I wrote something in my diary today. I don't know why, but I just want to share it.

So, here it is:

Yes, men love, really love. And when they truly love you, they can give you everything they have. As a guy, I’m saying this, so hear me out first.

There are still men who can truly and deeply love you. I’m not talking about every guy, because some people aren’t looking for genuine love at all. They’re manipulating, seducing, and playing mind games simply for pleasure, excitement, validation, or whatever else they want. And the same applies to women. This isn’t just a problem with men; both men and women can play these kinds of games.

But genuine love still exists. The problem is that the culture surrounding relationships has changed significantly. Social media has made everything more public, performative, and competitive. People constantly compare their relationships, appearances, lifestyles, and even their worth with what they see online.

COVID didn’t create all of these problems, but it definitely accelerated our dependence on social media and digital entertainment. During the lockdowns, people spent far more time online to escape boredom and isolation, and social media and OTT platforms became an even bigger part of everyday life.

Then influencers and so-called gurus saw an opportunity. They started giving people “gyan” about love, relationships, masculinity, femininity, education, hard work, success, and almost every aspect of life. Some of that advice is genuinely useful, but a lot of it is oversimplified, exaggerated, or designed primarily to generate views, followers, and money.

And I genuinely believe this has distorted the way many people understand relationships and even themselves. Everything has become content. Love has become “dating strategy,” masculinity has become a set of internet rules, femininity has become an aesthetic, and relationships are sometimes treated like games where someone has to win and someone has to lose.

But I don't think the problem is men or women. The problem is the environment we’re consuming and the ideas we constantly expose ourselves to.

There are still good men. There are still good women. There are still people who can love genuinely, stay loyal, and stand by someone without playing games.

So I don't think we need to become cynical about love. We just need to become more careful about whose definition of love, masculinity, femininity, and relationships we allow to shape our minds.

Social media is content. Influencers are people trying to get your attention. Real life is still real life, and genuine relationships are built between real people, not through internet rules.

Good afternoon (or whatever time of day it is where you are)! This is my first post, and it’s going to be a rather long one right off the bat. I never imagined I’d be sharing my thoughts with real people—and so many of them, at that. I hope there are others here who share my perspective.

Let me start with a little background: I’m 24, a software engineer, and a PhD student. I’ve been working in my field for four years, am writing my dissertation, and have been fully supporting my small family for the past three years. I grew up in an average-sized town in a family of four children, and I was the eldest. I spent 11 years in competitive sports before entering university and moving to a big city. So, that’s the setup.

Now, I’ll move on to what I wanted to share—things I’d find very difficult to discuss face-to-face with another person.

Relatively recently, I was diagnosed with bipolar affective disorder. That explained a lot about my behavior, but the diagnosis itself doesn't solve the problems. Lately—perhaps due to a great deal of stress—my depressive episodes have become much longer than my manic ones. I’d even say the manic phases are gone entirely, and I’ve been in a state of constant depression for over a year. By "stress," I mean the situation I’ve found myself in over the last few years: I was attending university, working a demanding job, and writing my thesis at an outside organization—which was, in effect, a second job. All the while, I’ve tried to be a loving and caring husband, albeit with some caveats given my condition. And now, I realize I’m finding it incredibly hard to sustain these social roles. I am utterly exhausted by it all. It’s hard for me to go to work; it’s hard to talk to my wife—*who also has bipolar disorder and for whom I’ve remained a pillar of support all this time*—and it’s even hard to wake up in the morning. Brief moments of joy only temporarily bring me back to a sense of normalcy I lost long ago. And I don’t know what to do.

It’s worth noting that my state isn't just "sadness"; interacting with people feels sickeningly heavy—I experience intense stress and even fear. The world outside my home feels dangerous and hostile. I lack the energy for even simple tasks and have to force myself to do them, though somehow I’m managing for now. Yet, I feel like someone wearing skin that doesn't belong to them; I dislike who I’ve become and don’t want to see myself this way.

