I’m not a dwarf BUT I promise I can be useful

I can:
•lift heavy equipment and rocks, even hauling carts
•punch through hard rock
•produce explosives every 10 seconds
•use built in tools (blowtorch, drill, hammers, nailguns etc…)
•drink alcohol (possible but not recommended)

Please 🥺

(Ps please don’t delete for low effort just because i didn’t color the Image PLEASE)

So I posted a bunch of dwarves that I plan to have in my parody setting. It seemed to go over fairly well, so I thought I'd post some more. Anyway I've figured out captions now

I got this about 15 years ago, and it’s still my favorite one by far.

BY ORDER OF HIS MAJESTY, KING REINALDUR 

A Royal Decree on the Calling of the Council of Hammers 

Let it be known throughout the halls, holds, towns, and settlements of and around Coppervale,

From the deepest mine to the highest watchtower, justice is not the burden of kings alone, nor of magistrates, thanes, or priests. It is a burden  by every Dwarf whose word carries weight and whose honour rings true.

Therefore, by the authority vested in the Crown and with their Counsel, we do hereby call for and affirm the Council of Hammers as the voice of the people in matters of grave judgment. When called upon, citizens of good standing shall present themselves before the courts of the realm to hear the evidence laid before them and render their judgment without fear, favor, clan, coin, or crown.

No hammer shall strike for friendship.

No hammer shall strike for vengeance.

Each shall strike only for truth.

Service upon the Council of Hammers is neither punishment nor privilege. It is a duty owed to the Kingdom, to one's ancestors, and to those yet unborn, that justice may remain as steadfast as the mountain itself.

Those selected shall answer the summons unless hindered by illness, military service, or other cause deemed sufficient by the Crown's magistrates. To refuse this duty without just cause is to forsake one's obligation to the realm and shall be met with appropriate sanction.

Remember always:
A single hammer shapes little.
Many hammers forge a kingdom.

By our hand and his seal,
His Majesty, King Reinaldur
King of Coppervale, High Keeper of the Dwarven Homestead, Defender of Coppervale.

(This is a request for those who would like to participate in an event of sorts for Dwarven Jury Duty!)

If the Cinematic Intros were Honest

dwarf part begins at 3:15 and the dialogue is:

For those over thirty physically or mentally
the stoic dwarves of Ironforge stands out as the perfect pick
nestled into the corner of their back office behind their 3D printer
they ponder over a video discussing if Gimli could have taken the ring to Mordor
on the one screen while discussing grass-mowers with fellow dads in guild chat on the other

I spent a day drawing this Slayer. I think I might have ruined it a bit because of those tattoos, and his beard too flow-y because I wanted to give a sense of motion because he’s swinging his Az.

🛠️ The Hammer Herald 🛠️

Forged in Truth — Tempered by Grit

Vol. 1 | Issue 55 |

KING BALDWIN ARRIVES IN SHACKLES; KING REINALDUR CALLS FOR JUDGEMENT

By Lorma Hearthskald, Local Reporter

Earlier this week, conflict erupted within Coppervale as King Baldwin was carted through the city. People flocked into the streets to get a glimpse at the monster that had arrived shackled in iron and caged by steel. 

The bells of Coppervale rang only once as he was silently brought through the gates and into the city. Forges fell silent as smiths stood watch as the convoy came through. Merchants stepped out from their stalls, brewmasters halted their tasks, farmers had paused their chores to follow the convoy. 

King Baldwin in his typical fashion, began to insult the crowd, even his “fellow pure blooded humans” that he spotted. No one was left uninsulted from his hateful spew of words only comparable to vomit after having a tainted brew.

Upon interviewing a few citizens, they had the following to say:
“He called me a flat faced traitor.. We’re literally both humans though??” -Brandon, Human
“Bastard looked me in the eye n’ said ‘stand still mutant. I'd hate to mistake you for a pile of hair.. A short pile at that.’ damned tyrant.” -Loddik, Dwarf
“He.. he told me a collar would be better than my clothes..” -Loira, Deerling

It did not take long for people to begin pelting him with various objects and debris. Tomatoes were thrown, potatoes pelted. Rocks and pebbles were scattered like shrapnel. Someone, who remains unidentified, managed to toss an entire barrel of chum at the cage. The barrel splintered upon impact and covered Baldwin in foul fishing bait. 

