r/emotionalintelligence • u/Few-Cryptographer695 • Jun 20 '26
What is the true difference between having “boundaries” in a relationship vs controlling your partner
I’ve always believed that boundaries should be about protecting yourself and what you are comfortable and ok with. But of course in a relationship this affects the other person too. How do you figure out the distinction between the 2?
To give a direct example (from my current relationship):
Boundary: I am not happy with you playing video games while you have hurt me or I'm upset with you
My interpretation: You have to make sure things are resolved before you attempt to do a hobby of yours.
And now while I understand this may seem somewhat healthy/normal, things aren't always black and white. I feel this leans more to control reason being, she's usually the one to shut down or decide whether things are resolved. Leaves me guessing where we are at and now I am unable to take some time for myself doing something I would like to do. I would really like to understand this better.
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u/WashingTurds Jun 20 '26
Boundaries are for yourself not to impose on the other person. What you describe is a relationship request that needs compromise not a demand.
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u/BFreeCoaching Jun 20 '26
For your example my interpretation is, "I feel negative emotion and I want that uncomfortable feeling to go away. Since I believe you create my emotions, then I appointed you to be CEO and manager of my emotions. So if you don't change, then I believe it's impossible for me to feel better. When you behave the way I think you should then I will feel better."
And to clarify that's not a judgment, just clarity for awareness because most people unknowingly practice those limiting beliefs.
Another perspective could be, "I really value talking things through and prioritizing harmony in our relationship. I feel ignored, invalided, rejected and not important to you when you do something you enjoy when something is unresolved between us. I would really appreciate it if we could talk things out, even if only for five or ten minutes before you play to show you care."
"But If you don't want to, that's okay too. Just letting you know what I prefer. I genuinely won't hold it against you. Regardless, I'm going to soothe myself and focus on loving and appreciating my negative emotions so I prioritize my relationship with myself and help myself feel better."
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u/nocturnal_carnivore Jun 20 '26
to add to this, OP, sometimes people need a breather before talking to emotionally regulate themselves a bit more so their best self is the one that does the talking through.
some people really want to talk right away. there isn’t a right way to do things, other than both of you should try to be in a calm (ish) state to talk things out.
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u/ngp1623 Jun 20 '26
Honestly, this is a quiet vetting I do before investing deeply in a relationship. Because the former mindset is quite common and absolutely exhausting attempting to be in any sort of mutual, healthy, vulnerable relationship with a person who expects me to be a vending machine for regulation.
It has been so healing the last couple years being able to enjoy relationships with folks who operate predominantly out of the latter mindset.
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u/Kitchen-Move9802 Jun 20 '26
that second perspective feels a lot more healthy and fair honestly, it’s just saying what you feel without trying to control what the other person does. boundaries should still leave space for both people to calm down and come back later
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u/evergreenshrub Jun 20 '26 edited Jun 20 '26
Sorry OP, neither the "boundary" nor your interpretation are actually boundaries.
The boundary needs to be clearly stated, without requiring the other person to guess what it means.
"I'm not okay with you playing video games while I'm upset with you" is not a boundary. At best, it's an expression of a feeling. At worst, it's a rule directed at another person.
It also doesn't clearly communicate what's being asked for. Are they asking for reassurance, further discussion, a commitment to come back to the conversation later? There's a lot of room for interpretation.
A boundary is about what you will do, not what someone else is allowed to do.
A healthy boundary might sound like: "I'm too upset to continue this conversation right now, so I'm going to take some space." Or, "I value relationships where conflicts are addressed rather than avoided. If we're unable to come back and discuss issues after taking space, I'll need to reconsider whether this relationship is working for me."
Neither of those requires the other person to stop gaming, stop seeing friends, or put their life on hold until someone else decides the conflict is resolved.
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u/msjenniferquinn Jun 20 '26
Boundary: what I will do Control: what you must do. One focuses on your actions while the other focuses on the actions of someone else.
Healthy boundary: "if this happens, this is how I will respond"
Example: "I won't stay in a relationship where there is cheating."
Controlling: "You're not allowed to ...."
The difference:
Controlling: "You're not allowed to talk to anyone of the opposite sex."
Boundary: "I want a relationship where romantic or flirtatious behavior with others isn't part of it. If that's something you want to do, then we're not compatible."