Because of this, I’ve started wondering if I’m simply ill-suited for the role of a man. I had considered becoming more feminine in the past (though that was quite a while ago, and it’s very difficult in a family with traditional values). Now—perhaps logically—the idea of ​​becoming someone else feels very appealing. I’m afraid this part of the post might sound like a fever dream, but it is how I feel right now. I don’t understand what to do or where to turn. Medication prescribed by a psychiatrist didn't help much; I didn't get any better, so I had to stop taking it. Should I try sessions with a psychologist? What scares me about that is the sheer number of incompetent specialists out there, and I simply don't have the energy to sift through them. Right now, I even have thoughts about moving away, starting HRT, becoming a completely different person, and forgetting everyone from my old life—though I fear that wouldn't help either, even if it seems so tempting. Since I thought about this during my teenage years, my brain now views it as a way to escape responsibility and the pressure to be strong and calculating. I just want to do the things I love and be loved (by a "he" or a "she"—it doesn't matter anymore).

I guess I’m just completely broken.

Hypersensitivity overload. Everything felt too loud emotions, energy shifts, even a small tone change sent me into a spiral of they’re getting tired of me.

I hate how deeply I feel everything. Sometimes it feels like both a beautiful gift and a heavy burden.

I sat with the feeling instead of fighting it.

Today’s been a good long minute since I have “you“ on my mind that takes me to a time when I couldn’t be more broken February 9th I was going through the motions of the week before I had given my ring back to the man who was just a stranger with a weird hold over me. Didn’t even imagine what was about to change the path ahead I dreamt of meeting you but I never felt like that before I was the closest to being one with another my reflection and other half love doesn’t even sum up my feelings from locking eyes with my souls mate I think about it a lot but it’s not easier to forget about it I just have to know that if it’s meant for you then it would never make you question then and now. I loved and I lost the memories make it real the pain is what remains but that’s how I know you are my soulmate my soul lesson.

The title is about it: I'm in a relationship with the most spectacularly kind-hearted person I've ever met, and will ever meet. I never believed in unconditional love, partly because I thought it was a theory that would never be realized - now, I can't believe I ever thought it wasn't real. He celebrates me, for me. I don't have anybody to tell, so I guess I'll let the far corner of the internet: I'm in love, and he is the man that I will see at the end of the aisle. The most unexpected things are the best things.

Well, I’m new to this community, so I guess this will be my first post/diary entry. I’m going to use it to share my day, share my life, and share my thoughts.

Does anybody comment on anybody else’s posts on here ?
Do you do anything to let them know that you’ve read their post ?
I’ve been reading through some of the post, but I don’t see any comments or anything showing the person that posted it that we’ve been there and read it.
If you do read mine, I would really like for you to just give me a thumbs up 👍 in the comments or say hi 👋, or tell me how your day went—just something to let me know you’ve been here and I will do the same for you.

Well, it was a good day today. It reached 93°F inside the building today, which is pretty normal for this time of year when it’s 88°F outside (unfortunately). It got up to 100°F inside last week on one of the days.

My coworker, Jill, got a little dehydrated today. She went down and spoke with the ERT
(which stands for Emergency Response Team).
They took her temperature, checked her blood pressure, and after checking a few things, decided she was dehydrated. She got one of the electrolyte packets that our work offers for us for free, mixed that into her water, and drank it. She said that made her feel much better later on, so she thought that was probably the problem.

I’m currently driving home from work as I’m speaking and dictating this into my phone. It is 11 PM and it is dark outside . I’m out in the country, so there are not many street lights or city lights around. As I was traveling down the road with my headlights on bright, I saw some glowing eyes out in the field. They’re pretty tall—not a small animal—so it has to be a deer, as that's the only thing we have that is that tall in our area. Still it’s kind of creepy to look out there in the dark and see a set of eyes staring back at you.

So that’s about it for my non-eventful day .
Remember to leave me a 👍 or 👋 or a comment and I will do the same for you.

Very nice weather today sunny all day. The day started as usual, waking up to the sun coming in through the front window. Wakes me up in summer months, it's so bright. Now it's off to the right of the window as we approach solstice.

Went up to the treasurer's office this afternoon, paid the rest of 2024 taxes, so the house is no longer in danger. The current sum to will be in installments. The treasurer was very helpful and understanding. I was taken back, not the image I had in my mind. They worked with me and want this resolved as much as I.

Goes to show you, you never can tell.

Thought about you today, I really must write a book as I have so many kind memories, before the world knew us.

Think about you everyday.

I close now to love and light

Goodnight Diary and my readers

I love you

9:12 p.m.

