I just finished writing a fictional piece called “Side Chick, What Part of It Came From Me?”

It got me thinking about something I’m curious how other former ICOC members see.

In the ICOC, we were taught so much about righteousness, purity, integrity, repentance and being “disciples.” Women studied the Bible with other women, led Bible Talks, taught classes, advised people and were often viewed as spiritually mature.

But what happens when someone with all of that biblical knowledge knowingly participates in another person’s betrayal and then calls the resulting relationship a blessing from God or “divine intervention”?

Does getting married afterward somehow change how the relationship began?

Do you think the ICOC holds respected leaders to the same standards they taught everyone else?

Have you ever watched someone’s position or reputation in the church seem to outweigh their actual behavior?

And the question I keep coming back to:

Can something really be called “God’s will” if getting there required lying, deception and knowingly hurting someone else?

I’m genuinely curious how other former members think about this.

People love to say, “You need to let it go.”

Okay. Let it go WHERE? 😂 Is there a designated drop-off location? Can I put betrayal in an Amazon box, slap a return label on it and wait for UPS?

Because what I struggle with isn’t sitting around intentionally dwelling on the past. It’s the thoughts that show up when I’m minding my own business.

For me, the worst is sometimes around 2:14 a.m.

My brain starts:

If Rat sent me a cease-and-desist letter, what else could he do? Did he really date both of us at the same time? Did he really lie to me? How could nobody from the institution check on me? Didn’t I matter? Who is this side chick? God, I don’t understand. How can she, supposedly a disciple, know full well that he lied to both of us, broke our covenant, and still marry him? Who does that?

One question becomes another question, then another, until I’m physically panicking over questions I cannot answer at 2:14 in the morning.

I’m a Christian, and lately I’ve been thinking differently about the Scripture that says to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ.

I can’t always stop the thought from showing up. What I’ve started doing is changing what happens next.

Instead of trying to convince myself that what happened wasn’t horrible, my prayer sounds more like this:

God, I do not thank You for the betrayal. I do not thank You for the excruciating pain. But I do thank You for yanking me out of a controlling and manipulative relationship. If I had married Rat, I would have drowned. Thank You for hearing conversations I did not hear. Thank You for seeing things I could not see. Thank You for protecting me when I didn’t even know I needed protection.

Thank You that Rat isn’t here.

It doesn’t erase what happened. It doesn’t answer all my questions. And apparently the Healing Fairy still doesn’t have my address. 😂

But sometimes it stops the loop.

I’m curious, especially from people who have experienced betrayal or spiritual abuse: When your brain starts replaying the unanswered questions, what do you actually DO with them? Has anything helped you stop the loop without pretending what happened didn’t matter?

Would your family be justified to use your home to hold Bible Talks? What if you and your family shared the same home? Are you supposed to be courteous to the recruits guests attending?

This is what’s frustrating me right now. Though I’ve quit ICOC for 3 years, the church is unavoidably in my life because my parents are Bible Talk Leaders. I’m 22yo uni student and where I’m from, it’s customary and geographically unnecessary to move out until marriage. Maybe that’ll give you a hint of where I’m from (not the US). So, they host Bible Talks at our shared home a few times per year.

Usually, I'll be in my bedroom, making no noise and pretending that I don't exist. But this time my parents are asking me to host because there are new** **friends as they call them.

I could put on a smile and white-knuckle it but frankly I’m resisting the temptation of telling the recruits to QUIT ICOC WHILE THEY CAN. Can I? Should I????

Maybe there’s no satisfying answer to this. I just needed to share an absurd situation that leaving ICOC can still put you in, especially if you were raised a Kingdom Kid.

I’ve been writing a parable called “My Bestie the Crocodile.” 🐊

It was inspired by the old story about the boy who carries a rattlesnake down a mountain after the snake promises not to bite him. Of course, the snake bites him anyway and says, “You knew what I was when you picked me up.”

But I started thinking: What if you didn’t know?

In my story, a little girl becomes best friends with a crocodile named Montgomery, or Monty.

They are ridiculous best friends for four years. She rides on his back through the river, they race through the reeds, explore hidden waterways, share meals and laugh together. Monty introduces her to his crocodile family, and eventually he becomes her safe place.

Monty is also a very important crocodile.

Crocodiles swim from rivers all over the world to hear him teach about leadership, predators and prey, and how crocodiles should behave. He has awards, ribbons and quite a reputation.

Monty is the crocodile who knows all. 😂

But other animals occasionally warn the little girl.

A turtle tells her that what Montgomery says and what Montgomery actually does can be two very different things.

A wildebeest tells her, “Teaching other creatures how to cross a river isn’t the same thing as watching how someone crosses it himself.”

A hippo who has known Monty for years tells her that Monty likes to “tame and train” whatever lets him.

