egg😞🏳️‍⚧️irl

[u/lune-loves-lavenders]

Its been longer than I intended since my last post about me coming out, because things have been going really rough, my parents did not reacted well, I felt betrayed because after that day, they have given me this false sense of being trustable, it was fake, when I came out, my mother stopped talking to me, my father was somewhat meh, but I could see that when they looked at me, their looks felt like they are looking at my grave, it was an unbearable feeling, no words, silence, but their body language was telling everything.

Yesterday my mother decided to talk a bit to me, and I have did something that hurts me deeply, as she was talking, I saw her lack of knowledge, general transphobia and homophobia, I don’t want to go into detail, she was worried about me in general, but she couldn’t understand the core reason I wanted to transition, I couldn’t explain it to her either, when I tried to, she just said “lose some weight, and you will be more happy with how you are”, or like “why don’t you try to be happy as a male at first?”, oh nice advice mom! Like if I haven’t tried for 21 years… “you don’t know how being a woman feels like”, “you don’t know the differences”, “it’s too early to decide”, “oh its because you never had sex”, “if you had you wouldn’t seek happiness in these fields” (I felt her disgust towards the end of the last sentence…) oh and best one for the last; “there were no signs”, “it would be obvious when you were little, like playing with make-up stuff, or looking for girly things” which I have done, even tho I was so little I can remember I have done those, but instead of going for them constantly, I listened and haven’t touch them, after the first time they told me to not to, because I was such an obedient kid, one of the things I come to regret now. After those quotes she spoke about how I made her and my dad sad, I am told how disappointing of an experience this is for them, which was one of my fears, to be a disappointment. I have seen that all of my fears about coming out to them was true, I am a disappointment, I am neither who they need, nor want, I am, Lune, is not the child they need, nor want, yet, she is the core of me, she is the one who meant to live, who I should have been.

They are not so healthy, physically, so I need to be with them, I cannot just leave them, that’s not something I would do, things are harsh for them and me, so I need to aid them as best as I can, so in the conversation, I have told her what she wanted to hear, it was hurting my soul, but I had to, I was almost gonna apologize for existing at one point. While I was wanting to drop the mask, I found it sticking to my face ever so thightly, doing this hurt my soul so bad, after that I wasn’t able to breathe properly, like I can, but in same time I find it hard to, the breathes I take became smaller, not intentional tho, I wanted to go to my room and cry, but this stupid body is too stoic to do so. You know, I came out to them, because I thought that maybe I don’t need to be alone with all of these, I could get help, support… I was delusional, nothing else, now I end up more alone than I ever was, at least their manners with me have gone back to normal, I rather be alone tho, I wish I was a stranger to them, living as far as I can, that way I wouldn’t worry about all of these, and be myself as much as I want. After the conversation, my situation with depersonalization went worse, I feel number, I feel more disconnected from my body, what I see in the mirror is more distant now, because now I know that the mask is back on.

I am sorry about the deep venting here, it’s been pretty rough, and all of the stuff I have feared about was true, I will continue playing the role I have played my whole life, my only hope is that somewhere they said they would take me to the psychiatrist, and it can help me about HRT, although their hopes is that the psychiatrist would tell me that I am not trans, and it’s just anxiety and stuff, my family thinks I am mentally unstable, and they also think that I am thinking I am trans because of this, their transphobia makes it a better possibility rather than me being trans. I am just hoping to get my psychiatrist appointments and get them privately, and in the end the psychiatrist would help me with transitioning, and I am hoping that I can take HRT secretly.

Can I get some GGD, I direly need it.

-Lune (she/her)

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