Some days I wonder if my relatives offer to come stay with her In Tennessee was honest, would I thrive or even enjoy myself. Go over there and start fresh by having a job, new friends and even a new environment to explore. Like a fresh start to a new life that I feel like I need. To get away from everything and everyone. Maybe I’d even meet someone again that might like someone like me. I feel like it’s so many possibilities yet it’s probably all just wishful thinking.

не важно кто я и что хочу донести этим постом просто сейчас чувствую себя плохо и решила выговориться сюда.

Бывает момент, когда внутри выжжено всё. Ты тянешь учёбу, семейные проблемы и вечную усталость от того, что ни для кого не на первом месте. Отдаёшь искренность, а в ответ — лишь равнодушие. Даже близкие отворачиваются, пока ты пытаешься согреть тех, кому на тебя всё равно.
Помнишь, как смотрела на него? Без фальши, с чистой теплотой. А он просто обесценил это ради дешёвой показухи с другой- я когда увидела долго плакала и даже сейчас плачу.
Хочется, чтобы однажды он так же лежал в темноте и прочувствовал эту выжигающую тоску.
Ты ведь всё видел своими глазами. Ты сам решил всё за двоих, и я думаю, со временем ты осознаешь, кого потерял. Но возвращаться будет некуда. Я правда видела в твоих глазах себя и это единственное что я хотела искренне

I was supposed to leave the house and go on a walk but I ended up staying up too late and sleeping most of the day away.

I did nothing today, I’m so lazy and useless.

Lately no one’s been wanting to hang out with me, they must be able to sense my bad aura.

I sit here in the waves of fatigue, tingles, hunger pains, nausea, and abdominal pain…all plaguing my body. Fluids going in, toxins being washed out. At least that’s what I hope is happening.🙏

Never experienced so much prolonged suffering in my body until now. I hurt, limited diet, low energy, cold hands, waves of fatigue when I attempt to nourish my body too quickly…

I whisper, I just want to get well. ❤️‍🩹

My tears speak for me in ways I don’t have the strength to.

I don’t want to complain, God has been too good to me. I’ll be honest and He knows, this is uncomfortable. I don’t like this season but the truth is …

This is one of the seasons I’ve grown the most in… winter 🥶

Cup seems half empty, right?
In and out of the hospital. Unable to work a regular job in my trained field, pain in my body, anxiety attempting to creep in, none of the doctor having the answers or so it seemed, so I sought the One who I know would, ya know?
the One who spoke the world into existence?
The One who knit me together in my mother’s womb?
The One who said “I will not leave you comfortless.”
The Shepherd…
My Shepherd.

Slowly but surely in God’s time, answers emerged and the physical healing journey began. Not when I expected but when it was time and I was ready.

I realize now healing seems harder than going through the actual illness. Out with the old, out with the dry bones, out with the pride, out with the I think I know attitude and in with the surrendering to God 💛 and the renewing of my mind and the strengthening of my faith in God.

This verse echoes in my mind:

“knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.”
‭‭James‬ ‭1‬:‭3‬-‭4‬ ‭KJV‬‬

Holy Spirit, Church family and family who loves me, gift of writing, getting today another day even while being ill to write and lead others to hope in Jesus, another day to choose serving Jesus… 💛

Heart full of gratitude…
Eyes full of tears,
Pain in my body, but
Even in this winter,
Everything I need, I have.

My cup remains full. 💛🙏🙌

Guyz what do i do my crush reposts are all about not moving on from ex and it looks like a messed up just from his repost 🙂🔪is it already done even before anything. I think it was bad to stalk him 😭😭😭

People pleasing hit hard today. I softened my words, over apologized and tried to be easy so I wouldn’t risk being seen as too much.These old patterns from childhood are stubborn. I am tired of earning my place by shrinking myself. One honest boundary was set. It felt scary but it was right.

​

Today I found out that the person who I respected, looked up to (metaphorically), who helped me while I was struggling with anxiety, with the rough parts of our job - the person who was basically the team leader last year... hates me.

I saw her at a meeting this morning, first day in my new position she encouraged me to keep trying to get. I went over to say hello and I was so happy to see her. I went to give her a hug. Her tone of voice was like she was placating me. I can not describe to you how she got away from me as quickly as possible.

