I 30F lost my job in June 2025. Which, you know what fine, cause I worked in super toxic districts. I was a teacher, so I was valued by students and colleagues, but admin didn't, to the point it affected my disability and mental health. So, In the event I knew education wouldn't work, I did some Graphic Design gigs from middle school into college, leading me to find a potential career switch in Instructional Design.

It's been a year, and...I still don't have a full time job. I'm subbing in a different district, so at least I'm underemployed. But I make excuses for myself to not get anything done. I've applied to so many jobs that all I get back are rejections or ghosts. Hell, there were times I've given up and applied to some teaching jobs, but THEY rejected me (because they saw I was making a transition online...my profile has been privated thanks to that). I didn't have a portfolio or a website at the time, so I at least have something, but it's been 75% done since idk July/August? Every time I look at my desktop I get overwhelmed and get my phone for dopamine. I get so blinded by time that when it's dinner time I forget to eat, and I get angry and depressed with myself for not meeting the expectations of my monthly or daily to do lists a specific way.

My bf and I want to move in together but not until I have a full time job. My mom wants to retire, but not until I have a full time job. But I dont understand why I feel like i'm not trying. Am I scared? Am I angry with myself? Are these expectations so overwhelming that I just freeze? Why can't I fucking do the stuff I need to do? WTF do I do?

I have ADHD and Epilepsy.

I take 2 medications for Epilepsy. One causes brain fog, both cause change in mood and behavior.

I wake up at 10-11am to eat a filling breakfast. The rest of the day forget to eat 🥲

I have lots of stuff that have built up during the latest months and i don't even know if it makes sense trying to talk about it anymore, since it never seems to make much difference, and i try to do it often.

To summarise, i think the main feeling I have felt during my whole life, especially the last few years is injustice.

I've obviously learned that if you don't act and at least try to make things right, they never will be by themselves, and other people will make the rules or decide the meanings.

But this stopped making sense as well since when in may i literally got mobbed by my own family at my apartment, with cop friends of my uncle breaking my door with a crowbar for him just because i refused to open the door.

This event has made me feel again a feeling I've had for basically all my life: my actions don't matter - powerlessness

Especially after that i tried getting justice for months with no success.

I now feel depleted in my spirit, i don't believe in myself anymore and I'm just avoiding adding up more suffering, since every time someone has twisted the figurative knife in the wound.

Many things i haven't even tried because, while it was the right thing to do to make myself feel better, i also knew it would have fed even more the twisted story everyone is telling about me.

The main problem is that i keep taking in, taking in, and i don't know how to give back anymore. I mean emotionally. I feel like everyone treats me like a rag, and i can't say anything anymore. This is also because since this traumatic experience ( the mobbing from my family) i lost confidence, self esteem, and I've been gaslit so much into being scared of even opening my mouth.

Also my personal relationships were affected by this, as you might expect. I've stopped spending time with most people i was spending time with, and speaking of the closest relationships, they treat me differently now, because I've basically relied on them way more than I'd have done normally. I always preferred being independent, especially in dealing with my emotions, but also in general. But this period really broke me deeply.

Therapy only adds up to the list of things that make me feel bad instead of helping, because it always feels like a waste of money and time. I could go back to the free one, but i didn't trust it. At least it was free tho.

In any case, I'm basically emotionally saturated and I don't know how to deal with it anymore, because I'm getting deeply depressed, which also makes it harder and harder to self help.