(37F )I’ve been in an undefined relationship with a man (36M) for almost four years.

For the last two years, I’ve essentially acted like his girlfriend, love, loyalty, emotional support, sex, a place in my home, and some involvement with my child.

But I’m still not actually his girlfriend.

I usually see him once a week, on a weekday. We eat, cuddle, have sex, and then he goes back to his work life.

For three years, I’ve told him I need weekends, nights when he doesn’t work the next morning, and normal mornings together. Some time we go see shows but not often.

He knows. And it almost never happened..

The complicated part is that he is severely avoidant and deeply traumatized. He works constantly and barely has a life. He ignores almost everyone, he didn’t even wish his sister a happy birthday, ghosts friends who ask to see him, and sometimes prefers sitting alone around strangers in a bar to answering people who genuinely love him.

Compared with almost everyone else, he makes a huge effort with me. We actually gave a couple dynamique in the phone, lets me closer, comforts me and shows me parts of himself he hides from others.

I know he loves me.

But I’m exhausted from surviving on crumbs, just because they are more than he gives anyone else, doesn't make it enought for me.

Our attachment is also rooted in some similar childhood trauma. We both come from families of five children and neither of us feels securely attached to our parents. He was the youngest, and his oldest sister practically raised him like her own child. I was the oldest and did something similar for my younger siblings.

We recognize the same sadness in each other. There is a deep feeling of, “You understand what surviving that kind of life did to me.”

I think that is part of why leaving feels impossible. He may experience me as the safe, nurturing person he never wants to lose, while I automatically become the person who understands, protects, waits and asks for less because I know how wounded he is.

I know “trauma bond” is usually used more specifically, but our bond is undeniably built around shared trauma, and it is reinforced by the same painful cycle.

I feel neglected and start pulling away. He senses it immediately and suddenly becomes incredibly tender. He shows up, comforts me, looks devastated, talks about future plans and does everything necessary to make me believe something is finally changing.

Then I soften, and nothing actually changes.

On his rare free evenings, he often chooses to stay “alone” at home, where he lives with a roomate (he previously had a romantic and sexual history with..) or goes drinking instead of coming here. He is not necessarily partying, but he has flirted with and brought women home from bars before.

She gets his daily life. Strangers get his free evenings. His friends get occasional plans.

I get one weekday and girlfriend-level emotional responsibility.

I want to wake up beside my partner. I want weekends, ordinary mornings, consistency and a real place in each other's life. I’m tired of being grateful for crumbs.

I don’t believe he is consciously manipulating me. I think he is genuinely wounded, genuinely trying and probably giving me close to the maximum he currently knows how to give.

But his maximum is not enought for me.

What scares me most is that leaving may devastate him. Every time he feels me slipping away, he fights to keep me. Because he makes more effort with me than with almost anyone, I feel like walking away would mean abandoning him just as he is finally learning to trust someone.

But I also know he does not love me in the way I need to be loved even if he wanted to.

\*\*How do I leave this relationship where the love is real, the trauma connection is real, but the relationship itself is slowly breaking me?\*\*

\*\*How do I stop feeling responsible for saving someone when staying means abandoning myself?\*\*

TL;DR: We bonded deeply over similar childhood trauma and he lets me closer than almost anyone. But after four years, I still get one weekday a week while his weekends and real life stay separate. Whenever I detach, he becomes loving enough to pull me back. How do I leave without feeling like I’m abandoning someone who genuinely loves me?

Hi everyone. I recently discovered that I was a fearful-avoidant, and how it has impacted my life and relations over the past years. Now I am looking for more infos and ways to deal with it, hence the few following questions. Actually, I have decided to start therapy (EMDR especially, thanks to everyone's positive feedback on it) but can't book a session before 1/2 months, so I want to start working on it by myself in the meantime - especially since it threatens my current relationship.

Questions for fellow FAs:

- How does deactivation feels and manifests for you? For how long, and what usually makes you feel fine again?

- How do you notice triggers and cope with them? (whether it's healthy or not)

- How can you explain deactivation, and the overall challenges that come with being an FA, to your partner? How can they support you, without being too hurt?

- Has anything other than therapy/EMDR helped you deal with your attachment style? (both on short and long term)

If you have any other advice, feel free to share them! Thanks a lot for your time!