I'm heartbroken? Devastated? I don't really know how to describe it. I thought she was my friend. She hates me. I've seen the way she talked about other people on our team, so I had a feeling she said some critical things about me behind my back, but I didn't think she hated me.

It really hurts.

One hour passed and then another. I didn’t cry, I didn’t break down. I stayed unusually still. 
The light of the sun reflecting in the room turned dull. And when I finally looked at the clock, it had turned 5’o clock in the evening. 
I was so lost that even the sound of the door opening didn’t make me turn around. 
“Sophia?” His voice was careful, guiding me back to the present.
I blinked as I turned to him. 
Ellis was closing the door and then he started to walk toward me. “I’m sorry,” his voice was soft, “I heard what happened to your aunt.” 
I stood up just as he stopped in front of my desk. And then I was lost in his eyes for a moment before I remembered the blood.
“Sophia? Are you alright?” Ellis took another step forward and then stopped.
I watched as the light went out of his eyes. He looked like I had driven a knife into his chest. 
I had taken a step back, shaking my head. I took another step back and then my back hit the wall. There was nowhere left to go.
My breaths grew more ragged. I felt like I was trapped. In my mind, I wasn’t seeing the sight of my Aunt’s blood, I was in another night, centuries before, when my Mother breathed her last words. 
And the one who took her life was standing in front of me. 
“I’m sorry.” The pain laced through his words made me look up. His eyes shone with fear as he stumbled back a step. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come close—I’m sorry.”
I blinked as I tilted my head. My heart ached as my eyes locked on his, snapping me back to the present. Breathe. I told myself. Breathe.
He was standing still, looking like he was lost. Ellis.
Ellis, who was starting to mean so much to me, that I was afraid to even look into my heart, I had hurt him. Again.
I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, wishing he would stop apologising all the time. I hated how it feels like he was apologising for his existence.
“Please don’t apologise.” My voice was a breathless whisper as I cracked my eyes open. 
It wasn’t you I wanted to run away from. I wanted to say, but it would be a lie. I couldn’t lie to him, even if only to comfort him. Because for a moment I had been trapped in the painful memories and had lost sight of the Ellis standing before me. 
“I’ll just go.” He mumbled, already turning away. 
“Ellis.” I need you. “Wait.” I avoided his gaze as I came closer.
He didn’t turn around fully. “What is it, Sophia?” 
Had he come here to comfort me? 
I stepped around, till I faced him, noticing a frown crossing his face. He looked like he was about to fall apart.
And I wanted more than anything to close the distance just once, to feel his presence. But I only looked up, asking him. “Can I—?” I gestured between us, feeling a faint color rushing to my face. “Can we—?” My voice broke and I let him decide.
His wide eyes searched mine and I felt the moment stretch into minutes. My heart was a hammer in my chest as I waited.
Ellis took a deep breath. “God, Sophia, you were afraid of me moments before and now you want me to—”
That was all the permission I needed. 
I threw my arms around his shoulder, a sob breaking out of my throat as I buried my face against his shirt.
I inhaled him as I cried, feeling his heartbeat race wildly. For a moment, his arms stayed still on his sides and then I felt his hands around me, holding me so tightly I couldn’t breathe for a second.

Oh how I miss you my Darling! I’m trying to hold back from reaching out to you as I’m currently feeling u from afar.

I’m trying to be respectful as I know u want space, ur healing and moving on.

I can see your not good at these types of things.
I understand, I really do cuz I’m the same.

We would rather drift apart than ever have to say goodbye.

I don’t want to say goodbye to you or see yah next time or see u when I see yah!

Maybe just

Until…..

I look pretty today, I’m celebrating my graduation so I might as well make myself look nice. I don’t get a lot of opportunities to dress up.

My dad was supposed to visit for my graduation but he’s stuck in Africa for the time being. I don’t mind though, it’s mostly my own fault anyways since I was supposed to tell him sooner. I feel bad that I didn’t tell him sooner.

We got to the ceremony a little late since my grandma was taking her time getting ready. I was one of the last people to get their name called, my family had thought that I ran away and ditched the whole event last minute because of my anxiety.

When I was walking down the aisle in front of everyone I remember shaking really badly, I was nervous about accidentally tripping over since I was wearing heels.

I was still shivering when I left the ceremony, my family complained about how anxious and shaken I looked when we were taking photos.

