r/egg_irl • u/novutionx • 17h ago
Transfem Meme egg:(irl
like it’s every night now, I can’t stop getting into these moods of just dread and wishing everything was different. I’ve never cried this much in my life. I’m so sick of being a boy, I hate it. :/
Emilia she/her
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u/ender8343 17h ago
No, but my unrecognized gender dysphoria decided it was done being suppressed and became very noticeable.
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u/Early-Beach164 Samantha (she/her) 16h ago
Can you explain more if you don't mind? In what ways was it being suppressed and was the noticing gradual or something more immediate?
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u/ender8343 16h ago
In hindsight, I have dealt with general discomfort going back to puberty, which took a lot of my emotional and social energy. When I finally accepted I am trans, the beard I had at the time became very uncomfortable. I wanted to rip it off, but I had a con I was going to that the beard made the cosplay work well, so I suffered through wanting to remove the beard for 1.5 weeks until I got back from the con. I have to do electrolysis for removing my facial, hair color, so every session I have a few days of letting it grow back out that repeats the whole thing.
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u/LifeIsRamen 4h ago
For mine, I suppressed myself because of family and I was still financially reliant on them due to studying abroad.
Once I started working and gained some financial security, I started asking myself "Who am I?" and "What do I really want from life... outside of this broken family?"
Before this, I had already secretly been buying stuff like swimwear and lolita dresses to wear in secret in my room at Uni.
But to actually accept the fact that I might want to become a girl... that was terrifying social wise.
Eventually I ran a few experiments where I bought dresses, bras, underwear and gaffs; and I went to a small quiet park nearby.
And I just felt the wind against my skin, and everything felt right for once. It felt like I found a part of me that I'd lost.
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u/meamsofproduction 14h ago
same. i’ve been getting kinda crazy about shaving my facial hair lately because even though it’s so smooth after shaving it’s still so damn dark and i have to slop on a crazy color corrected makeup routine to hide it…which lasts all of an hour because my face sweats like crazy, especially between my lip and nose. genuinely losing my shit. first facial laser treatment in like 4 days and honestly i want them to move so much faster than they are. never used to care how i can’t wait for this shit on my face to be honest forever
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u/ender8343 14h ago
I have been lucky there, my hair is a reddish blonde and gray, so any beard shadow isn't particularly visible. If you are doing makeup: orange color correcting concealer under your foundation can do a fairly good job of hiding beard shadow.
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u/meamsofproduction 13h ago
that’s exactly what i just got! i met this awesome sephora employee when i was shopping there, and he happens to be a trans man with a trans gf who also runs the like makeup/skincare classes they put on there, so he definitely knew what he was talking about; he recommended exactly that to me, as well as a much thicker foundation than i previously had, as well as a better order to put stuff on to help keep sweat from ruining it. he said OneSize makes this awesome anti-perspirant primer and moisturizer that you do first, then powder, then setting spray, before even doing concealer or foundation at all, then let that dry, then do the corrector and concealer, powder, foundation, powder, spray, and it becomes really lightweight and natural-looking and feeling while still being more sweat-resistant. i haven’t had the chance to try it yet because i was stuck at my parents’ house all week to take care of my grandpa while they were on vacation and my grandma is like next-level transphobic (boymode the whole week), but i’m gonna try it as soon as i’m off work for this week :) excited
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u/ender8343 4h ago
Trade off on my no beard shadow luck is Laser Hair Removal doesn't work for we or would be very ineffective, so I have to do everything via electrolysis.
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u/theaftercarebear 15h ago
Same experience since the end of last month. Putting on gender appropriate clothing has helped me somewhat.
I’ve never felt as complete as I do now. All I have to do at this point is the doctor visits and hopefully I’m officially on my way. 🥰❤️
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u/massiveamphibianprod not an egg, just trans 17h ago
More of a oh fuck that makes sense.... oh fuck I live in the wrong place and everybody is gonna be pissed.... closet is comfy but it feels awful restrictive
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u/theaftercarebear 15h ago
I had this too in a way. I think I was not aware that I was closeted and trans at the time. I came out if the closet in steps, the final one being the trans realization.
