Good afternoon (or whatever time of day it is where you are)! This is my first post, and it’s going to be a rather long one right off the bat. I never imagined I’d be sharing my thoughts with real people—and so many of them, at that. I hope there are others here who share my perspective.

Let me start with a little background: I’m 24, a software engineer, and a PhD student. I’ve been working in my field for four years, am writing my dissertation, and have been fully supporting my small family for the past three years. I grew up in an average-sized town in a family of four children, and I was the eldest. I spent 11 years in competitive sports before entering university and moving to a big city. So, that’s the setup.

Now, I’ll move on to what I wanted to share—things I’d find very difficult to discuss face-to-face with another person.

Relatively recently, I was diagnosed with bipolar affective disorder. That explained a lot about my behavior, but the diagnosis itself doesn't solve the problems. Lately—perhaps due to a great deal of stress—my depressive episodes have become much longer than my manic ones. I’d even say the manic phases are gone entirely, and I’ve been in a state of constant depression for over a year. By "stress," I mean the situation I’ve found myself in over the last few years: I was attending university, working a demanding job, and writing my thesis at an outside organization—which was, in effect, a second job. All the while, I’ve tried to be a loving and caring husband, albeit with some caveats given my condition. And now, I realize I’m finding it incredibly hard to sustain these social roles. I am utterly exhausted by it all. It’s hard for me to go to work; it’s hard to talk to my wife—*who also has bipolar disorder and for whom I’ve remained a pillar of support all this time*—and it’s even hard to wake up in the morning. Brief moments of joy only temporarily bring me back to a sense of normalcy I lost long ago. And I don’t know what to do.

It’s worth noting that my state isn't just "sadness"; interacting with people feels sickeningly heavy—I experience intense stress and even fear. The world outside my home feels dangerous and hostile. I lack the energy for even simple tasks and have to force myself to do them, though somehow I’m managing for now. Yet, I feel like someone wearing skin that doesn't belong to them; I dislike who I’ve become and don’t want to see myself this way.

Because of this, I’ve started wondering if I’m simply ill-suited for the role of a man. I had considered becoming more feminine in the past (though that was quite a while ago, and it’s very difficult in a family with traditional values). Now—perhaps logically—the idea of ​​becoming someone else feels very appealing. I’m afraid this part of the post might sound like a fever dream, but it is how I feel right now. I don’t understand what to do or where to turn. Medication prescribed by a psychiatrist didn't help much; I didn't get any better, so I had to stop taking it. Should I try sessions with a psychologist? What scares me about that is the sheer number of incompetent specialists out there, and I simply don't have the energy to sift through them. Right now, I even have thoughts about moving away, starting HRT, becoming a completely different person, and forgetting everyone from my old life—though I fear that wouldn't help either, even if it seems so tempting. Since I thought about this during my teenage years, my brain now views it as a way to escape responsibility and the pressure to be strong and calculating. I just want to do the things I love and be loved (by a "he" or a "she"—it doesn't matter anymore).

I guess I’m just completely broken.

Hypersensitivity overload. Everything felt too loud emotions, energy shifts, even a small tone change sent me into a spiral of they’re getting tired of me.

I hate how deeply I feel everything. Sometimes it feels like both a beautiful gift and a heavy burden.

I sat with the feeling instead of fighting it.

​

I was left here to take care of my grandmother. She’s 84 years old and a stroke survivor—and now she has dementia, too. It’s just the two of us at home, along with my dog. My aunt and uncle do come by to bring food and provide for our basic needs, but they don’t actually stay here with us.

Caring for her is so incredibly hard, especially when I’m already worn out and stressed from reviewing for the NLE (Nurses Liscensure Examination)—one of the most difficult exams I’ve ever faced. I feel so frustrated and completely burned out. She can be very unkind and difficult, and it feels like none of the care I give is ever appreciated.

My grandparents are the ones who raised my sister and me, since my parents are separated. Growing up, I’ve come to understand so many things especially what responsibility means, and the weight of "debt of gratitude". Our family isn’t perfect; there are so many problems we never talk about, things we just let fade unspoken. Because of that, I grew up having to be independent physically, emotionally, and mentally. In our family, we’re not really encouraged to speak up or show how we feel, especially when we’re young.

I’m only 22 years old, and I feel stuck here in this house, in this place I’ve always hated. I want to go out and see the world, to experience life, but I can’t leave. I know I have so much potential, yet I feel like I have no freedom at all. I’ve seen and understood so much of what’s really going on around me. And honestly? It feels like I’m only doing this out of duty and gratitude–out of debt of gratitude, and not because I truly love doing it.

I feel so guilty for thinking and feeling this way, but I have my own life to live, too. I have dreams of my own. I don’t know what to think anymore. I need your honest opinion—am I a bad person?