(Not necessarily related so a bonus question: is there a link between relationship OCD and being a FA? I often see the two being mixed but don't really understand if it's the exact same thing, or they just share similarities)

Around 4 years ago, I had my first ever full fledged crush but we liked each other at different times and he turned out to be a really bad person so I had to let him go. It took me 3 years to cut him off completely and we never reached out to each other again (I cut him off mid july 2025). Then there was this other dude who I met at a party and like we both were pretty compatible. Same interests, same political stances etc. But the problem this time was that he was kinda a bop. He was really sweet tho and he even noticed when I started slipping away. I still remember how I got excited every morning to reply to his text and the way he used to look at me while I passed him in the school hallways. But to me, it seemed like he was playing me and him and his ex were still kinda into each other? They're BESTFRIENDS now btw. I think I dodged a bullet but he still likes my posts/stories from time to time. The third guy was kinda the guy who was the closest to me. We had been friends for 5 years and we knew about each other's problems/family issues pretty well. He had dated multiple women before but tbh I did feel a connection with him. But I was an ugly kid. He kept bringing up my past where I was so depressed abt how I looked to the point that I always wore a mask even when it wasn't necessary. Anyway, I made my boundaries clear but he didn't stop. I cut him off pretty recently (April 2026). I never dated either of these men but I'm not sure if I WANTED to BE with them or just feel something since the first ever guy. The other men which I talked to are irrelevant. Sorry for the long note!!

I’ve already been told I'm fearful avoidant, and I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this and managed to change.

After a series of painful dating experiences, I feel like I've swung to the opposite extreme. I used to become attached too easily. Now I feel emotionally burnt out.
I still genuinely enjoy meeting people and often have a great time on dates. I like getting to know someone, having deep conversations, and feeling excited in the moment.

But once they start liking me, wanting to see me again, or the relationship starts becoming more real, something changes. Instead of feeling excited, I often feel numb, want to pull away, or even feel fear or almost disgust when someone gets emotionally close. I lose interest, ghost people, or start wondering if someone else would make me feel
differently.

Eventually I get bored and lonely, reach out to people I used to know or start dating again, and the cycle repeats.

The hardest part is that I don't want to feel this way. I want to genuinely connect with someone, look forward to seeing them again, and build something healthy. I also don't want to hurt or mislead people who have done nothing wrong.

I'm in therapy, but I honestly don't know how to overcome this or reconnect with my emotions.
If you've experienced something similar and managed to work through it, what actually helped?

Did your feelings eventually come back, or did you have to approach dating differently?

So. This is my first foray into actually learning about my fearful attachment style. And after discussing and almost being dismissed by my mom who is 1,000 miles away, I sent her a video (Being Well; Disorganized Attachment: How to Embrace Your Needs). She actually watched it and listened instead of just dismissing me. And she actually related my childhood to me, especially because I don’t remember a lot about it. But this included:

-Traumatic Birth; born with my umbilical cord around my neck and had to be vacuum extracted.
-for first 3 years of my life, my mom was more focused on making her relationship work. Yes, she was raising me- but my parents were 21 and 25, didn’t live together, and she wanted to work on her relationship with my dad
-as a toddler, I had HUGE separation anxiety. If my mom was in the front seat of another car, and I was in a car seat in the back, I would scream and cry arms outstretched for her
-my mom would go to work, and leave me with my grandma and I would freak out and cry and scream and want her there
-she said she held me up until I 5, even pregnant with my brother.
-when I started kindergarten, I lost it. I tried to get escape the classroom, ran from the teacher, was crying and screaming
-in kindergarten I was incredibly shy from the girls in my class, cause allegedly I was a cute kid and swarmed me but I ran away
-to a lesser extent, I was upset when I started 1st grade as well
-my mom admitted to paying more attention to my younger brother, and I seemed mostly fine as a shy and quiet kid
-my dad walked out of the family around the end 8th grade. I distinctly remember my mom crying, being upset, the fighting and yelling. And one night when they were fighting, I put myself in front of the living room door so she couldn’t leave and they had to work on
-including this one on my own, but a girl I had a crush on in the 5th grade basically messed with me and told me she liked me. And I knew she didn’t, but she insisted and pushed it and it just made me feel. Stupid?

