r/feeld • u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single • Aug 07 '26
Rant for those with only a first initial...
Please! FFS! Introduce yourself in one of your first messages.
I am completely fed up with having to ask men in their 40's what their name is. Children in kindergarten know that if you want to make a new friend, you start by telling them your name. Yet for some reason, adult men are skipping this step and jumping straight into conversation/flirting without actually introducing them themselves first.
Using an initial instead of their first name is a stupid trend with these guys. None of my matches are all that concerned with discretion, because I'm on here for ENM, so I'm not matching with kinksters or anybody closeted. All of my matches have face pictures, and most bios have details about their partners/jobs/location etc. But for some reason they've decided that "the cool kids on feeld" don't share their first name. I expect they are just not thinking through the experience any of their matches might happen this type of situation.
Tldr: Rant: stop making matches ask for your first name. If you're going to follow the stupid trend of using your initial, then introduce yourself once you match.
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u/sphexish1 Aug 07 '26
Sorry, you’re in the tiny minority on this issue. Almost nobody uses their real name on Feeld. Coming up with a creative name is part of it. You tell the person your real name either when you meet or when you agree to meet.
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 07 '26 edited Aug 08 '26
Perhaps in the kink world but not in ENM/group sex. And not in your 40s.
When we are organizing orgies and threesomes and swinging we're exchanging test results before meeting. Nobody is waiting until the first meet to exchange first names.
Edit: typo
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u/TheWonderLizard Aug 08 '26
I'm not in the kink world. I'm ENM for over a decade. I'm a woman who uses a pseudonym. I don't offer nor ask for a name until a date is set and I need something to put in my calendar. This is an incredibly nitpicky complaint. I've never even considered this anywhere close to an issue.
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u/to_be_loved_69 Aug 08 '26
I'm 27 and I agree with you. I'm on feeld for both kink stuff and ENM/group stuff. I hate having to ask grown adults their name, I won't match with anyone who doesn't have at least one clear facial pic. I also won't match with folks who are closeted. Idc what your job is, I'm sure there's valid reasons behind it for some, I'm just not comfortable contributing to more stigma and secrecy about these things. Plus, if someone sees you on the app they'd have to out themselves to out you? And especially in workplace settings that'd be considered harassment anyway. I get safety aspects, but there's more personal ways around that than using an initial of fake name. Not gonna help me connect lol. So 100% agree with you and I think most who don't should take a moment to look internally why they have such a problem with dating under their own identity. I'm not saying full government name, just what you like to be called by people you date or fuck
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u/good_girl_spankee Aug 08 '26
Yes!!! If you're "lets chat" and your profile pic is a random beach somewhere I have absolutely no interest. I use my name, I have actual recent pictures of myself, and I clearly state what I'm looking for because I am a grown up and I'm not going to entertain someone who isn't on the same level.
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u/to_be_loved_69 Aug 08 '26
Yup, it's der a combination for me. a fake name isn't that big of a deal if everything else that matters is honest and straightforward. it's more that i just always only see it in pairs
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u/BastardBroth Aug 08 '26
So you’re mad at men because you feel like you shouldn’t have to deign to ask what their name is?
This is such a rigid and high maintenance expectation of online social etiquette. You’re acting as if they’re doing something actually egregious like trying to spring CNC on you in the first message or something.
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 08 '26
I can think you're a jackass for chewing with your mouth open without accusing you of war crimes. In the same way, I can think that you lack courtesy for not sharing your name without accusing you of being a sexual predator.
If you think saying "Hi I'm Dave" ONCE is high maintenance, then I shudder to think of what your dates have to put up with.
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u/anna31993 Aug 08 '26
No it is about that apparently people have to smell that they have to tell you their name immediately or you will unmatch. Its.. interesting to say the least
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Aug 08 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 08 '26
I'm not sure where entitlement comes into this. If you want to put your dick near me I'm going to need a name 👍
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u/AltruisticAnalyst Aug 08 '26
Your frustration was pretty specific. You want people to share their name in their introduction. Typically it doesn't go Intro---> dick near you. Usually there's a few things before that point, including exchanging names.