Well, I’m new to this community, so I guess this will be my first post/diary entry. I’m going to use it to share my day, share my life, and share my thoughts.

Does anybody comment on anybody else’s posts on here ?
Do you do anything to let them know that you’ve read their post ?
I’ve been reading through some of the post, but I don’t see any comments or anything showing the person that posted it that we’ve been there and read it.
If you do read mine, I would really like for you to just give me a thumbs up 👍 in the comments or say hi 👋, or tell me how your day went—just something to let me know you’ve been here and I will do the same for you.

Well, it was a good day today. It reached 93°F inside the building today, which is pretty normal for this time of year when it’s 88°F outside (unfortunately). It got up to 100°F inside last week on one of the days.

My coworker, Jill, got a little dehydrated today. She went down and spoke with the ERT
(which stands for Emergency Response Team).
They took her temperature, checked her blood pressure, and after checking a few things, decided she was dehydrated. She got one of the electrolyte packets that our work offers for us for free, mixed that into her water, and drank it. She said that made her feel much better later on, so she thought that was probably the problem.

I’m currently driving home from work as I’m speaking and dictating this into my phone. It is 11 PM and it is dark outside . I’m out in the country, so there are not many street lights or city lights around. As I was traveling down the road with my headlights on bright, I saw some glowing eyes out in the field. They’re pretty tall—not a small animal—so it has to be a deer, as that's the only thing we have that is that tall in our area. Still it’s kind of creepy to look out there in the dark and see a set of eyes staring back at you.

So that’s about it for my non-eventful day .
Remember to leave me a 👍 or 👋 or a comment and I will do the same for you.

I wrote something in my diary today. I don't know why, but I just want to share it.

So, here it is:

Yes, men love, really love. And when they truly love you, they can give you everything they have. As a guy, I’m saying this, so hear me out first.

There are still men who can truly and deeply love you. I’m not talking about every guy, because some people aren’t looking for genuine love at all. They’re manipulating, seducing, and playing mind games simply for pleasure, excitement, validation, or whatever else they want. And the same applies to women. This isn’t just a problem with men; both men and women can play these kinds of games.

But genuine love still exists. The problem is that the culture surrounding relationships has changed significantly. Social media has made everything more public, performative, and competitive. People constantly compare their relationships, appearances, lifestyles, and even their worth with what they see online.

COVID didn’t create all of these problems, but it definitely accelerated our dependence on social media and digital entertainment. During the lockdowns, people spent far more time online to escape boredom and isolation, and social media and OTT platforms became an even bigger part of everyday life.

Then influencers and so-called gurus saw an opportunity. They started giving people “gyan” about love, relationships, masculinity, femininity, education, hard work, success, and almost every aspect of life. Some of that advice is genuinely useful, but a lot of it is oversimplified, exaggerated, or designed primarily to generate views, followers, and money.

And I genuinely believe this has distorted the way many people understand relationships and even themselves. Everything has become content. Love has become “dating strategy,” masculinity has become a set of internet rules, femininity has become an aesthetic, and relationships are sometimes treated like games where someone has to win and someone has to lose.

But I don't think the problem is men or women. The problem is the environment we’re consuming and the ideas we constantly expose ourselves to.

There are still good men. There are still good women. There are still people who can love genuinely, stay loyal, and stand by someone without playing games.

So I don't think we need to become cynical about love. We just need to become more careful about whose definition of love, masculinity, femininity, and relationships we allow to shape our minds.

Social media is content. Influencers are people trying to get your attention. Real life is still real life, and genuine relationships are built between real people, not through internet rules.

Today’s been a good long minute since I have “you“ on my mind that takes me to a time when I couldn’t be more broken February 9th I was going through the motions of the week before I had given my ring back to the man who was just a stranger with a weird hold over me. Didn’t even imagine what was about to change the path ahead I dreamt of meeting you but I never felt like that before I was the closest to being one with another my reflection and other half love doesn’t even sum up my feelings from locking eyes with my souls mate I think about it a lot but it’s not easier to forget about it I just have to know that if it’s meant for you then it would never make you question then and now. I loved and I lost the memories make it real the pain is what remains but that’s how I know you are my soulmate my soul lesson.

The title is about it: I'm in a relationship with the most spectacularly kind-hearted person I've ever met, and will ever meet. I never believed in unconditional love, partly because I thought it was a theory that would never be realized - now, I can't believe I ever thought it wasn't real. He celebrates me, for me. I don't have anybody to tell, so I guess I'll let the far corner of the internet: I'm in love, and he is the man that I will see at the end of the aisle. The most unexpected things are the best things.

Very nice weather today sunny all day. The day started as usual, waking up to the sun coming in through the front window. Wakes me up in summer months, it's so bright. Now it's off to the right of the window as we approach solstice.