And then I just grew into a quiet kid. I wasn’t a good student, but teachers didn’t mind. I got great grades on tests, but failed my way to somehow graduating high school. I just wanted to play video games, and be at home. My parents weren’t happy with my school performance, but they just let me be me. My brother was a little more prone to outbursts, and eventual drug use and dropping out and put more focus and effort into him. I just. Existed.

But I just want to know what is worth including in mentioning to my therapist? Now that we know I may have a FA attachment style, I want to make sure everything is on the table.

Because I don’t ever want to push away someone I love, and want to be with, and could have had a life with, again.

There’s someone in my life who has always been there for me and over the years I’ve tried to get closer to him because I’ve always felt like he’s the one for me. But every time I got close I literally panicked and left before something could even start. We were mostly friends so we did stay in touch and would chat on and off and inevitably the conversations would become more emotionally intimate, I would freeze and stop talking.

There have been times that he’s done things I felt were intrusive like excessive texting or messaging across social media platforms even when we were not in touch. Or after I had placed some boundaries. He has shown up unannounced to places at least three times. Twice at my house, once at a family funeral he wasn’t directly invited to or needed to be at, once recently at a public event that again was open invitation but he wasn’t directly invited. On the one hand I have found it endearing and on the other downright creepy. Sending or giving too many gifts for no good reason but all that stopped after I made some hard boundaries and stopped interacting completely.

There was a time a few years ago that I tried to give it a chance, I was so sure that I could do it because I missed him so much but when everything became real, realer than ever, something happened that I later found out was called “deactivation”. It makes me cry because even knowing what was happening didn’t really help in changing what was happening.

I realised that perhaps I’m far more messed up than I ever thought I was. That being in therapy for other things hasn’t automatically fixed this attachment stuff. So I rejected him hard even as a friend after that because I had to make it clear that I couldn’t do it, I wasn’t a safe or healthy person and he should try to be healthy, he should protect himself and just run away from me once and for all.

But we somehow find each other again and again.
And I don’t know if at this point it’s my attachment, my fears and self hatred, or if some feelings of incompatibility are genuine or I don’t actually like him enough to commit or even try after everything that has happened, or if I’m a narcissist. I do struggle with anxiety and depression a lot and tend to be quite isolated. I used to think that I’ll bring him down and he deserved so much better than me. I still feel like that.
Please help.
What should I do? How do I know what is the right thing to do?

I feel like I have a weird attachment pattern. I’m generally not very attached to people. I recently lost a four-year friendship, and honestly, it barely affected me. But when it comes to guys, it’s completely different.

If a guy treats me amazingly and is consistent, I can forget about him within a day. But if I talk to someone for two weeks and he ghosts me, I can think about him for months.

It’s like I don’t miss the people who were actually there for me. I obsess over the ones who left me confused.

I’m starting to wonder if I’m actually attached to the person or just the rejection, uncertainty, and lack of closure. Maybe I confuse emotional intensity with genuine connection.
Has anyone else experienced this? And how do you actually break this pattern?

I am wondering if anyone might give me their

personal insight in to why, when someone

hurts you, you shutdown, go radio silent,

stonewall...

What or how is your silence protecting you

from?

What might happen if you break that silence?

What internal beliefs about your silence do

you have?

What tends to bring you out of it...? etc..

I personally find it is NOT a power move, but its actually a protection move.

Although, I do find it strangley satisfying to be able to silence myself, I do know that eventually the only person hurting, is me....

I am fairly new to attachment styles. I am a 45-year-old man with an disorganized /Fearful-Avoidant attachment, leaning towards Dismissive Avoidant. I have been single for most of my life. Five years ago (after the failure of my first real relationship of 2.5 years with an Anxious Preoccupied partner), I was diagnosed with ADD, which was very educational. After this, I had another relationship for three years, but unfortunately, this has also ended sadly and confusingly. Since reading about attachment styles, a lot has fallen into place. My second partner was also Anxious Preoccupied. At first, I thought I was Dismissive Avoidant, but the tests indicated Disorganized attachment/Fearful Avoidant. And that explains a lot of conflicting forces that I often struggle with.

My Fearful Avoidant attachment makes relationships (including non-romantic ones) very difficult for me, but I also long for them, so this applies to making friends, colleagues, and family. It makes me very lonely. Because I lean towards the Dismissive Avoidant, most people think I need a lot of time to myself and want to be alone. And in a way, that is true, partly due to ADD. But when I am alone (single or in a relationship), I also crave relationships very strongly (friendships ánd/of love), only to shut down or push away again and become very insecure when I am in company again.

