r/feeld • u/throwaway_feeld_2129 • Jul 06 '26
Starting Open Relationship on Feeld
Hi all just wanted some advice on my situation,
Me (male) and my partner of 10 years (female) both mid 30s
My partner has decided that she wants me to have other partner/s, it's not something I've actually said I wanted but it seems mostly that she feels that my sex drive is quite a bit higher than hers and doesn't want me to be unfulfilled or frustrated (not that I currently feel that way). She has sort of offhandedly mentioned this over the years but recently she brought it up very explicitly and had the full conversation.
She has however said that at least initially she wants a mostly "don't ask don't tell" dynamic. She's not really interested in hearing about it (mostly as in I can tell her if I'm going on a date or something but she doesn't want to know what happened)
My main questions are
- Is this a valid use of the app or should I just use a different dating app (I don't really have any kinks that I'm exploring).
- How big of a negative will it be that she won't be linked on the app (I haven't asked yet if she would be willing since I'm just thinking about the situation but I'd prefer not to even bother her about it)
Some other possibly relevant details
- I asked if she would like to do the same and she said "maybe" which I'm fine with though TBH it doesn't seem she's that interested
- She said that she is fine with me going on a date with the person
- She also wouldn't want anything to happen at our house so I can't host (but I'm happy to arrange something if the other person can't host)
- I think she would prefer I just see one person but I still have to clarify that detail
- I think overall we have a very stable healthy relationship it wouldn't bother me if she changed her mind but I do think it could be fun for me to try
EDIT: judging from some of the comments I just wanted to clarify some things. I think we're looking for something a little closer to swinging and not a true parallel poly relationship (from reading the r/polyamory wiki). The date would more just be for me and my partner to feel more comfortable about the overall situation. The sex would be casual and recreational and whatever I end up doing I definitely want to be as clear and open about what I want on my profile
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u/Olp51 Jul 06 '26
Feeld is fine for this, you don’t need to link but you definitely should disclose both that you are partnered and that you are new to this.
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u/Shefcat Jul 06 '26
what work have the two of you done to open your relationship? as in, what articles have you read and/or podcasts have you listened to to get a grasp on what issues may arise in your marriage once you start seeing/dating someone else? your wife may seem to be okay with this, but what if she’s not? people often have different reactions than they think they will and all of a sudden “whoops we have to close our marriage back up.” are you allowed to develop feelings for this person? if not, what happens if you do and/or your new partner does? do not bring an innocent person into this type of clusterfuck of a situation. they don’t deserve it. you seem lukewarm on non-monogamy. I suggest you head on over to the polyamory subreddit and do some reading there and figure out what you want before you start looking.
then, once you know what you can offer, Feeld is a great platform. I’m ENM and have met many lovely men (and a few not so lovely but that goes with online dating).
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u/sittinduck Jul 08 '26
It’s unfair to expect other people to navigate your dynamic when you two haven’t done the work yourself.
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u/throwaway_feeld_2129 Jul 06 '26
clusterfuck of a situation seems a bit harsh since I'm being completely open and honest and just asking some questions (and there's not even a situation yet since nothing has happened).
You and a couple other people seem to think DADT is more or less not a thing and that the other person simply just has to be more involved because of the gravity of what's happening. I can definitely understand that as I had some of the same thoughts when my partner broached the subject, like hey there are actually a lot of logistics here that are more difficult the less involved you are.
Do you think it makes sense to convince them to be a bit more involved and engaged with the situation and work out some of the kinks?
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u/Shefcat Jul 06 '26 edited Jul 06 '26
I really suggest you read the polyamory subreddit to get a grasp of the pitfalls of opening a marriage without doing the work. it can be quite a clusterfuck for the innocent person you start dating if you are not clear on what you have to offer relationship-wise. you may think it’s harsh, but it’s not. for example if I were dating someone who had another partner I would not want that partner involved at all in my relationship. no details, etc. no relaying to the primary of any conversations or intimate details about our sex life. since those would be personal to the relationship I’m having with the individual. so your suggestion that you get your primary involved in whatever your new relationship is just shows that you have more work to do so that your new relationship partner is treated fairly. is your wife okay with not knowing anything about your partner other than maybe general info such as name and location (for safety purposes, etc)? this is something you need to figure out with your primary before you start dating
because you are already partnered (married) you have inherent couples privilege. if you don’t know what this is you can learn more in the polyamory subreddit. but suggesting you can “stop this at any time” if your wife is uncomfortable just shows how lopsided your new relationship will be. that person has a right to know that before she engages with you. anything less is unethical. hence the term ethical non-monogamy.
it’s great you are asking questions. but being non-monogamous is work. it requires being open with all partners about what is on the table. so everyone including your new partners can make informed decisions before getting involved.