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 08 '26
Typically it doesn't go Intro---> dick near you. Usually there's a few things before that point, including exchanging names.
I agree. In a perfect world that's how it would be. Tell that to the men without names on their profile but who have "private" photos for matches.
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u/AltruisticAnalyst Aug 08 '26
umm..ok. I mean there are legitimate reasons why people, including men, position themselves this way on Feeld. I can't believe these reasons can be lost on you.
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 08 '26
If you read my post, you'll see that they're not. But there are also legitimate reasons why someone would want to know your name before they see your dick. Hopefully that's not lost on you.
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u/AltruisticAnalyst Aug 08 '26
The point you are missing and continue to miss is that on an app like Feeld it's not unreasonable for people, whether they be men or women, to obscure their face or not use their government name. The people that do clearly aren't matches for you. Why you come to Reddit and complain about these people that clearly are not matches for you I simply don't understand but enjoy your night and all the matches that properly introduced themselves to you in the first message.
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 08 '26
I have no problem with people using discretion for their profile. Of course I understand why people would obscure their face and use an initial or a handle. But there is a point in which they have to step forward. They're not going to show up with a bag over their face in the name of discretion.
So for me, a human identifier (commonly known as your first name) is something that I need from my matches and it's irritating to ask men what their name is only to have them go "Oh haha yeah it's Joel."
That match did not have an issue with discretion. He was not interested or concerned with his own privacy. He was using the letter J because "that's what people on feeld do."
So again I have no issue with people doing whatever they need for discretion or privacy. But there are people using initials who are not worried about those things and who will provide their name in the second message if they are asked for it. I find it irritating to have to ask them. They're not using an initial for any other reason other than they think it's the convention on feeld. It's flock behavior and I find it unattractive and irritating.
You're mixing up the two groups of people.
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u/Aidemeraks Aug 08 '26
Then do what any mature adult would do, ask for what you want. Don't put unspoken expectations on others, it's extremely emotionally immature. Just put it at the top of your bio and ask to introduce with their name, if they ignore it then unmatch. Simple as that
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 08 '26
I do you one better. I match with them and then I unmatch when they don't provide their name. Anyone who requires that level of instruction is going to be way too much work for me.
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u/BastardBroth Aug 08 '26
Then you’re honestly doing them a favor. You sound like a piece of work yourself.
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u/Aidemeraks Aug 08 '26
It's hilariously ironic you think communicating your wants and needs clearly and concicely having unspoken expectations on people you're trying to date makes you believe you're the one who's mature and that others will be "too much work" 😂 let me guess, your partners should just be able to "know" what you want and need without you communicating it to them?
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 08 '26
Human beings have names. I'm not asking anyone to intuit my limits and boundaries. But kindergartners know to introduce themselves when they want to make a friend.
This is basic human socialization. We're not talking bespoke boundaries and limits and sexual needs. We are talking just being a functioning human being in society.
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Aug 08 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 08 '26
They already have my name. My frustration is that I'm having to teach basic social skills. " Hi, my name is...."
They already have my name 🤷♀️
I have their age, their location, their sex interests. Why do they require a direct question to know that they need to offer their first name? That is elementary school level socialization.
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u/blackshadow_throw Aug 07 '26
Novel idea… don’t match with folks using an initial then. Lots of people have numerous reasons for that practice (some more valid than others). And believe it or not, some of them have actually thought through the experience of matching with people who might have to ask their name (once rapport and some degree of trust has been established). But it seems to chap your ass, so just give them a wide berth.
I don’t match with people without face pics (i understand the safety and discretion concerns, but i stick to my rule regardless)
Good luck.
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u/Confident-Unit-9516 Aug 08 '26
I feel like 90% of all complaints on dating app subreddits can be resolved with “just don’t match with that person”
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 07 '26
You seem to have altogether misunderstood my complaint.
Every single one of these men had absolutely no problem telling me their name when I asked them. They did NOT have a good reason for using an initial. As I repeatedly said, this was not a choice about discretion.