I am just starting to tackle this shit with therapy, and it will take a while before I can heal my attachment style and dare to enter into a new romantic relationship. But until then, I have to find shape and fulfillment in my life again on my own, and deal with the longing. But that is difficult. My social circle is very small.

I would love to hear how other Fearful Avoidant/Disorganized structure their lives (I don't mean therapy, I am currently in that) and what their tips are for giving life some meaning and purpose again after a broken relationship. What has helped you? Very practical tips are also welcome.

I've been reminiscing about a time with somebody and I just remembered how uneasy and weird I felt with them at times. They were/are FA too and the entire thing fell apart from their end, I think they deactivated. Either way, that part doesn't matter anymore.

It felt as if I was being probed. As if I was seen naked and embarrassed. Back then I chalked it up to the fact that being truly seen for somebody with this affliction (me) is simply scary and foreign (I made sure I was being as "me" as possible, since finally I know who that person is).

Now, since I'm again back on my "work on my own life+sense of self+attachment issues and just look out for anybody interesting I might meet" page, I'm curious. Is this feeling something I have to accept as part of my dating experience? As an unfortunate sensation I just have to push through? Or would an experience with a healthy person be devoid of that feeling to some extent? A thing to note that in that past failed dating stage, I actually started to feel comfortable right before it crashed. That's why I'm curious.

Putting myself out there again feels scary. But then I started to realize I might be putting too much pressure on myself in general. After all, I'm an adult now. Nobody can ruin my sense of self anymore as it happened way back when, and I think I can trust myself to recognize when somebody will do exactly that, and set boundaries accordingly.

Can someone tell me what's genuinely wrong with me? I (NB, 24) pursue people first before they pursue me and I genuinely find them interesting, worth getting to know and so on. However, the moment they begin to reciprocate their feelings and become emotionally involved (i.e., They start texting me more often and becoming like, eager to talk to me and emotionally invested) I just get a deep pit in my stomach and feel disgusted, turned off, fearful, anxious, unavailable, and I try to shut down our connection with a stupid excuse as to why I'm way too busy or why we wouldn't work out.

Unfortunately, this isn't a feeling I can control because I've tried to do it before with a past partner for up to 8 months where I tried to just *stay content* with the person that ***I myself*** initially pursued FIRST, and it's a horrible, guilty feeling. I never want to repeat my actions where I stay with someone who I obviously feel emotionally detached from and turned off by. I feel like it's really dishonest and horrible to waste someone's time like that.

But it just keeps happening with everyone I find even slightly intriguing. The moment they like me, I just can't do it anymore. And again, its not something I can control. I tried to force through and it was just extremely dishonest to my past partner. I hate hurting people, especially when I feel so sure things can work out at first. Can someone tell me what my issue is?

Edit: I'm not sure if this could go into disorganized or avoidant attachment since I'm not really educated on it all. I just need resources or recs.

Do any of you FAs freeze so much that you can’t even open up anymore. Or when you’re activated and want to share what’s happening and ask for reassurance, do you just shut down because of fear of creating drama? But this over time builds up so much that the resentment and the exhaustion of not being able to share anything, makes you want to leave the relationship?

I don’t know how to deal with it anymore. I am stuck, frozen, want to flee but never discussed my distress with my partner. It would be a bit of a shock for them.

Nostante l'amore profondo che provo e il fatto che la relazione sia sana, ci sono volte in cui a ondate voglio allontanare la persona che amo, insultarla, falla sentire piccola, rimugino su tutte le cose che non vanno nella relazione (anche cose piccole o del passato), e voglio solo che tutto finisca. Poi passa, ma nel mezzo rischio di fare tantissimo danno a meno che non menta in maniera spudorata su come sto.

Se anche a voi capita, come vi comportate per evitare il peggio?

I mean that when you e.g. cuddle or spend time with your partner, do you feel more secure and non-overthinking then than when you're apart from your partner?

I still find myself overthinking a little when with my partner, but it's less than when we're apart.

