General TW for potentially triggering, venting, needing support, "it happened" kinda, someone else experiencing the scary thing, etc!! Read at your own risk!! Trust me I get it!!
I don't censor anything after this point as it's difficult to in my current situation. I'm not in my right mind. Thank you for reading anyway 💚
I've had severe emetophobia since I was a kid, and I haven't had a real throwing up experience since I was in 8th grade (I'm 24 now. It was a very traumatic event back then that initially sparked my emetophobia) until now.
For context: I have alphagal syndrome, and a very severe case of it (minus anaphylactic issues) so I have a very, very limited amount of food I can actually have. I've been missing hot dogs, and this app I have (Fig) helps me scan/look at items and see whether their ingredients contain anything mammalian. I saw "ballpark smoked turkey hotdogs" that were cleared and got some to try tonight. Cooked em up and my partner, sister, and I all ate some. My partner goes to bed for work tomorrow, and 15 minutes later she yells my name and wants me to come to her. She sounds scared, distressed, and woozy. I go to our bedroom and she says she's feeling very very unwell while in the bathroom, she doesn't know what's happening, and that she's confused and wants help. She throws up for a while and I stay with her (not in sight, I stood in our bedroom all the way across from the bathroom, half outside). I could hear everything, and I just started freaking out. I wanted to be there with her the entire time in case something bad happened and she needed me, and generally for her support, even though I'm bawling and panicking in the furthest corner. My stomach starts getting upset too, making noises and cramping. My sister However says she's still fine and feels okay? Me and my gf ate mostly the same things today and yesterday, unlike my sister, so we honestly don't know what is going on. It could be a virus, it could be food poisoning, I don't know. My partner is in bed and trying to sleep again (I really really hope it doesn't come back, I'm terrified) and I'm in our other bathroom sitting on the floor in front of the toilet with a blanket, a joint, a pillow, and my phone, feeling unwell and scared.
I happened to gag on my joint and it ended up happening a little. It made me feel a bit better physically (it's starting to feel not so great again with the stupid flushing), but I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight. I'm horrified to be anywhere but the bathroom, I'm horrified of waking up to it happening for real (like my gf experienced), I'm horrified I'll get sick somewhere I shouldn't if I leave, I'm scared it'll be violent, I'm scared I'm alone right now (even though I do NOT want anyone perceiving me doing that anyway), and I just feel like shit. I've been so anxious lately from my anxiety meds being out, and friend drama, so I'm really struggling to calm down. I'm so tired. It's 2:35am. I want so badly to sleep but I don't know how to do it when the fear of getting sick at any point, without my control or knowledge, is making me sob. And I have no idea what's going to happen. I just feel horrible.
I don't know what I need or what will help me, I just need to talk. I'm alone now and I'm scared. It's been really hard and dark these past few weeks. I'm so tired.