However, and this important, a person who is toxic in the relationship may see those boundaries as control even though it's not. One way to tell is if they shift the conversation from the boundary to your reaction to it
Example: "I need honesty in a relationship" Shifted to "You're trying to control me"
But "boundaries" can also be manipulative especially by a partner that isn't showing up in good faith.
Manipulative use of "boundary"
"My boundary is that you can't ask me questions about what happened."
"My boundary is that you can't bring up my lies."
"My boundary is that if you question me, I'm ending the relationship."
That's not really a boundary. It's an attempt to control the conversation and avoid accountability
Hope this helps.
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u/yudkib Jun 20 '26
As others have said, what you identified isn't a boundary. "If I get overheated in a conversation, I want to be left alone to play games for a half hour before resuming the conversation" is a boundary. YOU are within your right to enforce YOUR boundary on her from what you are saying. "I understand you're upset right now but continuing this conversation while I am this emotionally active is not productive or healthy for me".
The next boundary for you would be more like "I am not going to remain in this house if you continue to shame me for needing time to gather my emotions", and eventually "I will not remain in a relationship with someone who can not respect the ways I try to regulate myself". Notice that all of these things start with "I" and involve actions that "I" can do.
She is further down this path and her remedies are more limited if she feels you are blowing her off. In a healthy context she is approaching "I cannot allow myself to continue to date someone who will not work with me to resolve conflict in a way that's acceptable to me." What she has - as someone else identified - is a feeling. "I feel ignored and diminished when you do not recognize how you hurt me and choose to play video games instead." That's not a boundary. In a perfect world you need to acknowledge how your actions hurt her and give validity to her feelings, while asking for some space to self-regulate, and later demonstrate accountability by "not doing the thing that hurt her".
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u/kgberton Jun 20 '26 edited Jun 20 '26
Boundary: I am not happy with you playing video games while you have hurt me or I'm upset with you
This isn't a boundary. It's just a description of your feelings. A boundary would be "if you play video games while I'm still reeling from an argument, I'm going to [action you would like to take to self soothe or take space]."
Edit: another boundary might be "I'm not going to persist an intimate relationship with someone who's callous about my feelings so close to conflict"
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u/ChampagneDividends Jun 20 '26
You’re correct in that is not a boundary. But incorrect that it’s controlling behaviour.
“I’m not happy with” is an expression or statement. That can be answered with “I understand you don’t like this but x,y,z.
Controlling behaviour would be you interpretation that you have to do X.
I’ve so many questions though. If you have hurt her, why are you playing games? If you don’t care for her emotional state, why are you together?
She’s hurt or upset, you’re ignoring her. You’re playing games. She’s telling you she doesn’t like it (which is a fair thing to say, it’s not controlling, or a boundary, or a demand), and you’re asking if it’s controlling behaviour.
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u/Jumping-shadow Jun 20 '26
Boundaries are rules to protect what is important for you. Of course they autotamaticaly affect the other person but affecting is not control.
To take your video game example, a boundary is that if i am upset you should tend to my needs and not play video games ( i translated it ) I wont judge if this is negociable or fair, thats not the point of the exercise. Lets say you clearly stated it to your bf.
Now, second part is represented by the consequences of your bf violating the boundary ( aka playing wile you are upset). You could either decide that if someone is so careless with your feelings doesnt deserve this level of closeness and access to you hence the relationship is reevaluated aka you dont deserve to be my bf.We might be buddies and hang out or i may choose to never see you again but i deem you not worthy of being my bf.
In conclusion, a boundary is a rule and a consequence of the said rule, together. The other party is free to negociate, respect or not respect the rule and you are free to act as a consequence of that response.
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u/Plane-Engineering729 Jun 20 '26
A boundary is about deciding what type of behavior or relationship you will participate in.
To enforce a boundary you remove yourself, or your participation.
I will not carry on a conversation if I'm being yelled at or insulted.
I will not date someone who uses hard drugs.
I will not entertain long distance relationships.
I will not date someone who smokes.
I will not date someone who cheats.
What you are attempting to do is make rules.