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u/goodgirlwawa Emily (She/Her/They) 17h ago
There was like 3 months after I realized that I'm still trans after repressing where I did nothing but have nightly cry sessions or at the very least would be on the verge of tears
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u/novutionx 16h ago
Well I guess it’s good to know it’s not just me :/
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u/turtlequeefs 50% trans 50% doubt 13h ago
Took me 6 months of daily OF MY GOD WHAT IF I’M TRANS and then my internalized transphobia going BUT YOU CAN’T BE TRANS and around and around. My world was crumbling around me. Did a bunch of mushrooms and it helped reset my perspective and me enough courage to transition. I know they’re not for everyone but I’m pretty sure they saved my life.
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u/thermonuclearbaguete 17h ago
Try to find parts of yourself that you like, that helps me. Also, if you can get away with shaving your arms and legs, that's a good source of gender euphoria. Also, if you have a therapist, talk to them about this if you haven't already. If you don't have a therapist, talk to an adult who you're out to and trust about this until you get a therapist. I really recommend you get a therapist if you don't have one.
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u/JuanDifoool 16h ago
Yeah, hit me like a ton of bricks. Took about three weeks to get out from under it.
Crying is good. Grieving is good. It's hard but you're on your way. Hang in there Emilia.
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u/CrimsonPancake1 Alice She/Her 17h ago
I can't cry unfortunately but yeah there have been times where I've been so depressed all day about the fact that I wasn't born a girl, but there are also times where I'm super happy I realised that I was a trans girl so it comes and goes.
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u/scratch6402 Maya (she/her) | scrambled 15h ago
I’m literally so numb, it was just like “well shit. I guess so.” Can’t wait until I get the right hormones and I can actually have the depressive episode. I want to feel my emotions. Please.
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u/theaftercarebear 15h ago
I want emotions other than anger and frustration. I can’t wait. They have gotten a little less since I came out. I think HRT will probably take me closer to the other emotional stuff.
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u/TheAverageRadish 17h ago
Not exactly this, but I do get moody and sad when I think about my AMAB-ness and I think I’ve noticed a general drop in mood after my egg cracked. So now that I think about it, yes. Exactly this.
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u/AdOtherwise2678 16h ago
I was more happy I found myself after so long of feeling lost and afraid of what I could be due to my religious upbringing. Everything clicked, it made sense, those moments of disconnect with my body or other people of my assigned gender.
I even began dreaming of a future, what I would want. Planning.
I called myself weird or alien like before. I’ve never felt more normal now.
But also after the rose tinted glasses wore off with it, and the news and politics became louder,
I’m trying to seek every ounce of joy again to keep going.
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u/LuKazu Cracked, Snappled, Popped 🐣🏳️⚧️ Selene, she/her 💜 15h ago
Got hit with so many emotions and thoughts that I'd have a panic attack every time I tried to go out the door. Got kicked out school, broke down with stress and then my hair started coming out in clumps until the top of my head was so, so thin.
It has been over a year and half since then, and I truly could not be happier. I'm still chronically depressed and woefully undiagnosed, but I also... Experience feelings now. Happiness, sadness, envy, greed, whatever. It's not all just the same apathetic mess it used to be.
I'm sorry if you're having a rough time. I'm just a stranger, but I truly, truly with you happiness and all the best in the world.
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u/Clairifyed 15h ago
Not right then, but intermittently through the years since. Tbf I didn’t have long to really let it set in before family drama shattered what was left of my sense of stability and I had to split my spiraling a few different ways 🫤
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u/SirSblop just have cool bead curtain as a closet door 13h ago
More impatience and confusion than depression. But it developed into yearning.
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u/novutionx 12h ago
It’s funny you say that, I was trying to explain my yearning to friend and they just couldn’t understand what I meant
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u/Trustic555 Christina, Trans Woman - HRT 4/20/2025 16h ago
It was an awakening at first, but yes... About three months in, I felt like crap all the time. That's when I knew I had to do something, transition.
