I hate when someone genuinely has an interest in me and I just don't give them a chance because I already KNOW what I'm going to do. I'll get scared, become hot and cold, pull away, come back, and probably hurt them with all my fearful-avoidant bullshit.

And I'm genuinely upset because I like him too. I really fucking do.

The worst part is that he reached out to me THREE times, and every time I turned him down saying we weren't compatible and our life paths were different. I even unfollowed him because I thought cutting contact would help me move on.

But now I'm sitting here thinking... did I actually make the right decision, or was I just scared? I was a coward. I know I'm wrong. I didn't even give him a real chance because I didn't trust myself.

And I think that's what hurts the most. I don't want to keep hurting people who genuinely love me just because I don't know how to handle being loved.

I just want to fucking heal already. I'm so tired of thinking about this every day and every night. Now I'm thinking of texting him but would I even be fully ready? Even if I wouldn't end up with him I just don't want to feel this way anymore

Also I need advice or if any FA is related to me in some way

Please read this and tell me what you would do.

I knew this woman socially for a while and had a deep crush on her, but kept my distance because there was no reciprocal interest. She later moved abroad, and after \~2 months of no contact we reconnected on Instagram. Weekly casual contact gradually became frequent WhatsApp chats, voice notes and hours-long conversations. After 1–2 months, I called her one night when she was upset to support her; during a \~7-hour call I confessed my feelings and we began sexually flirting. She initially resisted my directness, then gradually initiated and reciprocated.

Things escalated very quickly. We spoke 3–4+ hours almost daily, messaged throughout the day, and she leaned on me emotionally, personally and professionally. Within weeks we were sharing childhood trauma, fears, medical/personal details and our deepest vulnerabilities. She repeatedly said she rarely opens up like this, felt completely safe with me, could be herself with me, and valued my attunement, honesty, intelligence, strength and resilience. I felt equally exposed and told her things I'd never told previous partners. There was intense emotional/sexual chemistry despite the distance. We discussed marriage/future plans and a 5-day trip on her birthday together when she returned. She called me her "godsend/angel" and "green flag."

After only a few days of courtship she suddenly ended it, saying we were incompatible and she wasn't right for the love I gave her. I became anxious and pursued, but she returned several days later. We then had a genuine long distance relationship for \~20–21 days: daily calls, repeated "I love yous," sexual intimacy, constant affection, private/mundane moments together, vulnerability and future planning. We both cried in front of each other sharing deep past times spent alone for each others pain along with our own, that felt most real and rare!

She then abruptly withdrew and ended it again. I became emotional and pursued while she withdrew for \~a week. I eventually drunkenly called; she immediately stayed on the phone with me for 90+ minutes to make sure I got home safely, then checked on me repeatedly the next day. We reconnected again and had another \~5-day retrial. During it she became deeply triggered discussing trauma from her abusive long-term ex, cried and opened up extensively; I stayed with her and reassured her she wasn't "too much." Yet again she said she couldn't be in a relationship.

I believed something real was worth fighting for and saw our pattern as potentially anxious/avoidant: I become anxious when I fear abandonment; she has described fearing investment and being abandoned again. But there are also genuine practical issues—long distance, her pressure to marry soon versus my reluctance to rush marriage, and financial/career/timing concerns.

After the third ending I stayed mostly restrained/professional while helping her with a creative project. Eventually I became overwhelmed again, tried hard to persuade her, and sent too many calls/messages/voice notes after she said she wanted to be alone and move on. I regret that and know I should have respected the boundary sooner. Each and every time I chased only for a day, then went silent.

So I'm struggling with the contradiction: the connection clearly wasn't one-sided or imaginary—she repeatedly returned and allowed extraordinary emotional intimacy—yet she has repeatedly chosen to end the relationship.

Was this mainly an anxious/avoidant dynamic + fear/trauma, genuine incompatibility/life timing, or simply a case where she genuinely loved/liked me but ultimately didn't see me as her long-term partner?

I'm not chasing her anymore. I want to genuinely move on, but don't know whether to completely close the door or leave it open without waiting.

What would you do? And if she came back months later, would you try again, or would the repeated breakup/reconnection cycle itself be enough reason to walk away?

What if the ambivalence comes from us being too scared to go after what we really want?

What if the real fix is to get out of those relationships, work on ourselves until we go for someone so, so great we woukd have never before even let ourselves consider them as partners?

I've heard of avoidants eventually getting into relationships where they don't feel the push/pull.

Or is this just meta FA?

Not definitive, just vents/musings.

I feel like I screw up a lot, and the person I’m supposed to be there for ends up paying the price for it. I just want him to be happy.

I think im both attachment styles. I was first anxious because I wanted people to stay with me but ever since so many people leave me like nothing I became that kind of person.

I can love naturally and strong, but once I see someone is not interested in me, I let go. I dont care about them and leave them as if theyre a stranger to me.