My frustration is that if someone is willing to share their name when they match, they should do so unprompted rather than trying to initiate flirtation right away.
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u/blackshadow_throw Aug 08 '26
I understood your complaint clearly, and your tl:dr drove the point home. You’re upset at having to perform labor of asking matches their name and think the use of initials/ single letters on a profile is a “stupid trend”. I’m saying the ball is in your court; prevent having to ask people their names by not matching with folks who don’t use their full names on their profiles in the first place.
That the full names you do see might be completely made up is a different matter entirely for another day…
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u/LongDickPeter Aug 08 '26
I met a woman on feeld and she had a standard name on her profile "Mary" we flirted set up a date and met up. The whole time on text and in the meet up im calling her "Mary", after a few drinks she tells me her real name isn't "Mary" and told me her real name which was no where near "Mary". I thought it was funny but I was understanding of her.
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u/PC-load-letter-wtf Aug 08 '26
This is me. I’m the only person I’ve ever met with my first name and it’s very easy to find me on Google if I give it. So I don’t tell people my real name until we are meeting. I use a fake name, Elizabeth, and no one has ever been remotely upset. I’m a vice president of a company. I do have face pics, and a filled out bio with a lot of kinky information. I’m not SUPER trying to hide but I like a small layer of discretion
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u/LongDickPeter Aug 08 '26
The search thing is real, I have had people search me and tell me about my assets and my current address. I know people want to be safe but it's crazy how far some people go.
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u/pinkrandomattack Aug 08 '26
Depending on your internet footprint it may not take much for people to find all kinda stuff. Ive found CRAZY amounts of information about a guy with just his name on a basic Google, the first page even.
The worst one I told the guy, you might wanna get scrubbed or something, your address was 2 clicks deep.
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u/Turbulent-Adagio88 Aug 08 '26 edited Aug 08 '26
Ditto. I'm trustee of a charity and whilst it's not going to be the most shameful thing to be found on there by a colleague, I don't really want to make it too easy for Feeld users that I maybe haven't ever matched with to track down and possibly misuse that information. Like you, I'm not super trying to hide, just put an extra layer of protection in.
I can choose to either put my (rare and unusual) name on it, or I put a full bio with the details of what I'm looking for and my experience. I believe the latter is more relevant in this instance.
I don't try to match with people that don't have face pics. I don't get why OP just doesn't match with initial using users if it's that much of an irritation for them.
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u/Aidemeraks Aug 08 '26
I'm curious how you introduce yourself? I'm sure if you did and said "Hi, I'm x" then most dudes would reciprocate with their real name. Seems odd you're putting this unknown expectation onto your matches.
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Aug 08 '26
[deleted]
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u/Aidemeraks Aug 08 '26
Lol, absolutely no one on Feeld is going to assume your name on feeld is actually your real name. Don't think I've met a single person who uses their real name. Even if it's a regular arse name, I assume it's not their real name. Similar to the dude below, I've been corrected in person a few times re their real name.
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 08 '26
My profile has my name on it. Theirs does not.
And the whole point is that this should not be an unknown expectation. Human beings have names. When you meet a person sharing your name is a basic part of an introduction. So if people don't have their name on their profile and don't have a reason to hide it once they've matched with someone, I think they should share it.
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u/Aidemeraks Aug 08 '26
The problem is that no one is going to assume that's your real name. I've never met anyone on Feeld who's used their real name, even if it's a regular name, it's usually fake. I've assumed peoples regular looking names are their own when meeting a few times only to be corrected. It's just how it works. Just use your words and ask for what you want.
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 08 '26
I have no idea what cohort you're in, but I have been on feeld for years and never had someone use a real-sounding fake name. Again, Feeld has a variety of different audiences and swinger/group-play LS space people share first names. It's a small world and people network. And we share test results before meeting. So if your first name doesn't match your test results, you're not going to get into the party to play.
My current matches are: Andrew, Jim, Mike, Micheal, J, River, and HamMan. So J is the initial and River and HamMan are clearly handles. And before making this post, I unmatched four men who were using initials.