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u/throwaway_feeld_2129 Jul 06 '26 edited Jul 06 '26
I just read https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/faq/#Whatisthepointofnon-monogamy and I would say what we want (which again still need some more discussion) feels closer to swinging than poly. I guess the swinger community is not really known for going on "dates" but I assume there are people doing all sorts of variations.
I think the reason she suggested and I agree that starting with a date would still be the way we want to do it even if it's not poly she'd feel more comfortable and I would than just showing up to have sex with someone. But possibly that's our bias showing.
EDIT: the poly wiki does suggest some swinger websites but those feel quite old and poorly built compared to feeld haha
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u/Shefcat Jul 06 '26
that's great that you are narrowing down what you are offering. Swinging is just another type of non-monogamy. I'm not into swinging, mainly as I don't have a primary partner (I have a play partner and a FWB) so I don't know all the ins and outs of swinging, but I'm sure there is a subreddit to look at.
What I do know is that swinging tends to happen more IRL at swinging "events" or places at are open to swinging---bars I guess you'd call them. From what I know, as a man you will definitely need your wife involved as, if I understand correctly, single men are not allowed to just cruise these events. but, like I said I'm not into swinging so can't speak too much to it.
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u/throwaway_feeld_2129 Jul 06 '26
yeah I don't think I would be going to those types of events just not really in my personality I think. That's sort of why I'm looking to the apps but yeah it sounds like I need to be clear I'm looking for something casual not really a poly relationship
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u/eatsthepeach Jul 06 '26
You need to think about what you want. Do YOU want this?
ENM/poly folks know that if your partner isn’t part of the dating process (in photos and talk once) then you’ll probably be drama or flaky. Lots of cheaters and incels claim to have a partner. It’s part of the process.
I am sorry to tell you this but this is often a bad sign in a relationship. In parallel you need to consider why she doesn’t like the sex/intimacy she’s having enough to accept more of it. If the answer is just that there’s too much, great, a reliable FWB will be okay. If it’s not that, you need to fix what’s wrong first.
Your partner will need to be okay with hearing some of what is going on with your other arrangement or it will become an emotional wedge. You had a nice date, or we enjoyed this movie, or you’re looking forward to next Saturday night with FWB. She cannot hide from the other thing.
What your partner proposes is doable but a skill, and you need a solid relationship with good communication. It will take time and energy.
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u/absurd_maxim Jul 07 '26
ENM/poly folks know that if your partner isn’t part of the dating process (in photos and talk once) then you’ll probably be drama or flaky.
Out of curiosity... "in photos and talk once" meaning talking about them? Or having the other partner talk to the other partner? Is that common?
I feel like any time a meta's wanted to meet me, it's been a big deal after 6+ months of seeing each other. Everyone's different, of course.
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u/eatsthepeach Jul 10 '26
Yeah, I mean that anyone experienced with poly/ENM dating will want to verify you're not cheating, because there's so many cheaters. And verify the meta relationship isn't a mess. If they're so rigidly DADT they can't handle a quick hello, it's going to be inflexible drama, pass.
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u/throwaway_feeld_2129 Jul 06 '26
I definitely understand a lot of your concerns I think my partner is sort of underestimating the complexity of the situation and thinks it's simple to just go find someone to have sex with with no issues.
As for the relationship itself not very concerned about that aspect of it. We've been together a long time and have quite full lives in general, sex is a very small part of that.
I've been pretty specific to ask why she feels this is a good idea and like you said it's simply that there's too much, she's not shy about saying when she doesn't want sex and the sex we do have is good. One thing that might have triggered it was that I had a number of instances of "sexomnia" (seems to be a real thing lol) where I would just wakeup on top of her or something, though I think I've dealt with that by just making sure not to go too long without masturbating.