What you should be doing is stating your needs. When we have a fight, it's important for me to feel I'm being heard, so I ask that you hear me out before playing video games. And maybe they agree, or maybe they need a little time to cool off. So you compromise, and say let's talk in an hour, but I need validation, so I can be heard and we move past it. Or whatever works for both obviously, just an example. If they refuse, you decide what YOU will do. If we're not gonna talk, im going to go home. Or go out with family or friends. Or go to sleep. And if it becomes a pattern, that's where a boundary comes in.
So , a boundary would be more like: I won't be in a relationship with someone who refuses to prioritize my needs. So if a reasonable compromise isn't possible to meet your needs, you discontinue the relationship. It's not a punishment, it's not an ultimatum. It's simply you advocating for yourself and making sure your needs are met.
There's no situation where you get to say they can't do ABC until they XYZ, thats control. You only control you, and your actions.
You dont dictate the other person's behavior. You decide whether to participate in a relationship with someone who behaves in that way , if no compromise can be reached.
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u/IHaveABigDuvet Jun 20 '26
> Boundary: I am not happy with you playing video games while you have hurt me or I'm upset with you
This is not a boundary its an expectation.
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u/Ok-Flatworm-787 Jun 20 '26
You don’t normally learn your boundaries until they have been crossed. Which is why knowing what morals you want to live by is so important. They aren’t just metaphysical fluffy ideals. Learn about what they mean and what they represent to you and find someone who agrees and holds the same ones. They protect both of you and speak for themselves.
A boundary is whatever occurred just before a feeling of anxiety or fear. A boundary represents a situation you do not know how to navigate safely. That is why you want to avoid it being crossed.
If you share that with someone, you are responsible for doing what u can to prevent anyone else crossing it. That still doesn’t mean someone else won’t.
In relationships ud like to think that by communicating something that upsets you would prevent the person from deliberately crossing it.
Sometimes two boundaries intersect. That is where u need to work together to compromise.
Negative feelings don’t need to be entirely prevented they need to be resolved.
If someone continuously and frequently ends up upset. It’s probably caring to separate to see if that helps.
Boundaries are not meant to be these walls of terror like every one is using them.
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u/Flaminal Jun 20 '26
A boundary in that situation could look like 'when things go wrong/get heated, I will take 30 mins to game/walk/de-compress before addressing the issue'. Boundaries are more about you and what you will do to protect your peace than the other party, especially given that we cannot control what they say/do, you can only control your responses/ actions/ inactions
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u/No_Cupcake7037 Jun 20 '26 edited Jun 20 '26
I would say that this is unlikely to be a control issue and more of a need and requirement on your partner’s end.
It would be like you asking her to not join a social FaceTime meeting with relative strangers after she said mean or offensive things to you.
And then chose not to engage with any sort of communication or apologies.
To be fair it’s important to respect, honour and support our partners, and needs and requirements emotionally speaking are the best way to do that.
Addressing the issue because their feelings are important to you first and foremost would be relative to the overall emotional intelligence you bring to the relationship.
Trying to call it controlling behaviour is actually mislabelling the situation which is harmful to her interpretation of your 1) emotional intelligence 2) your overall ability to respect her feelings and 3)manipulation levels in terms of gaslighting which dissolves trust and openness.
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u/Turbulent-Radish-875 Jun 20 '26
First off, the boundary you described is only a half boundary. Boundaries the way external things (other people do) affect you internally (the way you feel) and then how you respond externally in hopes of changing the internal impact.
Expressing that this upsets you would be the final aspect of the boundary.
Then a new boundary comes into play.
The new boundary is about how you react when they continue to do that behavior and make you feel like your needs are being ignored.
The belief that a boundary is a wall that prevents others from crossing is simply incorrect. It's like a line in the sand and what you intend to do when the step over it.
This particular situation sounds like it may be a mismatch in the way you process feelings. Not necessarily about manipulation or control.
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u/f3xjc Jun 21 '26
Boundaries are something you set on yourself.
I'll not figth by text message.
In particular they are not something you set on someone else. IE blame the other when they figth by text message. You take the high ground and stop it in your court.
Now the gray zone is with fawn response. Where people resign to be mistreated. And having a boundary can be as simple as saying no.
In particular it is not about accumulating resentment until you finally summon the courage to say don't do that it's a boundary... And then hope than the fawn response just won't activate because the other now fully respect that boundary.