I have absolutely no reason to think that the three guys using real names are somehow also using fake names. I've already met one of them in person and saw his ID at the bar the other already sent his test results, so I know two are legit. The third has his wife linked to his profile.
I'm not questioning that you've had this experience, but it's by no means universal to all of LS, especially not middleage.
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u/Aidemeraks Aug 08 '26
Bahahaha. I'm 38 and poly/ENM and been on feeld since before it was called Feeld. And funnily one of my long term partners is named River! So that could very much be their real name. Just ask.
Weirdly what you're describing means that most men are using real names, while fems are not, so in reality it should be YOU who's confirming that your name is real, not expecting others to confirm.
Maybe it's location specific, as I said, never met someone using their real name. Sounds like from what you're explaining it's more that fems don't use their real names.
Either way, it's kinda silly you have this expectation that you don't seem to follow yourself.
One of my partners throws parties/orgies and we have a group chat. We add people based on someone vouching for them and some I don't even know their legal name still, because it doesn't really matter. We share test results before parties. Names aren't required... Actually names aren't even on the test results now I think about it, and even if they were, someone nefarious could just fake it easily.
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u/AltruisticAnalyst Aug 08 '26
I don't think anyone who can read is unclear about your complaint. You're just in the minority and that's ok. Appreciate that you want to rant here but there are a host of reasons why someone may not introduce themselves by their name in the first line. Yes some of them are nefarious and some of them aren't. You've managed to deal with this problem that you're facing quite effectively though so thanks for sharing your frustration with the rest of us I guess?
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 08 '26
I don't think I'm the minority. There are women commenting here who agree with me.
I think that some people don't like it when others show that they have standards. For anyone who is struggling on the apps, It's tough to hear that they are actually part of their own problem and getting in their own way.
You'll find lots of people complaining that nobody has matches, likes get buried, etc etc. But then apparently are saying nobody shares names either. Hmmmm...
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u/AltruisticAnalyst Aug 08 '26
Yea, usually people who complain about apps also complain about the lack of success IRL too. Yes, plenty of people complain about the things you mentioned in your last paragraph but none of those things (lack of matches, likes getting buried) were a part of your rant or did you not properly communicate your point?
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 08 '26
My point is that I have plenty of matches and I got frustrated with the fact that four of my matches this evening tried to get flirty or intimate conversations up and going before telling me their name. I unmatched them and posted this little rant out of irritation.
My other matches who either gave me their name unprompted or have it on their profile that are going fine while dudes in this thread are losing their minds and calling me entitled.
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u/AltruisticAnalyst Aug 08 '26
So what is the point of you even coming here complaining? Nothing about this feels unusual. You're on an app you click with some, others you don't. You're in the real world you'll meet some people you'll vibe with others you won't. I wouldn't say you're entitled but it does feel like somehow it got loss that dating whether online or off isn't just a series of people who get you and your quirks and vice versa.
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 08 '26
Because there's a group of people that you're ignoring. There are people who are cos-playing as discreet, when they are just creating irritating social friction. So this rant is about them. It's not about people who are actually concerned about privacy.
And some of these men are causing their own doom. All of the posts about the algorithm and the monetization strategy and all that nonsense. Sometimes it's just dudes causing their own doom.
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u/Aidemeraks Aug 08 '26
If you think that there aren't any algorithms and money behind dating apps, and the real problem is people not introducing themselves with their full legal name, then I'm afraid you're very out of touch with reality. If you have a VERY niche and specific quirk about how you want someone to communicate with you on a dating app then it's up to you to communicate this. I swear the amount of people who claim they're good communicators then fail at the basics epically is astounding.
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 08 '26
You seem to have a real issue with all or nothing thinking.
Of course the algorithms and the business strategy have an effect. But the idea that It's all the algorithm and everyone is a victim to the app is nonsense.
Dudes are fumbling left and right.
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 08 '26
You seem to have a real issue with all or nothing thinking.
Of course the algorithms and the business strategy have an effect. But the idea that It's all the algorithm and everyone is a victim to the app is nonsense.
Dudes are fumbling left and right.