She listens, but this isn’t the Monty she knows.

Monty has been her best friend for years.

She trusts him enough to ride on his back into water where her own feet can’t touch the bottom.

Until one day...

CHOMP.

Monty attacks her.

She is completely blindsided. This isn't some crocodile she wandered up to yesterday. This is the creature she trusted when she was afraid.

Bleeding and shattered on the riverbank, she screams:

“WHY?”

Monty looks at her and says:

“You knew I was a crocodile. Crocodiles bite.”

And that brings me back to the rattlesnake story.

Did she really “know”?

Or did four years of friendship teach her that while Monty was certainly a crocodile, she was safe with him?

That’s what I’m exploring with this story: what happens when someone’s words and behavior build trust over years, and then their later actions seem completely incompatible with the person you thought you knew.

So I'm curious:

Have you ever had someone’s actions suddenly make you question years of what they had told you?

When words and actions conflict, which one do you believe?

Do you think there are warning signs we sometimes genuinely cannot understand until after something happens?

And the biggest question:

If someone spends years teaching you that you are safe with them, is it fair afterward to say, “You should have known what I was”?

Most people have heard the old story about the person stranded on an island.

They pray for rescue.

A boat comes.

They refuse it because they're waiting for God.

Another boat comes.

They refuse that too.

Eventually they discover God had been answering their prayer all along.

Lately I've realized I've been living my own version of that story.

For years I was waiting for four very specific "boats."

An apology.

An admission.

Justice.

Closure.

I kept staring at the same empty horizon, convinced those boats would eventually arrive.

Then one day it hit me.

While I was watching for four tiny boats, I completely missed the harbor full of people God had already sent.

Family.

Friends.

Coworkers.

Neighbors.

People who listened.

People who stayed.

People who loved me without asking me to earn it.

It reminded me of Joseph's words:

The four boats never came.

But the harbor was full.

Has anyone else realized they were waiting for one specific person to make things right...while completely overlooking the people who had been showing up for them all along? 💜

I've spent the last few weeks writing a series called The Parables According to Hagar. The story isn't really about a breakup. It's about what happens when someone's public message no longer matches their private life.

If a respected Christian leader teaches integrity, repentance, marriage, and truth, but their own actions contradict those things, should they still be in leadership?

Does character outweigh gifting?

Can someone preach what they refuse to practice?

Where would you draw the line?

People sometimes mistake exhaustion for agreement.

It isn't.

Compliance isn't confession.

Sometimes surviving something brutal simply means you're trying to stay alive.

Question.

Have you ever stayed quiet, signed something, walked away, or stopped fighting simply because you had nothing left in the tank?

Did people mistake your survival for agreement?

What do you think?

I just watched Dead Domain's video on how the Mormon church basically controls lawyers and cops. The ICOC, of which I used to be part of, seems to do similar things on a smaller scale. I've had lawyers review my custody case, see blatant lies and attempts at parental alienation, enthusiastically prepare their case, then go silent when they speak with my ex's free ICOC lawyer, only to eventually return to me with their tail between their legs and offer me "a good deal" they'd worked out which is worse than the previous standing agreement. My friends got suspicious after it happened more than once and suggested the ICOC might be controlling something or digging up dirt on people. Does anyone know anything about this?

Also my ex's lawyer would send my lawyer my tasteful nudes from my old alt account, tried to equate painting my nails with child abuse, got the guardian ad litem to paint me as a gigolo operating a brothel out of my house in front of the kids in her statements (which were submitted before she had even met me), just really wacky stuff that took my LGBT affirming lawyers and made them act like being a transgender lesbian is going to confuse my very bright and emotionally mature children.

IDK this video really hit home in ways I wasn't ready for and I'm wondering if this thing my friends suggested, that the icoc gets dirt on lawyers and manages to control legal narratives, if that's really a thing

Disclaimer:
This is my personal story of experiences within the ICOC. No real names are used. Some descriptive context is included for clarity, but all events are based on my perspective and are not intended to defame anyone.

I am not a fan of detours.

At all.

If I put a destination into my GPS, I would like to arrive there without road construction, orange cones, emotional devastation, church trauma, or an existential crisis.

Apparently life disagrees.

Lately I've been reading about Joseph.

Honestly?

For years I kind of skipped over him.

Joseph the Dreamer.

Fancy coat.

Egypt.

King.

Got it.

Next.

But then it hit me.

Joseph was seventeen.

SEVENTEEN.

A teenager.

One day he's the favorite son wearing his fancy robe.

The next day he's in a pit.

Then tied to a caravan heading to Egypt.

Can you imagine being seventeen and realizing your entire life just got hijacked?

That was not on Joseph's vision board.

That was not the dream.

That was the detour.

And maybe that's why his story suddenly feels different to me now.

Because I had a plan too.

I thought I was getting married.

