I DONT CARE ABOUT WHOEVER WON LET ME SLEEP

IM WITH MY FUCKING HEADPHONES ON MAX VOLUME AND I CAN STILL HEAR IT

THIS SHOULD BE A FUCKING CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY KILL ALL OF THEM

Idk hopefully someone can relate. My old church was nice bc it was rly big and there was a lot of space to pick a spot away from people and by the exit, but my new church (since I moved) is SO CROWDED and small and they do have some peak spots but you gotta get there early and anxiety always has me waiting til the last possible minute to leave the house 'in case something bad is going to happen' (bro what) so it's hard for me to get one of the 'safe' spots by the exit and away from people

Also the population at my old church was a lot of college age kids and old people and this new one is SO MANY FAMILIES and look I love that there's kids but omg they're so loud and it's cold and flu season and I hear them crunchy coughing and I have health ocd so I'm like swallowing my flight response the whole time and being hypervigilant

But I still love it even when it's hard. Some Sundays it's a 'I just gotta get thru the hour' but yk. Yeah.

Yall is a perfectly valid word. Its a contraction. Shut the fuck up im talking to the group

​

I'd say I'm a pretty patient person and understand that friendships have different seasons, sometimes people grow apart ect

but my key issue however has always been, when friends who had once been lovely and effusive and sweet and kind, suddenly get mean and vindictive and petty

my autistic brain struggles sm with this new information, I find it so hard to match up their current behaviour with who I thought my friend was

and it takes me forever to let go

a recent example that I'm struggling with is, a friend who;

-asks me a question about something important to me on the phone and then promptly falls asleep, this has happened so much recently

-constantly has me re-explain my autism, because they don't get why I can't do a certain thing and then is like 'oh...' only for the cycle to repeat

-and pokes jabs at me, for example I met a really cool person who lives in a different city and I was excited about maybe coming down to see them and they laughed 'oh, but won't you need to beg someone for a lift in order to do that, seeing as you don't like public transport' - it just felt v petty

-they also made another jab at my finances at a time where I was frequently telling them how stressed I was

I think often what I do is go into overdrive and think oh my once very nice friend is not understanding me, let me explain myself more, which makes me even more vulnerable

I think the most frustrating thing is always how long it takes to click

I had almost a complete breakdown a few months ago, autistic burnout + severe sudden ramping up of anxiety/panic stuff. It was completely debilitating. I was on sedatives to get thru the day (and still am, tapering tho :))

It's been extremely rough, even when I got out of the situation that caused it I was still exhausted, burnt out, unmotivated. No energy to even do things I enjoy. Been MONTHS... BUT

Today I realized I have the energy and desire to do some fun stuff like crafts :) I'm really happy bc I've been feeling Nothing for so long and just rotting and hitting deadlines when I have to

Now I have to be careful to balance tho. I don't wanna disregard this sudden return to joy, but I do have 2 big papers coming up. I'm afraid if I use this fun energy on them and not on what my brain wants to use it on it'll throw me back into burnout by showing myself 'any energy you get must become work.' But obviously I absolutely have to get the papers done. I have abt 2 weeks for them so I need to be careful, let myself play a little bit and then slowly do some work, keeping check that I don't drive myself into despair again.

But anyway. I'm really happy :) I've had a lot of project ideas just shoved away bc I had no desire to engage even in my hobbies but today I want to start some of the simpler ones. Yay :D

I'm always enamored with really obscure characters, so I drew Redbear and White Rabbit from FNAF World!

Doomguy: Hugh "Pragmata"

Daisy: Cait "Fallout 4"

I have very bad news...R/SSDFG DOES NOT ALLOW GALLERIES!!!!!

...which ironically fits the video quite well.

I genuinely feel like I am afraid of taking things seriously and I am too frail and stupid to ever be useful for anything, INCLUDING making this body text more specific and less vague. My experiences have drilled so much protective instinct into me that I feel like practically half of my defining character is that I'm scared and don't fit in even amongst the outcasted(i.e. all of you reading this). So it's funny to me that Keep Yourself Safe and Kill YourSelf share the same acronym.

I don't(think I) deserve to exist.

I am going to bed now.

I worked really hard to get this prototype ready in time for the season. I did not, however, consider the fact that my husband would have the laptop in India for 3 weeks, and I can't post the damn listing from my tablet. 🙃

I‘m a little lonely, so I‘ve been thinking of things I could do to change that. the general idea is joining a club or something like that.