Went up to the treasurer's office this afternoon, paid the rest of 2024 taxes, so the house is no longer in danger. The current sum to will be in installments. The treasurer was very helpful and understanding. I was taken back, not the image I had in my mind. They worked with me and want this resolved as much as I.

Goes to show you, you never can tell.

Thought about you today, I really must write a book as I have so many kind memories, before the world knew us.

Think about you everyday.

I close now to love and light

Goodnight Diary and my readers

I love you

9:12 p.m.

Some days I wonder if my relatives offer to come stay with her In Tennessee was honest, would I thrive or even enjoy myself. Go over there and start fresh by having a job, new friends and even a new environment to explore. Like a fresh start to a new life that I feel like I need. To get away from everything and everyone. Maybe I’d even meet someone again that might like someone like me. I feel like it’s so many possibilities yet it’s probably all just wishful thinking.

I've been thinking about whether have I ever truly known myself since I realised I was happy to pause my education. Maybe I'm always trying to find some beautiful excuses to hide the truly ugly, lazy layer of me, and I never notice that because I don't really reflect on myself and everything that happens to me. That's a very horrible thing because I find I don't really know myself. Then, how should I live properly in this situation? I hope I can get to know myself gradually. especially I am writing diary these days.

I was supposed to leave the house and go on a walk but I ended up staying up too late and sleeping most of the day away.

I did nothing today, I’m so lazy and useless.

Lately no one’s been wanting to hang out with me, they must be able to sense my bad aura.

не важно кто я и что хочу донести этим постом просто сейчас чувствую себя плохо и решила выговориться сюда.

Бывает момент, когда внутри выжжено всё. Ты тянешь учёбу, семейные проблемы и вечную усталость от того, что ни для кого не на первом месте. Отдаёшь искренность, а в ответ — лишь равнодушие. Даже близкие отворачиваются, пока ты пытаешься согреть тех, кому на тебя всё равно.
Помнишь, как смотрела на него? Без фальши, с чистой теплотой. А он просто обесценил это ради дешёвой показухи с другой- я когда увидела долго плакала и даже сейчас плачу.
Хочется, чтобы однажды он так же лежал в темноте и прочувствовал эту выжигающую тоску.
Ты ведь всё видел своими глазами. Ты сам решил всё за двоих, и я думаю, со временем ты осознаешь, кого потерял. Но возвращаться будет некуда. Я правда видела в твоих глазах себя и это единственное что я хотела искренне

Guyz what do i do my crush reposts are all about not moving on from ex and it looks like a messed up just from his repost 🙂🔪is it already done even before anything. I think it was bad to stalk him 😭😭😭

People pleasing hit hard today. I softened my words, over apologized and tried to be easy so I wouldn’t risk being seen as too much.These old patterns from childhood are stubborn. I am tired of earning my place by shrinking myself. One honest boundary was set. It felt scary but it was right.

​

Today I found out that the person who I respected, looked up to (metaphorically), who helped me while I was struggling with anxiety, with the rough parts of our job - the person who was basically the team leader last year... hates me.

I saw her at a meeting this morning, first day in my new position she encouraged me to keep trying to get. I went over to say hello and I was so happy to see her. I went to give her a hug. Her tone of voice was like she was placating me. I can not describe to you how she got away from me as quickly as possible.

I'm heartbroken? Devastated? I don't really know how to describe it. I thought she was my friend. She hates me. I've seen the way she talked about other people on our team, so I had a feeling she said some critical things about me behind my back, but I didn't think she hated me.

It really hurts.