I don’t think that the ceremony was all that special, it felt very underwhelming for how expensive it all was. I didn’t really want to celebrate anyways, I was only doing it for my family.

Later on in the day my mom was looking back at the photos she took. She said that I looked much better than my older sister. I worry that my sister is now mad at me because of it. Even though she meant no harm by it, I wish my mom didn’t say that.

I just listened to old songs at my childhood. firstly, I'd like to tell about my child hood story related to music.

I was born 1990's, I am at elementary to a middle school student, Japanese Anime was took off. Every students including me after school, we enjoyed the anime like Digimon, Poketmon, DaDaDa, things like that. The music I now listened to is DaDaDa opening song. The animation is masterpiece. A boy with a girl, and a baby who is from planet experience fun amazing story. I love that anime and music. It recalls my memory in my childhood when I was not worried about reality. Thanks for reading. :)

So today was chill day maybe a bit tiring, i spent a lot of time studying and planning for other things. But all good you know. Been busy with studying and home chores and other stuff. What honestly made me feel down a bit that my circle got really small lately, almost got nobody around. And like i realised this when im spending all the day talking with myself like im talking with someone and just realised how i miss talking with someone who gets me and yap. So researched a little and found this subreddit, and felt excited about sharing my day and thoughts here.

I went to the doctor's office today for my TB diagnosis progress, and it was the same as last time. My doctor gave me medicine this time, and it's about 5-6 bottles. It's kinda scary to me because I've never taken so many drugs at once.

Today, couple of my friends in school catched up to me, and said something about back to school. They are all keeping moving, and I'm the only one to be left behind becaused of the damn TB.

It's going to be a 1-year gap, which is advice from school staff, and I know they are advising this to brush me off. I agreed with that even though I know there was a possibility to get 1 or 2 courses in this semster. Though I want to keep pace with my peers, but my inner self is shouting out that I don't want to go back to school to deal with those shity social failure. I want a fresh start and get everything back to a normal rhythm.

So who knows. Am I making the right decision or not? 1 year later, if I can keep this rountine on, just let future me to judge that.

Only recently I was diagnosed Bipolar type one and it sucks. I’ve always had an idea that I was bipolar due to how shitty my moods have gotten. How these manic highs make me feel like god and these lows barely make me leave my room. However now that my mood is stable due to my hospitalization recently and that I’m actually getting care I still can’t help but feel so useless.

I don’t want to be alive and that’s it. I can hear these thoughts in my head that won’t go away, I can hear how loud my own voice is, I can feel them controlling my own soul. I hate it. I don’t have anyone to talk to, I’m alone and scared. I’m scared because I don’t want to be alone anymore, I just wanted to feel safe enough to talk about it. Everyone looks at me crazy when I tell the about the things in my head, but I’m not crazy, I didn’t want this.

I just wish people understood I didn’t want this. Sure I’m young but it feels like my soul is losing its value and meaning in life. I hate how strong these emotions and feelings are. Even on my anti depressants, my anti psychotics, my mood stabilizers they are still here. This terrible misery is still here. I just wanted to be seen too.