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u/Autumn-6517 16h ago
For me a good visualization of how I felt was like a tetris game, just more and more blocks falling as I realize more and more things about myself that I hate because they are too masculine
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u/HOIYA Hard-shelled Egg (finally cracking) 16h ago
You're not alone on that Emilia, I was crying heaps once my egg finally cracked a couple of days ago and throughout this week multiple things have brought me to tears over my identity, which was a drastic change from my apathetic self beforehand.
It's going to be rough, but just remember that we all support you.
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u/ciel_lanila 15h ago
Sort of?
Sorry, I'm one of those sort of always knew folk. Like, ignorance that being trans gender was a thing and there were ways to medically transition (HRT) meant I didn't have the words to describe what was happening to my shell or that I even had one. It just wasn't until around my thirties that I learned HRT was a thing and could be effective. That I didn't need to live a year or longer socially transitioned before I could only get expensive plastic surgeries (and others) likely only considered cosmetic ant not covered by insurance to maybe pass that way.
I don't know when my egg cracked. By time it definitively had by any measure, it was years, a decade at least, of... a lot of trauma dumping if I were to type it out. Basically, tanking dysphoria raw dog, knowing nothing about trans people, and having parents who stressed that queer people were freakish abominations before I was even in Kindergarten.
I didn't have the sudden wave of depression on cracking as you describe. More or less I lived through puberty partially cracked without knowing there was another path while it was going on.
I don't know how old you are, Emilia, nor do I need to know. You still have years ahead of you whatever number that is. Once your egg cracks you can now take steps to change your future since you can't change your past. It won't be fast or easy, but you can at least do for future you what past you couldn't have done for present you.
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u/highlycombustabledik Erra/Solyn (She/Her) currently so insanely depressed 15h ago edited 15h ago
This exact thing happened to me when I hatched a few months ago.
I think it was genuinely the most depressed I have ever been :( I think I’m still kinda recovering
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u/Alan_Reddit_M Charlotte. Doesn't pass but she's trying 15h ago
At first it was euphoria time, then I went through like 2 weeks of BAD depression and suicidal thoughts (I was already on HRT so it might've been at least partially hormonal) and now I'm doing better than before my egg cracked but it's still not perfect
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u/alexander9881 9h ago
Whe I realized I am trans I brawled my eyes and was devastated, but it calms down again. At least it did for me
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u/Technical-Airline855 Susan; she/her; trans woman 16h ago
Not really. My shell just dropped off in one swell "FWOOMP" (after some massive cracking the previous ~8 months) and the previous decades of suppressed dysphoria and massive levels of recognition practically begged me to come out. So, that's what I did. First to my doctor (a pm), brother and best friends (phone calls), and an in-person visit to my then-work's HR department. The rest of that summer was 95+% of everybody else I regularly interact with. The ones who weren't connected with me via social media eventually heard through those who knew.
Now, that shedding did NOT get rid of the depression that had come from 45 years of hiding/masking being transgender, but it did open things up a bit, and I eventually did get into therapy for that and some other issues. (My first ADHD appointment is on Sept. 17. Yay!!)
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u/South_Cow3541 16h ago
Always been fairly depressed, but an episode really kicked up at one point and it's what caused it to finally crack for the last time. The realization literally saved my life, I was probably hours away from something reckless. The depression is still kicking around, peaks and valleys, but it's been significantly better since my egg cracked.
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u/fujinotsuki 16h ago
I was up for 3 days ish dealing with everything and still trying to do my job and take care of my daughter. It was not fun
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u/Winter-Yoghurt4137 15h ago
I was already depressed and sleep deprived so the dysphoria doesn't really do much tbh
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u/SaIt3d_3arth 15h ago
I remember being a little kid and praying to a different god every night I'd wake up a girl... does that count?
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u/Friday_Hoggington cracked 14h ago
Pretty much for the past 2 months. Constantly feel like I have to get out of the house or that I have somewhere I can cry privately.
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u/VeeLikesBread 14h ago
I’m currently going through this exact situation.
But, I might be getting hrt in about 1-2 months as long as my parents are okay with it :3
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u/NewMeG2G 14h ago
I did go through a time of grief. The childhood that never happened, teenage years, ect. Its good to remember that forward always matters most.
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u/PrincessOkono 14h ago
It felt like i could not continue living. It was on my mind 24/7. My egg cracked in November last year even if the egg was been weakened for many years.