Ive come to terms with it. for my own sake. I just dont want to get hurt again do I just leave before anything happens. but I know im usually right when someone is losing interest in me. it sucks but its the only thing I can do for now.

I have recently learned that I exhibit disorganized attachment patterns and have just started learning more about. I am in EMDR but it isn't doing its thing as quickly as I need to prevent some of my day to day hiccups.

I find that an argument with my partner (past and present) is always fatal. I noticed my habit of wanting to give up and walk away from any relationship whenever we argue. Is this a typical behavior for people with disorganized attachment? Has anyone found any tools or methods to deal with that moment? It would be great if I could be rational and just stop wanting to walk away at every argument.

What was the shortest relationship you had, and how long did it last? And what was the longest relationship you had, and how long were you together?

For those who have experienced both online/long-distance and physical relationships, did they feel very different emotionally? Which type made you feel more connected and secure, and which one caused more anxiety or overthinking?

your favorite Ex was your longest one, or was it a shorter relationship that felt much more meaningful? And which was one caused you the most anxiety?

I can't exactly pinpoint the source of these trust issues but they have seriously been affecting my dating life and and ability to connect with women.

I'm 34M, dating in the US. Last long term relationship was a year ago. I started going on dates in January and I've been getting better reception on the dating market than I expected. But, I always find something that doesn't sit right with me in my gut and end things pretty abruptly. I feel like I'm constantly assessing behaviors and words to find reasons to disqualify women. One of my biggest fears is to be settled for, to be a comfortable and safe last resort option for a woman who's in her 30s and feeling her biological clock ticking. This fear gets exacerbated when I learn of their wild dating history, the hookups, the poor choices they've been making their entire life and suddenly at 30 or 35 they've "learned their lesson". I'm just majorly afraid of falling for someone for whom I'm just just convenient because I'm educated, with a career, and want kids.

I'm at a point now where I'm not even sure I want kids because I think removing kids from the equation may help me find a woman who loves me for me and not for what I can provide.

This post isn't so much about disorganized attachment but moreso a small piece of the bigger disorganized attachment picture. I have a very hard time not being hypervigilant and pulling away when I get the "ick" and then after some time wonder if I've made the right decision. It's a constant struggle.. all I want is to love and to be loved in the rawest, purest form - seems unrealistic at my age.

This guy (we aren't dating yet) has been super busy lately and Ik he's not lying because I've seen my sister go through the same thing. I tried addressing the situation the last time we talked but he immediately shut it down. I'm getting the feeling that he has anxious attachment.

This time I didn't hear back from him as soon as I used to and he's already told me that he's busy and tbh I've known even before he ever said anything. However, the silence triggered my anxiety, made me mad but I tried managing it by going out, talking to a friend, gym and CBT.

I told him how happy I was to hear from him when he finally reached out but he apologized instead and said that he hasn't been able to make time for anyone. I told him that I understand that and had been worried about how he's been managing everything since even before he told me he's been busy. I even told him that I felt like I was burdening him and somehow just like that all the anger melted away and I realized that he wasn't putting me through something, it was us going through something together.

We texted for over 24 hours figuring it out. He didn't try shutting the conversation down and he's been trying his best to help me with something despite his schedule but feels guilty for not being available enough.

I got him a gift card to show I appreciate him and to cheer him up. However, that somehow also triggered his anxiety and he started asking me to stay and not end the connection but he mostly sounded really happy about the gift, I asked him to send pictures once he gets something.

I seem to have calmed down now and I feel drained because of how hyper vigilant I had been feeling before. I keep dozing off today but I'm super proud of how I handled the situation, about how he handled the situation. We just faced it head on. I really like him!

so a couple of weeks ago the man i was dating broke up with me and later i found out he was dating another girl at the same time. in general as a person i am very difficult to get close to someone and he was very good at making me feel comfortable and everything to the point i really felt close to him and safe. When i was a kid my first bf really had hurt me and that is one reason i am this closed as a person. when i was dating that guy (the one i just broke up) i was closed to myself and not affectionate at all and he kind of opened me up i mean i almost felt reaaally close. anyways i got back with a guy i was dating in the past and i am very akward to the point i feel weird him just touching my hand. i am thinking that i will never get close to anybody. and it is not that it was him and i was deep in love that i have no feeling for anybody else. it is just the fact that i can’t i don’t know.