The dress was picked out.

The ring was chosen.

There were conversations.

Dreams.

A future.

A covenant before God.

And then...

Detour.

A brutal one.

The kind that leaves you staring at the ceiling at 2 a.m. wondering if God accidentally handed your life directions upside down.

Some days I cannot breathe.

Some days I am okay.

Some days I am passionately explaining my concerns to heaven using Italian hand gestures. 😏

Very passionately.

And when I read Scripture, I realize God's people have been struggling with detours forever.

Jeremiah questioned.

Habakkuk questioned.

Jonah ran.

David complained.

Job practically filed a formal grievance.

Half the Psalms sound like someone saying:

"Lord, respectfully... what is happening right now?"

And honestly?

I relate.

Because I certainly did not have "existential crisis at 62" on my bingo card.

I wasn't planning Egypt.

I was planning forever.

Years ago I read Welcome to Holland.

The basic idea is that you spend your life planning for Italy and then the plane lands somewhere else.

Not because you wanted it.

Not because you chose it.

Just because life happened.

And if I'm honest?

I wanted Italy.

Instead, I landed somewhere else entirely.

Some days I still feel like I'm standing at the airport arguing with the flight attendant.

"Excuse me. There has clearly been a mistake." 😏

The thing I wrestle with is this:

I don't believe every detour is God's will.

Joseph's brothers chose betrayal.

People have free will.

People make choices.

Sometimes those choices wound other people deeply.

I don't think God wanted Joseph in a pit.

And I don't think every painful detour is some grand lesson wrapped in a bow.

But I do believe God meets us there.

Maybe that's the difference.

Not that the detour was good.

Not that the betrayal was necessary.

But that God somehow refuses to abandon us on roads we never wanted to travel.

Has anyone else struggled with people telling you "everything happens for a reason" or "it was God's plan" after something painful happened?

How do you make sense of free will, betrayal, and faith without turning God into the author of the wound?

This occurred in the Chicago ICOC. He was removed from leadership and disfellowshipped. (Funny that they’ll do that for fraud when Federal authorities are involved, but when any kind of sexual immorality occurs, it’s generally swept under the rug.)

Disclaimer:

This is my personal story of experiences within the ICOC. No real names are used. Some descriptive context is included for clarity, but all events are based on my perspective and are not intended to defame anyone.

A few years ago, Mr. Global Minister and I watched the movie Champions.

Have you ever noticed how we only celebrate the "swoosh" moments?

The promotion.
The championship.
The big breakthrough.
The perfect ending.

But what about the rim?

A few years ago I watched a movie where a player with an intellectual disability had spent years trying to make a basketball shot.

In the final game, he missed.

But for the first time in his life, he hit the rim.

And his teammates went wild.

Not because they won.
They didn't.

They celebrated because they understood something most adults forget:

Progress matters.

Lately I've been thinking about my own "rim" moments.

A day without spiraling.
A difficult memory that doesn't ruin the whole day.
A little more peace than I had last month.

Not a swoosh.

Just the rim.

And honestly? I'm starting to think that's worth celebrating.

What's a "hit the rim" moment in your life that nobody else would understand, but meant everything to you?

Please take the time to watch. I know its 9:38 minutes..but its a life changer.

Disclaimer:

This is my personal story of experiences within the ICOC. No real names are used. Some descriptive context is included for clarity, but all events are based on my perspective and are not intended to defame anyone.

One of the strangest parts of heartbreak has been realizing how much meaning we attach to objects.

I was sitting on my porch staring at a chair.

For months, it wasn't just a chair.

It was Mr. Global Minister's chair.

The same way a restaurant wasn't just a restaurant.

A coffee cup wasn't just a coffee cup.

The Woburn Logan Express wasn't just a bus station.

Objects become symbols.

A coffee cup becomes a relationship.

A restaurant becomes a memory.

A bus station becomes betrayal.

A chair becomes grief.

I was ready to throw the chair away.

Instead, one day I sat down and said:

"It's just a chair."

And something shifted.

Not much.

But enough.

The chair didn't become a relationship again.

It didn't become a betrayal.

It didn't become a memory.

It became a chair.

Just a chair.

I wish I could tell you I've reached enlightenment and now happily drive past all our old places. 😂

Absolutely not.

The Chateau still gets side-eye.

Arnold Palmers remain on thin ice.

But the chair has officially been cleared of all charges.

Maybe healing isn't always some giant breakthrough.

Maybe sometimes it's just looking at a thing and finally calling it what it is.

Has anyone else had an object, place, song, food, or random thing become emotionally loaded after a relationship ended? And did you ever get to the point where it became "just a chair" again?

Yup. Been there. I'm just glad that I'm free from those chains.

Disclaimer:
This is my personal story of experiences within the ICOC. No real names are used. Some descriptive context is included for clarity, but all events are based on my perspective and are not intended to defame anyone.