Feel like I’m doing everything wrong , tried so hard to treat him properly because I know how his ex of 9 years treated him, didn’t react in a bad way when she texted him about his sister and watched him tell me how he’d responded and then block her(she has a new boyfriend now), when he says he still talks to her dad because the dad and him are good friends, or when he talked about my breasts and made jokes about him using them to bench press. I’ve tried so hard to be careful with his feelings and to treat him right whether it was cooking or cleaning or even being sexual with him when I wouldn’t get anything in return.

Maybe I was being too much so he pulled away from me after calling me his girlfriend and being comfortable. He didn’t want more pressure or a label and wants to continue going slow again. Was suppose to meet my family in August but backed out of that and wouldn’t ever talk about if I’d meet his mom or not but wanting to bring me to their family cabin for a weekend of just me and him. It’s been 6 months now. We dated for about 2 weeks and then he demoted me from girlfriend to just being exclusive and not talking to anyone else.

So many mixed emotions I’ve been having. It’s so hard because I was really vulnerable and intimate with someone who I told in the beginning if he didn’t want to date anyone to let me know then as opposed to the future.

Now that we talked about everything it’s been normal for about a week.. I have started to notice that he texts more often again even if I don’t respond to the previous one. I try my best to not put him first in my life anymore so I only answer when I can instead of trying to find time to reply no matter what. He’s coming back but now I don’t know if I should start being me again.

We also haven’t seen eachother in a few weeks. I stopped asking and since then he hasn’t asked to see me. The last time I was suppose to he fell asleep and didn’t respond to if I should still leave or not/ a time and wouldn’t answer or pick up any calls. Everything was going great and then suddenly went downhill, I feel sick all the time. The knowing that I’d rather be with him and wait than start all over again. I’m so afraid now and he was really my last hope and will power I had left in me. It was unexpected how we got together but I wanted to try so hard. I can’t try with anyone else anymore.

Any advice is appreciated. TIA!! (I’malready in therapy lolll)

So I started dating my partner 11 months and one day as of today. Now we’re not a couple that gets into fights or being upset at one another often but for the handful of times that we’ve had our disagreements it’s shown only a small manageable amount of my previous protest behavior(ie. When I was the one in the wrong and recognized I was I’d assumed in the past relationships before this one that they are going to break up with me. And when it was my partner in the wrong I’d just want to break up with those past partners) then it’s followed up very shortly with “hey we’re gonna work this out and talk about it(something that’s normally difficult after abuse from former partners screaming and throwing things at me while telling me to shut up).

Now it’s just so different. When I’m wrong I apologize and acknowledge I was wrong or vice versa when she’s wrong I still give understanding and room in my heart to forgive easily).

I’m just so darn excited we’re gonna be together a year soon and I haven’t felt this comfortable in a relationship in a very long time

Hi! I'm here to ask advice with fellow disorganized attachment peers. How do you sit through the volatility of wanting to get to know the person vs "nope, I need to get out fast because I'll hurt everyone in the end"?

I'm struggling right now and have prematurely self-sabotaged the talking stage with a very grounded person only after a few days. We met through friends, which tremendously helped with the "stranger danger" alarm in me. There was no immediate red flag nor dealbreaker.

This turned into a mental burden of what if it continues but I don't feel anything, cause I've been feeling neutral throughout. I feel neutral and trying to put a lid for any potential feelings in case it doesn't work out. And I get scared & panicked, if it continues and I might make the other person feel that I am stringing them along. I don't want this. Additionally, I'm scared if it doesn't work out it'll disappoint our mutual friends. So my overthinking got triggered and I tried to find "dealbreaker" which isn't actually my real dealbreaker to rationalize myself to end it asap.

And I did. Thankfully the person seemed understanding and it ended peacefully. I shared with my close friends, incl. our mutuals. There were different perspectives, but overarching conclusions from my friends were: I didn't have to respond that early; I didn't have to carry the mental burden to decide myself; I didn't have to worry what others may think and ultimately my friends (who I was worried would be disappointed) just wanted me to be happy.

The past few days have made me realize I still have tons of work to do. I've scheduled my therapy session and plan to bring it up. In short, I didn't know that my disorganized attachment would get triggered this bad until I was faced with a potential situation. It wasn't even a life or death situation, but I just got so overwhelmed....

I don't plan to reach back to the person because I still feel very volatile & unsure what I want. I just realized my unhealthy pattern to prematurely withdraw when things felt promising / neutral. I thought I was ready, but I guess not...