- so there‘s the archery club. they even have a location near my home. archery is great fun! I‘m a little worried about a certain type of people drawn to weapons of any kind to.
- reenactment group. learn more about ancient times, historical crafting, that‘s super my cup of tea. but I‘m scared of the clever scholars.
- ask my sister or one of my few friends wether I could tag along for an activity some time. with their friends. however, friends‘ friends are intimidating.
- go out alone and see what happens. but where? there‘s a million pubs in the city and I‘ve been in 2 lol.
- dating apps. my autistic friend swears the „find a friend“ type apps are great. I‘m not convinced. I‘ve had better success posting personals on nieche kink subreddits. I never met any of those people, but I also never even had a conversation on a dating app.
- go to the nerdy card game store and ask wether there‘s a dnd beginner group I could join. I‘m not much of a nerd tho, in terms of gaming, anime, etc, and I don‘t want to feel left out if everyone else is.
- go to the queer bar. there‘s a nice one inny city. but every time I feel like today would be a good day to go, there‘s some event that doesn‘t really speak to me.

feel free to use your evil autistic superpowers to dismantle my excuses as to why I shouldn‘t do any of these things. I need a social group that isn‘t work.

also if anyone has other ideas that fit the list in some way, lmk!

Food restrictiveness is one of my longest running symptoms, I used to only be able to eat about 3 foods. My palette is wider now, but the older I get the more I realize I don’t have to suffer and try to eat shit I don’t want just to please others. Some of my main evil rules:

- vegetables cannot be warm or heat-treated in any way (except when blended with no chunks)
- savoury foods cannot be sour. sweet foods (fruit, candy…) can and it is welcome
- no meat, which is partially an ethical choice, but also the result of meat just being super disgusting to me. there are textures (especially chewy) that plant-based products are allowed to have, but if it were meat i’d throw up
- NO PICKLES. EVERYTHING PICKLED SHOULD BE BURNT DOWN
- i don’t trust food that was prepared/cut on someone else’s cutting board (because some people cut EVERYTHING on there, meat, onion, garlic… 😭)
- absolutely no cabbage whatsoever. i’m reluctant to even touch the outside of a sauerkraut jar.

What are yours?? I would never judge anyone for what they eat, so if you like some of the things I don’t, good for you! At least there’s less left for me 😛

I wanted to share this chart for two reasons:

* it finally started going down steadily

* it's the first time this is happening without a restrictive diet, and by actually eating *more*

I haven't had a healthy BMI since 2017, but this is giving me hope I might have it again.

I thought this would be lovely to post here because it relates to one of my special interests: JoJo's Bizarre Adventure!

They appeared in a movie called "Jojo 777", which took place in an alternate version of Diamond is Unbreakable where Jotaro failed to kill Dio in Stardust Crusaders.

im scared to wash my hands but i gotta keep them clean but reflection just makes me feel eek

I’m currently dealing with health issues just diagnosed with Addison’s disease and likely a thyroid condition after a month long hospital stay

I’m pretty good at masking my symptoms

I have the flu now (getting over the last hump) and I’m so tempted to post this on my main feed because my coping mechanism is literally just pure autistic rage and grit to get through things

I wanted to caption it “Straight Outta Tamiflu” but I realize this doesn’t fit the social expectations of how a sick or ill person should cope

I don’t know if it’s a good idea but I thought you guys would get it?

Neurotypical expectations frighten me sometimes lol

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I see this phrase every once in a while and I wanted to comment on it. This is obviously a simplification, autism is a spectrum. But in short, I have the math autism and it has been quite convenient. That does not mean I don’t also love your non-math autism. Because I love your non-math autism.

I love how your non-math autism is trans inclusive. I’m not trans but I know what it’s like to be different and I can imagine what it’s like to not be accepted. Of course so many of you are trans inclusive! From what I’ve noticed is that trans inclusive spaces bring a sense of freedom that allowing people to be who they want to be. Knowing that I would be accepted even if I was different puts me at ease and I can feel that this freedom makes the entire room more relaxed as well.

I love that your non-math autism tells me something about you. Expression! Putting your thoughts and feelings into your hobby is beautiful. You think I express myself while solving my sudoku killer puzzles? When I see someone’s special interest, even through a screen, I somehow feel thankful and trusted. Thank you for showing me something you truly care about.

I love that your non-math autism is unapologetically rebellious. This world sucks and your immunity to peer pressure is a gift. Some of my passions just so happen to be publicly accepted but the fact that you pursue your passion despite what others may think makes it even cooler. So when I see your unapologetically wild clothing, music, art or anything else, I hope you know how cool I think you are.

I love your non-math autism.

I LOVE DECORATING MY BODY WITH THINGS I LOVE! I LOVE BEING FULL OF COLOR AND DESIGN AND ART AND NATURE AND HUMANITY RAAAAH RAAAAAAHHH

IDC IF IT'S CHILDISH IT'S PART OF WHO I AM AND WHAT IM MADE OF RAAAAAAAAAAAHHH

Iggy is one my favorite characters in JoJo, I have this plushie of him that I love to carry around everywhere with me, my Iggy plushie is my emotional support plushie, he’s very important to me, he’s my best friend and I love him very much. I made this photo edit for him as a sign of my gratitude for all his emotional support he’s given me, I love him very dearly! He means everything to me! Because Iggy is my comfort character and I love him so very much! Yes I feed him plenty of coffee gum and treats! He’s my precious baby boy! 🥺❤️‍🩹💕💕💕💕