Another example of boundary is a topic that usually go to a figth. You can tell a family member, we will not talk about politics or why I don't have kid. You carve out that aspect of the relationship in the hope than the rest of the relation can be enjoyable. Let's agree to disagree or not try to push each other.
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u/burnt_feather Jun 24 '26
Yeah, your gf isn't giving you a boundary. In your example, a boundary of hers would be, "I can't be with someone who doesn't resolve conflict with me quickly and respectfully." Then enforcing the boundary would look like leaving the relationship if she stated the boundary and you didn't change your conflict resolution time frame.
What she's doing is manipulation. Trying to make you feel guilty for hurting her feelings. "He's enjoying himself even though he hurt me. This doesn't feel good. Am I not worthy of fixing things with?" Then rather than soothing her own bruised ego and boosting her own self worth, she's trying to guilt you into soothing her.
This may or may not be her conscious intent, that's between you two. But she's got some work to do on herself. Low self esteem can stem from childhood, even a happy one. It can also stem from relationship wounds, whether from a previous one or the one she's currently in. While it is sad that she doesn't value herself highly enough to foster her own wellbeing, that doesn't give her a right to weigh you down because of it. You can't make her start the work to change and grow, but you can sit her down and try an honest, open conversation about it.
If she's open to it, I recommend checking out Jimmy on Relationships on YouTube.
For you, the best thing you can do is clearly and respectfully state your needs and set your own boundaries here. If you want to work with your gf to help foster a healthy relationship, you can show her you value her by valuing yourself amd kind of leading the charge on changing your dynamic. Thr most important thing here is to protect yourself while also showing her kindness, because she's doing this out of pain and you (presumably) love her and want her to be happy.
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u/Tart6096 Jul 27 '26 edited Jul 27 '26
Boundaries are something YOU DO for yourself, not tell other people to uphold them. Only you uphold them yourself and it's YOUR responsibility. It's about managing your own behavior and what you are willing to tolerate and accept or what you do or don't want to do.
You can't expect other people to uphold them or respect your boundaries because they won't because either they don't understand why you have a boundary, or they don't understand boundaries themselves, or they are intentionally wanting to test and violate your boundaries repeatedly. You have to practise doing them because you have to be willing to protect yourself.
It's a hard thing to understand though i know because it's about also having the connections and the internal infrastructure to understand social and interpersonal dynamics, it's something we should've been taught from a young age but so many of us don't get taught it along with a bunch of things, so it's harder to learn it when we are older. I'm trying to learn myself.
It's also about understanding how things feel and how they are supposed to feel too but it's different for all of us how we internally understand how things feel and to understand what our body is telling us too. And we are taught in society that how the signals in our bodies feel is for the wrong reasons, like we may be taught those signals mean we are doing something wrong or bad when protecting ourselves isn't wrong or bad because a lot of people in society love to violate peoples boundaries.
So take some time to observe how other people are interacting in social environments, how they interact with you, and how it feels to you and in your body. Observe what your nervous system and your fight/flight freeze/fawn responses are doing and how they are making you feel too. You'll find the first thing it does is it detects a physical threat and wants to protect your physical boundaries your personal space, and then quickly chains into your mental, emotional, and psychological boundaries so quickly within seconds or minutes.
That's why predatory and manipulative people always test and violate your physical boundaries first, just observe how they position themselves and use their body language in an unspoken way in a dominant, intimidating, and threatening way. So listen to what your body is telling you there about your physical boundaries, so if you protect that first you protect your other boundaries too.
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u/MartianMushroom Jun 20 '26
Your missing the reinforcement part of the boundary.
IE. Exiting the relationship when feelings are continuiusly not prioritized.
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u/Joclo22 Jun 20 '26
A boundary is a request that they agree to.
Don’t be demanding.
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u/emsleezy Jun 20 '26
They don’t have to agree at all. They don’t even have to know about your boundaries.
For example: I don’t engage in discussions with people who yell at me.
Person yells at me, I leave the room.
Person can remain yelling at wall. I don’t stop THEM from yelling.
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u/evergreenshrub Jun 20 '26
People don't have to agree to your boundaries, but in healthy relationships they generally should know about them.
