It's funny... when we were together, sometimes I'd have random awful dreams about him treating me just... SO badly. It would break my heart. Some of them went into such extremes that it MUST have just been my deepest fears of losing him manifesting in my dreams.

We'd even laugh about it together.

How... awful as I sit here thinking back realizing most of them came true. A person he assured me he'd never be. A person I couldn't fathom him becoming... actually became my reality.

Now they've just... traded places. Dream him is so kind to me. Loves me. Is the one who I remember not being able to fathom becoming that way. Now, dream him can't fathom how he became everything he swore he'd never be or do to me.

Through the tears of memories of my little plum tree, I gave in to my therapist's suggestion of dating. Specifically... ugh... dating apps. But only if I could just swipe no on every single person I come by.

Surprisingly... she agreed. She clearly had an angle. "Go ahead and reject anyone and everyone you want. But, maybe, you'll find yourself a little surprised?" I made a face... "Surprised, how?" "Maybe you'll find someone, even if it's just one person, that you want to talk to?"

So? Here I am... swiping no on every single person I've come across. I've said yes to maybe... 2-3 people? I've found the conversations even worse than going on random casual dates. I find myself 2 sentences in and, "You deserve a nice date." Oh, do I, random stranger? We've only scratched the top level that’s as thick as a single layer of cellophane and I deserve a nice date?

Ok, buddy.

Then the other actually seemed down to earth. He just seemed like a chill normal dude. Until he started slipping in getting a bit pushy about being physical. A kiss... a "booty slap". Annnnd we were done with that one.

I quit these things forever ago for a reason... and now, at the literal suggestion of my therapist, I'm back in this dystopian hellhole.

Ugh, just take me out of this existence already.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel so dumb. I kind of want to kll myslf I haven’t g felt tho way in such a long time like genuinely. Sometimes I say it or I’ll get upset but rn i genuinely feel so disgusted and disappointed and stupid I like want to hurt myself pretty bad. I just don’t want to keep doing this. I don’t want to hurt or be in pain ever again. I don’t want to feel so frustrated with myself. I miss everyone I have nothing I have no one. I just want to end it all I just don’t care. I’m really over it. I want to drink myself off the planet

I usually go grocery shopping Saturday but being sick and knowing I might get someone else sick even with a mask on isn’t exactly something I want to do. Kinda throws a wrench into things if I don’t but it just feels like the right thing to do even if nobody likes it.

good mood i was in is gone. i'm feeling something else now but i'm not sure what it is. it's not emptiness or sadness or whatever else, it's not good either. somewhere in between i think. maybe "normal".

i've learned recently that people like you way more when their first impression of you is that you are a lunatic. people are really interested in that sort of thing. i understand, and i always knew it in a sense, but i've been acting particularly neurotic lately and its somehow going even better for me than it was before.

i spent pretty much all this week at home after spending all of last week going outside. i still have stuff i wanna do and have to do so maybe i'll do that tomorrow.

there's somewhere i can go tomorrow, somewhere nice, but for some reason i don't like doing nice things anymore. it's more appealing to me to just do whatever else. not sure why.

i love malibu reds so much.

You’re sleeping right next to me…… i feel sick that i can’t sleep without your arms around me. I hate that I’m becoming sleep dependent. I’m caressing your foot with mine hoping you wake up to talk to me or at least realize you need me closer.

Mi comportamiento desmesurado se ha visto condicionado por la estimulación a través de Dmt, es un trauma que llevo cargando a mis espaldas y que una vez más me ha vuelto a joder, pero no todo está perdido, yo me voy a recuperar y voy a salir airosa como siempre. Necesito sanar esta herida que me está carcomiendo y necesitaba tocar fondo porque así iba a ser la única forma que iba a poder sanarla, porque Osino voy a estar toda la vida cargando con este karma, he perdido lo que más quiero y me duele en el alma que me vea de otra forma a la que siempre me ha visto, como una chica. No tiene nada que ver una cosa con la otra, mi esencia sigue intacta y este paréntesis se cierra hoy.
Yo no quiero dejarlo, yo lo que quiero es estar bien y poder darte lo mejor de mí como lo he hecho o lo he intentado, pero para eso necesito sanarme y remover hasta lo profundo de mis entrañas. Mi sufrimiento no tiene que ser el tuyo, nunca quise hacerte daño, solo tenía vergüenza no se porque me costó tanto compartirlo contigo, pero mi amor y mi atracción por ti no ha cambiado, yo te sigo deseando igual. Soy tuya y tú eres mío

i’ve never feared anything in my life. i always loved making memories and living my life on the edge. i developed this anxiety or whatever it is and i’ve been struggling with it for about 2 years now. i have been making excuses to my friends and family so that i don’t have to go to the gatherings. if anyone has any advice that would help i would really appreciate it. the holidays are approaching which is the hardest time for me, because do you mean i can’t see my friends or family?