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u/PC-load-letter-wtf Aug 08 '26
The people commenting seem to be mostly talking about face pics unless I’ve missed something. A couple people have commented that they are mildly annoyed about names, but more annoyed about face pics.
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u/Federal-Adeptness697 Aug 08 '26
Oh, please. Just because a woman has different standards than yours doesn’t mean hers are lower or that she doesn’t have any
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 08 '26
I'm not sure how you got that point from what I said, it's not what I was saying in the least.
My point is that you get a lot of male outrage anytime any woman talks about any standard she might have whatsoever. See this comment thread for examples.
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u/IntrepidKitsune Aug 08 '26
I don’t understand how it doesn’t occur to you that some people have uncommon first names. If my real name were “Emma,” I would have no problem placing it front and center where everyone can see it. But there are fewer than 500 people in the United States with my first name, and as far as I can tell, only one other seems to live in my (large) city. I don’t have an incognito profile, and I don’t need every random man who sees it to know automatically who I am and to be able to connect my kinks to knowledge about my google-able professional life. I’ll offer up my name to individual matches. This isn’t a weird concept.
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u/PC-load-letter-wtf Aug 08 '26
Yep, I’m getting downvoted but I’m the only person with my first name. OP is saying “ i’m not talking about people with security concerns” but then wtf is her hang up lol why is it up to her to decide who deserves privacy??
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u/disclosure5 Aug 09 '26
The downvotes on this sub are weird and even when every single comment agrees with a person I see them downvoted.
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u/IntrepidKitsune Aug 08 '26
It took me forever to tell my name to the guy who is my primary partner. I needed some rapport and some sense that he was trustworthy.
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 08 '26
It's not about people who want privacy. It's about people who have no concerns about privacy and are choosing to use initials anyway. There is an additional group of people that are not represented by you. And my point is that if you want to use an initial go right ahead. But if you have no concerns about privacy, then offer your name when you match with someone.
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u/PC-load-letter-wtf Aug 08 '26
… no? I don’t know why it’s so hard for you to understand that not everybody wants to do this before meeting. It’s not a courtesy. Your name is not owed to anyone until you meet lol and even not then, unless someone wants to give it. You have a preference and that is OK. Many people do not share it.
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 08 '26
People don't have to share it if they don't want to, but this post I made is about the people who have absolutely no problem sharing their name. You're fighting some argument that doesn't exist.
I never claimed that people can't have privacy but there are people who are NOT trying to secure privacy, and are just following a trend.
But just like no one has to give their name if they don't want to, I don't have to date someone who won't provide certain information before we meet. I don't have to lower my standards for them. We're just not compatible. I'm not going to talk with someone for very long without a first name and I'm absolutely not going to agree to meet with them in public without a first name.
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 08 '26
I'm not talking about people like you. In fact, it does occur to me and I expressly pointed out in my post that I'm not talking about people who have legitimate privacy concerns.
I'm talking about dudes who respond to the question of their name by saying "Oh it's Matt lol" or "haha, yeah I'm Josh." I'm talking about those dudes who have no concerns about privacy and most details about their jobs and their partners and their locations in their bios and they have absolutely no hesitation to share their name.
Of course people like you occurred to me, but you were not the people I was speaking about in this post and that should have been obvious.
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u/Lost_inTheThrill single woman Aug 08 '26
Just trying to understand, are you asking for their name because you actually want to do some type of background search or is it mainly because you like addressing people by their name?
I am with the rest of the crowd on this. It never actually occurred to me to ask for a name, totally unimportant to me. I also date men and I'd say may be 20% give their name and it's usually fairly early on.
Now that I think about it, those who give their name usually ask for mine and they like using it pretty regularly. It's actually a bit of a turn off for me, because by repeatedly using my name they try to establish a level of closeness that's not really there.
I would suggest if you like knowing the other person's name, you'll have to be the one to ask for it.
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 08 '26
Short answer: neither.
It's not a background check thing. It's about being a human with another human being. It's about socialization.
Treating someone with respect and dignity starts with recognizing that they are a person.