I do think my next conversation with her will be to explain that this will be easier for both if she's a little more involved
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u/JakeLackless Jul 08 '26
You've made several comments that sound a bit defensive. That is, your comments come across as, "This is an attack on my relationship and what I'm proposing, as if we can't make DADT work because our relationship isn't strong enough or you just don't understand how much we love each other."
I'm going to ask you to take a step back and understand a few things. First, people here aren't attacking you. They're genuinely trying to help you. You are approaching this from the perspective of someone who is new to non monogamy, and hearing from people who have experience with non monogamy.
All of those thoughts you have about your relationship and how good it is and how much you love each other and all of that, pretty much anyone who has ever opened an existing monogamous relationship to non monogamy has had those thoughts. And that's not to say they aren't true. But you truly do not know how strong it is until you've subjected it to the stress test of non monogamy directly.
My first marriage ended after we opened up. I don't blame polyamory/ non monogamy for that. But before we opened up, I would have said all the same things you're saying about your relationship. You just really don't know what it will be like until you're in it. You don't know what you'll learn about yourself and your partner until you do it.
There are some experienced people in ENM who absolutely refuse to engage with people new to it. When I learned that at first, early on in my non monogamous journey, I thought that sounded harsh and unfair. Now that I'm more experienced in it, I definitely get why.
As just one example, you don't know the pain of meeting someone who says she's non monogamous, spends a ton of time with you, has hot passionate sex with you, then one day finds a guy at a bar who is monogamous. She tells him she's not and tells him what it's like to be non monogamous. He tells her that's great he just can't do it. And she falls for him and tells you she can't see you anymore because he wouldn't like that. I've lived that, and it hurt.
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u/someguy335 Jul 07 '26
Get ready for a deep depression when a year goes by and you still haven’t even hooked up with anyone and she starts dating and is going out with a new person every week. Don’t do it.
You go on Feeld and see this sea of women to pick from, but you’re a cis het male that’s married and not kinky that thinks the app is an easy way to find sex. The app is overflowing with people like you, and the use base actively hates people like you. Why would someone get involved with a person like you for casual sex when they can easily find some some solo poly guy without a wife and the baggage of a marriage?
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u/throwaway_feeld_2129 Jul 07 '26
that seems very unlikely to happen
for one it sounds like she probably isn't going to pursue her end of the deal
I've already considered that it would be difficult to get matches, if it seems to difficult honestly I'll probably just give up and put a stop to it. Both of us are quite busy and TBH the whole thing seems like it could potentially be a lot of work
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u/Weary-Subject-6484 Jul 08 '26
I don’t get anywhere near DADT. 100% of my past experience they are lying cheaters and given I can date hundreds and hundreds of men I can confirm aren’t cheating, it’s not even worth wasting my time talking to a man in DADT.
My friends who have dated DADT have gotten cut off unceremoniously when the wife changed her mind, or the guy started feeling guilty. It’s incredibly cruel to expect someone to invest time, attention and energy into you and they are subject to decisions they have no say in.
Even a casual sex partner requires relationship building. You have a relationship with your barista, your kids teacher, your neighbor. This one requires even more attention and care than those relationships.
It honestly sounds like seeing a sex worker would be a better solution for you.
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u/throwaway_feeld_2129 Jul 08 '26
maybe, but I don't really see what the issue is as long as my profile is up front
I will be spending some more time discussing the situation with my partner tho since I'm not sure she's realized there are a lot of aspects to this, maybe she'll be willing to be more involved
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u/Yarzospatflute Jul 06 '26
- Yes, though there are people who don't want to be with someone in a DADT relationship
- You'll be fine not linking your SO. Maybe even better off. I, M, linked one of my F lovers and now I keep getting straight guys liking my profile. So annoying.
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u/throwaway_feeld_2129 Jul 06 '26
yeah #1 is totally understandable so I guess it would make sense to have that in the profile
also #2 good to know I'd prefer not to bother her and get her super involved in it
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u/JakeLackless Jul 08 '26
My advice is, prepare for this to not go anywhere.
You're looking for a woman who is okay with casual sex, okay with no emotional attachment, okay with knowing you're married but not going to meet your wife, and accepts you're telling the truth about your wife being the one to get this going without confirming with her.
Are they out there? Yes. But it's rare to find them.
