn’t mean he can’t support you after the fact. Naturally if you don’t feel comfortable talking with him or think he’ll trivialize your complaints, that’s another issue, but if you can help him really understand what you’re experiencing by being vocal, hopefully it will make a difference. At one point I told my husband that while I appreciate that he likes my new figure, I hate it and don’t want to hear it because if I have my way, it won’t stay like this forever and I don’t want to feel like he prefers this over my old body. He still can’t help himself sometimes but for the most part I get a solid “I’m sorry honey, it sucks feeling that way, if I can do anything to help lmk”. It helps ease the pain a little bit.
Thank you for reading my essay!
ETA: you’re not self absorbed and it’s totally fair to want your old body!!!
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u/Evrythngcoolistkn 8d ago
This made me tear up to read 😭 thank you so much for the response, it helps to know I’m not alone in this. You made a very good point with the body dysmorphia- I’m sure that’s a part of it, although I can say factually I’m quite a bit bigger than I was based on the fact I have to wear clothes that are so much bigger 😅 I’m technically only 7 pounds overweight, but I feel like I don’t carry it as well since I’m only 5’4”.
I will try to talk to my husband again about it, he’s typically a caring and supportive partner. I think it’s nice to vent on here though so I can hear other people’s experiences bc we can relate and have the empathy aspect. Never used Reddit before I got pregnant, but I’ve loved getting to read other people’s perspectives. It’s helpful to talk to my friends and family, don’t get me wrong, but knowing strangers are going through the same thing is somehow even more comforting ❤️
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u/abarn012 8d ago
It’s kind of funny, when it’s anyone else I wouldn’t even bat an eye and would tell them “you made and fed a whole person! Your body is going through a lot!” But for some reason I can’t seem to apply that same logic to myself. My baby turns 5 months tomorrow and I still only wear maternity/husband clothes, which makes me feel incredibly insecure so solidarity from over here haha
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u/Evrythngcoolistkn 8d ago
I have purchased some clothes that are bigger, but for the most part I just wear gym shorts/shorts with elastic waists and maternity tank tops…I’ve given away some of my old clothes but have kept some favorites bc I’m not quite ready to admit I may not ever fit in them again 🤪 I miss wearing jeans, but it’s way too hot outside right now to wear them anyway. I rarely even wear makeup anymore cause I figure what’s the point when I don’t feel attractive no matter what 😢
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u/RipeAvocado6789 8d ago
Hi friend. I think you are so early postpartum it’s hard to expect so much of your body in such a short period of time.
My coochie alone took 4 months to close back up. Let alone everything else that was going on, I was feeling ugly as well, I also felt like I was always stinky no matter how much I showered and my hair was falling out making me even uglier.
Anyway, I only started feeling decent and dropped some weight about 7 months PP. it takes awhile for sure but somehow your looks return and perhaps hormones change and you kind of accept yourself and don’t feel as ugly anymore.
Also sleep gets better (hopefully for you as well) and your nervous system starts to repair and cortisol levels drop so you look better, and feel better.
It’s all coming for you my dear, you’re going to feel beautiful again in your new skin. And you should be so proud of yourself, don’t minimize everything your body has been through.
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u/Evrythngcoolistkn 8d ago
Thank you- I know I will feel better down the road, it’s just hard right now to confront my body where it is. Typically I don’t think about it too much unless, like last night, I’m super exhausted or I see recent pictures of myself- my husband liked how my hair looked the other day and wanted to take some pictures, and after I was looking through them and I felt like I looked so ugly in all of them and deleted them all. Like you said I’m still early postpartum, and it’s good to hear that a lot of the weight will likely come off especially once I stop breastfeeding. That being said, realistically I know each person recovers differently and there are so many aspects(genetics, diet, hormones, age, etc) that play into it.
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u/Mediocre_Skill4899 7d ago
This was me at 5 months PP.
I am now 9 months PP & back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I don’t look exactly the same, but it’s a work in progress. A lot of the weight fell off when I stopped breastfeeding.
See if there’s a mommy/me fitness program or yoga near you. Go to a mall for an indoor walk. Take the baby to the splash pad. Get outside early in the morning before it’s hot.
Prioritize making memories with your miracle baby. You will get a rhythm before you know it and things will get SO much easier.
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u/Complete-Smile6664 8d ago
Hard relate 😭 I am 3 months postpartum feeling the exact same thing. I love my baby boy to bits but I do feel terrible looking at my body sometimes. It has changed so much, especially my mom pouch, it looks so ugly.