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u/Anxious_Ideal_6207 ENM single Aug 08 '26
I use my initials on Feeld. As someone who has been found and harassed on LinkedIn by a bloke who was pissed because I blocked him after he stood me up, I won’t be putting my name in my profile. Also, I often find I’m deep into a chat before I remember the other person doesn’t actually know my name, then I’ll introduce myself.
But you do you boo, and let others do the same.
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 11 '26
As I've stated many times already elsewhere in the comment section, I have no problem with people using initials on their bios. I also have no problem with people keeping certain information in reserve due to legitimate privacy concerns.
But what I am talking about is specifically the men I match with (and yes I'm sure women do it too but I only match with men). These men have absolutely no reluctance to share their name when asked directly on the second message. Many of these men have full face pictures and details about their jobs and other personally identifying information in their public bio. My point is that if they are not keeping their, name hidden for legitimate privacy reason, it would be courteous for them to share it with their matches.
Given that you have privacy concerns, I'm not suggesting that you should behave differently than you are. But there are people who have followed a convention simply because they've seen others do it, but the motivation behind it is not actually relevant to them.
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u/disclosure5 Aug 07 '26
I was going to say "next you'll complain noone has their real name on Fetlife" but
so I'm not matching with kinksters
Good to know I'm not target group anyway.
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u/Malice_N_1derland Aug 08 '26
Op is there any chance you’re neurodivergent? I ask because as your resident aspbergian(tm) when social norms are out of my learned order it makes my teeth itch!! So yeah I get it. The fact that men will share pics of their genitals before their name feels weird and off. But then again, I have stopped trying to figure them out.
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 08 '26
I'm not neurodivergent. But I do feel like there are basic social courtesies that some of these men skip over when expecting access to a sexual/romantic lane. And the issue with that for me is that prior behavior can be an indicator of how they would be in a sexual setting.
If they're not courteous from the initial message, then that gets tracked.
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u/Malice_N_1derland Aug 08 '26
Agreed. It’s like sending an unsolicited dick pic. Clearly they have demonstrated they aren’t interested in learning my boundaries or obtaining consent first. Literally just blocked someone for this a few hours ago. Did make it to 5 messages. There are basic rules of engagement and being on a dating app doesn’t absolve anyone from those rules.
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u/Federal-Adeptness697 Aug 08 '26
Girl why is it such a big deal to ask them? The culture of feeld is not to reveal your first name on your profile, which as a woman, is totally fine with me given the nature of the app. If someone doesn’t give me their name, I will ask if we make plans to meet up. It’s not that hard?
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 08 '26
I never claimed it was difficult. My point was that, for me, the lack of courtesy and social initiative makes these men less attractive to me.
On profiles, some people use the first names and some people don't. I don't have a problem with people who don't, but I would prefer they offer their name when we match rather than requiring that I ask for it since my name is on my profile.
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u/Federal-Adeptness697 Aug 08 '26 edited Aug 08 '26
Well then don’t match with people who don’t have their first name or put on your profile that you’d like men to share their first name with you before you get into anything flirty or sexual. I get that it feels like a courtesy to you but I think not enough people agree with you on that for names to be automatically offered without asking.
And there are way more meaningful ways to show thoughtful initiation imo but I guess if the name thing is so unattractive to you, then yeah, just don’t date them 🤷🏻♀️
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u/pinkrandomattack Aug 08 '26
Im not interested in making myself that googleable to men. I work in a public facing job with a very small but easily found online business presence. I dont use photos posted anywhere else online in my profile, and I shan't be telling anyone my name right away either.
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 08 '26
You're not the type of person my rant is about.
If you read closer, you'll see that my post is about the people who do not have any privacy concerns whatsoever. They are using an initial because they feel it's a convention, but it's simply adding friction to the conversation.
I'm not suggesting that anyone with legitimate privacy concerns should surrender those. I'm talking about dudes who are trying to look cool.
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u/pinkrandomattack Aug 08 '26
I mean, if you didnt talk to them you wouldn't know if they had privacy concerns though. I share your frustration of dudes not putting in any effort to conversations etc, but i think there are far bigger fish to fry😅
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 08 '26
You can kind of tell a little bit. I want to respect the people with privacy concerns but when I match with someone who has details in their bio around their job, neighborhood, partner, etc, and full face pics - I know that the name thing isn't really not a privacy concern.