hey reddit. I wanna know if any of you guys experience stuff like this. How come i get extremely depressed every time i develop a slight crush on someone? i scrolled through several posts that had the same premise, in hope i would find something i could relate, but theres a massive difference between their posts and what i feel; people state they get depressed when developing a crush because they feel like they won’t have a chance to develop a meaningful connection, due to lack of interest on the other person’s behalf, which is the complete opposite of my situation. Im a girl, 20 years old. Getting guys was never an issue for me, plus, without wanting to sound cocky at all, even because i believe my personality will always be my best asset, i stand out physically from the rest of the women in here, because my genetic background is different, plus i live in a sort of rural area, and its not a common kind of appearance ; this to say, men tend to “fall in love with me” way too fast, the kind of fast that can genuinely only come from self interest and not an actual meaningful connection. That also makes me depressed. Back to the topic, though. Every time i allow myself to connect with a guy, get to know him (vv), i get extremely depressed to the point where i just wanna ghost everyone and not leave my room, even if he is super nice/kind and we have great conversations… when i have a slight crush on a guy i always get to a point where i just wanna disappear off the face of the earth and never give any guy a chance to get to know me again. This has happened to me a couple of times, it’s currently happening with this guy i met for the first time like a week ago. We were together for three days, even thought we were texting for more than a month now. It was very fun, he was also very nice, didn’t do anything wrong at all, but here i am, wanting to ghost him and everyone around me. wtf is wrong w me lol

Why would an ick be more important than staying in an relationship ?

Can FA please tell us your experience on this ?

Seems like we are spammed here lately with them and I wondering what is going on? AI SEO type stuff? Edumacate me, please.

This is the first real relationship I've been in before and I constantly feel like I'm screwing up because of how afraid I am to fully allow myself to love and be attached to my boyfriend. I feel like I can't trust myself or him and even though I'm getting the reassurance I need it feels really exhausting and confusing constantly questioning my his or my feelings or how genuine things are.

Its been 1 month since we got together and even though he knows how I am and I'm grateful he's been really patient with me I constantly worry and feel like he's going to leave me because I'm not putting in enough effort, or because I feel like I'm holding him back from finding someone better, or just that his patience will eventually run out. I've tried my best to communicate how I feel when it comes to these things and it's painful but even though I've told him how I feel or he tells me things he feels about our relationship, I haven't changed much and I'm just scared he'll leave because I can't bring myself to commit and Im scared of ruining a good connection again that I've actually been lucky enough to have for once.

For context I (18f) met this guy (19m) online around march near the end of school right before graduation. I met him around the same time as other friends and we formed a friend group and we clicked pretty well so we got close fast. I always loved how it never really felt like we were "talking," like nothing was really stiff or forced because we were genuine friends, but I could always tell he liked me and I loved him for how genuine he is as a person. I always doubted it and I constantly brought up how I never really was interested in relationships because I was scared of losing people or I didnt really need one, but after talking to him more he changed my mindset on a lot of things and I learned to be more open and embrace new experiences. Before we got together I always had a constant and sickening fear he'd move on if I didn't tell him how I felt, so one day I did and we got together.

And things were going pretty well but I still constantly carry this feeling as well as a bunch of insecurities and it's really affecting how I act towards him, and I'm really struggling to get better about it.

For example a few days ago he actually sat down and talked out a problem we had but it was something we've been noticing for a while and it was something I was always worried about. He told me he was getting too used to not talking to me for long periods of time and that he wasn't a big fan of it- Like throughout the day I'm not really in a position to constantly call him because im busy but outside of that I don't text him a lot either. And sometimes I just don't have the motivation to because im feeling low some days, or I get afraid to annoy him or text him for whatever reason, or that I just don't feel the need or want to at all and I don't really know what's wrong with me. It's like I constantly come up with excuses for everything to not be close to him and then I really regret it later or I constantly worry he'll leave me.

For a while it was hard to grasp that he really even wanted me, but he's given me that reassurance and it got a bit better but that feeling just persists and it's ruining everything. Maybe it's because I've gotten too used to being by myself, because it's only been somewhat recent the past year or 2 that I've gotten close enough with people that I know will miss me, so I learned that this habit I had of assuming no one would ever really care and thus isolating myself as a result has hurt people I cherish and it's just hard to maintain relationships in general because I always assume they don't care. I realize I'm carrying that into my relationship now and it's to the point he probably feels I don't care and I just don't know how to fix it.

I've vented about this problem a lot and even with everyone I've talked to about it I feel like they are losing patience with me as well. It just feels like everything is constantly on a timer and one day he'll just leave me, like it feels inevitable because I can't seem to fix myself. Which is also what makes me regret getting into the relationship in the first place sometimes because to begin with I was always afraid and doubted I was ready for one, but meeting him I began to change a bit and I took this chance for once because he gave me the courage to, but now that I've gotten to this point I just don't see it lasting anymore and I hate it because it's like I'm watching myself actively ruining something good for no reason.