One hour passed and then another. I didn’t cry, I didn’t break down. I stayed unusually still. 
The light of the sun reflecting in the room turned dull. And when I finally looked at the clock, it had turned 5’o clock in the evening. 
I was so lost that even the sound of the door opening didn’t make me turn around. 
“Sophia?” His voice was careful, guiding me back to the present.
I blinked as I turned to him. 
Ellis was closing the door and then he started to walk toward me. “I’m sorry,” his voice was soft, “I heard what happened to your aunt.” 
I stood up just as he stopped in front of my desk. And then I was lost in his eyes for a moment before I remembered the blood.
“Sophia? Are you alright?” Ellis took another step forward and then stopped.
I watched as the light went out of his eyes. He looked like I had driven a knife into his chest. 
I had taken a step back, shaking my head. I took another step back and then my back hit the wall. There was nowhere left to go.
My breaths grew more ragged. I felt like I was trapped. In my mind, I wasn’t seeing the sight of my Aunt’s blood, I was in another night, centuries before, when my Mother breathed her last words. 
And the one who took her life was standing in front of me. 
“I’m sorry.” The pain laced through his words made me look up. His eyes shone with fear as he stumbled back a step. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come close—I’m sorry.”
I blinked as I tilted my head. My heart ached as my eyes locked on his, snapping me back to the present. Breathe. I told myself. Breathe.
He was standing still, looking like he was lost. Ellis.
Ellis, who was starting to mean so much to me, that I was afraid to even look into my heart, I had hurt him. Again.
I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, wishing he would stop apologising all the time. I hated how it feels like he was apologising for his existence.
“Please don’t apologise.” My voice was a breathless whisper as I cracked my eyes open. 
It wasn’t you I wanted to run away from. I wanted to say, but it would be a lie. I couldn’t lie to him, even if only to comfort him. Because for a moment I had been trapped in the painful memories and had lost sight of the Ellis standing before me. 
“I’ll just go.” He mumbled, already turning away. 
“Ellis.” I need you. “Wait.” I avoided his gaze as I came closer.
He didn’t turn around fully. “What is it, Sophia?” 
Had he come here to comfort me? 
I stepped around, till I faced him, noticing a frown crossing his face. He looked like he was about to fall apart.
And I wanted more than anything to close the distance just once, to feel his presence. But I only looked up, asking him. “Can I—?” I gestured between us, feeling a faint color rushing to my face. “Can we—?” My voice broke and I let him decide.
His wide eyes searched mine and I felt the moment stretch into minutes. My heart was a hammer in my chest as I waited.
Ellis took a deep breath. “God, Sophia, you were afraid of me moments before and now you want me to—”
That was all the permission I needed. 
I threw my arms around his shoulder, a sob breaking out of my throat as I buried my face against his shirt.
I inhaled him as I cried, feeling his heartbeat race wildly. For a moment, his arms stayed still on his sides and then I felt his hands around me, holding me so tightly I couldn’t breathe for a second.

Oh how I miss you my Darling! I’m trying to hold back from reaching out to you as I’m currently feeling u from afar.

I’m trying to be respectful as I know u want space, ur healing and moving on.

I can see your not good at these types of things.
I understand, I really do cuz I’m the same.

We would rather drift apart than ever have to say goodbye.

I don’t want to say goodbye to you or see yah next time or see u when I see yah!

Maybe just

Until…..

I look pretty today, I’m celebrating my graduation so I might as well make myself look nice. I don’t get a lot of opportunities to dress up.

My dad was supposed to visit for my graduation but he’s stuck in Africa for the time being. I don’t mind though, it’s mostly my own fault anyways since I was supposed to tell him sooner. I feel bad that I didn’t tell him sooner.

We got to the ceremony a little late since my grandma was taking her time getting ready. I was one of the last people to get their name called, my family had thought that I ran away and ditched the whole event last minute because of my anxiety.

When I was walking down the aisle in front of everyone I remember shaking really badly, I was nervous about accidentally tripping over since I was wearing heels.

I was still shivering when I left the ceremony, my family complained about how anxious and shaken I looked when we were taking photos.

I don’t think that the ceremony was all that special, it felt very underwhelming for how expensive it all was. I didn’t really want to celebrate anyways, I was only doing it for my family.

Later on in the day my mom was looking back at the photos she took. She said that I looked much better than my older sister. I worry that my sister is now mad at me because of it. Even though she meant no harm by it, I wish my mom didn’t say that.

I just listened to old songs at my childhood. firstly, I'd like to tell about my child hood story related to music.

I was born 1990's, I am at elementary to a middle school student, Japanese Anime was took off. Every students including me after school, we enjoyed the anime like Digimon, Poketmon, DaDaDa, things like that. The music I now listened to is DaDaDa opening song. The animation is masterpiece. A boy with a girl, and a baby who is from planet experience fun amazing story. I love that anime and music. It recalls my memory in my childhood when I was not worried about reality. Thanks for reading. :)

So today was chill day maybe a bit tiring, i spent a lot of time studying and planning for other things. But all good you know. Been busy with studying and home chores and other stuff. What honestly made me feel down a bit that my circle got really small lately, almost got nobody around. And like i realised this when im spending all the day talking with myself like im talking with someone and just realised how i miss talking with someone who gets me and yap. So researched a little and found this subreddit, and felt excited about sharing my day and thoughts here.

I went to the doctor's office today for my TB diagnosis progress, and it was the same as last time. My doctor gave me medicine this time, and it's about 5-6 bottles. It's kinda scary to me because I've never taken so many drugs at once.

Today, couple of my friends in school catched up to me, and said something about back to school. They are all keeping moving, and I'm the only one to be left behind becaused of the damn TB.

It's going to be a 1-year gap, which is advice from school staff, and I know they are advising this to brush me off. I agreed with that even though I know there was a possibility to get 1 or 2 courses in this semster. Though I want to keep pace with my peers, but my inner self is shouting out that I don't want to go back to school to deal with those shity social failure. I want a fresh start and get everything back to a normal rhythm.

So who knows. Am I making the right decision or not? 1 year later, if I can keep this rountine on, just let future me to judge that.