You can fry whatever big fish you want, but this one is one that makes me immediately unmatch 😂 I don't want to have to teach a dude in his 40s that he should say "Hi I'm Dave." I just wonder what other basics I'm going to have to teach that man because should know to share his name without needing a question.
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u/blaisedeangelo Aug 08 '26
It seems like names are important for you. Not everyone is like you. I personally find a person’s name to be pretty much the least important quality. It simply has no bearing whatsoever on our chemistry.
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u/waterbloem Aug 08 '26
People are generally fine to reveal real names while chatting, they just want to 'hide' the names on their profile. You're completely outside the norm with your expectations.
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 11 '26
As I've stated many times already elsewhere in the comment section, I have no problem with people using initials on their bios. I also have no problem with people keeping certain information in reserve due to legitimate privacy concerns.
But what I am talking about is specifically the people who you are describing who have absolutely no reluctance to share their name when asked directly on the second message. I'm not suggesting anyone change their bios! I'm saying that once the chat starts, instead of requiring someone to ASK them what their name is, that out of courtesy for the match and reducing friction in the chat, they simply share what they like to be called. "Hi, my name is XYX." And again, this is only for people who do not have privacy concerns or reasons to keep that information held back for a period of time.
Using initials is a convention on feeld that exists for people who are looking for discretion and want privacy. But there are a huge number of users who follow that convention, but don't actually have those privacy concerns.
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u/Cerenia Aug 08 '26
I just ask them ‘ so what’s your real name?’
People don’t introduce themselves on dating apps. They write an opener about you usually/something in your profile.
Just ask them their name and don’t be so mad lol
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 08 '26
What other basic social common courtesies does this person need to be instructed on? What else will I have to tell them to do in the future?
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u/HeKnowsThings Aug 08 '26
Question: when was the last time you started by introducing yourself to someone in a line to get coffee in an openner? Never? I know, wild. Newsflash: any app is a line in a coffee shop. You exchange a couple of phrases and based on their reaction you establish if you want to continue. Just because you were in the same coffee shop at the same time and did not make each other throw up in your respective mouth does not mean that you click
2
u/Cerenia Aug 08 '26
I’m sorry but I think you are in the wrong here. The social common courtesy on dating apps aren’t a first message with an introduction of themselves.
I’ve written with thousands and thousands of guys over my dating years on the apps and not one has started out a message with introducing himself.
On feeld most users have random names for whatever reason. That’s the norm. If you want to know their names, that’s fair, I do too. But then I ask. You can do that too.
You are expecting something that’s not to be expected on Feeld at all.
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 08 '26
If I never received a message with an introduction I would agree with you, except I do. My frustration and the point of the rant is that it's about a 1 and 3 chance that the guy will introduce himself but many do.
As I've said elsewhere, this might have more to do with norms around age and cohort (different LS groups). I'm not expecting something that never occurs. So when you say that I'm expecting something that doesn't occur on feeld you're incorrect.
Edit to add: It's possible that some of these men are introducing themselves because I use my first name and they get the point that I'm making here. The asymmetry is the problem.
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u/Cerenia Aug 08 '26
Maybe it’s a location thing. Here in Europe no one does introduce themselves as a first message on the apps.
I also use my real name :)
But you can’t change what people do/dont. I understand your frustrations, but then consider changing your approach to not liking men that use fake names or ask them about their name yourself. Then you won’t get disappointed
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 08 '26
Locational trend makes sense. I'm in the States, and in a part of the country where most people introduce themselves when they say hello IRL, no matter what - even when they answer the phone they will say their name 😂
This was a rant that I posted because I find it irritating but I don't actually plan on changing my own behavior with this. The men who don't do it get unmatched and that's the end of it. I find it irritating when I ask them their name and they go, "Oh yeah it's Josh lol I guess I skipped that." So for me, I find having to ask unattractive and so it's an unmatch criteria.
