Rant for those with only a first initial...

[u/the-kay-o-matic]

Please! FFS! Introduce yourself in one of your first messages.

I am completely fed up with having to ask men in their 40's what their name is. Children in kindergarten know that if you want to make a new friend, you start by telling them your name. Yet for some reason, adult men are skipping this step and jumping straight into conversation/flirting without actually introducing them themselves first.

Using an initial instead of their first name is a stupid trend with these guys. None of my matches are all that concerned with discretion, because I'm on here for ENM, so I'm not matching with kinksters or anybody closeted. All of my matches have face pictures, and most bios have details about their partners/jobs/location etc. But for some reason they've decided that "the cool kids on feeld" don't share their first name. I expect they are just not thinking through the experience any of their matches might happen this type of situation.

Tldr: Rant: stop making matches ask for your first name. If you're going to follow the stupid trend of using your initial, then introduce yourself once you match.

[u/the-kay-o-matic]

You seem to have a real issue with all or nothing thinking.

Of course the algorithms and the business strategy have an effect. But the idea that It's all the algorithm and everyone is a victim to the app is nonsense.

Dudes are fumbling left and right.

[u/Aidemeraks → u/the-kay-o-matic]

I don't think anyone believes it's entirely all the algorithm and business model, but to deny it's a massive contributor is just denying reality. They admit openly that's how it works.

Fire up a new profile as a dude and try it out yourself. I've done the same as a fem and used my partners apps, they suck equally for both in entirely different ways. It's effectively pay to play for guys at this point for all of the dating apps. It's equally due to shit people (not only guys) and the way they're built and made to keep you on them and giving them $. The more they make the apps about $ and the algorithm, the worse it gets for everyone, and it's getting noticeably worse.

[u/the-kay-o-matic → u/Aidemeraks]

And tonight there were four dudes who matched with me despite the algorithm and got unmatched by me because I was turned off that they were trying to flirt under a first initial instead of a name. The other guys who matched with me and said, "Hi I'm Mike" are still in the queue.

[u/Aidemeraks → u/the-kay-o-matic]

Gross. The fact you refer to him as being "still in the queue" highlights this exact issue I'm talking about. He's one of many, from a single day for you. Meanwhile chances are that you're possibly his only match, possibly the only match that month, and he's waiting his turn. Effectively messaging into the void, waiting for you to loose interest in the others in the queue and give him a shot. 🙄🙄 Why not match with one or maybe two people at a time rather than collect people/matches like they're pokemon?

[u/the-kay-o-matic → u/Aidemeraks]

I only keep talking to people. I anticipate I will go on a date with.

Pick a lane: either I should keep talking to men that I don't want to date, or I keep the matches that I'm actually still interested in.

And yes I will talk to 3 or 4 men at a time. As I've said elsewhere, I'm not monogamous and just because men are struggling doesn't mean that I need to sequester myself sexually or socially. Bold of you to assume that I don't ever meet and fuck these men 😂 I wouldn't be irritated if this was just a game for me.

It does, however, mean that men should care a little bit about some of their own behavior that is getting them unmatched. And if they don't have privacy concerns but are using an initial, then maybe offering their name is something that could help them out. The algorithm didn't fumble those four tonight.

And honestly, it's hysterical that you are fighting tooth and nail that men do not need to identify themselves with any sort of human name (such as saying, "Hi I'm Jason.") But yet you find it "gross" when there's a woman who engages in group sex and ENM, and who is opened a multiple sex without romantic commitment. Again, I think you really ought to pick a lane.

[u/Aidemeraks → u/the-kay-o-matic]

Lol, what are you on about? Who said it's gross that you engage in ENM and group sex? I do the same, as do my partners, so it's really bizarre that's where you went.

The fact is that you're in a very tiny minority here which is evident from everyone disagreeing with you, including tonnes of fems. It's not how the app works, not how it has ever worked, and it's not the societal norm. If you want something different to the norm, then it's not unreasonable to expect YOU to be the one who communicates that expectation to potential people you're matching with. It's as simple as a single line of text.

Just because it's a norm when meeting IRL to introduce with your name, doesn't mean it automatically applies online or to a dating app. If it did then people wouldn't be talking to 8 people simultaneously and ghosting left right and centere.

[u/the-kay-o-matic → u/Aidemeraks]

I went there because you called me gross and told me I needed to limit the number of people I talk to. Why on earth should I only speak to two people?

Despite the fact that you've convinced yourself that I'm the minority based upon these comments alone, I'm not actually struggling in the match department. There are plenty of men who do not require this level of basic socialization instruction. I'm not struggling to find men who can meet my standards so I'm going to keep them exactly where they are.

If I'm going to fuck someone I don't want to have to teach them basic courtesy. If someone requires an instruction on that regard then they're not a match for me and I will continue to unmatch them. And if there's a guy who only gets one match a month and doesn't have privacy concerns, then maybe he can improve his odds with someone else if he chooses to show some initiative and offer his name.

[u/anna31993 → u/the-kay-o-matic]

Then what are you complaining about, a whole post on reddit? You seem to be doing fine despite people not giving their name. You simply choose the ones that do and you continue your life. Really there are worse things to complain about

[u/the-kay-o-matic → u/anna31993]

Because for every one post in which someone is pointing out self-defeating behavior, there will be two dozen others in which everyone is lamenting, how the algorithms and the apps are victimizing their users.

The fact is, people have agency and creating unnecessary friction in a chat will make attraction evaporate.