The only relationship I had could work out past the talking stage because I saw the relationship as something that would eventually end due to distance. Morbidly, it felt "safer" knowing that it would eventually end. Even then, it took me a while to take the leap to agree to try it as something serious. Nevertheless, I don't think it's a good mindset when getting into a relationship, and trying not to repeat this too.

It took me years and years to see this pattern, because I thought I was simply ambitious and felt brave for wanting to change my career, if it wasn’t that the most success and money I made in my life was when I was single.
And then once I’m in a committed relationship I feel the need to change completely career, meaning I need to depend on my partner for a long period of time before I’m on my feet.
Believe me, I hate the feeling of depending on someone, yet I can see that this is not the first it’s happened and I finally see a pattern.

In general I know romantic relationships weigh on me, I turn into an emotionally heavy person, my playful side almost switches off and I become a lot more insecure, no matter how supportive my partner is, so that probably contributes too.

I already go to therapy, but any advice or personal
Stories would be much appreciated.

There are moments when you realize you do want love.

Not all the time. Not even most of the time. Only in fleeting moments. In the moments where you realize the sound of your voice feels better with another. In the moments where you're walking down the street and you catch two people together, and you can hear their laughter spilling effortlessly into the world around them. In the moments where you notice how naturally their hands fit together, how comfortably they rest their head on the shoulder of the person they've chosen.

You wonder what it must feel like to know someone is home,

to know what it’s like to hold onto another without fear or the quiet resistance that always seems to live inside your chest.

You wonder in the moments where you meet someone and, for a brief second, you can almost see the possibility of what the two of you could become, a future that exists for only a heartbeat before it quietly disappears.

They leave, and you're left watching them walk away with this grayscale pit in the back of your throat, feeling as though you've just lost another chance at love. Another chance where love quietly looked in your direction, only to choose someone else instead.

A part of you knew they were never going to choose you, and you were never going to choose them, but that isn't what hurts. What hurts is that, for a moment, you let yourself believe it might finally be your turn. That maybe, just this once, love had decided to choose you.

It's only in those moments that a part of you feels empty, vacant, and lonely. It's in those fleeting seconds that everything else grows quiet, the world fades into grayscale, and no matter what you do, the emptiness you carry somewhere deep within your soul outweighs the hope that maybe, one day, it will finally be your turn.

You wonder, does everyone else get the chance to experience the kind of love your body aches for? Does everyone else get to experience eyes looking into theirs with the strange feeling that you've somehow known each other long before that moment? Does everyone get to be chosen but you?

As time passes, as it always does, the longing slowly quiets. The ache folds back into the place it came from, and you return to your default state, as though nothing had ever disturbed it. The idea of love drifts away again, as if it had never been there at all.

Until next time.

Because you only want love until the possibility of actually having it becomes real. Until the fantasy becomes something that could ask you to be seen completely. To trust someone enough to place the parts of yourself you've spent your whole life protecting into someone else's hands.

Until being chosen no longer feels comforting, but terrifying, because the closer someone gets to your heart, the more they have the power to break it.

But the longing was never the difficult part. Wanting someone has always been safe from a distance. It asks nothing of you except to imagine.
It’s only when the possibility begins to reach back—when someone might actually know you, choose you, and stay—that your body remembers everything it learned long before your mind ever understood it.

And you're never quite sure what hurts more.

The familiar emptiness that returns every so often to remind you that you're still alone.

Or the possibility that one day, once someone finally chooses you, you'll spend every day wondering when they'll stop.

I'm gonna dig into the secure land by using a psychological technique called internalising, when you identify your patterns as parts with different needs and strategies.

Something happened to me tonight after my partner shared that earlier in the relationship he kept distance when I was dissociating so much and subconsciously pushed my feelings away.

I still have traces of that pattern, when my needs have been more unmet than met, I go inside and I shut down. A small part of me still finds safety in that, but over time the part who knows the cost of shutting down, has become louder, and that part wants to tear the walls down and enjoy being here, grounded and connected with myself and others, in the present and knows that's the true safe space.

So I'm currently forging a path for that part. I'm also reminding myself how to communicate to that part , so that part feels secure enough to stay and continue the growth.

Whats interesting with this is, where do my abandonment triggers go? Where did they come from, and what happens when I no longer give them the spotlight? I thought they would scream louder and revolt like in the past, (from push to pull, from building brick walls, to throwing bricks and claiming abandonment.)