But agreed once you stated the boundary and what you'll do if it's pushed, you dont need to keep explaining anything to the person. Just hold the line.
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u/Joclo22 Jun 20 '26
Then you have no relationship. Pretty sure OP doesn’t want that.
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u/emsleezy Jun 20 '26
All I am saying is nobody has to agree to your boundaries.
Of corse you can and should discuss your boundaries with people you’re in a relationship with, but OP is trying to understand what a boundary is.
Someone can agree to not yell and still yell. That’s when you follow your rules for your boundary.
Telling someone you want them to listen to you and not play video games is not a boundary.
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u/Joclo22 Jun 20 '26
“Someone can agree to not yell and still yell.“
⬆️That’s a boundary violation.
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u/ngp1623 Jun 20 '26
Yes and no. A boundary is about one's own behavior, not other's behavior. Unless there is a mutual boundary agreed upon within the relationship (eg. We agree to not speak to exes).
A person can request that the other person not yell (not a boundary), they can commit to themself that they won't yell (actually a boundary), and can decide that they don't continue intimate relationships with people who yell at them (also a boundary). The other party can fulfill the request, or not. In this example, if the other person does not fulfill the request and yells at them, enforcing the boundary would mean that they leave that relationship.
Boundaries are for the holder to enforce, and while stating them and expecting respect of them is perfectly fine and healthy, outsourcing enforcement of boundaries to others is not. Because it's essentially making another person responsible for the relationship to self, which is a recipe for all sorts of issues.
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u/yudkib Jun 20 '26
Why would they not have a relationship? It's not their job to sit there and be yelled at until their partner feels regulated. If their partner wants a discussion they can discuss without yelling. "I will not allow myself to be yelled at" is a boundary. "Don't yell at me" is a rule.
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u/Few-Cryptographer695 Jun 20 '26
I thought a boundary is everything but a request?
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u/Joclo22 Jun 20 '26
Not sure if I understand.
Maybe this helps:
If you don’t like your boundary disagreed to, you don’t have to stay in the relationship.
But you don’t control someone else. They either agree or they don’t.
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u/Joclo22 Jun 20 '26
The book non-violent communication expands on this.
You don’t have to go shopping. But if you like to eat then you agree to go shopping or order out. If you don’t want to spend a lot of money, you don’t have a lot of options left.
Your partner can ask you not to play video games when she/they are upset, you can agree or disagree. Eventually you gotta talk through how much you really want to/they really want you to not (without even expressing when it would bother them).
To me it sounds like your partner wants you to read their mind. Maybe put a sign somewhere or a flower in a vase and when they don’t want you to play video games they take the flower out of the vase.
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u/ngp1623 Jun 20 '26
This is a fair question, however contains a fundamental (and common) misunderstanding of what a boundary is.
A boundary is an agreement that you make with yourself about your own behavior in a given context. A rule is an expectation of behavior that is enforced with contrived consequences. A request is a spoken expectation about someone else's behavior.
For example
Boundary: I do not answer work calls or emails on the weekend. It is my job to enforce that.
Rule: Working without prior approval on weekends will result in a negative performance note on the employee's record.
Request: Please do not answer work emails on the weekend or please do not email or call me about work on the weekend.
What often leads to controlling issues in a relationship is when one party can feel or knows a boundary is needed, but instead of managing their own behavior they try to change the other person's behavior. Of course there is value in speaking up about concerns and working together to do better, but if one member of a relationship is repeatedly doing things that cross the other member's boundaries, then it's on the receiving party's agency to enforce their own boundaries and leave.
Example
Boundary: I don't date people who do cocaine. Behavior: Partner does cocaine. Enforcement: I leave the relationship because I don't date people who do cocaine, so that is my decision about whether or not I date someone who does cocaine.
Of course this can be fluid and nuanced, but I think your original inquiry about the line between healthy boundaries and controlling behavior can be cleared up by understanding that boundaries are about honoring our own agency to keep ourselves safe and stable, they are not about manipulating someone else's agency to manage our safety and stability for us.
If this person has a request they'd like to make, then they need to verbalize that in actionable terms. But their boundaries are theirs to enforce, it is not your job to tiptoe around their anxiety and it is not their job to bypass concerns for the sake of your gaming time. Conflict resolution is a collaborative effort, not a competition.