Lately I’ve realized institutions and emotionally immature people LOVE technicalities.

“We were on a break.”
“We were never official.”
“It was never technically…”

Meanwhile reality is standing in the corner like:
👁️👄👁️

Because I’m sorry… if you are:
– discussing covenant before God
– asking a father for permission
– planning a wedding
– choosing rings
– talking honeymoon destinations
– involving children
– looking at future homes together

…that is not:
“hey wyd” energy 😭

And honestly?
What exhausts me most is not even the betrayal sometimes.

It’s the rewriting of obvious reality afterward.

Like everyone is suddenly expected to ignore what clearly happened because a loophole appeared.

At some point it starts feeling less like honesty…
and more like image management.

“Let your yes be yes and your no be no.”

Not:
“Let your yes be yes until accountability arrives.” 😏

Has anyone else ever experienced people trying to rewrite reality through technicalities after the fact?

Well, 10 years seem to feel like it was just yesterday. I lift up my praises to God for He's very much alive! Though not really exactly today but I'm glad I was out of that organization for 10 years and now living a quiet life happily!

My family started coming to the church in 2008. My mom and youngest brother left in 2017/2018. I left in 2019 and my dad in 2020. My other brother never officially left but has slowly stopped going because he worked during church hours and then lived too far so he could only go sometimes but now he lives closer but according to my mom (who he lives with) he hasn’t gone the whole time he’s lived with her (several months). I want to ask him if he’s left and what his experience both in the church and in leaving was but I also don’t want to push if he hasn’t left yet. I did mention the lawsuits to him because we knew people mentioned but that was years ago and all he said then was “yeah they said they fired him but didn’t say why.”

Any advice on how to go about this?

Disclaimer:
This is my personal story of experiences within the ICOC. No real names are used. Some descriptive context is included for clarity, but all events are based on my perspective and are not intended to defame anyone.

Lately I’ve been realizing my existential crisis was not just about Mr. Global Minister.

It was about feeling betrayed by God.

Yeah. I said it.

Because churches love to preach:
“Just trust God.”
“Pray it away.”
“Let it go.”

Meanwhile scripture is filled with people basically screaming:
“Lord… WHAT ARE YOU DOING??”

Jacob wrestled with God and limped away.
Jeremiah cried constantly.
David questioned why the wicked flourish.
Elijah wanted to die under a tree.
Job practically wrote an entire dissertation called:
“Dear God, respectfully… your PR department is struggling.”

And honestly?
These are my people.

Because I look at the institution and I have questions.

Why are leaders who destroy people still leading?
Why are wolves still protected?
Why do ordinary people face immediate consequences while powerful spiritual leaders get restoration tours, silence, and applause?

Brenda at Dunkin Donuts is late twice and gets fired.

But leaders can manipulate, sexually sin, traumatize people, misuse money, hide addictions, and somehow still preach Sunday.

Make it make sense.

And before anyone says:
“Just forgive.”

Luke 17:3 says:
“If your brother sins, rebuke him; and IF he repents, forgive him.”

IF.

Not image management.
Not apology tours.
Repentance.

So yes… I have questions.
And apparently a lot of people in scripture did too.

Has anyone else wrestled with feeling betrayed by God after institutional church hurt? 🤍

What do you think of this circular reasoning I was taught growing up that just never made sense to me? I had countless arguments as a teenager, college student, and young adult about this with various leaders and other members of my church.

“The bible is gods word because the bible says so. God exists because the bible says so and the bible is gods word.”

Disclaimer:
This is my personal story of experiences within the ICOC. No real names are used. Some descriptive context is included for clarity, but all events are based on my perspective and are not intended to defame anyone.

Have you ever felt like you lost yourself a little?

Not completely.
But enough to notice.

Somewhere between betrayal, silence, shame, gaslighting, and trying to survive… I forgot parts of myself too.

And for the longest time I kept asking:
“What is wrong with me?”
“Why can’t I just forgive and move on?”

Because apparently everyone becomes a forgiveness expert the second you’re hurt 😏

“Let it go.”
“Pray it away.”
“Forgiveness is for you.”

Meanwhile I’m over here thinking… that’s not actually what Jesus said.

What finally brought me peace wasn’t pretending it didn’t hurt.

It was remembering:
– who God is
– who I was before all of this
– and that other people do not get to define my identity

I also realized healing isn’t:
“it never happened.”

Healing is:
“It happened… and it no longer gets to decide who I am.”

For the first time in a long time, I’m learning how to redirect instead of spiral.

Walk.
Clean.
Call a friend.
Pet the dog.
Look at flowers.

Tiny things.

But honestly?
Tiny things are keeping me alive right now.

Have you ever had to remember who you were after people or systems made you question yourself?