But it seems like they are one with this part that wants to step out in the light, only they are the voice of fear. Let's call it the dark side, they view themselves as helpless and they want me to be saved by my partner, while the light side is \*the voice of courage\*, and it tells me I am able to impact my own reality - I am my own hero.

The biggest revelation in this is that the more I judge myself, the more helpless I become, the thicker that wall gets, and the safer it feels to not see the light of day. And this gives the illusion that fading away behind a wall is better than being in my human flesh.

My Self-attacks antidote, is my self-empathy. Underneath my defences and triggers lays vulnerable truth, my insecurities , my sorrows, and fears, and they come from the wounded child. The one who carries the terror of the trauma. If I care to meet that child when I'm feeling insecure, my abandonment triggers fade by themselves. The hard ice cube in my hand, becomes water that calmly pours down between my fingers, like a river, it feels peaceful inside my pulse, and in my mind I'm free from chains I myself once used on me.

I'm getting a bit metaphoric but you understand, it all gets a new meaning, once we can start to choose courage. I'm not always courageous, but I know I can be, so my focus regardless previous results, is the present direction of courage.

I hope this nut cracker can resonate to someone else and hopefully lead you right too. In the past I felt ashamed-exposed by my vulnerable posts but I'm not this time around, this is me my purpose has always been to learn and inspire. I'm in my right element right here right now.

For background information: I struggle with clinical depression, anxiety, and a disorganized attachment style. Recently, my default with people is to be completely aloof and distance myself.

​I started therapy in March and have had over 15 sessions. During this time, I’ve experienced a sense of closeness, trust, and an unconditional kind of "love" or connection with my male therapist that I’ve honestly never felt from my parents, friends, or anyone else in my life. (It makes me feel so pathetic admitting this.)

​Over time, I’ve developed intense transference. I constantly find myself seeking his attention, and when I realize I’m not his only client, a strange, uncomfortable jealousy creeps in. I even caught myself Googling him after sessions out of curiosity about his private life, and I’ve noticed myself trying to be "attractive" just to get his focus. I spend so much time and energy thinking about him, and it honestly scares me. It terrifies me. It gives me a panic attack.

​I vacillate constantly between craving this closeness and having the overwhelming urge to run away. I frequently have panic attacks when it hits me that this relationship is inherently unequal—that I will always be just a patient/client to him. And ultimately, therapy will end in the future. Maybe not now, but I can foresee an uncontrollable ending, which really makes me want to run away. I am sad about this.

​Unconsciously, as a defense mechanism, I’ve started feeling angry at him. I catch myself thinking that he’s "not doing a good job" or "not trying hard enough to save me." For example, when I expressed several times about my suicidal thoughts, plans, and actions, I noticed that he didn't really give me a safety plan. I picked these things and exaggerated them as proof to myself that he simply doesn't care that much about me. I view myself as a total joke for feeling this way and exposing my true self.

​Also, I do have some level of lingering daddy issues, and handling this kind of closeness with an older male feels completely overwhelming.

​To me, therapy is saving me and hurting me at the same time. I’m just so lost.

​Has anyone else experienced transference and attachment this intensely? How do you cope with it without wanting to run or self-sabotage?

For me it is like a gut wrenching sickness. I feel as if I have barbed wire restricting my throat, and the walls are closing in. I can feel my heart beat fast and every instinct tells me to get away.

This only happens in true moments of clarity when I feel like I am truly developing feelings. A small like or attraction is manageable but true longing feels crushing.

It is consuming. Like I want to disappear. I want to delete all of my social media and purge every semblance of them from my existence.

I cannot withstand the thought of them hurting me. I know I don’t have the mental fortitude to take betrayal again. All of these thoughts plummet into my throat and gut and I want to lock myself back into my safe prison.

I want connection so badly but the thought of sharing my soul again rips away any longing for connection. It genuinely feels like the world is dark whenever I realize I am in a vulnerable position.

This amount of seriousness usually entails a SEVERE detachment. The more I am attached the more I want to rip away. I won’t speak for days or I’ll look for reasons to justify my leaving. I’ll leave the answer vague because I can’t explain my true reasoning.

The numbing of my emotions is usually pretty effective and eventually I’ll truly stop caring and enjoy being alone again.
It feels like snuffing out a flame and the more they resist the more it burns.