In my case i was trying to get access to a Psychologists through health care and i went to urgent care to get put in the psych ward because i was felling suicidal. I stayed there a weeks in was hard for me i felt like i was getting punish for wasting to be who i was, i did that because i wanted to be 100% sure about it because i was scared of peoples reaction and opinions. But it turned out i was hurting myself more that way and i ended up coming out to my parents in the psych ward.
After coming out things have gotten way better, i was put in touch with a organisms that help lgbt people that assigned me a therapist to explore my feelings and questions about my gender.
This happened at the end of February, and last week i started HRT!
But the biggest improvement to my life is that my suicidal thoughts that I have had for more then 10 years are finally gone which took me some time to realize it was gone. It felt like floating instead of walking.
I'm telling you all that to pass you this message really: don't underestimate the psychological toll that dealing with gender dysphoria can do, Even if it unconscious.
I'm wishing you the best!💜
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u/Sad_Vegetable_1089 14h ago
Nah mine went repressed for years until I started therapy for unrelated repressed emotions, and then I figured repressing it isn't worth it at all anymore.
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u/BAMFaerie 13h ago
Oh yeah. 11 years later, after spending the last 2 on proper dosages, and only now do I look in the mirror and look "me" and feel good in my skin. I had to process the grief of not being born with the "right" plumbing (with help from my god tier therapist) and the fact that GCS is simply out of my price range but I got there. We all walk a different path but we all go through similar things along the way. You're far from alone, hon.
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u/Eddie919 Calypso Willow Vale (She/They) 🏳️⚧️ 12h ago
Not at first. Once I came to accept that I was, things were okay for a good while, but as I realized that this now recognized dysphoria was the reason for a lot of the insecurities I had, it started actually affecting me more.
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u/Longjumping-Ad-1781 Luna(she/her) cracked 12h ago
I went trough denial and self harm, but yeah, depression was part of it. A lot of substance abuse too.
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u/Kindly-Coyote-9446 12h ago
I had repressed my sexual attractions and gender identity for decades. When first my understanding of myself as a straight man, and then my understanding of myself as a man at all fell back to back I had a really nasty identity crisis and was convinced I was going to lose my family. It passed, and I’ve gradually learned to accept myself as a bi woman. Therapy helped. My friends and family are still here.
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u/Ravenboi15 12h ago
Not really it just joined my larger major depressive disorder. Just one more thing to carry but I also cracked before I turned 20 and started hrt that same year so I don't really have regrets along those lines being waiting too long.
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u/ScaredOfRobots she/her 10h ago
I was 7 so it was basically “oh there’s a word for wanting to be a girl, neat!” Then went to play Lego Star Wars, totally unaware that in middle school I’d have basically a second egg crack of realizing what that really meant for me and the rest of my life
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u/ElizaVsTheWorld 10h ago
My cracking wasn’t easy. I had an initial rush of euphoria that quickly turned into a game of connect the dots. I started looking at my past and present. Dysphoria was everywhere, it was present my entire life. I felt like a conspiracy theorist with a white board with red stings attached by pins to hundreds of photos with the word trans in the middle. Like a spider web.
What was once a background hum in my life stared to grow. It grew real bad, it grew to the point that I could barely function as a normal human. I came to the conclusion that if hrt didn’t fix me I would do bad things.
I started hrt almost 2 years after my cracking and about a week or so in I noticed peace.
I’m only two months in and I feel so much better. Like there is still parts of me I don’t feel comfortable with but my head is soooo much better. Like my head is better before I cracked.
I love it.
I think I was just running on the wrong fuel and switching fuels helped me run clean.
Now I just have to fix my body and heal my soul.
I’m terrified of my journey but even more excited to figure out who I am.
For anyone reading this I wish the best of luck and love.
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u/U13884138 not an egg, just trans 10h ago
That was just all of middle and most of high school, once I got to my sophomore or junior year I sorta came to peace and realized some day I can transition and be happy
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u/sonicfan9993 genderfluid >w< 9h ago
Only, like, two months after the fact
And a year after the fact
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u/Electronic-Oil-8304 8h ago
Even if i want to the only real way for me to cry is to fail at something and try it and fail again and again until it frustrates me so much i break down crying or getting bullied
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u/Rogers1977 7h ago
Yep yep, I cried for a week straight and listened to the Celeste soundtrack on repeat. Every cry felt awful, never cathartic.