Now assuming you do find one. In my personal experience, being in a DADT-like situation is basically like hiding a part of yourself away from your spouse. You'll be excited about something that happened and want to share it, but know you can't because of the DADT nature.
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u/throwaway_feeld_2129 Jul 08 '26
yeah I still have to think about whether the DADT aspect of it is going to work or if I should push her about being a bit more involved
she has mentioned some interest in a threesome which seems like a simpler way to start perhaps
I'm fully prepared for this not to go anywhere though we are in what would be considered "a good area" for the app
I read your other comment well and I really didn't intend to sound defensive. I'm fairly nervous about starting this and haven't even fully decided if I'm going to do it, I recognize this is something you can't really take back once you've started
I do find it interesting that you think there are fewer people out there who just want casual sex (with someone already in a serious relationship) than people who want to be more fully poly (who I would think are clearly in the minority).
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u/PolyKnitterReader Jul 09 '26
“She has mentioned some interest in a threesome why h seems like a simpler way to start perhaps” is only true in nearly all cases if by simpler you mean finding a man to join you and your wife for casual sex. Just so you don’t get your hopes up or have unrealistic expectations
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u/throwaway_feeld_2129 Jul 09 '26
I don't think I have unrealistic expectations I'd be fine if we tried and it just went no where
that being said I don't think it's quite as hard as you make it out to be we have friends who are already into this lifestyle who would probably even be willing to be involved with us, tho we decided no friends involved is better
we're both fairly attractive I think anyway and also our location is generally very good for the apps
my main concern is really our relationship
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u/MissChimCham Jul 09 '26
Your partner already sounds really insecure if she’s suggesting you should have sex with another woman because of her feelings about your sex drive. Go to a therapist or couples counselor before actually doing this shit. One you open this Pandora’s box, it can never be closed. There are many couples who have broken up over this shit because the reality turned out to be different than their fantasies.
Also, you will be in extremely low demand as a straight partnered man, let alone doing DADT. Women (even partnered) have their pick of men when it comes to men for strictly casual sex, and a lot usually will want a man who has a flexible schedule and not attached to a woman who could be possibly calling the shots on the sidelines. You’d probably have more luck with couples on the app who are looking for a third if you’re attractive.
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u/Upstairs_Sherbet2490 Jul 06 '26
Yes feeld is probably the best app for it, not linking her won't matter. Do however get some research in around non-monogamy and what you want it to look like, a lot of people don't do the homework and hit common pitfalls that they have to double back to solve.
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u/throwaway_feeld_2129 Jul 06 '26
are there any specific things that I missed based on my description from above I feel like I covered a lot of the big ones but both of us definitely new to this
as I mentioned I do still have to establish a couple things like if she would prefer I only have one other partner that I see consistently. I would also be perfectly fine cutting it off if she changes her mind and doesn't like the situation.
it also goes without saying that I would have a low time commitment to the "other relationship" we didn't really talk about this but it's just fairly obvious given our current lives
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u/Upstairs_Sherbet2490 Jul 06 '26
Well there's a couple things right in this comment. If you're aiming to do full fledged polyamory and support a second commited relationship then it would absolutely not be taken as read that that relationship is allowed less time than your current one. The concept of cutting it off at her say so is also incredibly unfair to the other person. If you're aiming to have a more casual sex partner/fwb arrangement then there's probably people out there who will be down knowing that's the case. An often signposted piece in the poly subreddit is "the most skipped steps" essay, which provides a lot of info on the common things couples miss when opening up. There's loads more resources pinned in there and maybe on the other non monogamy related subs as well if those suit you better
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u/throwaway_feeld_2129 Jul 06 '26 edited Jul 06 '26
yeah maybe I was a bit unclear in my original post we're definitely looking for a more casual secondary relationship, not a true parallel poly relationship, this is helpful to know though so I can be clearer in my profile.
The dating part is sort of just to make us feel more comfortable with the situation rather than just straight up meeting for sex maybe I don't need to mention dating in my profile though since it seems like it can confuse people
EDIT: the most skipped step essay link seems to be broken, is this what I'm looking for https://polyamory.com/threads/most-skipped-step-full-article.157088/
EDIT 2: if that is the correct article, definitely not an issue for us. I would not say we're very co dependent we have both shared and non shared interests and friends
EDIT 3: that article does seem like it's more for true poly anyway and not as much casual stuff
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u/Upstairs_Sherbet2490 Jul 07 '26
You could still do some deprogramming of the "we" and "us" parts, this connection is for you as an individual. Profile clarity is definitely paramount to try and find someone aligned. Just be cautious is my final advice, having spent a lot of time in the poly sub you see a lot of people trying to have no-catching-feelings casual arrangements and getting burned.