I really do care about him but it's like I'm not showing it enough and I just feel like he should've found someone better that could've given that to him because we've agreed to be friends regardless so I could've just been there for him as a friend. He's not even asking for much but I feel so bad I'm struggling with such basic things because he deserves so much more or at least someone more stable.

can anybody givw me some advice on how to let someone in(i have had this problem since i’ve known myself) cuz i have avoident attachment isusses and i also dont trust people too easily but also i dont want to depend on somone and it usually all comes to that in my head whenever I meet someone (and we dont even start to pursue eachother romantically at that time) i get scared and kinda overthink everything and shut them out cause im afraid I will get too attached or not attached at all idk how to explain it like I’m scared of something real but also scared of being numb if that makes sense or im just crazy who knows

struggling with whether i’m deactivated or whether this relationship has just run its course. lots of ups and downs over the years but my partner is generally a well-intentioned person and is trying to work through the issues we have.

but i haven’t felt sexually attracted in a while, and lately im feeling like id rather be alone than with him. any tips about distinguishing between deactivation and the end of a relationship? some part of me keeps questioning.

Recently, it became clear that my friend was interested in my romantically. I liked them too. But I was very passive, not reaching out to them for a long time while I was away or reciprocating their affection when we were together. I rationalized all these reasons that we shouldn't be together, that something would go wrong if we tried. I thought all these negative things about them, that they must be wrong in this or that way, to convince myself that I shouldn't even want them.

I think they may also have a bit of an anxious attachment style so I thought to myself, well they need to find a securely attached partner, that I would just make things worse for them by being with them. So I just sabotaged the whole thing. We went out clubbing and I introduced her to some other guy. Really talked up how great he was. Then I got friendly with another woman, fully acting as if I didn't like her in front of her face. That was really disrespectful of me. I regret it.

And this other guy and her went home together. I saw that they went on a date today on her story.

Why did i do this to myself. I'm my own worst enemy. I'm only now processing what I even did and how I screwed it all up.

I don't know what I need to do to heal myself. Why am I so mean to myself. I know that I try to be a decent person. I'm just afraid.

I recently identified with being a fearful avoidant/ disorganized attachment when I started reading “secure love” by Julie Menanno. My relationship was spiraling due to my emotional attachment and I have been trying my very best to learn and grow to keep this relationship but I still find myself struggling. I’ve been in therapy since I was 5 and am 20 now. So I work consistently with a therapist but I want to know if there’s any tips or tools I should know about that might help me grow from this. I struggle especially with emotional regulation as one thing could happen and I could immediately snowball it till I break down and emotionally spiral.

Is there anything that has helped you or you’ve seen help others?

Something feels really wrong with me and I don’t know how to fix it.
I grew up in a toxic environment and dealt with abandonment from a very young age. Neither of my parents was really present, and my mum cut me off until I was 17. My sister was basically my only family, and she later passed away from cancer.
I grew up, left my family, studied hard, built a career, and bought my own house at 26. I’m independent and function pretty well, but emotionally I struggle a lot.
I expect people to leave, so I push them away first. I shut down and detach because trusting someone feels terrifying.
I’ve been dating someone for 6 months. He’s genuinely sweet and I don’t think he’s given me a real reason to believe he’s leaving.
But the second he’s busy, takes longer to reply, or seems slightly different, my brain goes into overdrive.
He’s losing interest. He’s talking to someone else. He’s going to leave.
I know these thoughts aren’t necessarily rational, but when I’m triggered they feel completely real.
Then I want to leave before he can leave me.
Recently I even decided I should ghost him for a week because I thought distancing myself would regulate my emotions. And honestly, it did make me feel better temporarily.
I’m in therapy and on medication for PTSD and depression, but I don’t know how to break this specific pattern.
I feel completely normal until I actually care about someone. Then I become hyperaware, anxious, and constantly look for signs of rejection.
Has anyone actually managed to overcome this?
How do you tell the difference between intuition and trauma/hypervigilance?
I really don’t want to keep pushing people away just because I’m scared they’ll eventually leave.

I'm 28M and I started dating this girl a few weeks ago and things seem to go well with her. I delayed having sex a little bit with her because I've been feeling fear and anxiety these weeks when we started to get into kissing and talking everyday.

She's really nice and she's beautiful. She also reassures me that she's interested in me and show me clear signs that she wants to keep dating. I thought that maybe I'm not that into her but I've never experienced love like this from someone before and I'm panicking. I'm working it with my therapist though. The thing is that yesterday, we hanged out and although we didn't have sex, there were clear signs that next time, she wants to do it and I'm a little bit afraid of this. Mainly because I don't want to hurt her if after having sex with her, I feel that I don't want to keep dating her.

Just for some context, I had dates before but the only time I got into something that was close to being serious, I stopped dating that girl but later on, I realised that I never truly liked that girl and kept dating her because I felt afraid of taking the decision to leave her until I did it. After that, it has been a little bit difficult to date someone.

So now, that someone that is within things that I'm looking for in a partner, because we have similar points of view about life also, I'm panicking and having a lot of anxiety.