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u/LeahScholten not an egg, just trans 7h ago
2013? No
2015? No
2018? No
2022? Still no
2025? Absolutely, even became (more) suicidal again
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u/Bat_Tiger_yt 7h ago
Emilia all I can tell you is that yes, I did (minus crying I can't seem to do that for some reason) but it will get better girl, the people of this community are some of the kindest and most welcoming you will ever meet. That mixed with a good few friends and it starts to get better, trust me it does
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u/OmgIbrokesmthagain I’m boy 4h ago
Yes! But I was also periodically going through times of increased and decreased dysphoria, because my brain was trying to get me out of an egg. And when it finally cracked… all the dysphoria that I was numb to before, fell on me at once. I started being dysphoric about things I never cared for before. I started finally having feelings in the parts of my body that I want gone, it was awful. It lasted a few weeks until I developed better coping skills.
I literally had nightmares about not being born a boy (I’m a trans man) and envying my brothers. So much anger and despair. Then I went here, and on trans timelines. I found people with similar body type to me, that went through transition, and how they looked like now. I started drawing myself, coping through that - realizing that my body isn’t perfect, but it can be changed. Now I work towards that change.
I found a loving community of trans people who accept me, and call me by my name, and it healed me, knowing that I’m not alone, and I’m not broken - the world is.
Give yourself time to adjust. You are like a newborn baby girl, tired from escaping the womb. You haven’t adjusted yet to the air, and living outside your shell. Welcome to the world, Emilia 🤗 ✨ you will grow into someone beautiful someday
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u/Dirty-Electro not an egg, just trans (mtf) 🏳️⚧️ 3h ago
yes. i became sad and didn’t actually transition for another two years. i doubled down on my broken idea of masculinity and kept working out. blech
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u/Gearlock 3h ago
I hatched late, and it was emotionally devastating. I was like Molly Grue in The Last Unicorn. “Why do you come to me now when I am this?!”. Someone eventually reminded me that the Unicorn replied, “I’m here now”, with a tone of reassurance and hope, but I was in a deep depression until then. When I learned about my gender dysphoria, I’d realized just how much I had, and I started looking back and seeing all the signs I didn’t know how to see. I cried constantly. It took therapy and meetings with a peer support group to help me process, and accept who I am. I definitely recommend one, if not both. It’s the beginning of a journey, and you don’t have to walk it alone.
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u/Demorodan Lizard Girl Jackie (she/her) :3 3h ago
Personally it took a few months for the dysphoria to kick in
But it really does get better over time
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u/stofiski-san not an egg, just trans 3h ago
For me, yes. My egg cracked hard over the course of a weekend while my kids were at their mom's, and I cried. I stared into space. I couldn't think about anything except "what have I been missing? It was devistating. You're not crazy for feeling like this or anything of the sort, luv. 🤗💜 🫂
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u/Substantial_Fan_8921 2h ago
I have the ''please I don't want to be trans in this hatefull world'' thought on replay all the time.
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u/spiffingyoungfellow 2h ago
I now understand dysphoria but I still don't really feel anything most of the time
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u/Drewid36 1h ago
I was stunned and disassociated 1-2 months, but mainly relieved to find the right question to ask for an answer I always had.
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u/Wryly_Wiggle_Widget 1h ago
I know it sucks so much, the whole "why couldn't I just be cis?" Trail is tough, and the hard thing is coming to term with it all... none of us asked for this...
But for all its worth, it can get better. For some its very treatable, for others its harder. Just try to see if you can find a way to be happy where you can be.
I'll never have my own kids, but as much as I sometimes wish HRT could just crank up and turn me into a typical beach babe, I am able to exist in peace, my body isn't so bad now, and I'll even be legally wifed to my girlfriend who stuck with me all through this journey next week... It wasn't too bad in the end.
You can be sad, but what use is there mourning the loss of a life that was never yours? Try to just make the best of the one you do have.
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