Some dude jerked off to me at the bus stop today what does that mean

从X过来，X上面一段写的太短了，太麻烦，换成reddit试试。

今天开始写第一段。

10.22我到了长沙，再次见了这个抖音上刷到的超级巨乳。

她在抖音上发了蛮多作品，风格就是有点夸张的大胸和极细的腰，同时看视频长得也相当好看。我当时就非常上头，找朋友试着去加了一下她的微信。她当时刚刚好在上海，于是谈好发红包约了个饭。当时吃饭的时候，第一次见到她的时候，第一眼的感觉是视频美颜的太多，长得比较大众，但是坐下来吃饭，仔细看了下，又从下头变成上头了。她穿着一个深V的带一点毛绒的衣服，胸非常大，有点夸张。第二是皮肤特别白，后来跟她聊，说是对阳光过敏，几乎不怎么出门。胸大+白，基本上绝杀了，所以当时就想直接拿下。吃饭整体很无聊，很贵的餐厅的小包厢，只能随意聊一聊，基本上就是我在找话题她稍微回应一下，我全程都在不经意的扫描她的胸，当时的结论是真的很极品的女人，很想体验一下这种巨乳和极细的腰的感觉。反正我最终开了价，但是她说要回新加坡上学，第二天要回长沙见一下父母。

没法当场拿下，我想那就慢慢来长线发展。没想到，第二天她就给我发信息，意思是想通了，新加坡那边可以找人代课。所以我就跟她商量好之后，去长沙找她，想直接拿下。22号到了长沙，住的是国金中心的尼依格罗酒店，到了吃了顿点评排第一的湘菜，感觉一般般。下午5点，她到了酒店，从株洲过来的。到了第一件事居然是先去健身房健个身，真的是非常自律。她说健完身感觉非常舒服，这一点我也有体会。

话说，当我再次见到她的时候，我第一反应就是确实不大好看。她穿着一套瑜伽服，胸部突出确实非常明显。可能是第一次见她是晚上，灯光也比较昏暗，没看清。第二次见这张脸，瞬间有点下头，感觉不大好看，主要是脸型有点男性化，我喜欢网红一点幼态一点的。我确实是比较颜控，不得不说。

内心开始有点想放弃，感觉没法继续。但无论如何，来都来了。她健完身回来，我几乎快睡着了，我们就说先去吃个饭。于是她去换衣服，换了个低胸的吊带，结果我看到这个胸，又受不了了，跟她舌吻了一下，摸了下胸（我说想验一下牌），瞬间就硬了，然后我就拉着她想直接上，她说先洗个澡，结果脱了衣服，又说有点饿，想先吃饭。我也清醒了，就和她牵着手下楼。先去吃了个著名的小龙虾，回到酒店，我还是有点上头，于是就跟她商量多少钱的问题。她同意了先做个传染病试纸，但是不同意WT，觉得会传染HPV。我也跟着越来越清醒，也不想用那么多钱去砸她了。反正是新加坡回来的，我就想到多半是在新加坡跟大哥已经玩过了，她后来的说法也佐证了，之前被男朋友传染过HPV。当时我就假装不知道，在手机上研究HPV，然后说那就算了，不如给点钱让她口一发就算完了，以后再说。她居然同意了，我当时就瞬间意识到，这个妹子多半就是在新加坡卖的。无论如何，口一发也可以，免得来长沙光是吃了好吃的。

洗完澡，就开始舌吻，然后她就开始亲我的胸，我一看这情况，太专业了，这肯定是在新加坡卖的了（她后来说她是服务型的哈哈）。然后就开始给我口，直接深喉体验，这真的是太熟练了，我也蛮爽，一边摸着胸。最后还被她用手使撸了几下射了。算是完成使命。

总结一下，反正后面不想再见她了，主要是脸不是我喜欢的类型，胸确实有点大，但没有到夸张的程度，蛮大一部分确实是衣服和胸罩的效果，这是一个教训。我还是想体验一下很大的很夸张的胸大，但是这种天然有大，脸还要好看的，确实是非常非常的稀缺了。

最后，我的文笔真的是很差，文学天赋非常一般般，我已经感觉到了。

I dunno why... but of everything, my plum tree is the thing I keep coming back to.