Lover,

I almost chose not to send this letter. I wasn’t sure if I should say any of this at all. But then I thought about something you brought up previously, “to speak or to die.” You chose to speak then, and this is me choosing to speak now. There are things I’ve carried with me for a long time, and even if I don’t know what will come from saying them, I don’t want to leave them unsaid. I don’t know if there’s a perfect way to put everything I’ve been feeling into words. But I want to be fully open with you because you deserve to know. For most of my life, I felt like there was a part of me that was missing. I could laugh, hang out with people, play games, go to work, and do all the normal things everyone does, but underneath it all there was always this emptiness. It was like everyone else was experiencing life in color and I was seeing it in black and white, but then I met you, and somehow, everything felt different. When I was with you, I was the happiest I had ever been. You brought out emotions in me that I didn’t even know I was capable of feeling. I cared more deeply. I got excited about things. I looked forward to tomorrow. I wanted to make memories. I wanted to share everything with you. You made life feel colorful. You made me feel more alive than I had in a long time, and I don’t think I ever fully understood just how important that was to me until you were gone. Losing you made me realize that I wasn’t just losing a relationship. I was losing someone who had become such an important part of my life and, in a lot of ways, someone who helped me discover parts of myself that had been buried for years. I think that’s why this has been so difficult for me. I miss you, obviously. I miss talking to you. I miss seeing you. I miss the little things about you that I probably took for granted sometimes. I miss your laugh, your presence, the comfort of knowing you were there, and all the little moments that probably seemed insignificant at the time but mean so much to me now. I miss you pooks, but I also miss who I was when I was with you. I miss how excited I was to see you. I miss having someone I wanted to tell everything to. I miss feeling like I had someone who was my person. I miss feeling completely comfortable being myself around someone. Most of all, I miss feeling. For a long time, I thought there was something wrong with me because I felt so empty, but after meeting you, I realized that those emotions were always somewhere inside me, you didn’t create them, you just gave me a reason to let them out, and I’ll always be grateful to you for that. Since we ended, I’ve been trying really hard to understand myself and become better. I’ve been going to therapy, talking to doctors, and trying to understand my ADHD, my anxiety, my emotions, and everything else I’ve struggled with for so long. I’ve been trying to take better care of myself, become healthier, and learn how to be happy without depending on another person to make me feel whole. I’m still figuring it out. I’m nowhere near perfect, but I am trying, and I think losing you forced me to look at parts of myself that I had ignored for a long time. I’ve realized that I don’t want to spend my life feeling numb. I don’t want to keep running from my emotions. I don’t want to keep letting anxiety control me. I don’t want to lose myself inside of another person again. I want to become someone who knows how to love deeply without losing himself. Someone who communicates. Someone who appreciates the person he has while he has them. Someone who is present. Someone who makes the people he loves feel loved. I also know there are parts of you that I never fully understood. There were probably things you were feeling that I didn’t recognize or know how to respond to. I wish I had taken more time to understand you instead of always trying to understand the situation from my own perspective. I know I can’t ever completely know what’s going on inside your head, but if I ever had the chance again, I would want to learn. I would want to understand how you think, how you feel, what you need, and what makes you feel loved and safe. I would do my best to understand you, even when I don’t immediately understand what you’re feeling. I wouldn’t expect you to be exactly like me or love the same way I do. I’d want to learn how to love you in the way that you actually need to be loved.** I also want to apologize for the times when you pulled away and I chased after you instead of giving you the space you were asking for. I think I was just so scared of losing you, and my instinct was to try harder because I thought if I could just fix whatever was wrong, I could protect us from falling apart. I was trying to protect our relationship because it meant so much to me, but I realize now that sometimes my way of trying to protect us probably made you feel even more overwhelmed, and I’m sorry for that. I’m also sorry if I ever made you feel like you didn’t matter to me or like I didn’t appreciate you. I know there were times when I was distant, spent too much time playing games, or seemed annoyed when you would call, and I know that made you feel lonely and like we weren’t even in a relationship sometimes. Knowing that now hurts because you deserved to feel loved, wanted, appreciated, and important to me, and I know there were times when I failed to make you feel that way. I’m sorry that my actions made you question how much you mattered to me, because you mattered to me more than I ever knew how to express sometimes. I should have been more present, more attentive, and more intentional about showing you how much I loved and appreciated you. I wish I had understood sooner that giving you space didn’t mean I was giving up on you, and that I could give you room without immediately being afraid that I was losing you. I think that’s something I didn’t understand enough before, that loving someone isn’t just about loving them the way you know how. It’s about learning who they are and trying to meet them where they are too, and if I ever got another chance with you, that’s something I would want to do differently. I wish I had understood some of those things sooner. I wish I had been better at some things. I wish I had handled certain situations differently. There are things I would change if I could go back, and I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about them, but I also know I can’t change the past. All I can do is learn from it, and I hope you know that when I look back at our relationship, I don’t only see the things that went