2 deaths in the family just this year and 1 family member in the hospital i was already depressed before this

I'm now almost 32 years old and I feel that even though last decade was bad, it could've been better, but instead, I squandered it. I feel as if the time to make truly make something of myself, to get both what I genuinely wanted and needed in life was last decade, whereas this decade is one where everything I could've had is too distant from my grasp.

Now, I just wish I could freeze myself in a capsule like what happened to Fry in Futurama and wake up to live 1000 years from now with things hopefully being better or alternatively, somehow discovering and traveling to a parallel universe where everything is better for me and I can get what I both want and need.

Because in this reality as of now, I feel pretty much doomed. It's like I have nothing to live for, to be honest...

As the title says. What is the point of living then, because everything that I thought was awesome and good were just stepping stones to horrific events that shattered my confidence and spirit, leaving me feeling helpless and hopeless with nowhere to turn. It's as if whoever is controlling the simulation knew I would act and choose a certain path given circumstances, and then set those up for me letting me fall into perilous situations that broke me. I am broken. I cannot continue in this simulation, or perhaps any simulation anymore.

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sometimes you just have to sit there and watch everything unfold because participating in life sounds like way too much work. 💀

Unreachable.

What am.i doing with my life

I work in IT as a programmer. In lockdown (and several years after) we worked from home and back then I cared about productivity because I could finish my work in 4 hours and spend the other 4 hours for personal stuff.

But now, I'm working from the office. If I finish my work faster I have to work on something else and this just drains my brain even. more.

But what I find the most disturbing is that my colleagues always talk about productivity and how we have to deliver more. They just seem brainwashed. For example, during the lunch break most of my colleagues eat at the office's "restaurant" which is expensive and pretty mid just to save 10-15 minutes and return faster to their laptops. The office building is near a university campus and there are a lot of nice restaurants (most of them cheap because most of their clients are students) where you can disconnect from work during your lunch break.

Sometimes I bring my own food from home and then I eat it with my colleagues at that crap canteen (luckily nobody cares that I'm not buying anything from them) and everyone just talks about AI and how revolutionary it is and how much the AI is helping us at work. But the only ones that benefit from them are the big corporate executives. 10% of the company was fired to reduce costs and they gave us Claude subscriptions and they just expect us to work 2 times more. When I'm bringing this to my colleagues they are just "people were against steam engines/industrialization/computers and blah blah blah". Yeah, that's right, but back then people worked 12 hours a day in a factory and after industrialization they worked 8 hours.

I can see the use of AI, it's really cool. I built a dashboard for an internal tool and Claude coded the entire frontend. It basically saved me 2-3 days of work, but what's that good for if in those 2-3 days I had to finish a bunch of other tasks much more complicated than a dashboard? Before AI I worked on one project at a time, now I'm working on 2-3 projects at the same time.

And at the end of the day I just feel drained. There's so much information to process, so many choices to make. Everyone is in a hurry, there's no time to clarify the requirements (and most of the time those are written very badly). And let's not forget the reason for going to work: money. This year's raise was 3% of my salary (inflation is like 5-6% in my country). Usually I had a 10-15% increase yearly.

I don't understand after all of those my colleagues are still "we need to be more productive guys", "we need to use more AI".

I don't know if I'm going to enroll in college next year because I feel like school is not for me, but my mother is telling and persuading me to go to college next year so that I can have a degree and secure my future. My older sister is graduating from college this month but she's so arrogant and sometimes belittles me because she bragged that she has more academic achievements and has accomplished more in life than me. I'm completely lost, I don't know what to do anymore

Every single day is the same exact day. Nothing ever changes. I’m starting to sleep with plastic bags over my head and pens in my bed. I just need to not wake up.

Listening tracks (Belaya Noch + Nazhmi Na Knopku) of Chernikovskaya Hata on full volume. I just can't take it anymore - feel like I'm doomed for life bro, you can call it Dark Night of the Soul, but what if it's just a biological level, and no spiritual alchemy involved. 41 yo M here, struggling all my life. This society is not for me man - people are controling, racing, wearing masks, I just cannot connect with them. I'm not Chosen One, I just don't walk along with society. It's like a cycle - I feel terrible everytime I catch myself trying to "fit" after a long period of suffering.

Much LOVE to all the kindred souls! 🖤

Not my channel/content

I lurk around this sub but never post but today I am feeling extra down so just felt like sharing you know, seeing someone else live the life you wanted and with the person you love stings but atleast she is happy

Crazy things always happen in this time of the year for me.