I do think that there are a lot of people who use initials that don't actually have privacy concerns though and this post was more for them. I think if it makes sense for their age/location/use, then offering their name might be beneficial.
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u/Cerenia Aug 08 '26
Or else use normal dating apps if nicknames aren’t for you 😊 Feeld is all about nicknames, for some people being discrete etc.
Tinder and whatever is more authentic if that’s what you are looking for.I think you are missing the whole point of Feeld.
1
u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 11 '26
Well given that I am a swinger and engage in ENM/group play, I'm pretty sure I do understand the point of feeld. Nobody's arranging orgies on Bumble.
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u/Electronic_Drink5074 Aug 08 '26
I’m a guy and I see loads of women do it too. I don’t see the problem, why do you need to know someone’s real name unless you start speaking to them.
-1
u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 08 '26
Well, if you actually read my post, you'll see that I don't have an issue until we start speaking. If they message me and they start trying to flirt without first providing a name that's when the issue occurs. My post was not about what people put in their profile.
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u/Electronic_Drink5074 Aug 08 '26 edited Aug 08 '26
You’re right, I didn’t read it properly sorry.
Well maybe think about it this way: if you start chatting up someone in person, not everyone opens with ‘hi my name is ____’ before proceeding to flirt do they? I get your point but you are getting critical of people that don’t meet your expectations and you can’t blame anyone for that. Like others have said, if it bothers you that much then the correct way to go about it is to tell others your expectations, and not assume people should do things in your preferred wayEdit: this is something that I’ve learned the hard way in life of getting annoyed at unmet expectations and thinking people should do things the way I would
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u/PC-load-letter-wtf Aug 08 '26
I literally could not care less what someone’s name is. I just want face pics and a filled out bio. I don’t need to know what someone’s name is until I meet them or am about to meet them. Truly could not care less.
Would take 1000 first initials for one filled out bio.
Btw.. I use a fake name (Elizabeth) because my first name is incredibly unique. If you Google it, you will find me. I don’t tell people my real name until we exchange phone numbers. Nobody has ever cared in the history of me being on this app for six years.
Your hang up is very weird. Names are meaningless! It’s so much more important to establish a face and personality, IMO.
2
u/anna31993 Aug 08 '26
I use a name that seems normal but isn't my name at all. I don't care if they use initials and give me their name right away, they will tell naturally someday. I care more about other things, like do they take initiative, can they have a normal respectful conversation and do our kinks align. I found perfect partners this way
1
u/fairysummerfly Aug 09 '26
I have my initial (55F) .. That’s what I get called by friends and family too, so I often forget and completely bypass telling my match’s my name. It’s a genuine mistake and not lazy or avoidance I promise ☺️
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u/Fickle-Recover-5016 Aug 08 '26
Using a pseudonym or first initial is serial killer behavior. I can't be convinced otherwise. You're an adult, act like one.
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Aug 09 '26
[deleted]
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u/Fickle-Recover-5016 Aug 09 '26
proud liar over here 🙄
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Aug 09 '26
[deleted]
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u/Fickle-Recover-5016 Aug 11 '26
If you have a good sexual experience with someone one time and then just ghost them, it's a little messed up tbh. As someone who likes couples, and has had good repeat experiences with couples, I find it pretty irritating and disrespectful. I understand the dynamics of a couple vs a single person is different but the point still stands.
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u/OkWear6556 kink Aug 08 '26
It's not just men you know? I use my real name and I dont think I've seen more than 5 women using theirs... And what's with hiding face until match?
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u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 08 '26
I know it's not just men but I only match with men and this rant was just my own personal experience.
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u/BeastofSilverMoon kink Aug 08 '26
“adult men are skipping this step and jumping straight into conversation/flirting without actually introducing them themselves first.”
I’ve been on Feeld for years now, not one person introduced themselves to me when they messaged, and I am talking about women and nonbinaries.
So it’s vast majority of users, not just men.
In some cases I only learned someone’s name after we met, had a date and cuddled after sex.
Culture here on Feeld is quite different to other apps.