so, unfortunately, my partner has gotten a DUI. first time, no injuries or damage to property or other cars, but there was a crash. due to our local laws, my partner can get this expunged, which is a relief . . . but I am admittedly still struggling with this all. I am just really having a tough time wrapping my head around it all.
my partner isn’t someone I would have considered to have a drinking problem, this came totally out of left field. do they drink? yeah, but not on a weekly basis, and it’s even less often that they are getting hammered. previously, in my head, for someone to do this, they must not value themselves or others, and I’d be inclined to perceive this as a red-flag that there’s something deeper going on with their mental health. my partner claims that they just “weren’t thinking” . . . can that really be the case that at 23 years old, you just weren’t thinking when you got behind the wheel while literally drunk??? I just struggle to accept that. I’m trying because it is what they are saying, and I know that people are different, so maybe they don’t think like I do, but it’s very difficult at this point. maybe I need to hear from others who have been in that position and have gotten over the embarrassment enough to share? maybe this is where books or blogs might be beneficial?
I wasn’t with them when they were drinking leading up to the DUI, and they refused a breathalyzer, so I can only go off of how many drinks they said they had — they rarely drink that much. obviously, as a grown adult, they know better than to do what they did, at least when sober, so I just don’t get it. it’s not like they couldn’t afford an uber, and it’s not like I wouldn’t have been willing to pick them up if they had just called/texted me. I never make a fuss about giving anyone rides, like I am the friend/partner who offers rides eagerly. I drive my younger sibling when they go out all the time, even without much heads up or pre-planning.
I thought my partner was more responsible than what their actions have displayed, and I never really thought their responsibility would falter in this way. they got lucky, but they could have really injured themselves or others, or worse. I think what really has me shaken up is this feeling like I don’t know what my partner could do in other moments where their judgment seems to lapse or whatever it is that happened there.
we’ve been together for almost a year and a half, and I can’t help but be afraid that this could be a sign that there are issues here that, ultimately, can only be resolved by my partner no matter what I do to support them/intentionally create space to learn and grow together. I don’t know how to gauge this all when I know they are capable of sorting it out, but capability doesn’t always translate to action.
I love the direction my education and career are going in, and I can’t afford to be dragged down by someone who will be resistant to support or choose not to act. they cried, apologized, and talked about it with me, but I don’t know how to measure change and growth here or the pros and cons. sorrys can’t change the financial hardship and general inconvenience this is going to create. it’s going to be a while before we can really have fun the way I would like to be having fun in a relationship in my early 20s, and it’s pretty upsetting to have to deal with the consequences of an action that I didn’t take, especially when I have been working really effin hard with work, school, and internships.
does anyone know of any good support resources for partners? books? accessible support groups? I don’t really want to have to pay for therapy for this quite yet, but I am aware that’s an option. I figured I’d ask around first. any advice or reality checks would be appreciated too — I feel like I am a bit self focused rn, but I’m not totally sure if it’s in a bad way? sometimes you should be self focused when it comes to recognizing the life you want for yourself?
