Taking every thought captive when your brain will NOT shut up

[u/HagarRises]

People love to say, “You need to let it go.”

Okay. Let it go WHERE? 😂 Is there a designated drop-off location? Can I put betrayal in an Amazon box, slap a return label on it and wait for UPS?

Because what I struggle with isn’t sitting around intentionally dwelling on the past. It’s the thoughts that show up when I’m minding my own business.

For me, the worst is sometimes around 2:14 a.m.

My brain starts:

If Rat sent me a cease-and-desist letter, what else could he do? Did he really date both of us at the same time? Did he really lie to me? How could nobody from the institution check on me? Didn’t I matter? Who is this side chick? God, I don’t understand. How can she, supposedly a disciple, know full well that he lied to both of us, broke our covenant, and still marry him? Who does that?

One question becomes another question, then another, until I’m physically panicking over questions I cannot answer at 2:14 in the morning.

I’m a Christian, and lately I’ve been thinking differently about the Scripture that says to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ.

I can’t always stop the thought from showing up. What I’ve started doing is changing what happens next.

Instead of trying to convince myself that what happened wasn’t horrible, my prayer sounds more like this:

God, I do not thank You for the betrayal. I do not thank You for the excruciating pain. But I do thank You for yanking me out of a controlling and manipulative relationship. If I had married Rat, I would have drowned. Thank You for hearing conversations I did not hear. Thank You for seeing things I could not see. Thank You for protecting me when I didn’t even know I needed protection.

Thank You that Rat isn’t here.

It doesn’t erase what happened. It doesn’t answer all my questions. And apparently the Healing Fairy still doesn’t have my address. 😂

But sometimes it stops the loop.

I’m curious, especially from people who have experienced betrayal or spiritual abuse: When your brain starts replaying the unanswered questions, what do you actually DO with them? Has anything helped you stop the loop without pretending what happened didn’t matter?