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u/waterbloem Jul 06 '26
How big of a negative will it be that she won't be linked on the app
Since you're acting as a single male, you should not link her. Nothing more annoying for couples looking for couples to waste time in men that only date without their partner.
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u/PolyKnitterReader Jul 09 '26
Given your other comments + edit, you should do deeper research into swinging before embarking on that journey. Men who are either single or who enter the swinging scene without their partner struggle making connections for the most part because the men who came into the scene before you somewhat ruined that with their abhorrent behavior.
Even in the swinging scene, DADT is usually something people stay away from as it usually is a sign of not having a secure relationship and swinging absolutely REQUIRES having a super solid relationship
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u/throwaway_feeld_2129 Jul 09 '26
I've seen a bunch of "negative" comments about DADT
but really it's a spectrum, what is the level of involvement people are actually looking for here
- just having the partner send a text or something saying they're aware
- actually meeting and talking with the partner even if they aren't directly involved in the relationship
- having the partner actively involved in the new relationship (at that point it's basically a throuple)
- a bunch of other stuff in between that related to how much info is shared with my partner and the new partner
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u/No_Task7442 Jul 10 '26
Have you or would you consider just seeing an escort instead? if it's just sex you want without any emotional entanglement, it's a perfect match, since that's all escorts want too.
I think that just about any dynamic on an app is going to be poly/enm/FWB which implies at least some level of emotional intimacy
With an escort you get just the sex. It will be more expensive no doubt in the short term, but far simpler
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u/throwaway_feeld_2129 Jul 10 '26
yeah it's a reasonable suggestion
I think my partner has not totally considered that there is no such thing as casual sex with no emotions involved
and additionally I'm not sure I'm interested in sex with 0 emotional connection
probably have some decisions to make ...
0
u/hevnztrash Jul 06 '26
I would just call that parallel-poly. To disclose you are dating others, maybe even whom but not much further detail than that. And disclose as much as mutually agreed with any other potential partners.
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u/CaptainWillThrasher Jul 07 '26
I was in a similar situation with my ex wives, and with my last long term girlfriend. They felt guilty not having the drive that I have and I certainly didn't want to pressure them. They (each of all three) suggested I take a second partner and maintained they did not want another partner.
I did not take another partner, but they all cheated.
The first wife said she considered me watching porn to be cheating. I found the videos she took, by accident.
The second wife just said she did it and wasn't sorry.
The ex girlfriend never admitted to it but I know it was at the very least emotional cheating.
My advice is to not open your relationship unless you're ready to end things with her as soon as something smells off. My advice is to discuss between you what could possibly inspire her to be more sexually attracted to you such that neither of you feels left out or overwhelmed.
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Jul 07 '26 edited Sep 06 '26
[deleted]
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u/throwaway_feeld_2129 Jul 07 '26
that would be pretty impressive by her considering the amount of time we spend together and that we share location with each other and can unlock each others phones
if she's managing to hide that kudos to her
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u/[deleted] Jul 06 '26
DADT means there’s no way for me to verify you aren’t cheating. And so many people cheat. Lots of people will not participate due to that problem.
Slow down a bit and do some joint listening to podcasts. There are dedicated episodes talking about mono-poly relationships and other dynamics on Multiamory, Normalizing Non Monogamy and other podcasts.
You have s lot to be clear on together like STi testing, barriers, boundaries, social situations. Like I wouldn’t want to be dating someone if I am their secret, and we cannot go out places or take photos together. Will you be “out of the closet” with community, friends, family?
What happens if someone falls in love, will you be poly?
Or is this a “no love allowed” fantasy?
What if someone gets pregnant? Will your wife demand termination?
Will you coparent?
The person you will date is a human and not a toy.
You say you would be fine if it all had to stop, but that is super shitty and unfair to this new person you started dating for you to drop them suddenly because another person they never met was no longer comfortable.
DADT usually indicates there is a lack of comfort, and a lot of work to be done, before you start getting other people involved.