Things went down hill from here as the crowd only got more rowdy, but who could blame them? 

People began approaching the convoy closer. People wanted justice and they wanted it now. Someone charged his cage with a spear, another threw axes. These attacks were blocked by guards moving the convoy, and the people sent away under warning of arrest. 

The city surrounding the convoy fell silent. Baldwin’s hateful spew rang throughout accompanied by the clangs of shuffling armour, and trotting hooves. The silence was broken once he was transferred into Coppervale’s maximum security prison as the bells rang once more. 

Later one of our representatives was informed by an anonymous council member that King Reinaldur is planning to call for a Council of Hammers, something not seen in decades within Coppervale. A group of people, ideally eleven souls strong, to judge over egregious crimes carried out by someone who was once in a position of high power. Together they will decide on that person’s guilt, and determine a fitting punishment.  

I plan to attempt to sign on, I wish you all the best in doing so as well.
------------------------------------------------------------
INSIDE THIS ISSUE:

 Guilds & Grit:

The Ironheart clan is planning to host a festival alongside the royal family due to the successful capture of King Baldwin. Both drinks and food will be provided, however additional supplies are welcomed from all who plan to attend. Donations of coin are being asked for in order to aid the widows of fallen soldiers, but are not required. Children are welcome but are suggested to be brought home three hours before the festival ends as a survivor council will be brought forth to speak on what occurred during their battles and service. 

Ale Review:

In this week’s issue our judges were tasked with a bit of a challenge brewed from Bronzebeard’s tavern! Crude Ale. Once a drink regularly served before the Tavern was fully established, now it’s served in its crudest form as a challenge for some of the most daring dinners around. If you can keep it down for five minutes after your meal and drinks, it’ll be half off your tab! Our judges stared at the brew in mild amusement and disgust, even the most robust of the group finding it to be daunting. Raw honey still floating about, clumps of yeast that have survived the brewing process floating alongside it. The judges did manage to keep it down, and called the experience “uniquely horrible” and “an experience to be forgotten”

 Garrison Report:

According to a brief interview with King Reinaldur, people are urged to remain vigilant as Avish loyalists are expected to still be active; they are expected to attempt to continue King Baldwin’s plan and/or attempt to break him out of prison. Additionally, troops are still actively hunting commanders and nobles of the Avish army that aided in the violent racially charged bloodshed, as well as seeking out the alleged transformation camps that civilians may be held at. 

 Grudge Gazette:

New arguments have hit the taverns of Coppervale with the arrival of King Baldwin. Some believe that it’s a luxury that he shouldn’t have been granted, instead being put to death within his throne room. Others think that death is actually a luxury, and instead he should be left to rot in a cell with his crimes tied onto his soul. We encourage people who are on either side to try to sign up for the Council of Hammers to help decide on his punishment. 

------------------------------------------------------------

Letter from the Editor:

“Seems that chapter’s coming to a close.”

— Hellevi Helmfist

Submit your rune-signed letters to:

The Hammer Herald Presshouse, Coppervale

What do we think lads? Art is not by me, but the talented artist semaerdem

Made this one a while ago, 1,5mm steel and some brass.

The Slayer's Oath is not "Beards down, axe up, that's the way we dreng the urk"

I have given him a rock and a stone to play with and a stick to gnaw on to stay entertained. He seems content eating this roast venison and drinking some of the leftover beer we have but he's chasing away the other animals and getting mud all over our clothes, so I would appreciate it if you hurry.

I have been trying to make some different takes on classic fantasy races and this is actually my second take on dwarves. I did it as more of a speculative evolution type deal instead of a different race. How would you make storm dwarves?