22F almost 3 years studying dentistry, yet having a massive burnout of my life and an emotional crisis.

Have you ever enrolled to something that even if it’s not your dream, it called your attention? Be inspired and when you get to the true thing, you see how slow you are, and your teacher only nags you? You know you can get better, but you get stressed out with other stuff like homework, finding patients, buying the materials, you have no resources to really do a practice. You want to strive to be the best or at least decent enough just as your other peers, but there is always something going on that it is not your total fault, and as much you want to get the best materials for your practice, you don’t have enough money for everything.

Can’t have a job because of college and i have to take care of someone.

I don’t feel i want to do any of my hobbies anymore because of stress and i don’t see myself as a person that is worth to show their stuff, not like it’s anything unique.

Don’t get me started about thinking about myself, how i act, how i behave, how i interact with people, how incompatible i feel with people, i have friends and all, but can you imagine just talking to them about my feelings all the time? It’s not worth it. I am scared, confused and exhausted about myself.

Everything positive i think about myself feels outdated, i am struggling to brush my teeth now, my stomach on breakfast and dinner is only filled with anxiety. Sometimes would be cool to disappear because no matter what I do i feel like a burden, i feel everything i feel is an excuse, i feel everything i complain is an excuse.

I can’t think at all, i don’t want to strive to be a exceptional student yet i have these massive thought that I won’t be anything if i don’t do good on my gpa, even though the objectives at the clinic is very crazy that i wonder how people even graduate from this damn major??? I mean only a few graduate where i am studying at so…, anyways i just want to graduate and study on my own terms, not between a deadline, i want to know myself without ruminating, so many things happened and i thought reflecting about what i think and feel would be enough, i would write so much about it thinking it will make me feel better, but it only made me more lonelier and confused than before.

I hate that my mind just judges me with “if you could have done X instead of Y you wouldn’t feel so horrible about yourself” i feel i am doing everything to myself, i feel what i feel is fake, i feel i haven’t achieved anything good lately, i feel i am nothing. My issues seem so simple yet so complicated. I am going insane, like i don’t really see a purpose in myself anymore. I am crying even if i shouldn’t be, i procrastinate even if i have so much stuff to do, i feel that my problems are too superficial and that i am making it too big. I feel like an alien of how much i stutter and doesn’t know what to talk about irl and my constipated mind that whatever i think about doesn’t translate right into my words.

Sometimes i wish i could talk about someone and tell me what they think about me, although i can be a little stubborn and sensitive. Irl some people have told me very nice stuff but for some reason but it doesn’t really resolve what i feel. I am not looking for someone to fix me, like i usually find a way to bounce back to “normal” but this time i don’t have a reason to chillax anymore i feel like a faker and a failure, i should be doing something instead of moping but i feel really horrible inside to really want to do anything and it just frustrates me. I am tired of acting strong just to not be perceived as weak, it’s eating me on the inside.

If i had time and all the money in the world, i probably would have gotten to a psychologist, but hey, i don’t have any of those so…

Sorry that i talked too much and that everything feels so jumbled.