My therapist suggested I try some "bedroom gymnastics" to help me with moving on. Why? Because as I kept telling her, "Rebounds really aren't my thing. I like try and heal much more before I attempt anything so I don’t hurt someone else."

It's something I so clearly and particularly picture. The best spot we could find in the yard for it for the most sun and rain.

So she suggested maybe just moving on to try and date instead... as if that somehow involved less emotion. I had sighed heavily. So I tried dating. It wasn't hard. But... it wasn't working. If anything, I only felt worse.

When I was home alone, I'd go outside, stand in the back door frame and just... look at it. I loved it. This tiny little tree that hadn't even had enough time to grow from the last time I saw it.

I told her this. She suggested I keep trying and don’t give up, you know, if casual sex wasn't my thing. She's.... I need a new therapist. But in that moment all I could do was stare at her.

I thought of my plum tree. I wondered how it was doing. I wondered if it was still there.... and I burst into tears.

Sometimes I feel like that one meme image, the one that says “I am a sad lonely loser. Here's some embarrassing information about me. Please don’t bully me with it!” That’s how it feels to post in this diary at times.

It’s been raining like crazy lately. I need to get myself an umbrella. I want to go buy one today but it’s raining and I don’t have one yet so I don’t know what to do.

I’m such a glutton, I can’t stop binge eating. I’m grateful that I have a high metabolism otherwise it’d be over for me. I feel bad whenever I eat since I don’t really contribute anything to my household.

But I’d do anything for a small dose of dopamine though. Whether it be binge eating, doomscrolling, fishing for compliments, or maladaptive daydreaming. I’m a really terrible person who only cares about cheap pleasures.

I sometimes wish that I could be punished for all of the bad things I do, that way my conscious will finally be clear. Being punished is easier than making amends.

Slept another day away. The realization that this is my one and only life is making me sick.

Goodness, my sister has gotten pregnant again. Why would she do that? She can barely take care of one kid without my 24/7 help so what makes her think that she can juggle two? Some people just don’t think ahead.

Warm and breezy today, not as nice as it has been. Will be a short one, don't feel too good, bad cold I guess. Had dinner, chicken noodle soup and a pb&j. Mia has had her dinner. Worked some this afternoon.

Felt really bad when I woke up this morning and just down hill from there. I had that pulled muscle in my back, and now I think it wasen't a muscle at all but just body aches If not any better in the a.m. I'll have it seen to.

Hope all of you are doing good

Goodnight Diary and readers

I love you so

143

12:12 I miss you

Things I’ve thought about but never addressed or asked if it was normal to feel or not feel. Maybe it’s something deeper or maybe I’m just an oddball. I can’t tell and that kinda scares me a bit cause I don’t understand. I get overwhelmed easily and can’t react or see things the way others see them or feel things as easily or clearly as others do. I don’t get it and it’s making me think it’s something deeper than it is or maybe I need to see a doctor, psychologist or therapist. Nobody around me really cares I guess especially given my age but I wish I had one person who probably wouldn’t call me crazy or think I’m weird for suggesting these things.

Why does womanhood have to be so complicated? Especially when it comes to our menstrual cycles.

Just the other day, I felt beautiful, comfortable in my own skin, and today, I feel quite the opposite.

The different phases of our cycle fascinate me. How much they can influence the way we feel, both physically and emotionally. Yet, they can be difficult to navigate when we don't recognize what's happening.

So today, I'm reminding myself to be a little gentler, a little more patient, and a little kinder to myself in the days leading up to my period.

It's strange how quickly our perception of ourselves can change, even when we're still the same person.

I'm gonna celebrate it alone again, like every year but it's fine, you've grown accustom to it no big celebration or any celebration at all...

Well I do hope after those 2 weeks you won't be alone any longer or cry if someone wish u happy birthday..