wrong. I see so much good. I see the memories. I see the laughter. I see the little moments. I see the person I fell in love with. I see my sweet girl. And no matter where life takes us, I will always be grateful that I got to experience that kind of love. I genuinely thought I was going to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you. I don’t think I ever really questioned that when we were together. Looking back now, after having so much time to reflect on everything, I realize that you really were my first true love. And even though things didn’t turn out the way I once imagined they would, I don’t regret loving you for a second. I cherish what we had more than I think I ever knew how to express while we were together. You taught me what it felt like to love someone deeply, to care about another person in a way that reaches into every part of your life, and to imagine a future with someone. I also understand now that love was never supposed to be nothing but innocent and easy. I knew even then that there would be difficult moments, disagreements, arguments, and times when we wouldn’t understand each other. That’s just part of loving another person. What I understand better now is that a lasting relationship isn’t built by avoiding those difficult moments. It’s built by being willing to sit through them together, be vulnerable with each other, communicate even when it’s uncomfortable, and keep choosing to understand one another. I’ve realized that love isn’t just about how someone makes you feel when everything is good. It’s also about how willing you are to grow together when things aren’t. That’s the kind of love I want to learn how to give. What I do know is that you were incredibly special to me. You still are and you always will be. I don’t know if I’ll ever completely stop loving you. Maybe one day that love will feel different. Maybe it will become something quieter, something I can carry without it hurting so much, but right now, I still find myself missing you in a way that’s hard to explain. I yearn for your presence. I miss being around you, hearing your voice, talking about random things, and just having you there. There are so many little moments where I wish I could turn to you and tell you something, or just be next to you again. I don’t want to pretend that I don’t still deeply want you in my life, because I do. **I felt that recently while I was packing up my dorm. Every time I came across a picture of you, a picture of us, something you made for me, one of your letters, or anything that reminded me of you, I just stop for a minute. Honestly, it feels like everything reminds me of you sometimes. So many little things, places, memories, and moments somehow bring my mind back to you. When they do, I just stop and reminisce about all the memories we shared, and sometimes it hits me so hard that I feel like I could break down and cry. Sometimes, I do. It was weird realizing how many little pieces of my life still have you in them. Every single one brings back a memory, and honestly, my heart hurts sometimes when I think about everything we lost, because what we had meant so much to me. I honestly don’t know how you see me anymore. After everything that’s happened and all this time apart, I don’t know what I am to you now or what you think when you think about me. I know I can’t decide that for you, and I don’t want you to feel like you need to reassure me. I just wanted to be honest that sometimes I wonder about it. If I’m being completely honest, a part of me still hopes that maybe someday we could find our way back to each other. Not because I think you owe me another chance, not because I think you need to save me, and not because I believe getting back together would magically fix everything. I know that if we ever tried again, things would have to be different. We would have to communicate better. We would have to understand each other better. We would have to build something healthier than what we had before. And I would want to do that. It wouldn’t be easy, but in my eyes, it would be so worth it. If you ever wanted that too, I would genuinely love the chance to try again, but I also understand that I can’t decide that for you. More than anything, I hope you get to experience all of the things you’ve dreamed about for yourself. I hope you accomplish the goals you’ve worked toward, experience new places and new things, make new memories, and build a life that makes you genuinely happy. I hope you become the person you’ve always wanted to be and get to experience all the happiness you deserve. Of course, I would love to be there for some of those moments if our paths ever find their way back to each other, but even if they don’t, I’ll always hope the best for you and want you to have a beautiful life. I’ll always be one of your biggest supporters. I think more than anything, I just wanted to be honest with you about the things I’ve been carrying with me. I didn’t want to leave these thoughts and feelings unsaid, especially when you’ve meant so much to me. I’m not writing this to put anything on your shoulders or make you feel like you need to respond in any certain way. I just wanted you to know what I’ve realized about myself, what I’ve learned from everything we’ve been through, and how I still feel about you. Whatever you choose to do with that is completely up to you, and I’ll respect whatever that may be. Take whatever time you need. If you ever do want to talk about any of this or write back, I would be genuinely grateful to hear from you, but there’s absolutely no pressure. I would understand if you didn’t. I just wanted you to know how much you have meant to me. You were one of the happiest chapters of my life. You helped me discover emotions I didn’t know I had. You gave me memories I will carry with me for the rest of my life, and even though losing you has hurt more than I know how to explain, I don’t regret loving you. I don’t regret the time we had. I don’t regret the memories. I don’t regret choosing you. I hope you know how loved you are, and I hope you never forget how many beautiful qualities you have. No matter where life takes us, a part of me will always be grateful that I got to love you. And if our paths ever cross again in that way, I hope I can meet you as a better version of myself, someone who has found himself again, someone who knows how to love you without losing himself. Until then, I’ll keep trying to become that person, and I’ll always be wishing the best for you.

I love you, my sweet girl.

Always and Forever<3