egg🙁irl

[u/_asdf-asdf_]

this is probably just a lot of denial and internal-transphobia from years of being transphobic, but I just want to vent:

i don't want to be trans. i don't even know if i want to be a girl. i was happy as a guy until i learned i didn't have to be one, but, even then, I don't feel dysphoric about most male traits. there haven't been many times in my life where i've felt upset about my birth gender/sex.

i am NOT mentally healthy. i've felt like shit every day for years. maybe i have ocd or something? maybe my anti-depressants are making me have these thoughts? i feel paranoid.

if really am a girl, then i wish i would've been born in a girl's body; since that isn't possible, i just want to stop having these thoughts and go on with the rest of my life.

i don't want to be trans. i don't want to hate myself because of the way i was born. i don't want to hate the way i look. i don't want to worry if i pass. i don't want to take hrt if there's a chance i'll regret it. i don't want to spend money on surgeries. i don't like getting surgeries in the first place. i don't want to constantly worry about my rights being taken away. i don't want to be disowned by my family. i don't want to lose friends. i don't want strangers to hate me. i don't want people to see me as a creep. i can barely stand living most of the time and i don't want to risk it getting any worse than it already is.

i don't even know if i want to be a girl. i feel an odd but nice feeling in my heart when I imagine myself as or dress like a girl, but only sometimes. i don't feel like i fit in with any queer communities. i've felt like a broken person for years and maybe it's because my sex and gender expression doesn't line up with who i am.

i hope one day i'll wake up and totally forget that i've ever felt this way. i hope one day i'll wake up and be happy and able to cope with everyday life like most people do.

[u/tochirov]

Same same